Disclaimer: I don't own Dudley, or any characters mentioned. I also don't own the refereances to moments in the books. Infact, I don't own anything!

Thoughts of an Obese Pig

My parents had always told me my cousin was a freak. The moment I was old enough to think for myself I could see they were right. How can a kid manage to get on the roof? Or turn a teacher's wig blue? Or even weirder, talk to snakes? That's my cousin, Harry Potter, nutter if I ever met one.

Of course his being a… well… one of them probably explains it. No, I will not bring myself to say that word. The moment I found about him being one that faithful morning in that accursed hut, I knew he'd turn out to be a no-good hooligan as my Math Teacher used to say. Only thing I ever learned in that class, her odd sayings and such…

Then he went off to that school to learn his sort's stuff. He came back that summer and made a cake fly on to Mrs. Mason's head! What a waste of a delicious cake! Glad Dad put him in his room for that. This by the way happened to used be my second-bedroom, I needed, and still do, that bedroom! Stupid bugger…

Though I wouldn't really want to complain about that, now that he's gone off to his freak school, I've got the house all to myself when I'm not away at Smelting's, no freaks there to ruin it.

Unfortunately he's got to come home (no not "home" this will never be his home if I have anything to say!) for the summer. But usually one of his freaky friends take him away, or he runs off, as he did after blowing up Aunt Marge. Idiot, she just mentioned his parents being no good. Quite true from what I've heard which isn't much.

Another thing about my annoying, bothersome, no-good, freaky, cousin, his bloody friends! Huge prats, all of them. Well I've only met three of them, those twins and the other boy. But one of those freaky twins practically gave me a candy, which turned my tongue blue and huge! I was choking on it, and then their father, another freak, pulled out his thing saying he could fix it! Well thank god Mum was sensible and said no, I didn't want him using his freaky stuff on me! Not after what that giant did to me. He did though, pointed his thing and said something, though my tongue went back to normal.

Don't even get me started on their way of "mail" though. I mean a bloody feathered bird? What hell is with that! Not to mention they swoop in and out as if they own the place! If Harry's not welcome here, why would his feathered friends be? Stupid birds.

Finally the thing that irks me most about my cousins, those Dementoids or what ever that attacked him and me! They were the worst things ever possible, even though I couldn't see them, I felt their horrifying presence. He may have saved me, but had he not been there in the first place it wouldn't have happened!

True My cousin Harry is a freak, annoying, and my parents hate him, but really deep down I have this feeling that I don't hate him as much as I let on. Odd…