I'm Sorry
My first ever fan fic but there are constant stories running through head. After 6 hours of driving today I was inspired by John Denver's "I'm sorry."
I still have not recovered from Rayna not apologizing to Deacon for
keeping Maddie a secret.
This picks up after the Music City Festival.
DISCLAIMER: Characters are copyright of NASHVILLE. I own nothing.
Chapter 1: The Lyrics
It's been a week since the Music City Music Festival. It's been a week since
Peggy's death, a week of Rayna looking after Teddy and the girls, and
a week of renewed guilt over the state of their lives- all of their
lives. And yet, it's not her failed marriage she's feeling the guiltiest
about. What haunts her most at night, when the house is quiet, when she is alone, is how she's treated Deacon. She's realizing, not for the first time, how fleeting life is, and what she really wants in her life is Deacon.
But, if his blow off after his performance at the music festival is any indication, he seems to finally be through with her. Is it for good this time? How could it not be. The hell Deacon put her through during their years together was due to his alcoholism. It was due to an illness. But what she put him through…it was deliberate. Wasn't it? She downright betrayed him. She hurt him on purpose. She put the feelings of another man first. Was she really as virtuous as she gave herself credit for? How could she claim she loved Deacon if she put a promise to Teddy before him. Deacon had a right to know about Maddie from the very beginning, and the web they wove with this lie- the web SHE wove…Her lie had triggered so many problems, right down to Peggy's death
She's had trouble sleeping at night. There's a constant knot in her stomach that feels like it's eating her up inside. The city seems so bleak. Life seems bleak. She can't get warm. Winter is not her favorite time of year. She's been snapping at Tandy and Bucky. They think it's the stress of the added security Teddy assigned to them all, but that's not it. She's finally opened herself up to the full responsibility of her actions.
On her 4th sleepless night, the night after Peggy's funeral, Rayna finally gets up and starts to write.
"I'm Sorry"
It's cold here in the city, it always seems that way,
and I've been thinking about you almost every day.
Thinking about the good times, thinking about the rain.
Thinking about how bad it feels alone again.
I'm sorry for the way things are in China, I'm sorry things ain't what they used to be.
More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself cause you're not here with me.
Our friends all ask about you, I say you're doing fine. I expect to hear from you almost anytime.
They all know I'm crying, and I can't sleep at night. They all know I'm dying down deep inside.
I'm sorry for all the lies I told you, I'm sorry for the things I didn't say.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself. I can't believe you went away.
I'm sorry if I took some things for granted, I'm sorry for the chains I put on you.
But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself for living without you.
After a night alone with her lyrics she gets up enough courage to call Deacon. Now that he and Maddie are building their own relationship she rarely talks to him anymore. Since the night when she gave him his ring back, when she told him they needed to save themselves, he rarely calls her.
"Hey," Rayna says into the phone when Deacon answers on the third ring. "Do you have a few minutes today? Would it be okay if I came by to talk?"
"Is everything alright?" Deacon asks. "Is Maddie okay?"
"Yeah she's fine. She's been really strong since Peggy, ya know... " she trails off. "But,
I, just wanted to run a couple things by you," she fibbed.
"Ok. Megan's leaving for work in a few minutes, and I'll be here until about 11, before my physical therapy."
"Thanks Deacon. I'll see ya in a few."
Rayna showers and throws on a pair of jeans. She tries to cover up the dark circles under her eyes but even a miracle worker couldn't help there. An hour and a half later she is standing on Deacon's front porch.
"Hey, " Deacon says somberly.
"Hey. Thanks for seeing me today."
"Yeah. Of course. What's up?"
" Well, I know I have no right to ask, but I need one more track on my album.
I wrote something last night and I need some feedback on it, and, you
know, I respect your opinion. No one has an ear for music like you."
Deacon pauses for a moment as he tries to sum up the situation.
"Can I get you some coffee?" he asks as he motions for her to come in.
A few minutes later they're sitting at the kitchen counter.
Deacon reads through the lyrics.
He coughs.
He gets to "sorry for all the lies" and looks up at her, but continues reading.
He takes a deep breath when he gets to the end.
"Those are some pretty serious lyrics."
"Yeah," Rayna looks down at her coffee cup. "You know I'm not real good at apologies. I feel like this one was a long time comin'. I'm just so sorry for everything Deacon. I'm sorry for all of the messes I've made with everyone's lives, especially yours. It was never
my intention to hurt you, but I know I've made some huge mistakes. I do know how wrong I was not to tell you about Maddie."
Deacon takes a deep breath and let's it out. Did you still want my feedback on the song?
"I mostly wanted you to read it, "she says with sincerity.
Deacon sits there, clenching his jaw and gripping his coffee mug tighter.
Rayna waits a moment longer before taking a breath and giving Deacon a small, sad smile. She gets up and begins putting her coat on.
"I am sorry. I better be goin', I guess," Rayna says in a quieter voice, filled with uncharacteristic uncertainty. "But I do want you to know that I am on your side, and Maddie's, and I will do whatever I can to try to correct my mistakes. Take care of yourself Deacon. I hope one day you can learn to trust me again."
Deacon watches as Rayna turns and walks out the front door.
