He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
part one
'Where's Remus?'
They must have asked each other that same question half a dozen times already. First, standing on the platform, preparing to board the Hogwarts Express for their seventh year; second, sitting in the compartment, waiting for the train to leave; and now, as they hurtled along at full speed, headed north.
The enquirer was Peter this time, and his confused expression was shared between James and Sirius both.
'I mean, where could he possibly be? Why would he miss the train? That doesn't make sense.'
'Wait,' said James, sitting forward abruptly, and Sirius perked up at his revelation-inspired tone. 'When was the last full moon?'
Sirius deflated; James' sudden apparent epiphany was nothing. 'Nearly two weeks ago. We'd have heard by now if something happened,' he said, and went back to staring out the window, unable to help the fact that he really was starting to get worried.
The journey seemed so much longer and infinitely more tiresome than it usually did. Normally, Sirius enjoyed the chance to catch up with his friends - at least for the first couple of hours, when his arse wasn't so bloody numb. But he'd spent the whole summer holidays with James, and Peter … well, he was Peter, wasn't he?
So, truth be told, he had been looking forward to seeing Remus.
They didn't talk much, but when the witch with the tea trolley came by, James bought three of practically half of what was on offer and shared the sweets between them. Sirius was grateful for the distraction as they swapped wizard cards, laughing about the days when they actually used to collect them.
It was such a relief to finally pull into Hogsmeade station hours later, the sky already dark and studded with stars.
The three boys waited for the rush to clear before leaving their compartment and disembarking from the train, and while Hagrid spoke to the first years, they followed the main throng of students to the waiting carriages.
Sirius climbed after Peter into one which already seated a Ravenclaw girl and younger Slytherin boy, so alike in appearance they could only be siblings.
It wasn't until he was settled that Sirius noticed James was yet to join them. The look on his face was one of shock, or perhaps repulsion, as he stood beside the carriage staring fixedly into space.
'Getting in, are you?' Sirius said, and James immediately came to and climbed in to take his seat. 'What was that about?'
'Nothing,' James said with a quick shake of his head. 'It's just hard to believe this is our last year, is all'
The carriages set off towards Hogwarts, the uneven road providing a rough ride. Sirius stared out the window into the night sky, his mind drifting back to Remus and the mystery of why he hadn't been on the train. With his mind occupied, the journey passed quickly, and soon they were taking their seats in the Great Hall.
The first years were sorted, dinner had begun and Sirius was about to stab a slice of roast lamb with his fork when Remus approached and, after lifting his legs carefully over the wooden bench, took a seat next to James.
It took James all of twenty seconds to notice the new arrival, and by that time Remus was already sampling some of the interesting looking noodles Sirius had been eyeing off.
Immediately upon realising who was now sitting beside him, James whacked him squarely on the shoulder. 'Where the hell have you been?'
Remus swallowed animatedly and pointed a finger at the table. 'Here,' he said, and as if that was elaboration enough, poured himself a glass of juice from one of the many jugs wet with condensation.
'What, at Hogwarts?' All three of them, James and Sirius and Peter, had stopped their eating as they waited for an explanation from Remus.
'Oh yes, because I just love school that much,' Remus said, and laughed to himself before swallowing a mouthful of the juice. He pulled a face. 'Urgh, grapefruit.'
'Honestly, you've been here?'
Remus nodded, setting his glass on the table. 'For a week, but I'll tell you about it when we get upstairs,' he said, and went back to his dinner.
The other two seemed to accept this, though they exchanged curious looks, but Sirius wasn't so easily satisfied.
'What, you couldn't even send an owl and let us know?' he said crossly, too annoyed to care whether or not Remus even had an explanation.
A little taken-aback, Remus said, 'I didn't think it would be a problem.'
'What were we supposed to think when you weren't on the train?'
'It hardly makes a difference now, Sirius,' James said. Sirius glared at him.
'I know that,' he said, more snappish than he intended. 'I'm just saying it would have been nice to have known, is all.'
'Sorry,' Remus muttered, but Sirius clicked his tongue and ignored it.
They didn't much speak again until they were upstairs and in the privacy of their dormitory. The edgy mood Sirius had created was all but forgotten by the time James closed the door behind them.
'So why've you been here all this time? What's going on?' he asked, and the four of them each settled on their own bed.
'The short version is,' Remus said, propping himself up on his pillow as he lay on his stomach, facing the room, 'that on the last full moon there were wolves hanging around our neighbourhood.'
Peter gasped at this, James said 'bloody hell,' and Sirius' mouth fell open.
'You don't mean werewolves?' James said. 'Or do you?'
'Well, my mum thought so. Dumbledore agreed to let me come here early just in case, which answers your question, and no one has seen them since I left.'
'Coincidence?' Sirius said, but Remus only shrugged.
'Why didn't your parents call the Ministry or the Werewolf Registry, or something?' Peter said. 'I mean, they'd have people to come out and catch all sorts of things, wouldn't they?'
It wasn't hard for Sirius to guess the answer to that, and judging by his silence, there was no doubt James was thinking along the same lines.
'Because I'm a werewolf, Peter.'
'So what?!'
Remus smiled solemnly. 'They tend not to listen when they think you're a monster.'
'But you're not!'
'Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with you.' Remus said. 'Besides, a werewolf worried about other werewolves? They'd have laughed in my face if they weren't so afraid I was going to maul them.'
He paused. 'I suppose it doesn't matter.'
'No, it doesn't,' Sirius said loudly and earned himself three very startled, wide-eyed looks. 'Fuck them. Those cunts can think what they want. Since when do we give a toss what they think, anyway?'
'True enough,' Remus said. 'I just wish '
'Don't bother.' Sirius couldn't help but roll his eyes at the way they gaped at him. 'Come on, I am a Black, remember? You don't come from a family like that and not learn a thing or two about narrow-minded people and why exactly they'll never fucking change. It's a waste of time even worrying about it.'
'Alright, we can argue about it tomorrow,' James said. 'Just as long as you're at Hogwarts, Remus, you're fine, and I'm sorry the Ministry are a bunch of idiots, but I'm knackered. I have to get ready for bed.'
Despite all he'd said, as he settled down for sleep himself, Sirius couldn't help but ponder the likelihood of Remus being stalked by werewolves and what would that might mean if he was. He sighed; he could just imagine Remus lying awake wondering that very same thing.
As classes began and normal life at Hogwarts resumed, the scare became a thing of the past, nearly disregarded altogether. There was no news of the werewolves (if they had been werewolves at all), and Remus seemed in his usual good spirits.
Homework again became a major concern and the inspiration for many a headache, especially as the teachers were now so strict about its timely - not to mention accurate - completion. Of course, there was nary a problem for Sirius in this respect, as both he and James were more than capable of leaving it until the last minute and yet still managing enviable results.
However, talent and luck can only do so much. Eight weeks in to term, Professor McGonagall had dished them out an essay to complete - three whole feet worth of parchment on the finer points of human transfiguration and its dangers - of which Sirius failed to write even a single word. McGonagall had been adamant, after the rather dismal results from many of their classmates on the last homework assignment, that anyone performing below the standard expected of perfectly able seventh year students (as she reminded them they were), would live to regret it.
Frankly, Sirius didn't want to know. He really had meant to get the work done, but after he and James had gotten the brilliant idea to charm as many small, and preferably non-lethal, items to stick to the common-room ceiling the night before, he had simply forgotten. They'd spent several good hours at it after everyone else had gone to bed, using scrunched up bits of parchment, lollies from Honeydukes, discarded quills, anything they could get their hands on, and managed to create the perfect magical trigger - first person down from the dormitories the next morning would unwittingly release the torrent upon themselves. They only wished they could be there to see the look on their poor victim's face.
So it was that neither of them had been able to keep from cracking up when they passed through the wreckage on their way to breakfast the next morning, confused Gryffindors wandering about asking, 'What's all this?'
The afterglow of another prank well done hadn't lasted long, though. Not for Sirius anyway, after Remus, who was eating his breakfast toast over the day's Prophet, asked him, 'I trust you finished your essay?'
About two seconds of blank incomprehension, punctuated by the clang of cutlery on dishes and the loud chatter of students, and then it hit him. 'Shit! Shit, I haven't even started!'
'Oh, no,' Peter said, covering his mouthful of food with a hand as he started laughing. 'McGonagall's going to go nuts.'
'No, she won't,' James amended, the corners of his lips curling into a smirk. 'She'll go all quiet and do that lemon-faced thing she does when someone's in real trouble.' James pursed his lips in imitation, so tightly they went white, and crossed his eyes for added effect.
'Very funny,' Sirius said darkly as James started laughing.
'I thought so. Still, I wouldn't want to be you.'
Great, Sirius thought, just perfect. Detention with McGonagall was enough to suck the joy out of life for months afterwards, and he should know. He didn't bother trying to rush and get it done in time (that is, by copying James'). It was useless, considering Transfiguration was their first class.
'What now?' James said suddenly, and the graveness of his voice was such a change in tone that it brought Sirius back from thoughts of his own personal doom.
James and Peter were both staring at Remus, waiting for him to respond. Remus, however, seemed to be absorbed in whatever article he was reading. He looked decidedly pale and he didn't seem to have heard the question at all.
'Remus?' When finally he got Remus' attention, James looked pointedly at the newspaper. 'I said what is it now? Has there been another Death Eater attack, or is You Know Who '
'Oh, no, nothing like that.' Remus shut the paper and folded it in half.
'Then what?'
Remus didn't answer, instead getting to his feet and stuffing the paper into his rucksack. 'We'd better go. It's time for class.'
'What?! We've still got ten minutes,' Peter observed, but he, too, got to his feet when James and Sirius did.
They made to follow Remus out of the Great Hall, but, with a hand across Sirius' chest, James slowed until he was out of sight and out of earshot.
Wondering what on earth he was up to, Sirius watched bemusedly as James cast a searching glance up and down the length of the Gryffindor table, and when nothing came of that, over to the Ravenclaw table. Here, James strode over to a young girl engrossed in the newspaper.
'Can I borrow this? Thanks,' he said all in one breath and snatched it from under her nose.
'Hey, I was reading that!'
Sirius and Peter looked on from either side as James quickly turned each page, looking for anything that might have caused such a reaction in Remus.
'Wait, go back!' Sirius said suddenly. When James turned to the previous page, he pointed out what had caught his eye. 'There at the bottom.'
Werewolves sighted near Hogsmeade, the three of them read and looked at each other knowingly.
