Conversations
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1- Mac and Veronica
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There are numbers going through Veronica's head as she waits for Mac in Mama Leone: twenty-eight. Eight months of physical therapy for her dad. The staggering number of her student loan. Rent to pay. The amount of money the case she accepted this morning will bring in. One hundred and sixty seven days to go.
This one comes back a lot.
"Oh, that frown doesn't look good, Bond," Mac says as she plops down in front of her. "Are you having setbacks in conquering the world?"
"You know how it goes, Q, it comes easier to the villains. They've got the cash," Veronica jokes. "Ready to eat messy?"
"Always," Mac answers.
It only takes them a few minutes to order - they always get the same thing here.
"Sooo..." Mac starts as she ties the lobster bib around her neck. "Logan again, uh?"
Straight for the jugular. Mac has never been one to dance around the problem.
"It's always been Logan," Veronica sighs. "You know how we are."
Everyone in their entourage knows, of course. You only have to take a look at Keith's first reaction when his only daughter came back to Neptune and it took him all of five seconds to guess it was Logan-related. Or Dick's comment about her following him around, even after nine years of radio silence.
It's always about Logan.
"I do," Mac nods. "And I hope that this time it works out..."
She trails off, looking uncertain.
"We've grown up," Veronica says.
"Did you?" Mac asks. "I don't mean anything bad by that, Veronica, but you sort of fell back to your old patterns with him, didn't you? Something went very wrong in your lives and you got back together again."
Veronica leans back and muses a little on this. Did they really? It had been the way for them, all those years before, and Mac has it right. Her dad had been in the hospital and her first thought had been that she needed Logan. She had needed him and his touch, fiercely, and it had been all she could think about at that moment.
Mac is looking at her worriedly now.
"Look, Veronica, I don't mean that I'm against it... I'm just..."
"It's okay, Mac," Veronica interrupts her, raising her hand. "You're right. It is our pattern."
"I'm not so sure it is healthy, that's all."
"I need him," Veronica blurts out.
Mac looks a bit shocked at that. Veronica knows why: she hasn't exactly made an habit of being forthright with her feelings. She's never actually talked to anyone about the way Logan and her work, because it's always felt too complicated and too intimate at the same time, for her to share it with anyone.
She's also always acted like she didn't need anyone. Veronica Mars was a strong, independant woman, and she stood on her own in the face of adversity. And it had cost her so much that she had ran to the other side of the fucking continent to be able to maintain that persona.
"It's hard to explain," she says, taking the bib off. She doesn't feel like eating anymore, because her stomach is knotted and she thinks she may be having an epiphany. "The fact is that every dramatic moment in my life is linked with Logan. It's woven so tightly that we can't even distinguish ourselves from what happened to us, I think. And yeah, it's not healthy, probably but... I need him."
"Do you think it's a good basis for a relationship?" Mac questions, and she's not eating anymore either.
Veronica laughs a little and remember Logan telling her that they never wrote songs about the ones that come easy. She doesn't know why she thinks about this moment, but she's thought about it so many times before that she's not really surprised it comes to her mind. It's been an automatic response whenever Logan comes to the forefront of her thoughts these past years. She's come to identify that declaration of his as the defining moment in their relationship. There was a pre-epic love story period in their history, and a post-epic love story one. Because at that time, she had realized that Logan loved her. That he truly, deeply loved her, and that he would never stop, no matter what happened in their lives.
There was a reason she never contacted him and avoided every mention of Logan Echolls for the following nine years. She had known that Logan would still love her, and she knew she could never handle the temptation of going back to him.
And look how spot on she had been: it had taken them only a few days to jump each other again.
"I need him, Mac," she says again. "I love him, much more than I ever loved or wanted to love anyone else. And the fact that I always go back to him when something awful happens is because of this."
"And you're not afraid it will end up like all those other times before?" Mac asks, frowning. "You guys don't really have a stellar track record."
Veronica sighs. She's thought about that, a lot. And she's come to her conclusion a few days ago.
"I don't know," she answers truthfully. "I think we've both grown up, and matured. And really, if nine years of avoidance didn't do the trick, I doubt anything could. The bottom line is, I suppose, that we've tried being apart, and it just didn't work. We need each other. I don't think we can go back to living without each other."
It's really hard for her to tell Mac all of this, but she feels like she owes it to her friend. And she also wants her to understand, as much as it is possible to understand. Veronica isn't kidding when she says she can't live without Logan being hers. Every time her dad suggests she goes back to New York, the first thing that pops in her head is that she would go mad with jealousy if Logan found someone else now. She's not a sharer, and Logan is hers. Always have, always will.
"That is... sort of sad and amazing at the same time," Mac finally says. "Hey, it's your life, anyway, Bond, and I'll be here to pick up the pieces if anything happens. I'd just rather it didn't happen, you know?"
"I know. You're the best, Q," Veronica smiles. "And if it's any help, I really think it's going to work this time. We're not the same people we were ten years ago."
"It does sort of help," Mac says. "It's been so long since I've seen you this... relaxed."
Veronica doesn't feel relaxed. She thinks about one hundred and sixty seven days to go and she feels like her skin is too tight and she's going to choke. She hates that she's that unsettled by his absence again. Was that how Lianne felt when she tried to get clean? No wonder so few addicts managed to shake the dependance completely - the withdrawal symptoms were just too much to bear.
"It's the new me," she jokes.
"And apparently the new you is an Army wife," Mac deadpans. "Who would have thought?"
"He's Navy, not Army."
Mac gives her a pointed look, smirking.
"See? You're already starting to settle into your role!"
"This is going to be a recurring joke, isn't it?"
"You bet it is."
And then they're both laughing and Veronica thinks one down, three to go, and then one hundred and sixty seven days to go.
But what are one hundred and sixty seven days? They're Veronica and Logan, and their story is epic.
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Yep, really obsessive about LoVe right now, especially the way it was depicted in the movie. Two short stories in two days, I've rarely been this productive.
There should be more to come, as I intend for Veronica to have such discussions with the main people in their entourage: Dick, Keith and Wallace.
If you have any remarks, I'll be glad to hear them.
