Summary: "But killing a man from the surface... that's how you separate the men from the boys." Levi is eight years old. He has one task: travel to the surface and kill a boy named Erwin Smith.
Contains a few manga spoilers, but really nothing too big and nothing past chapter 73. Read at your own risk.
Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack On Titan. The title comes from the song Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins. This isn't a songfic, but I did listen to both Animal by Racing Glaciers and The Civil Wars' cover of Disarm a lot while writing this. If you'd like, give them a listen while you read. :)
Enjoy!
disarm you with a smile
It's kill or be killed. No time to think, to regret, to yell or cry or feel. Disarm your opponent and strike. Sink the knife into their skin. It's all they have underground. What they're made of. It's all there is to hold onto.
That's why Levi follows Kenny through the sewer that night.
They're headed to the city. To the surface. To the kill.
'All there is to life is death... that's the only truth there is.'
Underground, killing is a necessity. But the instinct to survive is not just an instinct: it's a game. Brutality gives way to calculation. This systematic approach to slaughter fits neatly into Levi's dulled consciousness, dulled eyes, dulled heart.
Levi has known it since before he could even walk. Before Kenny ever handed him a knife - ordered him at five years old to kill another boy. Since then, it's been three more years of the same.
At least, that's how long Levi assumes it's been. Time doesn't pass quite the same when you live your life in darkness.
The sewer is wide enough to travel single file, with rounded and uneven walls, like a cavern. There's very little light. Never any semblance of sky underground.
God knows what drips from the ceiling. Just looking at the grime makes Levi's skin crawl. It's several times filthier than the dirt he already lives in. His boots squelch with each step through the greenish muck, and he wishes he could block up his ears, banish the hungry, wailing sound from his mind.
He looks down to avoid stepping in a large puddle. He preoccupies himself with disgust so that he can ignore his right hand, in which he carries a knife. He's scrubbed it down endless times. He's wasted money, that should've gone to food, on some soap to clean the damn thing - but there are still blood stains. He can't help but trace his thumb over each faint, jagged line.
Bile rises in Levi's throat as his hand grips harder into the knife. He forces the bile back down, glues his eyes to Kenny's feet ahead of him.
Distraction is necessary in the underground, too.
The sound of boots thudding on uneven concrete creates an abrasive echo in the tunnel. Really, the echo is so loud that Levi wonders how they haven't been caught yet. Trying to get to the surface without proper authorization - not to mention payment - is punishable by death. But that's never stopped Kenny.
'I've been up there, Levi. It's nothing to write home about, like you think it is. Even the sky isn't much. Listen to me, it's no better than down here... but it's what that place can give you. Anyone can kill someone who's already halfway to their grave, living in their own piss. But killing a man from the surface... that's how you separate the men from the boys.'
That's the first thing Kenny ever taught him. And with every robbery, every kill that's not enough, that still makes him feel worthless and numb... Levi thinks he's starting to understand what that means.
A rite of passage. Disarm, sink the knife into their skin, prove yourself-
"Huh," Kenny says, a little louder than he needs to. "It's like they all were asleep when they designed this shit. They only have the main entrance guarded." He peers over his shoulder at Levi and gives a crooked grin. "It's like they want us taking trips, yeah?"
"Are we close?" Levi asks, wiping ruddy sweat from his face.
"Yeah. Not long. Just gotta find that marker..."
Kenny stops walking. Levi sees his eyes narrow, like a hawk swooping in on its prey. "Ah, here we go." There's a thick X painted on the side of the sewer. No doubt that one of Kenny's contacts from the surface left it there. Kenny starts feeling up and down along the walls, searching. Mud clumps on his hands and arms, the edges of his sleeves. Levi holds back a retch.
Eventually, Kenny stops, and then he lets out a low, rumbling chuckle.
"I can almost see the light, Levi," he barks, hungry, as he wipes some mud away from the side of the tunnel, and then unhinges the opening of a manhole.
They won't really see the light. Even Kenny isn't reckless enough to journey to the surface in broad daylight. Besides, their work is never meant for the daylight.
Only when Kenny beckons him over does Levi reluctantly approach the man hole. It looks like it's barely wide enough for crawling, and the last thing he wants to do is lie on his stomach in that filth. Crawl around in the shadows, in the dirt, like he should be hiding. But that's yet another necessity of his life.
'Always keep your head down. Don't let them see your face. See what ya are, Levi. They'll say you're a piece of trash... hell, maybe ya are. And that's how they take ya down.'
"Ya know what you're doing?" Kenny looks down at him.
Levi's hair falls into his eyes. He hides behind it. Like he's been trained to do. "Yeah."
"That's what I thought." Kenny laces his fingers together and boosts Levi up, headfirst into the manhole. "Remember, gray house. The first one to the right when you get up there. Find the kid, get it done, and don't fuck around." His voice already sounds more distant to Levi, whose own breathing is almost deafening in the tunnel.
"Fine," Levi says, crawling forward on his hands and knees. Claustrophobia pushes in on him, claws at his ribs.
"And don't bother coming back if ya can't get the job done."
Levi breathes through his mouth. No way is he about to let that rancid air invade his lungs. Maybe it's the desire to stop crawling around in piss, or the desire to crawl away from Kenny, but Levi makes good time. Before he knows it, he's poking his head out the other side of the manhole.
Levi's eyes are bleary and take a second to readjust - it's been so long since he's seen something that wasn't dirt, or death, or a fist, or red oozing pouring dripping off his knife-
He's never been to the surface before. A part of him doesn't want to get out, walk on the ground with his own two feet... he imagines someone finding him, taking his weapon. Shoving him back down to where he came from.
But never mind that. There's work to be done.
'It's a game - and all we can do is make sure we win, Levi. Ya gotta come out on top - and I can teach ya how. Down here, that's what ya gotta do. Or they'll tear ya apart.'
As he climbs out, he lets himself take a deeper breath than he's used to. The air is crisp and warm, and Levi is surprised when he doesn't choke on it. The night is pitch black, the darkness reprieved only by street lamps on every block. Mud clings to his white shirt, but he tries to get the sewer muck off his boots, kicking his feet through the grass. He doesn't bother replacing the manhole's cover; he'll be headed back down soon enough.
He forces himself to not glance up at the starry night sky. It's fleeting - he can't hold on to it, even touch it. It's not worth it to look.
The glint of a street lamp catches on his knife, painting gold and red shadows on the road. He squints at the rows of houses in front of and behind him, searching for his prey like he's seen Kenny do, knees bent, hands ready. It doesn't take him long to spot the gray house.
That's the place. A pit grows larger in Levi's stomach. He's not sure what it means, so he lets it boil and turn itself over and over. Urging him on.
The house is plain and unassuming on the outside. Two stories high - but there's a tree in the backyard, so it won't be difficult for Levi to climb up there. There's a white-picket fence, although the paint is thoroughly chipped in some places. A picnic table in the front yard. Nothing special... then again, Kenny says that they have a good stash of money and rare cargo.
Of course, that's not why Levi is here.
He sees the two windows at the front of the house, second story. Both with lights out. A grin forms at the corner of his mouth. His nostrils flare. He decides to sneak through one of those - the fucking family might not have even locked them.
He makes his way to the backyard, keeping his head down, weaving in and out of the shadows like he's one of them. He digs his knife into the side of the tree and begins to pull himself up its length. The red on the knife isn't so apparent now that chipped wood and traces of brown sap take its place. Levi can't stop himself from feeling grateful.
He quickly reaches the second story ledge, and he makes easy work of inching from the back of the house to the closest front window. He rolls his eyes when he realizes that the window slides open gently. Not even a creak as he hauls it up.
As Levi creeps through the window, the name plate on the house's mailbox catches his eye. Simple enough for even him to decipher. He scoffs... he shouldn't even be able to see the word from this far away, in this little light. He grits his teeth.
Nevertheless, the word SMITH in large, bold letters makes his stomach seize up as he swoops into the room, like a bird of prey.
'Why this one?' Levi asks.
'It's an easy job - easy enough for you, anyway, kid. Just a mother and son.'
Levi glares up at him. 'I don't need you giving me easy shit. Like I'm some weakling.'
'Calm down, short stuff, that's not all I'm thinking. This family... they've already had a few accidents. With people like that, another son gone isn't going to make waves. If ya catch my drift.' Kenny's lip curls into a smirk. 'Ya know why you've gotta do this, don't ya?'
Levi looks away, his eyes clouded. 'To survive,' he mutters.
Kenny shoves the knife into Levi's hand, a hand that's too small to be so battered and bloodied up.
'They're dogs up there, just like us, Levi. Ya gotta put 'em down the same way. Kill 'em before they... before they get to ya. Before it's too late. Don't forget that.'
Levi touches down in the room like a panther. He brings the knife up, eyes narrowed, heart beat steady. He's headed towards the bed before he even knows where he is, he's ready to strike-
And then he stumbles. Stumbles over a stack of fucking books, which is shocking enough to stop his plan in its tracks.
Stumbling... stumbling. Not in three years. Not when Kenny gives him something this important to do. Not when he's finally above ground, ready to prove himself, slit someone's throat. Levi isn't a boy who stumbles.
But the other boy's not supposed to be awake.
Panic crawls up Levi's neck, rooting him to the ground where he's fallen. He doesn't understand... the boy should be asleep. He's supposed to be asleep, they're always asleep. That's the only way to get the job done.
And yet, there he is, a small lantern by his bed, casting light onto his blond hair, his face - Levi avoids looking at his eyes, he just can't. There's a book in his hand. It's brown and dusty, with a cracked spine, but Levi thinks it must be nicer than anything they have underground.
Levi focuses on these little details. The bed that's plain but warm-looking. The bookshelves that line the bedroom walls, holding secrets. The desk that's almost neat. The latched bedroom door. He pays far too much attention to book titles that he can barely read; maybe it's so he can avoid standing up. And could he stand up if he tried? He looks at their nice house, their privileged, easy life... he tries to internalize it, cling to some sort of bitterness.
But he can't lift his knife. Can't lift his eyes to look up at the boy.
"Are you alright?"
The boy's voice.
It's surprisingly strong, even at a whisper. Warm. Levi blinks, ducking his head. The boy shouldn't be this calm when faced with an intruder. That's not how this works... who they are. It's unnerving to him.
A few seconds go by in tense silence. Then the boy speaks again.
"Do you live around here?" he asks, stepping down from his bed and grabbing something off the bedside table. Levi watches his approaching frame in his periphery, never lifting his head enough to get a good look. His heart pounds in his ears.
The boy can't be more than a few years older than Levi - maybe twelve. And yet, already built like a soldier. Levi seethes in frustration, teeth grating. He should've overpowered him as soon as he came in the window, when he had the chance. Now he'll have to rely on somehow tricking him - catching him off-guard.
Levi hears the tentative footsteps stop, and before he knows it the boy is kneeling down at his shoulder. Levi watches him through strands of black hair, eyes narrowed. He catches sight of a strong jawline... and a little further up, a gentle smile.
"I've never seen you playing outside in the neighborhood before," the boy says earnestly, voice taunt with curiosity. "But your shirt looks like you've certainly been outside tonight." He chuckles softly. It creeps Levi out. No one should act this nonchalant about a random kid breaking into their home in the middle of the night.
He wonders if the boy has noticed his knife yet.
"Here," the boy says after another moment. "You can use this to clean up a bit, if you'd like." He lays a piece of white, ruffled cloth down in front of Levi, whose breath is stuck in his windpipe for a moment... who's never seen something so clean in his life. Things are going fuzzy in his mind, and he's losing track of why exactly he's in this house on the surface. He hesitantly reaches out, then snatches it with his left hand, bringing it close to his chest.
The boy chuckles again. He radiates warmth. Levi thinks of his mother, the same light she had about her.
And he smells like... books. Dusty, open books. Not like the underground, like mud, and dirt, and blood. Levi sweats, bites down on his tongue.
'Kill 'em before... '
"I'm Erwin. What's your name?" He puts a hand on Levi's shoulder-
'... before they get to ya.'
And that's when Levi remembers why he's there.
A snarl escapes his throat, but he moves like a cat. With one swift motion, he shoves Erwin against the side of the bed, covering his mouth with the white cloth, trapping any cries for help that could've escaped. Erwin's book flies out of his hand, and several pages tear out of their binding as it hits the floor. He struggles beneath Levi, almost enough to dislodge the attack - but he's clearly out of his depth. He's not trained to kill like Levi is.
Blood pounds behind Levi's temples, his eyes. His teeth clench with the force of the attack. He has his prey cornered, right where he wants them. He finally is able to look Erwin square in the face, for less than a second. And his face, oddly enough, is not etched with terror - more than that, his thick brow is creased in confusion... betrayal.
Levi raises his knife before he can give it a second thought. For the first time, in the final second before the kill, he sees Erwin's eyes. Wide with fear... wide, and bright and blue-
'-even the sky isn't much-'
Blue, a knife, red, oozing-
'-listen to me-'
-fight, his blond hair, run, blue-
'-it's no better than down here-'
-fight, kill kill and blood-
Levi's eyes widen. Blue meets shattered gray.
And Erwin's eyes are blue like the sky.
It's like a train screeches to a halt.
Levi's hands tremble. Is it that he can't do it, or that he won't? He's paralyzed. Deep in his gut, it's like a tidal wive unleashes. A volcano erupts. A beast awakens.
And his knife clatters to the ground.
'-to survive-'
As soon as Levi's knife slides off into the shadows, Erwin pushes him off roughly, gasping. Levi collides with the closet door, then crashes back to the ground. His head thuds against the wood floor, but he's almost completely numb to the hit. A fist or the floor - it makes no difference.
No lights come on. No one rushes down the hallway. The house is silent once more.
Levi gets up to sit on his knees, catching his breath. Erwin eyes Levi, not moving from against the bed. He pulls the white cloth away from his face, trying to bring air back to his lungs. He looks at it in his hand, and Levi wants to know what the fuck he sees. Why he hasn't done anything yet, fought back.
Levi's shoulders tense up as he realizes that Erwin is standing now, approaching him once more. He stumbles away from Erwin in a panic, still on his knees, not sure where he's even headed in this tiny room. But he knows it's no use. His knife is God knows where, and it's too dark to find it. Maybe he can get a kick in before Erwin goes after him, pin him down, finish the job with his bare hands-
'-or they'll tear ya apart-'
And then Erwin tosses the white cloth down in front of Levi.
"Go ahead and keep it," he says, and his voice is... still gentle. Somehow, against all odds, for some idiotic reason. "I don't know, maybe you could wear it. My father used to call it a cravat. He said men of high standing wear them."
"You think I'm a man of high standing?" Levi sneers.
Erwin shrugs, eyes focused and clear. "My father said I'm good at reading people."
Levi stares down at the cloth in disbelief. His eyes dart across each end of the room, waiting for someone to come out of the shadows, stop him, kill him.
His eyes focus onto Erwin's bare feet, and something makes him slowly pick up the cravat, running the ruffles through his fingers one by one... it's so soft. Possibly silk. He attempts to tie it around his neck, but he can't seem to get the damn thing right. It figures. Kenny taught him how to kill, stab, kill. Not how to tie cravats, or do any fucking normal thing.
"Here, do it like this."
Levi freezes as Erwin bends down and ties the cravat for him; every few moments, Erwin's hand brushes against his neck. Another gentle touch on his shoulder once he's finished. Every nerve in Levi's body is pulsing, telling him to run, fight, get out. And yet... something stronger, that he's never felt before, keeps him right where he is. Kneeling in front of Erwin, like that's where he belongs.
If Levi believed in magic, that's what he might call it.
Erwin tilts his head to the side, giving his work an appraising look. "There, that's right," he says.
Levi dares to raise his head, but he knows he can't meet Erwin's eyes again. He settles on his mouth, that isn't quite smiling, but isn't frowning either.
"Thanks." Levi stops, thinking. He's not sure if he's ever said that to anyone before. He's also not sure why Erwin still hasn't done anything about the intruder in his bedroom. At any moment he could call the Military Police, send Levi straight to the dungeons - or worse, back underground.
But somehow, deep in his gut, Levi knows that Erwin won't do it. And he doesn't know what to think of that.
Levi's train of thought is jarred out of place when Erwin moves away, shifts closer to the bed and picks up a book - the one he was reading before Levi showed up. Levi winces at the torn pages, the now-ragged spine from being thrown to the floor. He doesn't give a shit about the book, but something in the way Erwin picks it up, with such care... it's sad.
"Would you like to see?"
Levi looks up. And there's Erwin's face again, assaulting and earnest. His eyes carry glimpses of the sky.
Levi drops his head. "Doubt I'd be able to read the words," he snaps.
But then Erwin is at his side again, juggling the book and a dozen torn out, withering pages. "It's okay, I'll tell you what it says. And there are pictures, too." Levi follows Erwin's eyes. There's a rough sketch that's tinted blue and green. Levi can't read the description underneath the drawing.
His eyes flicker over to Erwin's face, which is hungry and excited as he flips through the pages. Erwin points out the various pictures of strange animals, different flowers, weapons. He explains them, and Levi feels himself being pulled in - just a little bit. Still, he thinks that watching Erwin read it is the most interesting thing of all.
"This is what it's supposed to look like," Erwin whispers. "Beyond the wall, I mean. My father gave this book to me. He told me that this is what it's like out there. The royal family doesn't want us to know, cause they'd have nothing if we all up and left. So they try to scare us away from ever exploring, from going outside the walls."
"Is that the wall?" Levi asks, pointing at a towering portion of the sketch that's dull brown. He's never seen the wall himself, but even underground they know about it. Feel its power over them.
"Mhm." Erwin frowns. "That's an odd question... have you not ever seen the wall?"
"Guess I have other things to worry about," Levi says, his own walls shooting back up.
Erwin goes silent for a moment. Levi feels his gaze on his neck. His ears burn, and he fidgets with his cravat.
"I'm going to get out of here," Erwin says eventually. His voice is excited, but there's a cruel, ruthless tone buried within it. It sends chills up Levi's spine. "Someday. I just want to know... what it's all for."
"How're you going to do that?"
"I'd like to join the Survey Corpse. They're the ones who actually get to leave the walls." As if Levi hasn't already heard the mutterings about those idiots, even underground. Waste of public funding, suicidal maniacs... nothing noble about that. But something in Erwin's voice keeps him listening... and there's that tidal wave, the volcano, the beast inside him.
"They can fly even, as far as the sky." Erwin looks up, like he can see it... he even makes Levi feel like he can see it too, if only for a moment. "I've seen drawings, and heard the stories." Erwin looks down, eyes turning both warmer and colder at the same time. His voice is heavier when he speaks again. "I'll be there with them when they find the truth. No matter what it takes."
Levi gnaws at his bottom lip, eyes downcast, mind racing. "Why do you care so much?"
Erwin shrugs. There's a sad smile on his face. "They took my father away. Because of his theories, about the history of the walls, the world... the titans." He runs his thumb over the corner of the page. "I don't want it to have been for nothing."
Levi picks at his fingernails, oddly annoyed. He's never wanted anything to do with titans before... but now, there's suddenly a face on that struggle. And something makes him feel the urge to fight them himself, kill them all. Always the kill, always a killer... would that ever be worth it? The truth. What is truth, anyway?
'-all there is to life is death-'
Those words don't make as much sense anymore.
He doesn't understand what's happening. What any of this is. And he doesn't know what to say, so he reluctantly settles on, "Levi."
"What?"
'-always keep your head down-'
"My name," he mutters. A flush crawls up his neck. "My name is Levi."
Erwin beams. Levi scowls, but he can't help but think that it was worth it. To tell someone his name... to tell him.
'-don't let them see your face-'
"What about your parents?" Erwin closes the book and turns to face Levi. Maybe he means it as a friendly gesture, but Levi leans away.
"There's nothing to talk about."
Erwin doesn't speak for a moment. Levi feels himself being studied, being pinned down... and maybe it isn't so bad. Being known.
'-see what ya are, Levi-'
"You don't have to say anything, then," Erwin replies. He runs a hand through his hair, laughing nervously. "Maybe it's silly, but when you came in here... even holding a knife against my throat, I could tell... I think we're the same."
Levi scoffs. "You can't say that to someone you just met."
"Whatever you say, Levi." There's that stupid smile of Erwin's again.
In the quiet of the night, Levi wonders what Erwin sees. What he can see that Levi has never been able to find.
He wonders if some rat from the underground like him...
'-a piece of trash-'
... could ever see the same kind of thing.
Levi stays for longer than he should. They mostly sit in silence. Something about it feels right. They shouldn't be so at ease - not when Levi came here to end Erwin's life, held a knife to his throat. Their shoulders are still rigid with tension, but they're able to live with that.
It's involuntary. They breathe in and out.
Panic lashes at Levi's skin as he chances a glance through the open window. He sees gold light starting to break through the dark shadows. Shit. Kenny has probably been waiting for him. He'll have to make up an excuse for why he took so long - the kid put up a fight, the house was hard to find, too much blood to cover up-
Levi doesn't understand why it's so difficult for him to stand. His legs feel strong, belligerent - nevertheless, he's weighed down in place.
'-they're dogs up there, just like us-'
"Go to sleep before I leave." Levi puts a hand to that back of his neck, out of awkwardness or out of panic - he's not sure which. "I don't want you having second thoughts in the morning, and then sending the dogs straight to my front door."
"Alright."
Levi doesn't know why exactly Erwin listens to him, nods and walks right back to his bed. Levi would never believe a single word from an assassin, an animal. But Erwin doles out that trust as easy as breathing.
'-ya gotta put 'em down the same way-'
"Hey," Levi says, voice more vulnerable than he intended. "Why do you... why aren't you scared?"
Erwin replaces his book on the nightstand, then looks back at Levi. He looks so open, fearless.
"Should I be scared?"
'-ya know why you've gotta do this, don't ya?'
"No," Levi finally says. His voice is small... confused. Maybe Erwin already knows what's going to happen. Knows he's not in danger, knows that Levi won't attack - before Levi even realizes that himself. Two steps ahead... damn him.
Erwin lays down. "You don't live around here, do you?" he asks.
Levi shakes his head. "Nowhere close by."
Erwin seems to struggle to find the words. "Well, who knows? Maybe we'll meet again, Levi. Maybe outside the walls, even." Clouds storm in his irises, his eyes almost sad as they close.
Levi watches him.
"Maybe, Erwin."
His blood starts rushing. He still could do it, still kill him. Just do it.
It's the kill that matters. It's always the kill.
Is it, though?
'-it's what that place can give you-'
Kenny will know if he doesn't do it. Find out somehow. He always knows.
'-that's how you separate the men from the boys-'
Levi feels his pulse on the back of his teeth, swallows the overwhelming feeling. It battles with the tidal wave, the volcano, the beast - both his enemies and his friends. All inside of him, churning and waging a war. Like he's standing on a cliff, debating which side to jump from. Which side to fall from.
Levi looks down as Erwin's breathing slows... feels himself being disarmed. He studies the curve of his jaw. The face that looks much too old, too exhausted, to belong to someone so young.
They're alike in that way, Levi thinks.
'Kill 'em before they...'
He picks up his knife from the corner of the room, blade as sharp as ever, his knuckles going white as he grips it.
'...before they get to ya.'
And he ducks out of the window.
Erwin is out of his bed as soon as he hears his window slide shut. He runs to the window, peering out, trying to get one last look.
The sun is just beginning to rise, and pink intersects blue. He sees Levi maneuvering across the roof like a cat, skidding down the trees and then melting into shadows, never to be seen again. His clothes seemed ragged and his face hard as rock in the confines of Erwin's room... but out here, in the open air, he moves like the wind.
Erwin has never seen someone who could fly without wings. And yet, there's his proof that it's possible. He wonders if anyone else ever noticed this about Levi. Perhaps not; most people would never think to look close enough.
"Those wings are more real than any I've ever seen, Levi," he whispers into the darkness, an awed smile spreading across his face. "One of these days, I'llsee you fly again... we'll fly together."
'All there is to life is death...'
As Levi crawls back into the manhole, he stops and lifts his head up.
He looks at the sky. Concentrates on it, for the first time. Fights, kicks, screams within himself.
'... that's the only truth there is.'
The sky is blue. The same shade as Erwin's eyes.
End
A/N: Wow, it's been quite awhile. Life is crazy, etc. But it feels SO GOOD to get back to writing. Also, these past few months, I accidentally let SNK and Eruri completely take over my life - which is how this fic came about, haha. I hope y'all enjoy my take on these fascinating dudes.
Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought. Love you guys! 3
