Author note: Well, this has taken a heck of a lot of time to be written up, and it still doesn't seem like enough. I just felt I had to post something up as an incentive for myself to keep on writing! Don't worry; the next part will be up as soon as I write it. I'm playing the game through again now, so I should have some decent ideas for fun. *grin*

I don't own 'em, though Auron can come be my slave if he wants. In fact, I don't own anything in this fic, apart from myself.

Translations for Al Bhed are #like this# I was contemplating not putting the translations in, but then I realised some people might not appreciate that. *grin*

Well, enjoy! Cookies for reviewers, the job of translating all the Al Bhed I need for this fic to those who don't.

(We pan up to see a barren plain; a wasteland full of wanton destruction and – )

TIDUS

 Good start! (thumbs up)

( - Uhh. Yeah. We continue to move across the plain, aware of millions of small multi-coloured dots - PYREFLIES – floating across the scene. We centre in on a small campfire in the middle of the wasteland, surrounded by seven people. Well, I say people, but I dunno if two of them actually count as people. . . Still. There are seven. One of them, a severely bouncy blonde male, gets up and pats one of his companions – a pretty looking young girl – on the shoulder. He begins to make his way up a small outcrop, gazing out at the devastation)

TIDUS

Hey. You can see my house from here!

(The others roll their eyes)

LULU

Get on with it.

(TIDUS nods eagerly, and turns back to gaze wearily at his surroundings. He's putting all his effort into this; it strains him to stop smiling for even a second)

TIDUS

(V.O.) Listen to my story. This. . . May be our last chance.

WAKKA

(under breath to RIKKU) Uh. This means he's gonna be talking for a while, ya?

RIKKU

(nods) About twenty hours, depending how fast we play.

WAKKA

(eyes widen) Wake me up when we get near the end!

(The screen goes black and suddenly we find ourselves in a totally different place; a city full of technology and huge, gushing waterfalls that fill up the sky. We settle on a crowd of people, most of whom are holding BLITZBALLS. It's obvious they're waiting for something, or someone. Soon, that someone arrives. He strides up to the nearest group of people – naturally the two scantily clad GIRLS. We begin to get the impression that our hero likes girls. He likes them a lot)

TIDUS

(smoothly) Well, hey there, pretty ladies. Are you gonna cheer for me tonight?

GIRL #1

(shrieking) YEAH!!!

GIRL #2

(also shrieking) OF COURSE!!!

TIDUS

(blinks at them for a moment, shaking the ringing out of his ears) Hey, if I score tonight, I'll uh. . . Do this!

(He pulls a fantastically complicated finishing move; one that would require both incredible LUCK and STUPIDITY for someone to try it again)

TIDUS

That'll mean it was for you, ok?

(The GIRLS go wild. TIDUS knows he's got himself a date for next week. Well, if he can get past their scary screaming)

GIRL #1

OH YEAH!!! (giggles)

TIDUS

Where are you guys sat?

GIRL #1

(screams go hyper-supersonic) EAST BLOCK IN THE FRONT ROW!!

GIRL #2

(also hyper-supersonic) FIFTH FROM THE RIGHT!!

(TIDUS can't hear them anymore; they bust up his eardrums long ago, so he nods mildly)

TIDUS

Alright.

(He shoots them a broad grin and sets off to the next group; three young boys all holding BLITZBALLS. They too are screaming, but in a less girly way. We get the idea that all BLITZBALL fans cannot help but SCREAM at every opportunity)

BOY #1

(holds up ball for TIDUS) Will you sign this?

TIDUS

Sure.

BOY #2

Me too!

TIDUS

Alrighty!

BOY #3

And me!

TIDUS

Nah. I'm all signed out.

BOY #3

. . .Oh. (starts to cry)

TIDUS

Woah! I uh. . . Sorry. I'll uh. . . Give you my shoe.

BOY #3

(perks up) Alright!

(TIDUS turns to leave, but the group of boys continue to pester him)

BOY #2

Hey, before you go.

EVERYONE WITHIN SCREAMING DISTANCE

TEACH US HOW TO BLITZ!

(TIDUS is temporarily shell-shocked by the noise, but recovers and frowns)

TIDUS

Well. . . Not now. I have a game.

BOY #1

After?

TIDUS

Uhh. . .

(We suddenly notice there is a HOODED BOY stood just to the side, watching TIDUS intently)

HOODED BOY

You can't tonight.

TIDUS

I can't?

HOODED BOY

Nope.

TIDUS

Why?

HOODED BOY

(blows out an exasperated breath) You just can't alright?

TIDUS

Ok. Tomorrow then.

HOODED BOY

Good luck (cackles and disappears)

TIDUS

(to the crowd) Well, I'm off to win the game now! Cheer for me.

(He manages to escape the mob with his life. Barely. We begin to worry for his safety for the rest of the game. We then get to watch TIDUS run across a really big road and head for the biggest stadium you ever saw. He is mobbed again, but he doesn't seem to really care)

TIDUS

You love me! You really love me! Woah! Get off! I have to go play!

(He gets into the STADIUM. And then the fun begins)

GENERIC VETERAN FF FAN

What the hell?! Rock music?!

(All the GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS start to think that Uematsu-san has gone completely loopy by adding a thrash metal track to the soundtrack. But, hey. It fits. Tidus finds himself inside the STADIUM and suddenly a bigass ball of water appears! Fans go wild, TIDUS stands there looking like a dope)

TIDUS

Wow. It's always so pretty. . .

(We cut to outside, where the stadium roof is unfurling. It's a beautiful night; the moonlight perfectly illuminating the graceful arcs of water that spot the landscape. We move further back and further and further. . . Until we see a small BUG stood on a BRANCH. A MONKEY suddenly appears and eats the BUG, grinning at the camera. We feel confused)

AURON

(V.O. – sounding very nervous) What's with the monkey and the bug? Back to the story, please. (under breath) I hate heights. . .

(We zoom forwards and centre on a huge steel girder, outcropping from one of the enormous buildings. Upon this girder, a man is stood gingerly, trying not to fall off)

FEMALE FF FANS

(faint)

AURON

What? Not more of them! Go lust after Tidus or something. (almost loses his balance and curses FEMALE FF FANS everywhere for making him lose concentration)

(A gust of wind, helpfully sent by the AUTHOR, blows against him, making him teeter on one foot)

AURON

I hate you and I hate heights!

(Ah, you don't hate me)

AURON

Wanna bet?

(I'd rather not. Still, we move around AURON as he nervously eyes the ground below him, and suddenly we see a huge ball of WATER forming from the ocean around the city. AURON stares, bug-eyed at it)

AURON

I need a drink.

(He opens up the jug of sake at his waist, and holds it up ready to drink. But, the ball of water – using its mastery of gravity – pulls the sake out of the jug and drinks it itself. We move away, back to the stadium, but above all the screams of delight, we can hear. . .)

AURON

(V.O. – faintly) Ah, damnit!

(We're now watching a BLITZBALL game in all its glory; GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS will notice that the later BLITZBALL scenes look nothing like this. TIDUS – being the humanitarian we all know and love – pushes an OPPOSING PLAYER out of the sphere, sending him crashing to the stands)

OPPOSING PLAYER

I regret nothiiiiiiii--iiing!

(Thud)

TIDUS

(giggles evilly) I told you not to call me Palm Tree Head!

(We cut back to outside where AURON – looking shaky after getting down from the girder – is walking along. Unbeknownst to him, he's being followed by a horde of FANGIRLS)

AURON

(nervous) Get them away!

(As he walks a little faster, we see the bigass ball of water – SIN – start to tear stuff up)

SIN

This is fun! Whee!

(Back to the BLITZBALL. The Abes score. And for being their star player, TIDUS has nothing to do with it. Annoyed, he leaps out of the sphere and proceeds to defy gravity)

SIN

Pitiful humans and your stupid little water sport. Which I love. (sniffs) Damnit! I can't play anymore! Time to die!

(SIN proceeds to shoot the crap out of the STADIUM and anything within destroying distance. TIDUS falls a few hundred feet, much to the delight of the AUTHOR. She's soon scowling again as she realises he survives)

TIDUS

(picking himself up off the floor) Anyone get the number of that truck? (falls over again)

(He finally manages to pick himself up and staggers over to where AURON – who has managed to lose the train of FANGIRLS following him – is stood, looking cool)

TIDUS

Auron? What're you doing here? Why aren't you panicking like everyone else? (grabs AURON by his coat and shakes him) WHAT'S GOING ON!?

AURON

(prises TIDUS off him) How'd the game go?

TIDUS

(stares)

AURON

What? Oh, the destruction. Heh. (looks nervous) Well, time to go. C'mon.

(They start to move off when a sudden cry pierces the air)

FANGIRL #1

There he is!

AURON

Ah, crap. Uhh. . . Meet you by the bridge, kid. (runs like mad)

TIDUS

(watches as a flurry of FANGIRLS shoots past him, chasing the retreating AURON) Huh.

(The AUTHOR accidentally hits the pause button and the entire world freezes, leaving only TIDUS to look around dumbly)

TIDUS

(blinks, perplexed) This is the last time I steal Auron's sake before a game

HOODED BOY

(appears suddenly behind TIDUS, frightening the bejeezus out of him) It begins.

TIDUS

(stares at him)

HOODED BOY

Don't cry.

TIDUS

(ignores that nugget of information and begins to bawl) But I dunno what's going ooooon!

(Time speeds up again, and TIDUS spies AURON; who is now stood over a fangirl CORPSE)

AURON

(hyperventilating) Damned woman wouldn't let go!

SIN

Uh, hello? Act of nature going on here.

TIDUS

(spies SIN) What the hell is that?

SIN

I'm glad you asked! (grabs an insanely huge top hat and cane and begins to sing)

Well, well, well, what have we here?

 Tidus, huh? Ooooh, I'm really scared!

So you're the one everybody's talking about.

You're joking, you're joking! I can't believe my eyes!

 You're joking me, you gotta be; this can't be the right guy.

He's stupid, he's pretty; I don't know which is worse.

I might just split a seam now if I don't die laughing first

Mr Sinny-Winny says there's trouble close at hand.

You'd better pay attention now, cause I'm the Sinny-man.

And if you're aren't shaking, there's something very wrong

Cause this may be the last time, you hear the Sinny song

AURON

(also singing)

Uh-wooo-ohhhh. . .

SIN

Wuh-ohhhh. . .

AURON

Wuh-ohhh. . .

BOTH

It's the Sinny-Winny man.

TIDUS

(eyeing them uneasily) You're both crazy.

SIN

No-one calls me crazy! Die!

(A big uhh. . . THING appears from a building, shooting hundreds of SINSCALES towards the two. AURON stands there, watching calmly as TIDUS proceeds to make an IDIOT out of himself. This will happen many times during the course of the game)

TIDUS

(screaming) BUGS! AAAAAAH! GET THEM AWAY! (tries to shoo them away, but falls over)

AURON

(rolls his eye) No-one told me Jecht's son was an idiot. . . (reaches into his robes and produces a SWORD from NOWHERE) Here. Take it.

TIDUS

(still shooing the SINSCALES) You gonna help or are you gonna stand there? Oh, a sword. Pretty. . .

AURON

A gift from Jecht.

TIDUS

(eyes narrow) That old jerk?

AURON

The very same.

TIDUS

Figures (swings at a SINSCALE, misses and falls on his butt again)

AURON

(drops head into one hand) Great. I'm never gonna get back to Spira.

TIDUS

Where?

AURON

(looks worried) Uhh. . . Nothing. Let's just kill these things and get out, huh?

(They proceed through the horde of SINSCALES, AURON having to stop every three seconds in order to pick up TIDUS. They come over a rise and come face to tentacle with SINSPAWN AMMES)

TIDUS

(eyes bug) What the. . .?

AURON

Ooh. An excuse to use my Overdrive.

(AURON uses his OVERDRIVE, but not very well cause this is the first time we've played the game and we MESS UP the button combo)

PLAYER

Up, left, down, right, what? Shoulder buttons? Wah! (panics and messes up)

AMMES

Pff. If I could do anything but cast Demi, you'd be so dead.

(Unfortunately all it can do is cast Demi, so it dies soon enough. AURON runs on; TIDUS finds a SAVE POINT)

SAVE POINT

Kupo!

TIDUS

Eh?

SAVE POINT

Oh wait. This isn't IX. (mutters) Oh well. (makes that "bing" noise)

(TIDUS raises an eyebrow at it, but saves and moves on. AURON's still running, taking them right into a SINSCALE shower)

AURON

Oops.

TIDUS

(singing in a very disturbing falsetto) It's raining Sinspawn; hallelujah!

AURON

(whacks him across the back of the head) Just destroy that handily placed tanker thing.

(They do so. Building goes boom, SINSCALE die and our two heroes proceed to defy gravity again)

AURON

Oh, come on. If we didn't make this jump we wouldn't have much of a game, would we?

(Shut up. AURON makes it easily, but TIDUS misses the last jump and ends up clinging to the edge of a bridge)

TIDUS

Wah! (clinging helplessly) Auron! Get me down!

AURON

(grins at TIDUS, then up at the AUTHOR) Can I?

(No)

AURON

Aw. . . Fine. (grabs TIDUS by the scruff of the neck) Just hold still while I let Sin eat us.

TIDUS

(eyes bug) While you do WHAT!?

SIN

Mmm. . . Warrior munchies.

AURON

(to TIDUS) Hold still, wouldya?

TIDUS

(stuttering with fear) And let you let that, that, that thing eat me?

AURON

Yeah

(TIDUS screams like a small child, causing both AURON and SIN to cover their ears – well, SIN would have, if it had ears)

SIN

Gah. Time for dinner.

(AURON begins to get sucked up into SIN, looking like some bad post-modern artist has got hold of him)

AURON

(contemplative as he disappears) I hope I didn't leave the kettle on. . .

(AURON disappears and TIDUS finds himself being dragged upwards into the belly of SIN)

TIDUS

(screaming ever so bravely) I'm too young and pretty to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!

(The screen goes all weird, prompting those of us with troublesome TVs to think that the aerial is messing up again. We hear the voice of JECHT – yeah, that JECHT – and then TIDUS starts to talk to himself; the sign of a perfectly mentally sane person)

TIDUS

(V.O.) I dreamed about a lot of things. Blitzball, food, blitzball, girls, blitzball, lunch, blitzball, what kind of gel I was going to use in my hair when I woke up, blitzba--

(He lets out a loud "Oof" as the AUTHOR elbows him in the stomach)

PHI

Get on with it

TIDUS

(slightly wheezy, V.O.) I think I had a dream; a dream of being alone. A dream of being without my beloved Mr Snuggles. . .

(Oddly, the screen cuts to show MR SNUGGLES – TIDUS' favourite cuddly toy – floating through time and space. TIDUS begins to cry)

TIDUS

Aw, Mr Snuggles! You're lost in the dark, and you're afraid of the dark just like meee. . .

(TIDUS then gets very quiet, whimpering every so often until he finally wakes up)

TIDUS

(sleepy) I dun wanna go to school today, mommy. . .

(He finds himself lying half-in, half-out of a pool of water; darkness surrounding him. He does the brave thing, of course)

TIDUS

(cries) Where am IIIIIIIIIIIIIII?! Auuuron! Auron, if this is another practical joke, I swear I'm going to flush that damned sword of yours down the toilet!

(He receives no answer. The screen suddenly cuts to show AURON waking up; covered in sand)

AURON

(sneezes) They never think of my allergies (sneezes) But at least I'm away from those girls. . . (shudders and sneezes again)

FEMALE VOICE

(V.O.) I know that sneeze. . . It's him!

(There is an UNHOLY scream; like that of a thousand banshees. AURON's eye twitches as he pulls himself to his feet and spies what is approaching)

AURON

Oh, by the Aeons, not again!

(AURON makes a very quick exit, stage left. What seems like a stampede approaches; and soon the entire shot is filled with squealing FANGIRLS; all intent on GLOMPING the poor Guardian)

AURON

(V.O., faint) What did I do to deserve thiiiiiiis?

PHI

(cackles evilly, appearing from nowhere in a puff of smoke) That'll teach him to be the most difficult muse ever. (disappears again)

(We cut back to TIDUS, who is sat on a rock staring into space like an idiot and humming mildly to himself)

TIDUS

(quietly, singing) Feelin' like a freak on a leash. . .

PHI

(appears and stares at him for a good few minutes) Um. . . Tidus?

TIDUS

(oblivious)

TIDUS

(a little louder) Tidus!

TIDUS

(still oblivious)

PHI

(sighs loudly, and kicks TIDUS in the head) Oi!

TIDUS

(clutching his head) OW!

PHI

Boy, I've wanted to do that for an awful long time. . . (grins) Now that I have your attention, can you get on with it please?

TIDUS

Alright! Just don't kick me again! (whimpers)

PHI

(grins evilly) Alright. (kicks him once more and disappears)

TIDUS

Argh!

(After a few minutes of whining and whimpering, TIDUS pulls himself to his feet and dives into the water; swimming towards what appears to be the RUINS of some sort of building in the distance. On the way, he finds numerous things, including an AL BHED DICTIONARY SPHERE. If it's our first time through, the player STARES at the sphere and shrugs before moving on. If it's our second time, however. . .)

SPHERE

Bing!

TIDUS

Yr-hyh! Ruf E lyr cbayg Ym Prat!

#Ah-hah! Now I can speak Al Bhed!#

(He looks around proudly, expecting some sort of prize for his achievement. There is nothing but silence. TIDUS scowls)

TIDUS

Last time I try something worthwhile (kicks the language sphere and moves on)

PHI

(V.O.) Oui'na yh eteud. . .

#You're an idiot. . .#

(TIDUS ignores the AUTHOR and continues towards the RUINS. Finally, he reaches them, pulling himself out of the water and shaking himself like some sort of dog would. Water sprays everywhere; the sheer violence of it making the bridge TIDUS is stood on crumble and fall)

TIDUS

Wuh-oh. . .

(The bridge falls, but TIDUS manages to grab hold of the edge just in time, and dangles precariously above the water)

PHI

(appearing and frowning at TIDUS) You weren't supposed to do that. You were supposed to fall in.

TIDUS

(whiny) I've been falling in and out of things all day. . . Can't I have a break?

PHI

(thinks for a moment) No.

(The AUTHOR stomps on TIDUS's hands, making him squeal like a girl and fall into the water)

PHI

(cheerfully) Have a nice day! (mutters something about "Damned characters not playing fair. . . Drastic actions must be taken. . ." and disappears)

(TIDUS floats around in the water for a while, not paying attention to what's around him)

TIDUS

(humming pleasantly to himself and singing every so often) . . .I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. . .

(Our hero doesn't realise he's being watched by two FISH)

FISH #1

Er. . . We're not fish.

FISH #2

Yeah, if you took a moment to actually pay attention, you'll see that we're Sahagin; scourges of the ocean.

(Both of them grin proudly)

PHI

(appears and sighs with exasperation) You live in the ocean, yes?

BOTH FISH

(in unison) Yup.

PHI

. . .You swim?

FISH #1

Well, sometimes I take a little jump out of the water, just to see what the weather's doing. . .

(The AUTHOR and the second FISH stare at the first one)

FISH #1

I mean, uh, yeah. (coughs nervously)

PHI

And you have gills?

FISH #2

(checks) Indeed we do.

PHI

Then you're fish. Deal with it.

FISH #1

Bu --

PHI

Don't argue with me. I'm the author, you're the cannon fodder fiends. You're lucky you even get a name.

(The AUTHOR smiles sweetly and disappears)

FISH #2

I told you we should have replaced our agent when we had the chance. . .

FISH #1

(shrugs) Eh, we can always strike if things get bad.

PHI

(V.O., dangerously) Anytime today.

FISH #1

(hurriedly) Right. Uh. . . I bet I can get there and mangle it before it realises.

FISH #2

(eyeing TIDUS) I never said you couldn't. In fact, I'd be disappointed if it even realised it was being mangled. . .

(The two ever-so-deadly -- )

FISH #1

Are you being sarcastic?

PHI

. . . .

FISH #2

You'd better not be. 'Cause we are deadly, y'know.

FISH #1

Yeah! Only the other day we made Geosgaeno cry!

PHI

Somehow I doubt that.

FISH #2

Have you seen Geosgaeno these days? Big wimp blubbers at anything. . .

(There is a loud wailing sound from off-screen)

TIDUS

(blinks) What the. . .? That wasn't me, was it?

GEOSGAENO

(whimpering) Oh, my stomach hurts so much. . . What did I do to deserve such -- Ooooow!

(The huge monster swims slowly towards TIDUS, fairly unaware of his presence. The two ever-so-scary fish stay where they are, absorbed by the site of GEOSGAENO wailing like a small child. TIDUS finally realises that he's not alone in the pool when GEOSGAENO bumps into him)

TIDUS

Hey!

GEOSGAENO

(clutches its belly in pain) Aaah! That didn't do any good. (turns its attention on TIDUS) Stupid small thing with your silly pointy stick!

TIDUS

(produces his sword from nowhere) You mean this?

GEOSGAENO

(recoils in horror) I knew it! You're here to kill me!

TIDUS

Uh, actually, I was kinda lost, and --

GEOSGAENO

(not listening) I won't let you kill me!

(Without even trying, TIDUS has managed to get himself into his first solo fight. The player notices that our hero does a PITIFUL amount of damage and that GEOSGAENO doesn't really do anything)

GEOSGAENO

(sniffling) Fighting only irritates my allergies. . .

(The fiend SNEEZES, sending TIDUS crashing through the nearest wall, and to relative safety)

TIDUS

(sat in a heap, looking most dazed) There goes that truck again. . . (falls backwards)

(After sitting about for a few minutes, regaining his senses, TIDUS is soon back on his way. It's not long before he finds himself in a large, seemingly empty and absolutely freezing cold room)

TIDUS

(V.O.) I had made it out of the frying pan, and into the freezer. . .

(Did you think of that yourself?)

TIDUS

(proud) Yup.

(This is why I don't let them ad lib their lines)

TIDUS

(icicles dangling from his nose) Is it just me, or is it a little chilly in here?

(He walks to the middle of the room, where a GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FIREPLACE awaits)

GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FIREPLACE

Hey, if you find a withered bouquet and a flint, you can start a fire here!

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS

. . .It doesn't keep on being this simple, does it?

(Despite being told what to find, TIDUS still takes a good few hours to start his fire. Once it's going -- )

TIDUS

Where do I get the wood from?

(Eh?)

TIDUS

Well, I can't keep a fire going on just some withered flowers, can I? Surely I need woo --

(Er. . . Once it's going, he lies down beside it and does the heroic thing)

TIDUS

(whiny) I'm soooo hungry. . .

(For some reason known only to the original scriptwriters, this HUNGER triggers some sort of FLASHBACK. This causes several players to wonder whether being THIRSTY will trigger a nervous BREAKDOWN, or if being SLEEPY will make our hero spontaneously COMBUST)

######

TIDUS

(standing around, idly scratching his butt) What do you want?

AURON

I came to seduce your mom.

TIDUS

What?

AURON

I said, your team could have won, but you made a bad call.

TIDUS

(raises an eyebrow) Y'know, your excuses for coming round are getting really lame. That was what you came over to say?

AURON

It's been. . . ten years. I thought you'd be crying.

TIDUS

(snorts) Me? Cry?

(AURON grins evilly and stamps on TIDUS' foot. The Blitzer promptly bursts into tears)

AURON

Yeah, you.

######

(TIDUS wakes up sharply, taking a good few moments to realise that his fire has nearly gone out)

TIDUS

(panicky) No! Don't go out on me! I'll give you (rummages in his pockets) twenty bucks, some gum and a button if you don't go out on me!

(The fire ignores him and goes out)

TIDUS

Aw. . . Damnit.

(He's not left to worry about that for long; within moments, another fiend – probably drawn by the smell of TIDUS' hair gel – appears. Again, without really doing anything, TIDUS is drawn into a fight)

TIDUS

(a little uneasy) Heh. Must just be my way with creatures.

(The fight does not go well, with TIDUS still doing stupidly small amounts of damage. Matters are not helped when a wall EXPLODES and a NEWCOMER appears. However, instead of doing the sensible thing and putting TIDUS out of his misery, the NEWCOMER joins him in the fight against Klikk and it doesn't take long for the fiend to die. After the fight, TIDUS turns to his new companion, and allows his jaw to drop as he sees that it's a GIRL)

TIDUS

(picking jaw up off the floor, speaking smoothly) Well, hello there, little lady. (gives his most charming smile)

(Unfortunately, before TIDUS can get his groove on, the GIRL's cohorts arrive. One of them grabs our hero roughly by the hair)

AL BHED #1

Fryd dra ramm es drec?

#What the hell is this?#

AL BHED #2

Y veaht! Eh risyh teckieca!

#A fiend! In human disguise!#

AL BHED #3

(dryly) Aedran dryd un druca Oajuhedac ryja mucd draen tnacc cahca ymdukagran. . .

#Either that or those Yevonites have lost their dress sense altogether. . .#

AL BHED #2

(eagerly, holding a knife to the bewildered TIDUS' throat) Fa gemm ed?

#We kill it?#

GIRL

(shakes her head slowly, and takes the knife off AL BHED #2) Hu.

#No.#

AL BHED #2

(pleading) Yff. . . Bmayca?

#Aww. . . Please?#

PHI

Yeah, c'mon.

GIRL

(firmer this time) Hu!

#No!#

AL BHED #2

. . . . (wanders off in a sulk)

(The GIRL walks up to TIDUS with something of a sultry smile on her face. In TIDUS' mind, this can mean only one thing)

TIDUS

(puckers up) Alright, but no tongues. It's our first date.

GIRL

(rolls her eyes) Crid ib. . .

#Shut up. . .#

(She punches him none too delicately in the gut, causing his eyes to bulge out of his face)

PHI

(appears suddenly, a look of bloodlust on her face) You've got to hit him harder than that.

TIDUS

(shakes his head, but can't protest audibly) N --

GIRL

(shrugs) Oui'na dra pucc (punches him even harder)

#You're the boss#

TIDUS

(slightly squeaky and wheezy) Ouch. . .

(Finally, he takes the hint, and blacks out again)