I repeat, the fic contains coarse language. If it bothers you, read something else. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, sadly. If you share information with a character, it is coincidental, people, I picked the names and address randomly or because someone else suggested them, there's nothing personal behind them. Gilbert the Monkey belongs to Ella (Slytherin is my Family), and so does the summary of this fic. Thanx, girl. :)

Bellatrix Black walked down the Muggle lane carefully, trying to remain calm and composed. It was hard to prevent herself from swearing loudly. It was all Dumbledore's fault. After years of unfortunate events that involved Mudbloods who couldn't understand the difference between a cat and a Kneazle, he had proposed special camps for Mudbloods early on in their life. And then, just to punish the civilized Pureblooded children of the school, he had passed a new initiative, according to which students would not be allowed to graduate if they had not logged enough hours showing the wizarding world to young Mudbloods. All this, of course, in the name of equality and blending together two excellent civilizations for the greater good. It made Bellatrix want to gag and swear at the same time.

She had seriously considered flat-out refusing to participate, only the Dark Lord had convinced her to make an effort, so his followers could still have a low profile. Keeping up appearances was very important, he had said. Bella couldn't help but be annoyed by him too. She found children irritating and, really, she had never met a Muggle before.

They had been instructed to give the children an idea on how magic worked in everyday life and also show them magical landmarks, so she had decided that her family's castle fit the bill perfectly: it was ancient, many wizarding personalities had resided there and it even had vast gardens that the child would like. The closeness of the dungeons and their torture equipment was certainly a downside, but even she couldn't have everything.

Bella checked again the parchment where the kid's name and address were written.

'Julie White, Begonia Lane, 34'

Yes, this was the house: a large square made of pink bricks with a smaller square attached to it, from which a silvery... thing with elastic wheels was protruding. The Dark Lord had mentioned something about vehicles that helped Muggles move relatively quickly from place to place, but she had imagined them entirely different. The metallic skeleton looked muscular and aggressive, while he had said the... cars were fragile and dilapidated.

Bellatrix walked towards the door bracing herself, and knocked. A petite woman with a white apron over her collared pink dress opened, and her smile faded the moment her gaze fell upon the young aristocrat. Without a trace of social grace, her head lolled forward as her brain failed to register that the tall girl standing before her was wearing a costume from a quality Medieval film, matching jewelry that looked absolutely real and had shining ebony hair that fell past her hips.

"Can-can I help you?" she barely whispered.

"Mrs. Dorothy White? I am Bellatrix Black, the new babysitter of your daughter, Miss Julie White," the... hallucination said confidently.

"I- The agency said they were sending a student," the woman said like she was begging to be woken up, unbuttoning the first button of her collar to breathe more freely.

"I am a student. May I come in?"

Mrs. White moved aside and the... actress walked in, her nose wrinkled delicately as she looked around the suburban home, apparently oblivious to the surprise and shock her appearance had caused.

"Is the child upstairs?" Bellatrix continued in the same steady tone, a tad bit professionally. The woman nodded, her mouth still hanging open, and Bellatrix climbed up the stairs, trying not to look around at the filth. The pink door to the right had a plaque that read 'JULIE' in childish, distorted letters and under that 'gIVe THE worD'. The young woman stared at the sign wondering why in the name of Slytherin a house with one child would need to put a sign on its door. She had two sisters and they never mixed up their bedrooms. Perhaps Muggles didn't particularly care about their offspring- which made her job easier. If the kid had a freak accident in her watch, she wouldn't be burnt on the stake old-style. The problem was, she needed the code to enter the room and she had no idea what it was, no one had given her any notes on that.

Bellatrix was pondering the collateral damage of bringing down the door with magic, when Mrs. White spoke in a shaky voice from the ground floor.

"Is there a problem, Miss?"

"I... it says here I need a password. Would you mind giving it to me?" Bellatrix said stiffly, angry she had to ask for help.

The mother let out a slightly maniacal laugh. Not sure whether the girl was joking or if she were dangerous for real, she climbed up the stairs too and, making sure to keep a fair distance from Bellatrix, knocked on the pink door and opened it.

"That was a gesture, not a word," Bellatrix stated annoyed, but then she spotted the reason she was being tormented and forgot to continue.

About two feet down, a child of around five was standing, her big blue eyes wide open. She had short brown hair pulled into pigtails with a plastic, sparkly tiara balanced between them. She was wearing a shimmering costume of some sort, from which her normal clothes stuck out, forming a rather kitsch sight.

"Hi, Julie," Bellatrix started haughtily, "my name is Bellatrix Black, we will be spending this day together. May I come into your room?" and when the child remained still, gaping at her, she let herself inside.

The room had pink everywhere, pale pink, fuchsia pink, bonbon pink and stick-your-finger-down-your-throat pink; so much, Bellatrix had to squint to encourage her eyes to get used to the brightness. It was also far smaller than her own bedroom, decorated with a princess theme and many stuffed animals. With no armchairs in sight, Bellatrix sat on the bed, carefully arranging her skirts around her.

"You look like a princess," the child whispered in awe.

"Excuse me?"

"You look like a princess," Julie repeated, raising a small hand and grabbing hard the end of Bellatrix' long hair. She petted the soft strands as if they were a cat's fur.

"Hey, don't touch the hair, kid," Bellatrix shot up from the bed, so that the trapped strands were pulled violently. "Ouch!" she hissed, making the child jump too. Julie let her go and lowered her head.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"It's- It's fine, just be careful. And no touching, okay?"

"Okay," the little girl nodded, and then turned her attention back to Bellatrix' appearance. "Where did you get that?" she pointed at her dress with the elaborate silk patterns of sleeping dragons on it. "You look like a real princess," she said for the third time.

"I got it from Diagon Alley, my mother's seamstress made it for me," Bellatrix returned, slightly annoyed. "Well, I'm not a real princess, there are no princesses at all where I come from."

"Is that why you're sad?"

It was Bellatrix' time to be speechless. "Aren't you adorable," she spat.

"Did your prince leave you?" Julie said compassionately. She reached for a toy in a shelf and retrieved a stuffed unicorn, very similar to Snow, Narcissa's favourite thing in the whole world; after brushes, that is. "Don't worry, Mummy says that if he truly loves you, he'll come back and he'll never leave you again."

"Somehow I doubt that," Bellatrix said in a very different tone now. "Well, come on, we should go."

"Where're we going?"

"To a real castle."

"Your castle?"

"My family's castle."

"You really are a princess!" exclaimed Julie happily. "Oh, wait, Gilbert mustn't miss this." And with those words she buried herself in the closest toy pile, stuffed dolls covering her completely, and started throwing behind her whatever she found useless.

"Who's Gilbert? No one told me about a brother..." Bellatrix mused, and Julie let out another cry of triumph, her small arm sticking out of the pile, the rest of her body still covered in toys. She was holding a stuffed monkey in a red waistcoat.

"That's Gilbert," Julie said importantly. "Gilbert, this is Beatrice, Beatrice, Gilbert. Gilbert's my best friend."

"Bellatrix," corrected Bellatrix. And when Julie pocked her at the side with it, she shook the stuffed monkey's hand darkly. "Monkeys don't wear waistcoats," she informed the child.

"Gilbert does!" Julie insisted.

"The thing is, if you try and dress a real monkey in a waistcoat, Gilbert will take your head off. And with good reason, it's animal torture."

"What's that?" Julie got distracted by the unknown words.

"Torture is... inflicting pain on someone for fun- I mean, just inflicting pain on a person. Or animal. For... various reasons. And it's- it's not a good thing."

Julie continued gaping at her, obviously getting more lost with every word Bellatrix said.

"Can we go now?" she sulked.

"Fine, but it will be your head that gets ripped off, not mine, come on. Does your mother know you're leaving, or should I tell her?"

Julie shrugged and attached a top hat on Gilbert's head nonchalantly. Bellatrix rolled her eyes, wondering how she would get through the evening. She took a piece of parchment from her robes, wrote a few words to the child's mother and then offered her hand to Julie.

"Hold real tight, okay?"

The child grabbed her hand, eyes focused on the old-fashioned rings. Bellatrix twirled on the spot and the next second they were in her own house.

Bellatrix had believed that the child would be interested in the vast collection of magical instruments the castle held, a collection they were forced to have open to the wizarding public every Wednesday. She was even prepared to give her the advanced tour of the museum part, but apparently Julie got more impressed by the velvet curtains and the dresses of the painted women than the story behind each lady. Finally, Bellatrix gave up any effort to teach her and took the child to the gardens, only to regret that too when Julie started running around excitedly. Her mother was very fond of the gardens and she would be angry beyond belief if she spotted any damage to her precious flowerbeds.

Bellatrix watched Julie explore gardens and fountains gloomily. She would have really loved to just tell the kid to stay still, or, even better, curse her, but a tiny voice that took the Dark Lord's attractive quality told her to take deep breaths and not explode.

Actually... calling the Dark Lord would be a great improvement; he would get a portion of the torment he deserved for getting her into this, and her own mood always got boosted by having him around. Without a second thought, Bella touched her Mark to send an SOS message. The Dark Lord was with her the very next second, his wand out, ready to curse whatever was threatening her.

"Hi," Bellatrix beamed from ear to ear.

"Bella, what is it?" Lord Voldemort asked curtly, his crimson eyes scanning the area feverishly.

"Hope I'm not interrupting," Bellatrix returned pleasantly, like they were enjoying their evening tea.

"Are you all right? You sent an SOS, I thought you were dying," he hissed in anger, as he realised he had been tricked.

"Well, the kid will be dying soon if you don't stay. I'll murder her," she said, her eyes gleaming darkly.

"I am going back to work, you grow up and have patience. And never do that again," he spat.

"I won't be able to do that again if I'm in prison convicted for child-murder, that's true. Because you may be amazing, my Lord, but there's not a chance even you will manage to save my neck after I'm done with the kid."

Voldemort eyed her annoyed, trying to figure whether she was exaggerating or not. He seemed to get convinced, because he pocketed his wand and his stiff posture relaxed a bit.

"What do you want?"

"You, naked in a chalet in the Alps," Bellatrix answered immediately, and Voldemort cocked a slim eyebrow. "Oh, you mean right now? Some company would be nice."

"Right, and since I will absolutely not do that out of the goodness of my heart, what am I getting in return?"

"Like I said, my lord, a lieutenant with whom you can communicate without bars in the in between."

"I was aiming for something..." Voldemort pretended to be thinking hard, "... kinkier?"

"You get to tie me up when I'm drunk or tired and that's it," Bellatrix snorted. "Look, how about we discuss this later? Like, after we've made sure Mother won't murder me for destroying her bloody flowers? The kid's probably plugging every single daisy she can find right now."

"And where would that be, exactly?" Voldemort said too nicely. "I cannot see her anywhere."

"Well, she was just here..."

"What do you mean, 'just here'? You lost her?"

"I did not. She must've... must've walked off somewhere, seen a bird or a butterfly and followed it..."

"Or a rabbit and now she is Alice in Wonderland," Voldemort sneered between his teeth.

"Who's Alice?"

"No one, come, we need to find the child before she reaches the end of your estates and your Muggle neighbors shoot her like a doe."

"Oh, I am so fucked," whimpered Bellatrix, as she accompanied Voldemort deeper into the gardens that her father had intentionally fashioned in the manner of the Labyrinth of Crete.

"No need for language, Bella," Voldemort said annoyed. "Actually, no need for anything, I found her. Look up there," and he raised a pale, long finger to point at a sparkly dot on a...

"A tree?" exclaimed Bellatrix. "She climbed up a tree? Like a monkey?"

"The how matters not, Bella, we need to get her down," Voldemort frowned.

"How? She won't come down on her own."

"You don't know that."

"Actually I do, I've had plenty of cats in my life. You either go up and get it yourself, or put food down. Somehow I doubt the little monkey will fall for that even if we bribe her with a banana."

"No, but she might respond if you ask nicely."

"Is 'nicely' a new word?" Bellatrix cocked an eyebrow. "She's six, she doesn't understand. We're different species when we're young. I mean, at her age I thought we'd get married."

"My point exactly," Voldemort agreed serenely. "We are almost married. And, after you graduate, it will be more obvious, as I expect you to move in right away."

Bellatrix' jaw dropped at those words, but he didn't seem to notice and continued talking: "see, she is no different than you."

"So you'll be fucking her up the arse in ten years, too?" Bellatrix bit back to cover up her real emotions.

"That is disgusting, Bella," Voldemort said, his face screwed up in disapproval.

"That's not what you said last night. Fine, I say we leave her up there. She'll fall asleep at some point and then we break the fall with a spell, how about this?"

"You are not being helpful," he returned, annoyance more evident now. "Here, try talking to her."

"You do it, if you know everything," Bellatrix sulked.

"Studies have shown children respond better to a female voice."

"Can you explain to me how the fact that I have a uterus means I am more fitting for this task than you? Because I mainly feel the urge to strangle the kid, not mother it."

"It is a genetic predisposition, and I believe that, at this point, the organs that make the difference are farther up in your body."

"Right, last time I checked my mother had a pair of those, but they never helped her raising three children and I ended up doing all the work. And we both know what a fucked up job I did at that," breathed Bellatrix.

"Haven't you ever considered having children? With me, for instance?" Voldemort asked, his face completely expressionless this time. He seemed to be focusing solely on the young woman and had forgotten all about the child dangling from the tree.

The question must have taken Bellatrix by extreme surprise, because she stopped dead, her blue eyes appraising his crimson ones.

"No, my lord," she said quietly. "I would be a terrible mother, more of a child myself no matter my biological age and jealous of my children for getting your attention and having some creepy snake-nanny. And I would always be more interested in you than them and that's a horrible thing for a child, I know it firsthand. Not to mention I would be bored to death if I couldn't take part in your plans due to a baby or a pregnancy. And the kids would be testing my patience every day and well, it's not worth giving up this body for something that mainly eats, cries and poops. Plus, our kids specifically would be sadistic killers, the world is better off without them. We are better off without them."

Voldemort stared at her blankly for a second and then muttered:

"Well, that certainly proves you have never thought about it."

"Why, do you want kids?" asked Bellatrix suspiciously.

"No, I hate children, I had enough of them when I was younger. I actually regret I didn't kill them all back then."

"Then why are we talking about it?"

"You started it."

"And then I'm immature. Can we go back in, now? It's getting chilly."

"And leave the kid there?" Voldemort took the same censorious expression as before. "I don't think so. We will convince her to come down and then we can both go back to work, yes?"

Bellatrix returned a sulking face, and yet followed him, as he approached the grove of trees the girl had chosen to hide in. Julie was sitting on a large, thick branch, her feet swinging around and Gilbert lying on her lap. She had wrapped her arms around a nearby branch to keep her balance and seemed very happy with her lot. She waved merrily from up there when she spotted Bellatrix. But, as she shifted her position to disentangle her arm, Gilbert slipped off her lap and fell down, Voldemort automatically shooting out a hand to save the monkey in the red waistcoat.

A cry of agony escaped Julie's lips. "Gilbeeert!"

Voldemort gave Bellatrix an inquisitive look. "I cannot recall changing my name to Gilbert," he said thoughtfully.

"The toy's name is Gilbert. Give it to me, I have an idea," Bellatrix muttered and grabbed the stuffed animal from his long fingers. "Julie, Julie, sweetie, come down to get your little monkey friend," she said in what she thought was a friendly tone.

"You realise you sound like the Grim Reaper who tripped and landed into a honey jar, yes?" Voldemort said pleasantly.

Bellatrix was about to answer appropriately, when Julie burst into tears.

"And I didn't take my medication today," Bellatrix hissed.

"You never do," Voldemort smiled darkly.

"Very funny," Bellatrix returned the grim smile and then called again: "Julie, come down, or we'll have to bring down the tree!"

"Diabolical," Voldemort said in mock awe, "an appeal to her deep concern of your family's property. She will be with us straight away."

"Fine, you get her down then, Mr. Know-It-All."

"Fine," Voldemort said easily, before turning to the sobbing child. "Julie, come down and I will tell you all about Bella's secrets as a princess."

"Like that's going to work, I've already told her I'm not a real princess."

"Isn't it?" smirked Voldemort, pointing at Julie, whose sobs were become less frequent and who seemed to be trying to figure a way to descend from her tree. "Jump down, kid," he added, and twirled his wand over the place where the child would land.

After a moment's hesitation, Julie let go. She fell with her legs vertically to the ground, bouncing multiple times from Voldemort's spell, as if on a trampoline.

"That was so cool!" she said, clapping her small hands. "Can we go again?"

"No!" both Bellatrix and Voldemort answered instantly.

"Hello Julie, my name is Tom, will you give me your arm so we can get back to the house?"

The child, under Bellatrix' incredulous look, agreed happily and all three walked back to the castle in silence. When they reached the Entrance Hall, Voldemort pushed her towards Bellatrix.

"All yours, my dear," he smirked. "I have to say, I am quite hurt by your ingratitude. No 'thank you, my Lord.' No 'let's arrange an orgy with my girlfriends, my Lord.'"

"As if they would survive a night with-" Bellatrix sneered, only to take a dramatic expression mid-sentence.

"What is it now? Another feral child running loose around your estates?" Voldemort asked tiredly.

"I just realised," Bellatrix said, theatrically throwing her head back and covering her face with her hand, not convincing anyone though, "I have a DADA essay due tomorrow, haven't even started it yet."

"Don't you say?" he drawled. "An important essay, I presume. One of those you cannot afford to miss."

"How did you know?" Bellatrix' eyes shone devilishly. "And you did promise the kid princess stories, it would pass the wrong message going back to your promise."

"Did I mention you interrupted me in the middle of a very important appointment and that the only reason I stayed is because I would hate to find you in a shallow grave with Dumbledore dancing over it?"

"You may have mentioned it, yes," Bellatrix smiled pleasantly. "But I know you're too much of a perfectionist to let me go to class without my essay. Besides, you prefer listening to yourself for an hour than having an actual conversation with anyone."

Voldemort looked at her appraisingly. In the end he nodded curtly.

"You are the most awesome Dark Lord ever," she flashed him a smile. "I'll be upstairs working."

"Hmmff," was Voldemort's response and then he turned to Julie, who all this time had been staring at them both with a perplexed expression on her face, not able to follow their conversation and too tired to try and escape again.

"So, Julie, has Bella told you all about the time she was gifted a young, purely golden unicorn for her birthday?"

"You know," Bellatrix' voice came from half a floor up, "it's a shame you don't want kids, you'd make a great Dad!"

A/N: Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think.

Note: Old manors have to be open at least once a week to the public.