Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

-Victor Kiam


The thing you need to know is; it's all about sex. Well at least it used to be before Justin came along and I was introduced to this fucking distasteful emotion referred to as jealousy. So when that god-damn stud strutted into Woody's and Justin's eyes bugged out of his head and he gave me all the cocky, "Wanna bet?" bullshit; I was pretty sure things were going to get out of control. But not like this. Old Brian wouldn't have cared a god-damn bit; he would have fucked him in the bathroom and left Justin hanging or hell I might have fucked him with Justin in the bathroom. What the fuck happened to old Brian? That's what I would like to know.

Now I'm going to buy condoms again. Condoms! Because that fucking twink didn't have any. Well, that's not really fair since I insisted we go back to our prior open arrangement and not talk about it but, fuck, I did go to college and we had four left the last time I was visiting his New York shithole of a studio apartment; and now zilch. So that means, after all the fucking drama of getting me to stop tricking and I'm the god-damn choir boy and he's the whore of Brooklyn. Well, fuck, I mean, that's not fair either. God I miss my old self. I think Cynthia's slipping me hormones in my coffee. Why am I so god-damn emotional? So I'm buying condoms again, big deal, get a grip Kinney.

On the way back to Justin's place my mind keeps working over all that's happened; with Aiden, with Evan, with his internship. I should just tell him that I haven't been tricking at all. Fuck, it will probably make him happy. Well unless it makes him feel guilty for fucking; which he shouldn't of course because this is what was supposed to have happened when I threw the bet. Well maybe not threw, but definitely didn't put up a tough fight, not like I could have. Justin was supposed to get six months of Saint Brian and then realize that Saint Brian wasn't nearly as much fun as real Brian and things would go back to fucking normal. Then the fucking Poconos happened and Justin wanted to fuck in the rain. God, the rain! What the hell was in that rain anyways? Some kind of pollution masquerading as truth serum because after that it was bubble baths and romantic dinners and I'm half way to eating pussy, I'm so lesbianic.

I enter his small little 400 square feet studio and he kisses me, only I'm not kissing him back because well, fuck if I know, because I'm hurt or mad or confused or pissed. Damn hormones, I swear I will fire her ass when I get back to Pittsburgh. Only Justin looks so innocent, even though he ran out of condoms, not me. I don't even carry them anymore.

"I'm sorry I forgot about the condoms" he apologizes. He speaks in that low whispery voice. The one he uses when he's talking me off the ledge about something.

"We had some left after my last visit" I remind him.

"I know" he admits.

So he knows that I know but he says nothing. Fine I can play this game too. "You ran out though and you're not carrying any with you" I say.

"I know that too" he responds.

Really? You're gonna make me ask you; I won't. I still have some pride. I'll ask only so I know you were safe. As if there is any doubt but still, I'm not giving you the satisfaction to know this is killing me. Only I can feel my cheeks wet with tears. Fuck, this is bad.

"I want you safe. I need you around for a long time." I say.

"I am Brian, always" he clarifies while wiping his tears, "I just ran out and I forgot to replace them, that's all, I swear"

God, he's beautiful. No more talking before I say something I regret. I get up and grab the bag, open the box, and take one condom and set it aside, then I take another and place it back in his wallet and throw the rest of the package into the drawer. Only when I go to fuck him and this gnarling, burning feeling in my gut away, I can't. Well, I can, I mean, I'm hard as a rock, but I just want to kiss him first and stare in his eyes and when I'm inside him, I go slow like I'm learning his body all over again. Which I am, I'm memorizing it with every stroke. It's intense and when he comes I feel better; like he's mine again.

He caresses my back as we lie face to face and we can't stop looking at each other. I know he feels guilty and that he knows I stayed monogamous and he didn't. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.

"Not really" I admit.

"Can I ask you something?" he whispers. God, here it comes, he wants to know for sure.

I nod, "Yeah, of course"

"You didn't have a condom in your wallet either. Does that mean something?" he asks barely able to keep eye contact.

What do I tell him? Not the truth, it would be too weird.

"It means I thought you would have them so I didn't think to bring them" I smile, kissing his forehead.

"So you don't carry one just in case?" He asks.

God, just drop it already. You're not ready for the truth angel. "No" I answer "Not usually, not anymore"

"So you're still…." he starts but I can't let him know. I can see in his eyes just how much it would hurt him. There's no reason for him to know.

I sigh and kiss him, "I haven't been a saint either" I lie and he finally lets go of the breath he's been holding. I can see the relief in his sweet face. I stroke his face with my finger. It will be all right; I can tell in his expression, he's still mine.

"So, what now?" he trembles a little under my touch.

"Now we continue to do exactly what we want to do. We enjoy being with each other. We make no excuses. We have no regrets. And in two weeks when you're back in our bed, we decide together what feels right to both of us."

"Brian, do you think I can get an appointment with Dr. Kline for that antigen test for the week I get back?"

I know I'm grinning from ear to ear but I don't care. He's already had enough and is ready to come back to me. "Yeah Sunshine, I already have an appointment for that week, so I bet we can do that"

"Brian, you said bet" he giggles at my use of a word I had forbidden us from using ever again.

I smile at him and we privately enjoy our favorite inside joke.

"I love you" he whispers, "I love you so much"

"Yeah, I know that" I respond, stroking his cheek, "I love you too"

More than I ever thought possible.