Hey! This is my Valentine's Day gift for everyone… well, it will actually go through the lover's day until the end of the month. ANYWAY, you can expect pretty much anything here, like semi-cannon pairs, actual cannon pairs, and quite a few extremely mucked up couples… and threesomes, etcetera.
I know, the title is very cliché, but hell! I've got nothing else.
Disclaimer: Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.
Love Potion Number Nine
Prologue
It was just another faulty experiment; a plan like any other that was doomed to fail from the start, as they always do when a villain formulates and integrates their 'master scheme.'
That's all it was supposed to be. No, really…
It happened only once a year. About that time when the coldest of the Winter's days had passed and nature was in its transition into Spring, the season of life. Saint Valentine's Day or Valentine's Day on the fourteenth of every February. It is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other; sending Valentine's cards, candy, or donations to charities, often anonymously. Even giving gifts to friends is another nice gesture. It is very common to present flowers on Valentine's Day.
Dante, of course, was not as thrilled as she used to be. There was a time and a place of oh probably a few thousand years ago when she would have leapt for joy as a teen at the thought of dressing up in absurdly frilly, bulky dresses, painting up her face in coat after coat of makeup, and even sachet her pretty little self down the town square.
Followed of course by a lot of… you know what.
Ah, youth.
Dante pursed her lips and pulled herself off of the lounge chair, grimacing at the creaking sound her old, 'borrowed' frame made. Oh how she would have loved to get out there and keep up with her old tradition of prowling, notorious behaviour, and waltzing with man after man until the night was done. If not for that, she wouldn't have been quite so successful with her seemingly endless amount of spouses.
Just how many? Hell, even she had lost count.
Not a very romantic story, indeed.
She let out a sigh as she lightly grasped the bright purple shawl around her shoulders. That tradition had long since passed. Well, for as long as she looked like she was waiting for the reaper to put her out of her misery that is. This certainly would not do. She wasn't going to spend another Valentine's Day cooped up in her study…
A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts and she looked up. "Come in."
Her young student, and live in walked in and bowed politely. "Lady Dante…" Lyra smiled brightly. "There is an old lady…" Dante grimaced. "Er, there's-a-woman-here-to-see-you-sensei." She finished quickly.
"Really?" Dante turned to face her. "Well, send her in, my dear."
Lyra stepped aside to reveal a woman of average height and equal in age to Dante's appearance. She wore bright robes of purples, reds, and gold over a long maroon skirt. Her grey hair was tied up in a messy, lopsided bun, and she wore plenty of bulky, golden jewellery. On her feet she wore white socks, and plain sandals. A large satchel was strapped to her back and in her arms she stroked the head of an animal that, oddly enough, looked like a tiger cub. Most of all, she smelt strongly of incense and black tea.
"It's alright now, my pupil." She acknowledged Lyra. "You are excused." Lyra nodded and after a quick bow, she vacated the room.
Dante turned her attention back to exotic looking woman. "Long time no see. What brings you all the way out here to my mansion, Madame Abi?"
The old woman grinned. "Ah, young, Mistress Dante ((just how old is this woman?! XD)). Have you been taking your medicine?"
"Your herbal remedies have no effect." Dante stated, angrily. "My body continues to decay, but I don't appear to have any such illness that would cause this."
"And you have no idea why your flesh is rotting?" Abi asked, her interest peaked.
"No." She murmured. 'I just can't figure out why it could possibly be…'
"So, Mistress…" Abi smiled. "Any plans for the almost mystical lover's day?" Dante scoffed and Abi laughed out loud. "Ha! I didn't think so. Not exactly spring chickens are we?"
"I would be if I had the Philosopher's Stone…" Dante muttered under her breath, clenching her fist.
Abi raised a brow. "That old thing? Is that all? Preposterous."
Dante's head shot up. "Preposterous?! Surely you of all people know the extent of the stone's power and just how much goes into creating it."
Abi's grin widened. "I do. But what if I were to tell you that I could make a stone for you that wouldn't require quite so many sacrifices and they wouldn't necessarily need to be live."
'Then I would laugh in your face.' Would be the reply of a younger, more energetic Dante. "That's impossible. Even a simpleton knows that." Was her dull reply.
Abi shrugged. "Well, I guess you'll be spending the day all by your lonesome." She sang. "I don't know about you, but I simply adore Valentine's Day. Young couples holding hands, whispering loving words to each other just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside." She held her arms out and began spinning on the spot. "Ah, the very thought makes me feel like an adolescent again. Such wild emotions on this day."
Dante snorted. Yes, youth and emotions. She felt like her entire mansion was overrun with youth, while emotion was another factor. Theoretically, homunculi weren't supposed to have emotions. They would need a soul for that. Or so that's what she filled the heads of her four younger ones with. But hell! Weren't emotions what they were all named after in the first place? What a waste. She glanced back up at Abi who was still spinning and laughing merrily. "So am I correct in assuming that you can form a stone without thousands of human sacrifices?"
Abi halted and dropped her hands, clearing her throat. "Yes, but I would need a compound to start with first."
"Now, that's the easy part." Dante stated. "I have someone working on that for me." She motioned to the door just as the chimera, Shou Tucker walked in. "I trust that you have the jewelled red water?"
The monstrosity extended his arm and opened his palm, revealing the makeup for a Philosopher's Stone. "Yes. I have managed the solidify the red water salvaged from Lab Five." His quiet, hoarse voice answered.
Dante picked up the crimson blob and studied it for a moment before nodding in satisfaction. "Good. You are dismissed." Tucker remained glued to the spot, shifting nervously. "Is there something else you would ask of me?"
"… it's… just that…" Tucker twiddled his paws. "I was wondering if you will also use the stone to bring my precious Nina back to me…"
"Oh rest assured." Though no smile formed on her face. "The first thing I'll do is resurrect your daughter, then I'll turn all of my 'employees' into humans as promised." Tucker's world visibly brightened as he nodded once before he finally turned and left through the room.
Before further business could be discussed, a loud crash sounded from downstairs followed by a feminine scream. Both woman turned and headed down the long, spiral staircase, taking their time. When they reached the bottom, the first thing they saw was Lyra running towards Dante and jumping behind her, bending down to conceal herself behind her sensei. She hated it when her sensei's weird looking servants came barging in… tracking mud all over her clean floor. "I told him that he couldn't come in, Lady Dante, but he forced his way in."
"It's fine, dear." She turned her gaze towards the spiky-haired man loitering by the entrance, looking quite bored. To her left she saw Pride standing by the staircase with his arms folded against his back. "To what do I owe this pleasure, hmm?"
Greed jumped down from the table surface he had been occupying and took a few steps forward. "What? I'm not allowed to drop by and say hello to an old friend from time to time? I'm hurt." Yup, he was lying through his teeth. Truthfully, he had overheard talk about the real deal for a Philosopher's Stone and decided to 'investigate.'
As expected, Dante was no fool, but she was still seething about him using the word 'old' so loosely. "You came for the stone, Greed. Now I'm not in the best of moods right now and I might just choose to not allow you to have any part of this. So I suggest you stay silent." Greed scrunched up his nose, but still said nothing more. "Good. Now, apparently there is a way to create a Philosopher's Stone without the need of blood sacrifices-"
She had to be yanking his chain. "How is that possible? This is stupid." Greed crossed his arms, not looking convinced in the least.
"This here is Madame Abi, and she says that she is able to alter the ingredients for making a stone…" She gestured towards the atheist woman who was studying Greed's hair, wondering just how much hair mousse he had to use. "Am I not correct?"
Shaking her head, Abi nodded. "It's true. Such minor sorcery is child's play to me, and all you'll need is a small handful of sacrifices, not thousands. As a matter of fact…" She reached into her robe and pulled out the incomplete Philosopher's Stone, leaving Dante to wonder just when she got her hands on it. Before either of them could blink she had taken what looked to be a syringe made from the flesh of some kind of organ and had pumped it full of a deep violet liquid, causing the gooey ball to crystallize and hold a purple glow around its surface. "Red is the colour of power and purple is the colour of… infatuation, and there is no greater power than this." She offered the stone over towards Greed who accepted it while raising an eyebrow.
Dante glanced over at Greed who seemed to be considering it. "Now all I need is for someone to keep the stone safe until the sacrifices are in one area. The forest outside of this mansion will do."
Greed leered and pushed his shades further up on his nose. "So how about I prove my loyalty then. Have we got ourselves a deal?"
Dante smirked. "Very well, time to put this little plot into motion. I'll send Envy and the others to ensure that everything goes according to plan." Then she had the audacity to raise her hands and clap twice.
The door flew open, the momentum from, everyone knows who, knocking it clean off its hinges. "WHAT AM I? YOUR $!#&$ BUTLER?!" The diabolic, green-haired homunculus himself then walked in, looking quite pissed off as usual. Nevertheless, he never ceased to make a grand entrance. The entrance being the echo that one of the doors made as it hit the marble floor, signalling that yet another thing in the mansion needed to be replaced due to his 'temper tantrums.'
The sour look Greed initially had disappeared as he snickered. "What's wrong, palm tree boy? Going through another mid-life crisis? Misplaced your hair gel and wood glue I bet."
"Oh gee, like I've never heard that before." Envy took on his notorious expression as he crossed his arms. "Who had the guts to say that, huh?!"
"Interesting staff you've got here, Mistress." Abi stated from Dante's side with a chuckle while they vaguely heard Greed yell back something about Envy's expressions would probably cause him to get premature wrinkles, which promptly resulted in Greed getting roundhouse kicked, then thrown through the roof into the second floor.
As more loud crashes sounded from upstairs and other random places, Pride approached Dante just as she was about to yell at them to knock it off. "A good plan, Master, but which individuals do you plan on using as the sacrifices?"
Dante looked at him for a moment before answering. "Who else? Those who covet the stone as much as we do."
"SORRY! I DON'T SPEAK JACKASS, YA FURY-COLLARED, ASSHOLE, SON OF A BITCH!"
Pride nodded. "So the Elric brothers are a good start. I'll send Colonel Roy Mustang and anyone else I can get into the area. I'll also go personally and make sure that nothing thwarts the operation."
"That will suffice. You are free to return to your post." Pride bowed and took his leave as Dante turned to her right. She blinked twice, yet she wasn't too surprised to see that Abi was nowhere to be seen. She shook her head just as Greed came crashing back down quickly followed by Envy who landed, driving his feet into Greed's gut upon impact.
"WHY DON'T YOU GO JOIN A COUNTY FAIR?! YA SKORT-WEARING, FREAK OF NATURE!"
"Enough!" Both of them quieted down since she sounded more pissed off than usual, just what was with that old crone today?
"Now…" Dante turned to Envy first. "I want you to head to the entrance to the forest, near the lake. Take Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, and Wrath with you." She flicked her mahogany eyes in Greed's direction. "And I want you to take the stone and head to the central area of the forest and wait for your next orders. Pride will take care of the rest."
Envy grimaced, muttering something about old people and menopause before turning on his heel and leaving through the front doors without looking back, as did Greed once the elder sin was out of sight.
After a few minutes passed since everyone else had left the room, Dante swivelled to her right to face her young apprentice-maid, who was still concealing herself behind her sensei. "Lyra, dear. I want you to follow Greed. Make sure he doesn't try anything traitorous, alright?"
Lyra immediately righted herself and bowed obediently to her sensei. "Yes, Lady Dante. I won't fail you. I will follow your orders to the best of my abilities." With that, she picked up the front of her long, frilly dress and apron before bolting for the door as well.
After the girl scurried out of the mansion, Dante turned to face the window just as Lyra disappeared down the path before letting another smirk cross her aging face. This was just too perfect. With all who target the Philosopher's Stone in the same area, she would have no one left to stand her away. Same went for her 'employees,' not that she ever had any intention of keeping her word to the homunculi and that oversized chimera.
Most importantly, it went doubly for her, ironically enough, most profound homunculus. He didn't give a damn about being human, never followed orders without adding his own 'twist,' and even after four hundred years she still hadn't been able to shake him off her tail. She certainly wouldn't be sorry to see him go. Then she would have the stone all to herself, use it to gain true immortality, a young and beautiful body, and could still be back in time to seize the lover's day of the year…
Too wound up in her own selfish desires, she didn't notice the presence of a familiar, old naturalist idly standing by, petting her cub with a mischievous glint in her eyes…
