A/N: Um... hiiiiii guys... XD Um... I AM ALIVE :D Bet you thought I was dead, huh?! Nope XD I know, it's been like... dear God, forever. Since I've done anything. On anything. And um... yeahhhh. The truth is I got out of Supernatural a while ago. I still love the show but lost inspiration, but none of my stories are 'dead' exactly. Just need inspiration :3 Plus life is like... well, life. And stuff. And stuff. And yeahhh. Boring details, boring details, and boring details, won't bother you with it. As it is, though, I am into the Mass Effect Trilogy :) It is my thing at the moment. No, I don't know how long this phase will last but it's been a month already, soooo...
Anyway, this is my first attempt at fanfiction in like... years, and my first attempt at something other than Supernatural. Soooo be kind, yeah?
I love Kaidan. Like... dear God. Steak. Headaches. HE IS ME WITH ABILITIES AND OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER achem anyway. I always pick him over Ashley. Tried to pick Ashley once, then Kaidan came in like "yo I have 1hp but I'mma take out all these people shooting rockets at us like a boss so you don't have to do a damn thing, commander" and HE DID EXACTLY THAT. I was like 'OO jesus Kaidan, calm down' and yeahhh so I love him :3 I don't go anywhere without him. I was happy to be able to romance him (I like that it's an option) but I also adore their friendship, too.
I think this is going to be slash. It's what Cuppie (my best friend) asked for. She also requested that Thane be in it. Soooo here it is :3 It's supposed to be short but I might expand and become AU-ish later, dunno though. Mainly Kaidan's POV 'cause I don't wanna do all the Shepard dialogue on missions . gahhhhhh I hate doing that crap but I did it for this story in the parts that is 'canon' I guess. Achem. This is getting really freaking long. Sorry.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THIS. If I did... dear God... the possibilities... I would steal Kaidan and Shepard and Garrus and Tali and and and and everyone and nothing would ever get done, so be thankful I don't own it. :3
I am thinking of doing other stories with them but dunno :P Hard for me to do fanfiction O.O
ANYWAY
Let us begin!
Medical Red Tape
By Muffy the Dough Slayer
Warnings: Rated T for language... for now. May include a slash pairing so if that's not your glass of pineapple juice I suggest you return to the fridge and try again. May include my horrible attempts at canon dialogue and plotholes. Have fun!
Chapter One
Being in the hospital gave Kaidan a lot of time to think.
Not just about the pain and the medical red tape tying him to the bed, but about a lot of things. About Saren and Sovereign, and Shepard and Cerberus, and… well, about Shepard and their friendship, if he could still call it that.
They used to be inseparable, especially after Ashley's death. Kaidan always felt guilty about living while she died, but Shepard always did his best to cheer him up. If Kaidan had to blame anyone, blame Shepard or Saren, was Shepard's usual response. Shepard for making the choice and Saren for making it necessary. Kaidan could never blame Shepard, though. It was tough, being in command, and decisions had to be made. It was… logical to go after Kaidan. After all Shepard had been closer to Kaidan proximity wise, so the decision to backtrack familiar, safe territory was more logical than the decision to fight through uncharted territory. Plus there was the whole bit with the bomb and making sure it went off correctly. All in all, Kaidan supposed it was the right decision, and he didn't blame Shepard for it, only Saren. Saren's fault, not Shepard's.
Not his fault, either.
But then a few months later, Shepard was gone. Just… gone. No body to be found, only the word of Joker, who witnessed Shepard's final moments. Kaidan was there just before that, stating he wasn't leaving the commander behind and was going to stay as long as he did, but Shepard convinced him to get on a shuttle, make sure everyone got out safely while he went after Joker.
And then Joker returned, and Shepard did not, and Kaidan didn't know what to do. What could he do, when he was only half of what he once was? True, he hadn't known Shepard more than a year, but what they went through made them bond more closely than some people managed in decades. They created a strong friendship in days, weeks, months. Such high stakes made you rely on those by your side and Shepard's faith in Kaidan never wavered. He took Kaidan with him wherever he went. At the time Kaidan had been wary, wondering what the commander had in mind, but that grew to trust rather quickly.
Kaidan was slow to trust after Jump Zero and Conatix. He believed what he said, that of course not all aliens were like that asshole he regrettably killed, but it was still hard to trust someone. Kaidan tried to be self relient – if he had to rely on someone else, he was doing something wrong. But somehow this was different. This was subtle, the changes, the way he relaxed when Shepard entered a room, the way the two worked so easily and well together.
Subtle yet complete.
It almost made him co-dependent, in a way.
The sudden lack of that constant presence was nearly overwhelming. The pain it caused, the ripple of emotions, of regret and anger and despair… it was powerful and complete, just like their friendship. He didn't know what to do in the absence of such a strong companionship. It was like learning to walk again, learning to do everything again. Half the time he caught himself looking up when someone entered a room, half expecting it to be Shepard. Or whenever someone called out 'Commander', he instinctively looked, intent on relaxing, but that was never the case. It was always the wrong person.
The crew fell apart after he was gone, too. Kaidan had grown to trust them all, rely on them in their entirety, and yet they disappeared as well. Joker was the first to leave, being grounded after the Normandy fell apart and the crew disbanded. Then Garrus left. Kaidan often wondered if the turian was even still alive, but nothing could kill Garrus. Of course, he never thought anything could take out Shepard, either, especially after surviving Saren and Sovereign together, but it happened nevertheless. When the impossible happened, it was surprisingly hard to keep focus and have… hope.
Kaidan always looked at the bright side of things, or at least he tried to. He prided himself on the fact he'd managed to overcome a lot in his life, first being labeled as a biotic, a 'freak of nature', then surviving Jump Zero where the 'training' and 'breaking' took priority over everything, even humanity. Was he even human there, or just a test subject, a means to an end? But thoughts about Jump Zero were better left in the past.
He overcame that and was proud of the fact he could still look at aliens – turians – and not immediately hate them. He believed what he said – there were jerks and saints just like with humans.
He overcame it, overcame Saren and the threat of the Reapers…
But this, it was sudden and raw and overwhelming, and there was no bright side.
He tried to find one. He really did.
Shepard's gone, but… but the crew is mostly all alive.
Shepard's gone but… I'm alive.
Shepard's gone but… but…
Shepard's gone, but… hey, they have steak here.
Shepard's gone, but… I'm promoted.
Shepard's gone but… but… but…
Shepard's gone…
Shepard's gone.
There was no bright side. No crew, no commander, no ship… nothing was left of the life he hadn't known he'd been clinging to so ferociously. He'd do anything to get it back but it was never going to happen. Half the time he just kept wondering when he'd wake up from this nightmare.
And then the rumors started.
Shepard was alive, they said.
Impossible. We were friends; he would have contacted me, it's been two years.
Shepard was alive, working for Cerberus.
Impossible; Cerberus cost Shepard a lot in the past, he'd never join them. And if he was alive he'd let me know.
And then there was Horizon, the day he realized the truth… or so he thought.
Shepard, alive and well. At first he couldn't believe what he was seeing, who he was seeing, hearing. Frozen by the Collector's swarm, he was only freed when Shepard managed to chase the Collectors away, and by then the fight was over and he was left walking in the direction of a man he thought he knew, once knew, used to know, thought he'd always know, wanted to know again, couldn't know again…
His mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Mouth on autopilot, he called Shepard a legend and a ghost in the same breath, staring at him. Relief was his first thought as Shepard's blue eyes focused on his own brown ones. Relief, soothing over those raw wounds where he lost a friend. And then came the anger, burning, igniting those wounds anew because this wasn't right.
He all but called the commander a traitor. Did he fake his own death simply to switch sides? He thought maybe the commander was undercover, a secret assignment from the Council or something, but he would have let Kaidan know, right? Kaidan hadn't been wrong in their friendship – they trusted each other implicitly, he would have let him know somehow, someway, that he was still alive.
Shepard said he was comatose until a few weeks ago. Kaidan could read the sincerity in his gaze but he couldn't believe it. Who was dead for two years, then came back like nothing happened, working for the enemy? It didn't make any sense!
And Garrus was there, too. Kaidan felt the sharp sting of betrayal at the turian's presence. How long had Garrus known about this? Was he part of this? Why hadn't he told Kaidan? Let him know he was okay, let him know Shepard was okay… let him know something…
Two years and nothing. Two years and this.
And he couldn't…
He just couldn't.
Like a fool he said things he didn't really mean. He walked away from a life he thought he knew, thought he wanted back.
He left Horizon more torn than when he went there. Going back to the Citadel gave him few answers. No one knew what to make of Shepard working for Cerberus, of Cerberus 'rebuilding' him. Was it even Shepard? It looked like him, sounded like him, even had the same damn eyes and same facial expressions…
But there was dead, and then there was dead.
And Shepard was dead.
Joker confirmed it, the Alliance confirmed it…
Dead, dead, dead.
Dead is dead is dead.
So how, then, was he breathing and talking and walking like nothing ever happened.
If this was a trick it was cruel and elaborate.
Kaidan could see Cerberus doing that very trick, though. Trick everyone into believing that Shepard worked for them, was still alive, and if Shepard believed in them, why couldn't anyone else?
Shepard was a hero in the galaxy's eyes, after all. Kaidan wouldn't put it past them.
But this…
Anderson gave him few answers and only more questions. Everything was apparently classified. He tried to appeal to the man on a friendly level but only Shepard had managed to actually befriend the man on that level, and Shepard was the topic at hand. If anything, Anderson could have been compromised.
Hell, Kaidan himself was compromised.
It didn't take long to figure out everyone was, really. Tali and Garrus were working with Shepard, as was Joker and Dr. Chakwas. Their old crew was split, divided, and Kaidan didn't know where he stood, how to get back to solid ground, equal footing.
Then came word of the Omega 4 Relay. That was where Shepard planned on going. A suicide mission, to save humanity.
That sounded like Shepard – his Shepard, the old Shepard.
And normally Kaidan would have been there, but this… it was just… he didn't know what to do.
He'd thought he was over the loss. It hurt, it always did when one lost a friend, but even so… it hurt. He wasn't lying when he said it was like losing a limb. He honestly had to figure out how to live again, in a world where he did not have his friends there with him, have Shepard there with him.
It was a long and painful process but after two years, he thought he was over it. He thought he was okay, but then the rumors… and then Horizon…
And now this, and he just didn't know what to do.
There was nothing to do, though, as Shepard left for the Omega 4 Relay. He started the suicide mission without Kaidan, without half the crew, and Kaidan had no way of talking to him, of apologizing, of making amends or even attempting to make sense of this horrible situation.
A part of him was hopeful, as he had been in the past, that Shepard would come out unscathed. Doing the impossible was basically the man's resume, after all. But after trying to find the bright side in a dark void for so long, it was hard to have the faith to back it up.
And so he tried to get used to the idea that Shepard was dead, again.
He tried to prepare himself for the news that, yes, the Collectors were stopped – Shepard, even one controlled by Cerberus, would never leave something unfinished – but the Normandy SR2 was gone, as was Shepard, Garrus, half the crew. Gone. Again, forever, just get it over with…
But the news never came. Days passed. Weeks.
Finally word did come, but only in the form that Shepard was arrested and relieved of duty for working with Cerberus and his actions afterward. Kaidan was relieved, angry, confused… too many emotions to count, no way to describe them all, and no way to act on them.
So he did nothing. After everything, he was surprisingly good at doing nothing. It was easy, to focus on work instead of thinking. Instead of remembering, wondering, regretting…
But like all things, it ended with a bang.
Reapers invaded Earth. He saw Shepard before it happened, the first time in a long time. He told himself to stay quiet, but in the end he called out, "Shepard." And Shepard turned, and the two spoke after what felt like an eternity.
He meant what he said, then. He was happy to see him.
But the tentative peace ended. Shepard was retrieved in the chaos that followed but they left Anderson behind. Shepard was full on soldier mode, Commander Shepard instead of the friendly face he used to be.
They were ordered to Mars. Kaidan still had doubts, though he hated the thought of them. He questioned why Cerberus was there, like Shepard would know. Shepard was, of course, offended by the accusations. James even vouched for him, and finally Kaidan relented.
"I shouldn't have to explain myself to you, Kaidan," Shepard said, narrowing his eyes at him in anger, betrayal, annoyance.
This was true. There used to be trust, absolute and complete.
There used to be a lot of things, though, and things were different now. Cerberus stood between them and Kaidan didn't know how to move past it, move past the harsh words, the doubts, the anger, the-
"Trust me," Shepard said.
"I do, I'm sorry, I just-"
He was cut off by banging in the vents. Liara appeared and he was, for the moment, forgotten in the background.
Things escalated quickly, though. He compared Shepard to the husk-like Cerberus operative. Shepard was offended, again.
"How can you compare me to him?" he demanded.
Kaidan wasn't sure. He didn't mean it, he was just… something. He was something and he didn't like it, and he wanted things how they used to be.
But after all the words and doubts… it wouldn't happen.
From there, they made it to the archives. A woman, Dr. Eva, downloaded the data and they spent the next few minutes chasing after her. James crashed his shuttle into hers, stopping her from getting away, but she wound up being a robot. She survived the flames and the crash and grabbed him and slammed his head into the shuttle.
Darkness, complete and encompassing from there.
He didn't remember leaving Mars.
The first thing he remembered was a doctor in his face, smiling at him as he finally woke up.
His first words were of the mission. How did it go? Was Shepard okay?
Was the crew?
He remembered nothing after the hit to the head.
The doctor assured him Shepard was fine, had been here to see him personally, and that he was currently away on important business. Kaidan could understand that, knew it meant it was classified and the doctor probably didn't know what his job was at the moment.
Medical red tape, then.
So there he lay, in the hospital, looking out the massive window which was one of his walls. The world outside looked peaceful but he knew better. He knew the Reapers were coming, this peace was short-lived, and he didn't know what to do.
He was typing before he knew what he was doing.
A message to Shepard.
Hey Shepard,
Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. The doctors say I'm still not ready to be released, but I'd really like to see you if you can spare the time.
Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about whether or not I should accept. Stop by my room at the hospital when you're on the Citadel. I'd like your advice.
Thanks,
Kaidan.
It was instinct to push send right away, and that was what he did. He often second guessed whatever he wrote so he developed this habit of sending it as soon as it was done, no proof-reading, anything. It was instinct and he regretted it as soon as he hit send, reading it over afterward, but there was little he could do about it now.
He had no right to ask anything of Shepard, after all. He doubted the man, accused him of horrible things, walked away when he should have stayed…
He still wasn't sure why. The hospital gave him time to think, but not time enough to develop the answers he needed. He felt betrayed on Horizon, sure, but why accuse Shepard of such things? And on Mars? Why basically call him a husk himself? What more could Shepard do to prove himself?
He'd saved humanity by taking out the Collectors. He could have left Kaidan to die on Mars. Instead he not only brought him here to be treated, but came to visit while he was unconscious, to make sure he got the help he needed.
Doubt was a horrible feeling, but it still gnawed in his gut.
It wasn't of Shepard's loyalty this time… but the why of it.
Was Shepard being nice to him out of a sense of duty… or friendship?
Kaidan couldn't blame him if it was only the former these days. He turned his back on Shepard when the man needed him, let him do a suicide mission alone, walked away when he should have stayed…
Friendship wasn't part of this equation anymore.
He didn't know how to fix it. Didn't know if he could, and that just made it so much worse.
It was like watching the Normandy explode all over again.
A/N: And there's that. Short-ish. I have the next 2 chapters finished. I'm debating if I want to keep this going after the Citadel Coup or leave it off there. If I do it longer there will probably be AU elements 'cause... blech to doing canon dialogue and storyline all the time. Most of my other stories are AU anyway. Blech. Anyway, thanks for reading and PLEASE REVIEW, this is my first attempt at this :) Thanks!
~Muffy the Dough Slayer~
