The Twin Snakes.

An alternate account of the events of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Series.

It was just another boring Tuesday morning like usual, the harsh cold of winter still reared its ugly head even though it was the middle of April. I hadn't felt a chill like this before it was like the wind was made of ice. Like the idiot I was, I hadn't bothered to put any winter clothing on. No scarf, no jacket, nothing. I stupidly assumed that it would be a normal spring morning, never again would I make that mistake. Normal spring morning or not I would always bring a spare jacket just in case.

Other than that, the climb up the godforsaken hill to get to North High was the same daunting task as usual. Nothing of note, completely ordinary. The same could be said for homeroom, Okabe was his usual boring self and Taniguchi was also as mundane, though in a more perverted manner. What wasn't completely ordinary was the fact Haruhi Suzumiya, who is in essence. The bane of my normal existence wasn't at her seat behind me. Knowing that lunatic I assumed she got caught up in something stupid and placed all her attention on it, never mind the fact that she had school. The rest of Homeroom continued without Haruhi and I didn't mind one bit, a moment of peace and quiet from her antics was a welcome treat whenever it rarely occurred.

I decided to visit the clubroom like usual, hoping to sample some of Asahina's superb tea in relative peace. I knocked at the club door and entered to find Nagato at usual place reading some thick book I couldn't hope to understand, Koizumi quietly playing some solitaire and God's last gift on earth herself, Mikuru Asahina. Quietly making some much needed tea in her school uniform, I emphasized the fact she was in her school uniform because that meant Haruhi wasn't in the clubroom before me or hasn't even arrived at school yet. If she did, then Asahina would've been wearing a (forcefully put on) Maid outfit. I'm not complaining, Asahina looks angelic in anything. She quietly poured some tea for me without asking and placed it right next to me.

"Here you go Kyon."Asahina said with a bubbly smile.

"Thanks Asahina, I really needed this. The walk up to School was utter hell." I replied graciously.

She giggled in response to me thanking her and went back to making more tea. The minutes dragged on and I really had nothing much to do, I completed all my work in class and I was finished with all my studies. Despite the temperature easing up it was still bloody cold and I decided the only way to fix my warmth and boredom problem was with sleep.

"CRASH!" The door to the clubroom tore open, the doorknob ramming the poor wall full speed. I suddenly woke up after that awful commotion, saliva still dripping down my lips. I cleared my eyes which were adjusting from the sudden intake of light. I opened my eyes to see the usual suspect of something like this happening, Haruhi. She had an exited look on her face, it wasn't the same energetic grin she always had on. No this was different, there was passion and emotion in those eyes. Despite the idiocy of my question, I asked it anyway. I don't know why I just did, stupid questions are my forte after all.

"What's got you all exited huh?" I said this in a half-yawning manner, but Haruhi got the gist of it.

"Well Kyon if you must know, I found myself a new recruit for the SOS Brigade!" a quizzical look entered my face.

Aren't a bunch of time travellers, espers and aliens enough to satisfy your goddamned curiosity? I sighed.

"Let me guess you abducted the poor fellow and forced em' into our club right?"

Haruhi laughed at my question, as if it was a joke and she didn't kidnap and force everybody here into her insane club.

"What makes you think I forced you all into the SOS Brigade? You all came here of your own volition, right Mikuru?" She gave Asahina a predatory look, similar to one a wolf does to its prey.

"That's right!" Asahina barely squeaked out. I gave up, this was going absolutely nowhere.

"Continue with what you were saying." I said with a bored tone.

"How dare you tell your chief what to do Kyon, Penalty! Penalty!" I prepared for Haruhi's rage to come at me with the force of a shinkansen, but it never came.

Instead I was greeted to a sight I never thought possible. A hand was placed on Haruhi's shoulder, it looked like a gentle but firm grip. If it were anybody else she would've crushed that arm, instead she calmed down and regained her composure (As if she had any to begin with.)

"Before I was so rudely interrupted by the most low-level member of the brigade…" I rubbed the bridge of my nose, she didn't even say my name.

"I want to introduce our newest recruit!" As Haruhi said those words a boy came into our room.

He had snow white hair that was slightly slicked back, he was about my height give or take, the guy had a rugged looking face he wasn't ugly though, no he carried a certain charm that I know most girls would eat up. He was wearing the usual North High uniform save for the grey scarf he was wearing and the red headphones on his head covering his ears. He was casually listening to music on his left ear while the right was open, he stepped in front of Haruhi's desk to introduce himself.

"The names, Shirou Kitagawa. Just like all of you in this room, I want to become a member of the SOS Brigade." Haruhi was absolutely grinning at his declaration, I haven't seen her this happy before.

Koizumi was the first to interrogate our new 'recruit.'

"So how did you and Miss Suzumiya meet?" Shirou gave him a condescending look, as much of a prick Koizumi is. His question was innocent he didn't mean anything by it, probably.

"If you really want to know I'll let Haruhi explain for me, I'm not the vapid exposition type." Shirou coldly said back, I laughed my ass off in my mind. Koizumi was completely taken aback by the guy's comments, seeing the conflict between her troops, Haruhi began to tell the story.

"Here's how me and Shirou met, I was just minding my own business walking bored to school like always…. When suddenly I saw him crouching on the windowsill of another person's house!"

I spat out the tea that was in my mouth.

"He what!" Instead of Haruhi that responded to my outburst, it was Shirou.

"The reason why I was there was because that was the house of the guys that owns this here scarf and headphones."He said this while pointing at the stolen items nonchalantly. I stood from my seat to confront the guy.

"You should be in jail, why would you steal from another person." I hysterically stated. He just looked at me with the same uncaring eyes.

"The guy had it coming, he was a massive pervert and somebody needed to stop him." I sighed my eyes off, this guy was something special.

"So you do this by stealing his stuff!?" He smirked at me, he was clearly amused.

"It was justice for all the girls he groped." He said this without any trace of sarcasm in his voice. "That whole thing was just an easy excuse, to steal someone else's belongings!" I angrily retorted back.

"It was for justice." He responded. And for the second time today I gave up, I through my hands in the air to signify my surrender to his "logic."

Haruhi faked cough to get everybody's attention back to her, because God knows she has to be the centre of attention at all times. "Before I was rudely interrupted again!" Haruhi shouted whilst glaring at me (I could care less at this point)

"I found him on the windowsill of another person's house, he was on the second floor and jumped down to the ground, he did a safety roll and quickly ran to a nearby wall to hide from the owner of the house who was angrily searching for him through the window he jumped from. I hurriedly approached him as he began wearing the scarf and headphones he stole." I interrupted Haruhi again. Why? Because there was a burning question I needed to have answer to.

"let me get this straight Haruhi, your first instincts after witnessing theft and intrusion is not to call the police but excitedly approach the criminal!?" Instead of Haruhi it was Shirou who replied to my legitimate inquiry.

"Who ever said I was a criminal? For all she knew I was taking back what was rightfully mine?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"That's right, Shirou how was I supposed to know the difference!?" Haruhi chirped in.

"But it wasn't his in the first place!" I irritatingly said back.

"He only said that after, at that moment any possible situation could've been possible! It's not right for someone to judge a situation without knowing the specifics!" Haruhi proudly declared.

"So by your logic if I was about to be murdered by a psychopath and you had a gun you would let him kill me then ask him why later!?" I asked. "That's right! For all I know he could have a perfectly reasonable reason to kill you." I rest my tired face on my palm, it was no use trying to argue with continued for Haruhi, it seem now he is the vapid, exposition type.

"Well long story short Haruhi asked me my reasons for stealing the owner's stuff, naturally I said it was "for Justice's sake" and she instantly believed me…."The way you worded that implied that it wasn't for "justice" after all but I'm too tired to argue so I'll let it slide.

"She saw my North High uniform and asked me to join the brigade just like that and naturally I said, "Why not?" And now here we all are." He finished the tale of how he and Haruhi met and instead of quenching my curiosity, his explanation made me just want to ask more questions.

"That was a wonderful story, Shirou." Asahina said in a genuinely exited tone.

"Quite a story you've got, If I do say so myself Kitagawa." Koizumi said shortly after Asahina, his usual smug expression was back on his face.

The only ones who weren't singing the praises of his story, were me and Nagato who was staring at the guy intently. I knew it this guy was fishy, he wasn't normal from the start but now I know he's probably someone that's part of some fantasy class Haruhi hasn't assigned to one of us yet.

"Say Shirou how come I haven't seen you around school at all?" Koizumi asked.

"I haven't seen you either, you aren't a second year like me so I don't remember you from last year. Are you a transfer student like Koizumi?" Shirou stretched his arms a bit before answering

"No I'm not a transfer student, I've been attending school from the start of the year. As for the reason why you don't see me around. Well that's simple, I don't attend classes."

It was my turn to ask the questions.

"Why not? Are you some super genius who doesn't need to attend school?" He laughed at my question (What was so damn funny about it!?)

"Yes and no…" Everybody had a confused look on their face, even Haruhi did.

"Huh, what do you mean" I ask. "Well the only classes I do participate in are tests and the occasional gym class and while yes I do pretty damn well in those tests, I'm not exempt from attending class. I just don't attend them." The confused look on everyone's confused face didn't leave, in fact it got even more confused.

"How come you haven't been kicked out yet for being delinquent bum, who doesn't attend classes?" Shirou just shrugs and offers a guess as to why. "My grades are probably too good for them to justify kicking me out."

Haruhi interrupts the flow of the conversation by directing its focus to big surprise herself. "You've talked about yourself Shirou, yet you don't even know anyone here other than me by name." Haruhi started walking up to Koizumi and Asahina.

"These two are Koizumi Itsuki and Mikuru Asahina! Koizumi's the clubs Vice president and Mikuru is our insanely cute and moe brigade mascot." Haruhi then proceed to grope Mikuru from the back grabbing her voluptuous "assets" whilst dragging her to the cosplay rack

"Kyaaaa! Haruhi please no, not yet please! I've already made tea I don't need to wear the maid outfit!" Haruhi ignored Asahina's hapless pleadings for mercy and proceeded to grab the bunny costume instead.

"If you've made tea then you wouldn't mind wearing this outfit then, right Mikuru?" Asahina submitted to Haruhi's will. "I'm so sorry" I mouthed to Asahina.

I began to glare at Shirou, who had an amused look on his face. We've got a case of sexual assault right here and you're not doing squat about it! Justice's sake my ass. Haruhi after finally putting the outfit on her, continued introducing the rest of us.

"The quiet one in the back over there is Nagato and the idiot with the stupid questions is Kyon."

"Quite the group you've assembled here Haruhi." Shirou said whilst looking at all of us. Haruhi beamed at the praise she was given, she was a sucker for compliments.

"A busty, moe air head, a smug bastard, a kuudere and an idiot all fit into one group I'm impressed." Haruhi continued to beam despite the way he insulted us.

"Hahaha they would all be lost if it weren't for me!" She either didn't understand it was an insult or just didn't care, well I did.

"That's quite a bold way to explain someone, Kitagawa." Koizumi ever the spineless worm responded back.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to insult us, right Shirou?" Asahina asked with a completely pure and innocent smile, obviously directed at me.

"Of course not, Mikuru. I was just teasing a bit, it seems Kyon here took my banter to heart."I wasn't convinced it was a joke but I played it cool for Asahina's of attacking him back I decided to quench more of my curiosity.

"Why did you want to join the SOS Brigade in the first place Shirou? Any normal person would've said no." With this question, he finally took the headphones that were on his ears off and his full attention was directed my way.

"That's exactly why Kyon." Another confusing answer from him, what's with him and that?

"You see, like most if not all kids I did dream and hope that things like time travellers, wizards, superheroes and other such things did exist. And like the rest I did grow up and move on to more plausible things, but unlike the rest I never gave up my dream to see the supernatural and out of this world. No instead I kept myself in touch with reality without ever thinking that things like espers and sliders weren't possible. When I heard that Haruhi created a club about finding the supernatural and bizarre, well I just couldn't resist." I was surprised by his answer, I didn't expect it from a guy like him.

"Well said recruit Shirou, now that all the formalities are over I want everybody to go back to their Brigade duties now! That mean's tea now! Mikuru!" With that the outrageous introduction of our newest member, Shirou Kitagawa was over and just like that everything was back to the way things were.

Haruhi was busy thinking up plans for us to do this weekend, Mikuru was serving tea, Koizumi was playing solitaire, Nagato was reading her book and now Shirou to the left of me is listening to music and reading a manga. I slowly drifted back to sleep once I realised how bored I was.

It was the late afternoon by the time I woke up, I opened my eyes slowly to see the amber, late afternoon sky flood my weary eyes. "Finally awake princess?" I gave an exaggerated laugh in response to his statement.

"Everybody else left, why the hell are you still here Shirou?" I asked a bit peeved that he was the only one considerate enough to stay behind.

"This wasn't for your sake so don't get all mushy on me, we need to have a talk." I give him a nonchalant look like the one he gave me earlier.

"Of course you do everybody does, so what is it then? Spit it out already!" I saw this coming a mile away, I'm so used to this now that it lost any effect it barely had on me.

"Aren't you the deductive type, Kyon?" He sat down on the opposite seat staring at me with calculating eyes.

"Not really, I'm just so used to hearing life story's I stopped caring." I honestly said back.

"Ooh, aren't you special." Shirou teased back. "Cut the shit, what do you want?" I asked, Shirou then proceed to give the most arrogant, shit-eating grin I've ever seen. Damn he could give Koizumi a run for his money on how punchable his face is.

"Ah but you misunderstand Kyon, I don't want anything from you. Nor Koizumi, Mikuru or Haruhi." I'm not convinced, what's his game?

"All I want is tell you something." I was tired of his vague Bullshit.

"What then?" I respond back, Shirou finally decided to pull the ace from his sleave.

"I'm you, Kyon and you're me."

With that bombshell, Shirou or should I say me? I don't know anymore, stands from his seat and exists the door as naturally as one breathes. All I could do was try to comprehend the situation, for once in my life I was genuinely dumbfounded.


So here was a little story that I've been thinking over for a while, how would Kyon: a snarky, asshole deal with an even snarkier and less controlled version of himself? I decided to write my thought into this situation and this was the result. If you found my story interesting put down a review, don't be afraid to critique it will only help me improve my storytelling and writing.

See you later Space Cowboys….

-All Day Tsundere