On Mercury

Summary: Two best friends, Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto, have recently moved into Konoha University for their college years. However, this year will have more to meet the eye than just classes, especially because of the two girls in the dorm across from them.

Genre: Romance/Humor

Disclaimer: Still don't own. I do own this delightfully stupid, cliché and cheesy story, however.

Disclaimer 2: THIS IS AN AU FIC, THIS IS AN AU FIC, THIS IS AN AU FIC…

Oh, if you're wondering about the pairings, here's a list:

Major

Sasuke x Sakura

Naruto x Hinata

Minor

Neji x Tenten

Shikamaru x Temari

Chouji x Ino

Asuma x Kurenai

Jiraiya x Tsunade

By aBoOm-Un

Chaos.

That's what it was.

Complete and utter chaos.

Well, who could blame them, actually?

It was the first year of college for many new students. Two however, were of extreme interest.

Uchiha Sasuke. The genius of his family; well, right after his older brother, Itachi. Long, ebony hair, with a duck's ass for the back. Dark, onyx eyes.

And nice, tight buns.

Uzumaki Naruto. The crazy, hyperactive one. A definite prankster. Artistic, as well. Spiked, blonde hair, that is reasonably long, and fell over his ears. Bright blue eyes.

Also with nice, tight buns.

These two were best friends, and together they were entering the best years of their life. Why are they the best years?

Because they can booze, and get girls pregnant without looking like a player. Idiot.

Why was it chaos?

Already, two people had gotten into a fight. There were two guys walking into the Campus when a dude from the side called one of them fat. Thus, it just kinda escalated from there.

Into an all-out brawl.

"I'm NOT fat!!" One of them yelled, throwing a wild punch at one of the young men. It landed square on his jaw, and he went sprawling to the ground. His lip began to bleed, and the dude gave the young man a murderous look.

"You're going DOWN, fatty."

He jumped to his feet and attempted to punch the man, but the fat one's friend stepped in the way, and delivered a square kick into his nards.

It was over.

"You cocky bastard!" The dude screamed, holding his nuts in pain, as he glared up at the two. "You're gonna go DOWN this term, fatty, nerd. Just you wait." Two of his friends lifted him to his feet, and carried him off. Sasuke and Naruto walked over to the two men, who were straightening up.

"That was one helluva fight, guys. You ok?" Naruto said, his blue eyes narrowed slightly, as if they were going to jump him or something.

The one classified as 'Nerd' smiled at him. "We're fine. They're just troublesome."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at him. "Who are you guys, anyway?"

'Nerd' opened his eyes in surprise. "Oh. I'm Nara Shikamaru, and this is Akimichi Chouji." He gestured over to 'Fatty', who had opened up a bag of potato chips. He nodded at them, and shoveled some chips down his throat.

Shikamaru grimaced and whispered, "He hates it when people call him fat."

"Maybe he should cut down on the chips, then." Naruto joked, punching Shikamaru on the arm. "You know what I'm saying, eh? Eh?!"

Shikamaru's eyes widened. Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Shikamaru placed his hand over his eyes, and muttered, "He heard."

"What?"

"He heard."

Sasuke's eyes widened.

"Oh hell."

"Run…" Shikamaru muttered, his hand still over his eyes.

Naruto gritted his teeth. "WHAT is going o-"

He never got to finish. Chouji had begun to run after him, fist raised.

"I'm. NOT. Fat!!!"

"Arrrggghhh!"

Sasuke buried his face in his hands. Already Naruto had screwed up, and it wasn't even first term yet…

Naruto winced slightly as he held the icepack up to his head. Sasuke rolled his eyes at his friend, as Shikamaru sighed. Chouji had calmed down and helped out Naruto after he pounded him to a pulp, so thus, everything was back to normal between them again.

Well, Naruto had learnt his lesson to never, EVER call Chouji fat again.

Chouji kissed his knuckles, then looked over at Naruto and smiled at him. Naruto weakly smiled back, before slumping down in his chair, icepack in his lap.

Sasuke shook his head. Why was this idiot his friend, again?

Not long after, one of the professors walked up to the podium. Strangely enough, he had grey hair, and wore a mask. He was carrying a small orange book around.

..! Wait a moment… Isn't that book that porn book? Icha Icha Paradise? Sasuke thought to himself, frowning at the man. Damn, he could already tell this was going to be the freakiest 4 years of his life.

The man put the book away, and coughed twice. The babble in the auditorium instantly died away, and he then began to talk into the microphone.

"Erm, yes. I'm Hatake Kakashi, Professor of Science. Welcome to a new year of College, those who have been before, and those who haven't…Yeah."

Sasuke and Shikamaru both sweatdropped. If this was their SCIENCE professor, God knows what the rest would be like.

Kakashi sighed, and opened up his book again. "I take it you all know where your classes are, since you came to the Transition Day. If you didn't, tough luck."

Sasuke frowned. Shouldn't they show us around anyway? I've got no idea where to go.

"Yeah, that's it. Classes will start tomorrow. Until then, I'll give you your dorm keys and room number."

He pulled out a large sheet of names. "Room 1. Midori Setsuna, Suikou Kagura."

Two young girls stood up, and walked down to where Kakashi stood. Kakashi handed them some keys, and the two walked off.

"Room 232; Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto."

Sasuke's ears perked up. It was about bloody time their names were called. He gave Naruto a shove, and his best friend rose from his seat, and the two left the isle. He walked over to Kakashi, and he slipped them a set of keys.

"Don't lose them." He murmured, giving Sasuke a pat on the back. Sasuke raised an eyebrow, but then nodded.

"Alright."

He grabbed the back of Naruto's shirt, and pulled him along back to their seats.

"Room 233; Haruno Sakura, Hyuuga Hinata."

Two young girls walked down towards Kakashi. These two girls caught the pair's eye, for all the wrong reasons.

For one, Sasuke was staring at one of them. She had bright, bubblegum pink hair, and vivid green eyes. She had a slight smile on her face, and her hips seemed to sway. Or Sasuke was a horndog. I can't tell.

The other one however, was less cute and instead, beautiful. She had long indigo hair, which fell down to her mid-back. Her eyes however, were white, and it made her look blind. She could be blind, though.

…Naruto's too thick to be able to tell.

Anyway, she was blushing slightly, and had a sweet smile on her face.

Kakashi slipped the pink-haired one a pair of keys, and told her something. The pink-haired one nodded and the two walked back to their seats, Sasuke and Naruto's eyes following them all the while.

Naruto licked his lips. "Check them out, bastard. Hotties are IN this year."

Sasuke couldn't bring himself to answer Naruto. Sure, they were pretty cute, but he didn't expect anything to come from it. Most hotties were vain, mind.

Sasuke sighed. "They aren't bad."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "What the hell do you mean, 'Aren't Bad'? They're hotties. Underlined. HOT.TAAAAAYS. Got it memorized, 'ttebayo?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Whatever. They can be Hot-taaaaaays if they want, but I stay away from vain girls who have nothing better to do than get pregnant with whatever guy they meet."

Naruto smirked at his best friend. "Haha. It's nearly over. They're only a couple more names."

"Room 236; Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Chouji."

Naruto and Sasuke spun around to look at Shikamaru and Chouji, who were smiling at them. Naruto grinned at them, and Sasuke smirked slightly and nodded.

They went up to get their keys, and after a bit…

"You are all dismissed!" Kakashi called out, walking away from the podium, porn novel in hand. Naruto, Sasuke, Shikamaru and Chouji all walked slowly out of the auditorium, chatting quietly to themselves as they left.

"See you around, loser." A boy called Kūchin called out, shoving Shikamaru in the back. Shikamaru stumbled forward, and spun around, glaring at Kūchin. He smirked at him, as his friends gave him a high-five. Chouji glared at the group of young men and began to roll up his sleeves, but Sasuke pushed his arm down.

"Don't bother. It'll only get people hurt." Sasuke muttered, keeping a firm grip on his triceps. Chouji glared at Sasuke, but then relaxed his arm. Sasuke was right; he would only get hurt.

He sighed, and lowered his fist. "Let's find our dorms."

Naruto, Sasuke and Shikamaru all nodded, and they set off up the stairs.

"So anyway, Shikamaru," Naruto started. "What stuff do you like?"

Sasuke resisted the urge to slap his forehead. Honestly, how queer did that sound?

"I enjoy puzzles," Shikamaru said slowly. "I have the IQ of over 200."

Sasuke and Naruto stared at Shikamaru stupendously. Shikamaru smirked, and Chouji grinned.

"Yeah, he's a genius. Beat that!"

"I can recite the alphabet backwards…" Naruto said slowly. "Does that get me brownie points?"

"No."

"Why not?!"

"Because."

"Bastard, you're not giving a reason."

"Do I have to?"

"Yeah."

"…I don't feel like it."

Naruto's jaw dropped. "Bastard! You're a lazy git, you know that?"

Sasuke shrugged, combing a hand through his hair. "Hn. I'm aware."

"Why would you want to be?! A lazy git is…well, a lazy git!! Erm, no offence, Shikamaru…" Naruto trailed off sheepishly, noting the look on Shikamaru's face.

Shikamaru sighed, and put his hands in his pockets. "I'm used to insults, retard. I'm not offended."

Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Yeah…So, where are the stairs, anyways?!" He said, his voice escalating with annoyance. Chouji shrugged, and pointed at two boys standing over by a door.

"We should ask them."

"Why them?" Shikamaru asked, eyebrow raised. "You know them?"

"No. But they look smart."

Sasuke snorted. "As if. They look like losers, if you ask me."

"We're losers, they're losers. What's the difference?" And with that thought, Shikamaru slowly shuffled over to them. He cleared his throat. "Ahem."

No response.

"Ahem."

Still no response.

"Hello?" Shikamaru tapped one of them on the shoulder. He spun around to look at Shikamaru, eyebrow raised.

"Yes…?" He answered, frowning balefully at Shikamaru. He had long, brown hair, and white eyes, a lot like that girl from before. He was wearing a plain tan-colored t-shirt, and some black pants. His white eyes were narrowed upon the lazy genius, but he soon smirked at him. "Oh, you're one of the newbies."

The other dude turned around, and even from where Naruto, Sasuke and Chouji were standing, they could see him. And it wasn't the prettiest sight.

He has really big, wide, circular eyes, which had a friendly sparkle to them. His hair was styled in a bowl-cut, and he was wearing a tight, green tee, along with some dark-blue pants.

"Hey there! I'm Rock Lee!" He said enthusiastically, shaking Shikamaru's hand vigorously. Shikamaru smiled weakly at him.

"H-Hi… Can you tell us where the stairs are?" He said weakly, eyes beginning to hurt from the sparklies coming out of his teeth.

"Sure!" Lee gave Shikamaru a thumbs up, along with a wink and grinning, showing off his über-shiny teeth and making a Ping!ing sound.

Sasuke sweatdropped. "Oh God, why?! Why did we choose the weird College?!" Sasuke shouted frantically in his head, punching himself for his own stupidity.

Chouji and Naruto looked at each other, beads of sweat rolling down their faces.

"Holy hell."

Lee put his arm around Shikamaru's shoulder, and with his free hand, pointed to the Campus' north-east corner. "THAT, my young friend, is where the stairs are located!" Lee said loudly, making a sweeping gesture with his hand.

Shikamaru winced, and murmured, "Cheers."

Lee took his arm off of Shikamaru's neck, causing Shikamaru to promptly fall to the floor, as Lee was pushing down on his shoulders as he gave his speech. The white-eyed young man rolled his eyes and held out a hand to help up Shikamaru. Shikamaru accepted it, and the man murmured, "Oh, by the way. I'm Hyuuga Neji."

Shikamaru nodded. "Nara Shikamaru. You're a Junior, correct?"

Neji nodded. "Yes. I got on the Dean's list as a Freshman, and I plan to again this year."

Chouji and Naruto ran over to Neji and Shikamaru, Sasuke strolling leisurely behind them. "Hi! I'm Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto called out enthusiastically, waving at Neji and Lee.

Lee grinned, waved, and called out, "Hey Naruto!" Neji nodded at the two. When Sasuke walked over, he gave a small greeting.

"Hn."

"Hn."

Naruto gagged. It was an "Hn."-a-thon.

"Errr… Hn?"

Neji, Sasuke, Lee, Shikamaru and Chouji all stared at Naruto.

"What…the hell was that?!" Shikamaru said slowly, staring blankly at Naruto. Naruto grinned sheepishly, and rubbed the back of his head.

"Erm…I want to fit in?"

Chouji shook his head at him, along with Lee. Naruto shrugged.

"What?"

"Neji-san! Lee-san!"

A feminine voice called out. Neji and Lee looked around to see a tanned girl run up to them with a smile on her face, brown eyes sparkling.

She pulled the two boys into a hug. "I missed you guys! How have you been?"

"Just peachy, Tenten-chan!" Lee grinned, flashing a pose. Neji smiled slightly, and said, "I've been good, thanks. How about you?"

Tenten smiled. "I've been fine, Neji-san." She opened her mouth to say something else to Neji, but two girls interrupted her.

"Neji-sama! How was your break? How are you?" Two girls shoved Tenten out of the way, and began talking to Neji, fluttering their eyelashes, and flashing flirty smiles. Tenten glared at the two girls, and said coolly, "Welcome back, Suika. Ami."

The two girls looked behind, and smirked slightly. "Why hello, Tenten-chan. Barely noticed you there."

Suika smirked at Tenten, while Ami went back to Neji. "Sooo, Neji-sama… How was your break?" She smiled suggestively at him, and Neji frowned slightly.

"I think you owe Tenten an apology before I answer that."

Ami's smile dropped, and she opened her mouth to retaliate, but Neji held up a hand. "Apologize. Now."

Ami frowned, but then turned back to Tenten. "Sorry, Tenten-chan." She said coolly, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Tenten smirked at her.

"No problem, Ami-chan." She looked over Ami's shoulder at Neji. "Neji-san, I think you should answer Ami-chan now."

Neji rolled his eyes at Tenten, but put on a smile when Ami turned towards him. "Good thanks, Ami."

Ami grinned. "That's excellent, Neji-sama! I-"

"I s'pose I'll see you around then."

Ami's smile slightly dropped. "Yeah…Alright. Bye, Neji-sa-"

"Bye."

Ami walked off with Suika, looking crestfallen. However, when she thought she was out of earshot, she hissed to her best friend, "Why didn't he try to jump me?! It must be that whore Tenten!! She must of cursed him or something!"

The group blinked at the bitching girls, and coughed nervously. Neji raised an eyebrow. "You didn't drug me, Tenten…Did you?"

"Wha…? Oh, GOD no!! Neji!" Tenten gasped, waving her hands wildly. "No no no!" Relief washed over Neji, and he sighed.

"Thank God."

"Who do you take me for, Neji?! A FANGIRL? YOU'VE BEEN ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS FOR YEARS!!!!" Tenten shouted, shaking Neji violently by the shoulders. Naruto sweatdropped.

"Does she act like this often?" He murmured to Lee. Lee nodded.

"Tenten is very violent towards Neji-san and I. I have no idea why…"

Tenten was still shaking Neji roughly by the shoulders.

"I mean, I thought the youthfulness of a woman's seed only affected her once a month, but…"

BANG.

Neji had been sent flying across the courtyard, courtesy of Tenten.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING THAT ON ME, HYUUGA!!"

Lee simply rolled his eyes as if he was used to it, but then continued to talk as if nothing happened. "…that means Tenten must be affected by the seed either more frequently, or more painfully than other women…"

Tenten stormed over to where Neji lay, picked him up again, and began shaking him roughly.

Lee put on a face of deep thinking. "…Wait, that can't be correct… If the seed released fifty times in one month that means something would be wrong with her…" Naruto sweatdropped. He was used to this?!

Sasuke, Shikamaru and Chouji were standing still, watching Tenten beat up Neji, blank looks on their faces.

Naruto stared, and nodded. "Yeah… Well, I best be off then…"

Lee smiled. "I'll see you around Campus, Naruto-san!" Naruto scuttled over to the other guys, who were watching Tenten and Neji.

Naruto, Shikamaru, Sasuke and Chouji looked at each other. Shikamaru murmured, "Should we help?"

"Nah…" Sasuke shook his head.

The four guys back away, and then ran North-East towards the stairs, leaving a deranged Tenten and half-dead Neji behind.

Lee put on a deep thinking pose, and began wondering about Tenten's 'seed of youth' again…

By the time Sasuke, Naruto, Shikamaru and Chouji had gotten up to their dorm rooms, they had ran into two other young men here for the first time. One was called Inuzuka Kiba, and the other was called Aburame Shino. Inuzuka had a doggy called Akamaru, and he had a thing for dogs. Not that way, but…Yeah.

Perverts.

Anyway, Aburame was the quiet type. Could hardly get a peep out of him. He wore a large coat, and he had a groovy, groovy afro. And he liked bugs.

Is everybody a pervert? God.

They talked to them for a bit, and discovered they were in Room 209, one floor below them. Sasuke and Shino ended up having a staring contest (Which Shino won, by the way) and Naruto and Kiba discussing whatever popped to mind.

Namely, porn.

"Haha, Kakashi is such a perv!" Naruto grinned, looking Kiba straight in the eye. "Did you see what version it was?"

"Version 8!" Kiba nodded, smirking. "He must really like those books…"

Naruto and Kiba giggled a bit, Shikamaru watching in awe.

"Are they gay?" He murmured to Chouji, who shrugged helplessly as he watched the show. Sasuke was angsting about losing to Shino in the staring contest, so Shikamaru dragged them all off after Naruto and Kiba began to plot 'where Kakashi keeps his porn'…

The two guys walked over to their dorm rooms to unpack. Naruto nudged Sasuke and hissed, "Bastard, you have the key."

"Don't rush me, loser," Sasuke spat. "God."

Naruto frowned. "Just open the door. My arms are about to fall off…"

Sasuke frowned, but dropped his bags onto the floor, and reached into his pocket. He pulled out the key, and slid it into the lock. He kicked the door open, and picked up his bags. Naruto shoved him to the side, and walked past.

"Bastard," Sasuke mumbled, frowning at Naruto. He grinned in return, and threw his bags onto a bed.

"I bagsies this bed."

"Whatever…" Sasuke muttered, placing his bags onto the other bed. It was over in the far corner, while Naruto's was in the open, beside the window.

Naruto sat down onto his bed, and grinned. "Well bastard, let's go find us some ladies!"

Sasuke smirked. "I don't think I can complain about that."

Just after Sasuke said this, a loud giggle was heard, and some chatter from the dorm across from them. Sasuke looked at the closed door, and then smirked at his friend. "We won't have to go very far to get ladies, loser."

Naruto grinned evilly. "Mmm. Yum." He licked his lips, and rubbed his hands together. "Is that those girls we saw before?"

"Quite possibly. What, you have a fetish for girls with pink-hair and white eyes?"

"Possibly." Naruto smirked at him. "You NEED to find a girlfriend sooner or later, y'know. Why not start now?"

"I don't hook up with ANYONE, loser…Unlike you."

"Haha. Not funny, bastard. You're still a virgin, correct?"

Sasuke's eyes widened. He went slightly red, but then spat, "Because unlike YOU, I have dignity."

"Admit it, bastard. You're just jealous of my-" He sexily tossed his hair, "-Love-making abilities."

Sasuke frowned. "Oh yeah?! I bet you I could get a girl into bed before I'm a Junior. I guarantee!"

Naruto smirked. "You're on."

"Look, I'll start now!!" Sasuke said, voice rising in volume and tempo. He stood up and walked over to the door. He pushed it open, but when his eyes came to rest upon the girl in front of him, he stopped.

His dark orbs locked gaze with her sparkling green eyes.

It was at that moment Sasuke realized his years here would be very, very fun.


Hope you enjoyed it! I'll try to update as soon as possible.

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And make me update quicker. xD