Regret
Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto's Naruto and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece. All situations, plots, and other parts have been constructed by me and are my own creations
Summary: Kakashi is filled with regret and reflects on his relationship with Iruka. Angst.
Author's Note: Possible out-of characterness and un-beta'd.
Constructive Criticism is always welcomed
Published: 29 May 2010
Rating: T
Kakashi looked at the warm brown man that was curled under his arm, breathing deeply and peacefully and felt the familiar unhappiness well up inside him.
It was happening more and often and he didn't know what to do about it. There was no-one he could talk to about it and there was nothing he could do about it. He wondered if this was a side-effect of being human, this heavy and consuming sadness. Maybe he shouldn't have taken this road. Maybe he should have stayed a pitiful excuse of a man.
But if he hadn't acted this way, he wouldn't have Iruka in his life, much less in his bed. Then again, because Iruka was there in his life he was having this doubts and insecurities and mental agonies. If he didn't have the chunin in his life, he wouldn't be feeling this way.
But not to have Iruka...
It was an ugly, vicious cycle.
He gently stroked the soft skin of Iruka's marred back and listened to the sweet, quiet noise of Iruka breathing.
It angered him. He had seen what happened when people got bored with each other or drifted apart and he had researched the entire village (and good chunk of a few others) and one of the reasons that he picked Iruka was because Iruka had the smallest chances of those things happening to them. Iruka wasn't supposed to bring these negative feelings on; he wasn't supposed to make Kakashi doubt things and be unsure.
If there was only a way to talk about this...but no. There was nobody he could go to for guidance. Iruka wouldn't believe him and then would be upset because he would see himself being the one who was causing Kakashi's pain. Gai—if he could just shut up for one damn minute and made to understand the situation—would be horrified and probably wouldn't be able to get passed that to listen to what Kakashi needed him to hear. Minato-sensei and Obito were dead, even if Kakashi could make them understand things. Ibiki would take him away and break him, more interested in the messes in Kakashi's psyche that made him act that way than he would be in helping Kakashi. The Hokage...well. That was just a bad idea, through and through. It wouldn't end well.
And the effect any of those results would have on the teacher...it would destroy Iruka and Kakashi wouldn't let that happen. Not to Iruka.
He knew that it was own fault; he had brought this on himself. He wished that he knew that this would come when he first started down this path. He might have done things differently.
Iruka made a soft noise and curled closer to him.
But he loved Iruka. He wanted to stay with him forever. Iruka had fixed him and filled him in ways he didn't know were even possible. He would never regret picking Iruka.
He just wished that he could be certain that Iruka would stay with him and love him without the binding jutsu.
x Fin x
