Megaman X7: The Parody
By LazerTH
For Hannah
Author's note:
I finally got my hands on Megaman X7. The rest is history.
888
Zero finished his twentieth cigarette for the night. He hated cold, damp nights, especially those spent in places he would rather forget. Coughing, he dropped the butt onto the oily black asphalt, grinding it beneath his heel as was human custom. He jumped onto the wreckage, one of many vehicle graveyards blocking the broken freeway that wound through the littered centre of Neo Tokyo like a black mamba.
"I can't believe I'm back here again," he grated in the low rasping voice emerging from his shredded throat. Spitting black tar onto the crumpled hood of a truck, he unsheathed his Z-Saber, touching the end of his twenty-first cig to the blade whose edge was half the temperature of the sun. He inhaled, and could feel the tar coating his voice generation system. Coughing, he hit a puddle running, his Z-Saber the only light along the lonely road.
But he was not alone. There were the mechaniloids.
From the old age of the twenty first century into the dawn of the twenty second, his sword had cut a swath through the mechaniloid infestation of this planet, Earth.
But it was never enough. Like roaches, they refused to die out, hiding in the gutters of the planet, rebuilding their dead and constructing ever more from the junk left behind by the Maverick Wars. Zero had survived all six thus far, sometimes winning them single-handedly, and so he was the highest-ranked Maverick Hunter to walk the Earth.
He never knew rest. He never knew peace; only battle, and that was his purpose upon this ravaged planet that begged for healing.
"Roller droids."
The small round metallic spheres unfurled slender legs and pranced towards him in slow, measured steps. To satisfy their curiosity, he cut them apart with nary a pause in his stride. In response to the hostile encounter, bigger ones rolled along the highway to greet him, each boasting a small plasma blaster that could blow a human apart with one shot. With practiced ease, he hit the shots right back at them, destroying them all.
Now that they knew a Hunter was among them, the mechaniloids in this area sent their most powerful weapon against him: the Bee Copters; so named for their telltale bumblebee colours and design. Grunting with annoyance, Zero ran to meet them. They were outdated, recycled relics from the first Maverick War, but at the time they seemed like a good idea. They had a nifty spotlight, machine gun and huge rotor blades to keep them aloft. The first Bee Copter captured him in the spotlight and fired, but Zero had done this before. Moreover, his optic sensors could detect the individual movements of the rotor blades and just how fast they were moving.
He was faster. Leaping above the whirring blades, he swung downward. The rotor blades sliced into his sword and melted just as fast, spinning off into the night while the Bee Copter crashed. The next copter fired its guns before locking onto him properly, so he dashed under the hail of bullets, holding up his Z-Saber while he ran, letting it burn through the soft underbelly of the mechaniloid. The oil running through its moving parts caught fire, and the whole thing exploded while Zero continued running.
"Oh, what a night. Late December back in 2063…"
Jumping over the missing sections of the freeway while dispatching more Roller droids, he threw his Z-Saber at the last Bee Copter hovering in his way. The glowing green blade knifed through the body of the mechaniloid, zipping cleanly out the other side. Zero dash-boosted under the thing as it died, catching his sword on the other side.
"Out of the way!! Out of the way!!" he heard a kid's voice yelling behind him. Zero whirled around to meet some spiky-haired punk with bright, sky-blue orbs decorating his dark blue chest and helmet. For one so deceptively young, he had an ugly X-shaped scar over the bridge of his nose, and was running like hell.
"Who're you, kid?" Zero demanded, keeping pace with the fleeing reploid.
"Are you stupid? You'll get killed if you wait around here!" the punk berated him, making Zero even madder. The Hunter reached out to grab an arm, yanking the punk off his feet and slamming him into the road.
"I want to know what you're running from."
The punk pointed a finger behind Zero, and there was a massive Scorpion mechaniloid looming over them.
"I want a full explanation when this is over!" Zero growled, dropping the punk to grip his saber with both hands. The punk scuttled away while the Scorpion chased Zero along the freeway, firing huge plasma bursts from its hooked tail that Zero deflected back at it, eventually destroying the stinger. This made the Scorpion mad, and it stampeded towards Zero, breaking apart abandoned trucks and cars with blind fury.
"Never hunt a Hunter!" Zero shouted, meeting the mechaniloid with saber extended, driving it into the armoured head. He dashed away as the Scorpion detonated, caught up with the punk, and slapped huge heavy handcuffs on him specially designed for reploids.
"Where did you keep these things?" the punk protested, trying to pull free. Zero clapped a hand on his shoulder, sheathing his Z-Saber, and put out his cigarette stub on the punk's spiky head.
"OW! What'd you do that for!?"
"Alia keeps disintegrating my cigarettes when I teleport, and to answer your first question, I hide them in my ample, golden ponytail. Let's get your troublemaking ass back to HQ."
888
Within the ultramodern facility of Maverick Hunter HQ the commander, Signas, greeted Zero.
"Who's this punk?"
Popping a fresh cig from the pack, Zero shoved the punk forward.
"Speak, urchin."
Glowering at the tall, broad commander, he obeyed.
"My name's Axl. I ran away from Red Alert."
Signas raised a metallic eyebrow. Zero stood beside Signas, blowing smoke into Axl's face.
"That explains why a high-class mechaniloid was chasing you in the middle of nowhere. Why are you important to them, Axl? Your winning smile? Your roguish good looks?"
Axl glared at Zero.
"I've had enough of you! I want to speak to Commander X!"
Feeling hurt, Signas walked away mumbling, "Nobody cares about me anymore." Meanwhile, Zero raised X on the comm. device built into his head.
"Our new orphan from Red Alert wants to speak to the big pussy."
"I am NOT a pussy! Bring him to my office!"
"Follow me, kid, and for the love of Marlboro Man, don't say the word 'Maverick'."
"Why shouldn't I…"
Zero put out the cig on his spiky head.
"OW! Okay! Okay!"
Zero nudged him down the corridor, giving a rattling phlegm-filled sigh as he raided his pack for more.
"I waste more good smokes that way."
