How Snape Stole Christmas
Disclaimer: I don't own any Harry Potter Characters.
I also don't own the story HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, Dr. Seuss does.
Update GN: Well, it's been a while. I've been looking at my previous stories and making quick edits to them, and this was next on my list. My friend did indeed dare me to adapt "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" for my most familiar realm of fan fiction, and I chose Harry Potter while she did a Dragonball Z adaptation. Needless to say, it was done in jest and I hope you find some humor in it.
How Indeed Snape Stole Christmas
Every Wizard down in London liked Christmas a lot . . . . .
But Snape, who live just North of London, did NOT!
Snape hated Christmas! The WHOLE CHRISTMAS SEASON!
Now, please, don't ask why, for no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his hair was too greasy to be right.
It could be that his necktie was too darn tight.
However, I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was ten sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his heart or his hair,
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating them there,
Staring down from his home with a sleek, Snapey frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew that every Wizard down in London beneath
Was quite busy now, hanging five mistletoe wreaths.
"And their hanging their stockings!" Snape snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his pale fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew . . . . . all the Wizard girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early, they'd rush for their toys!
And then, oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
And then the Wizards, young and old, would sit down to a gigantic feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They'd start on Plum pudding, and green beans that were greased,
This was something that Snape couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something Snape liked least of all!
Every Wizard down in London, the old, young, tall and the small,
They would stand close together, with the Christmas Bells ringing.
They all would stand hand-in-hand, and the Wizards would start SINGING!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Snape thought of this Wizard-Christmas-Sing
The more the Snape thought, "I MUST stop this whole thing!
"Why for Eight years I've put up with it now!
"I must stop Christmas from coming! . . . . . But HOW?"
Then Snape got an idea!
An AWFUL idea! SNAPE GOT A SLIMY, WONDERFUL, AWFUL idea!
"I know just what to do," Snape sneered deep in his throat.
And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and coat.
Snape cackled and smirked, "What a great EVIL trick!
"With this red coat and hat, I'll look exactly like St. Nick!"
"All I need now is a reindeer . . . ."
Snape looked around.
But in Northern England, there were none to be found.
Did that stop Snape? No way! Snape simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his friend Voldie, and he took some red thread
Then tied a big horn to the top of the Evil Lord's head.
THEN
Snape loaded some bags
And lots of old, empty sacks
On a ramshackle car that resembled a sleigh
And he hitched up Lord Voldie.
Then Snape went, "Giddyap!"
And the car/sleigh went down
Towards the homes where the Wizards
Lay sound asleep amidst the blizzard.
All their windows were dark and violent snow filled the air,
Wizards were all dreaming their sweet dreams without a care,
When Snape came to the first house in the square.
"This is house number one," Snapey Claus hissed,
Then he climbed to the roof, empty bags and wand in his fist.
Then, he slid down the chimney, which was quite a tight shape
But if Santa could do it, then so could Snape!
Snape got stuck only once, and for a moment or two
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the bright wizard stockings all hung in a row,
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk like a snake most unpleasant,
He went around the whole room and took every present!
Bertie Botts Beans! Fake Wands! Books! Toy Brooms!
Chess Sets! Chocolate Frogs! And Pranks that go 'ZOOM'!
And Snape stuck them in bags and rather nimbly,
Stuffed all of the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slithered to the Fridge. He took the Wizard Feast!
He took the Plum Pudding! He took the Green Beans!
Snape cleaned out that Fridge as quick as he appeared
Why, he even took the last bottle of Butterbeer!
Then he stuck all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned a mad Snape, "I will stuff up the tree!"
So Snape grabbed the tree, and started to shove,
When he heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and saw a small girl!
Little Marie Lily Potter, who's eyes were two pearls.
Snape had been caught by this little Potter daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a small cup of water.
She stared at Snape long and hard, then said, "Santy Claus, why?"
"Why are you holding our Christmas tree? Why?"
But, do you know that Old Snape was so smart and slick
That he thought up a lie, and thought it up right quick!
"Why my dear sweet Marie," Snape, smiling, lied,
"Did you know there's a light on this tree that just won't light on one side?
"So I'm taking it up to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there, and then I'll bring it back here."
Snape's fib tricked little Marie, then he tapped on her head
Got her a drink, then sent her to bed.
When Marie was tucked safely in bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing Snape took
Was their pot of floo powder.
Then he went up the chimney, a little more prouder.
On their walls all he left was some bits of old binder.
Oh, the one speck of food that was left in the house,
Was a crumb, which was even too small for a mouse.
Then he he did the same to other Wizard houses
Leaving crumbs much too small for the other houses mouses!
It was a little past dawn . . . . . all the Wizards, still asleep
All the Wizards, still in their beds, when Snape packed up his heap,
Packed up their presents! Ribbons! Wrappings!
Tags! Tinsel! Trimmings and Trappings!
One Hundred Thousand Feet up! Up to Snape's house above London!
He rode up there to dump, then burn it!
"Tisk, tisk to those Wizards!" Snape was evilly humming.
"They're finding out that NO CHRISTMAS is coming!
"The dummies are just waking up! I know just what they will do!
"Children's mouths will hang open for a moment or two
"Then all the Wizards down in London will cry BOO-HOO!"
"That is a noise," smirked Snape, "that I simply must hear,"
Then he stood and put a hand to his ear,
And Snape did hear a sound coming from below,
It started out low, then started to grow. . . . . .
But this sound wasn't depressing!
Why, it sounded rather MERRY!
It just couldn't be so!
But it WAS MERRY! VERY!
Snape stared down at London,
His eyes began to pop!
Then Snape started shaking! What he saw would have caused you to stop!
Every Wizard down in London, the young, old, the tall and small,
Was SINGING! Without any presents at all!
Snape HADN'T STOPPED Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
In some way, shape, or form, it came just the same!
And Snape, with his big feet ice-cold in snow,
Stood scratching his greasy head: "How could it be so?
"It came without trappings! It came without tags!
"It came without boxes, packages or bags!"
He puzzled so long, that his puzzler was sore.
Then Voldie chimed in with something Snape hadn't thought of before.
"Christmas, my evil friend, doesn't come from a store!"
"You mean, that Christmas, means a little bit more?"
"Well, yeah. Duh."
Do you know what happened then?
Well, between you-me, in London they say
That Snape's puny-sized heart
Grew TWENTY SIZES that day!
Also, that the second his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He ditched Old Voldie and whizzed his heap through the bright morning light!
Snape brought back all the toys! And the food for the Feast!
And Snape . . . . .
SNAPE HIMSELF!
HE served the Greasy Green Beans!
THE END!
GN: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Sugar is Sweet and So are Reviews!
