A/N: Oops, I did it again… No, wait. Wrong unrealistic, poorly imagined, two-dimensional female character.

(…my apologies to Britney fans, if such creatures still exist, but if she doesn't want to be fired at, she should stop handing us ammunition.)

In any case… yeah. It's another Seuss. And this one's gonna be a multichapter. Don't ask – I don't know. I just need something funny to work with.

Warnings include: Spoilers (barely), Jiraiya being weird, Naruto being weirder (does that count as OOC or very IC?), oh, yeah, and a Mary-Sue being Mary-Sue-y.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, for which I imagine people are even more glad this time.

Dedication: For Hekasorceress, who convinced me it was worth writing.

MARY… SEUSS?

Ch. 1: On Identification of the Enemy

When Jiraiya first took him

Out on training so new

He said to Naruto

"Beware of the 'Mary Sue'!

She'll appear as a woman

Or a girl in your case

And be luscious of body

And wondrous of face

Now that doesn't sound dangerous

But mark my words, boy

She'll wrap you 'round her finger

And make you her toy

You'll forget about Sasuke

And sweet Sakura too

When that horrid creature

Sets her eyes on you!

Her pretty face is the least

Of the troubles you'll find

This is why I must warn you

About her and her kind

These Sues have great power

They are absurdly strong

But you'll want to defend them

Even when they are wrong

Her past is quite tragic

Full of sorrow and woe

For her family was slain

By a jinchuriki, you know

Or she might be one herself

It's not entirely clear

Because she's the lost sister

Twin to your Sasuke dear

Or sometimes she's a sibling

To that Hatake brat

And she's still in ANBU

Despite all of that

And of her Sharingan

The Black Ops make good use

Though nobody's quite certain

Where she gets the juice

We're also not certain

Where she learned Gentle Fist

And though she had no permission

The Hyuugas aren't pissed

She had six Kekkei Genkai

The last time we knew

And she makes twice as many

Shadow Clones as you

She made Jounin at nine

And captained Black Ops at twelve

But far into her past

It's not wise to delve

And that arranged marriage

That won't go away

Was to Sasuke, or Neji

Despite what they say!

And so, Naruto,

Any questions now?"

"Uhm, yeah, pervy Sage,

Who's that silly cow?

With the double-D boobs

And that short tight skirt

And why doesn't she know

That ANBU don't flirt?"

"GASP! You idiot boy!

Naruto, now run!

I warned you 'bout this

That talk wasn't for fun!"

"Talk, what talk? Did you keep

Lecturing? 'Cause I toned out

After 'luscious of body,'

You pervy old lout."

"Ungrateful brat! Idiot

Fool! You have no idea what

This could cost us, so run

And just keep you eyes shut!

OOOOO

Next Chapter:

Jiraiya gets snared!

Horrors ensue!

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