Disclaimer: The "Sailor Moon" setting and characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Toei, &c. I'm just borrowing them briefly, please don't sue.

Author's Note: The plotbunnies have eaten my brain. Try not to take it too seriously.


A Brief History of Time: Foreword

Things have finally calmed down back on Earth, now that whole affair with the Black Moon types is over and the rebuilding is nearing completion, and I think the queen has had a little too much time on her hands. Or maybe she's been trying to find something to keep her mind off the fact that her daughter is back in the twentieth century, going through she-knows-exactly-what. In any case, the other day she contacted me in order to start asking questions about what it's like to have my particular duties.

I really don't know what she wanted me to say. I mean, the Door pretty much just sits there whether I watch it or not. Every now and then some idiot decides to try to mess with the orderly flow of time and I deal with them. (Nobody better mention Wiseman at this point. That was different.) All in all, it's just...tedious. A normal person could only play find-shapes-in-the-mists for so long before they went out of their mind, but fortunately I have a slightly...different perspective on time.

But I digress. (Get used to it.)

I managed to come up with some cryptic nonsense that made her happy enough that she went back to whatever she was supposed to be doing (doesn't she have a kingdom to be running?) and left me alone. I'd hoped it was over at that point, but a while later I got a call from Miranda, and got to listen to Uranus rant about a similar call she got from the queen.

"What is it like to guard the outer solar system? What is it like?!" I hadn't turned the screens on, but I knew from experience that at this point Uranus would be turning alternately pink and pale. "It's boring as hell, that's what it is! It's about the loneliest, most tedious duty known to man and senshi alike, and she wants to know what it's like? If she really wants to know, maybe she should go find an empty asteroid and listen to herself breathe for a few centuries, because it's the loudest sound on the entire damn planet, and there's nothing better to do!"

"She's just curious, Haruka." Sometimes it was nice to have her around – the more irritated she got, the easier it was for me to stay calm. It helps me to keep this reputation of being utterly unflappable that I somehow earned over the years. (That and the booze. But that's another story.) "She may have grown up, but she's still Usagi at heart."

"Hah! She still should know better than that," the blonde senshi retorted, with a snort of disgust. "She's not an idiot, no matter how much she likes to pretend otherwise. I don't know what's going on with this sudden interest in things that should never have interested her, but I don't think it bodes well."

I made the appropriate sympathetic noises and disconnected the call as quickly as I could. (I livedwith Haruka for years, I've had enough of that.) But I still wondered about Serenity's sudden fascination with the outer system. I don't know what she could want to hear. There's this whole mystique about the "senshi of the outer solar system" and whatnot, but really? Not that interesting. We're just sentries at the outposts, but since we don't hang out at home base like the others everyone gets the idea that there's something to hide.

We did explain that to her, once, during the whole Death Busters thing, but I suspect her attention wasn't quite on what we were saying at the time; there were a few other things going on then. Essentially, we sit. And wait. And there's a whole lot of nothing going on. Uranus and Neptune occasionally get to deal with invaders wandering in (whatever you do, though, don't mention the Starlights or Galaxia to them – they really do a good job most of the time) and I stare at the Door. At least those two can double up at Miranda or Triton, if they want. There isn't anyone else out here. But I generally don't bring that up, because nobody wants a pity party. Everyone's situation sucks in one way or another.

Come to think of it, though, Saturn is probably much better off in many ways – she just sleeps through most everything. I suppose that knowing that the entire reason for your existence is as a weapon of last resort isn't the most reassuring thing, however. I just hope she gets to have some good dreams to make up for it.

But. I think I'm finally starting to approach my point, several hundred words later. Serenity's curiosity made me start to think. Everyone's so fascinated with us because they don't know us. I'm sure that if they realized the truth behind our duties, they'd lose interest very quickly.

I can't speak for Uranus and Neptune, since we historically never kept in close contact (this more recent setup is unusual, and mostly because of Serenity – who basically creates exceptions to rules just by the fact that she is who she is) but I know what I've been doing for the last several eons. And hey, I have time to spare. (Laugh, dammit.)

So here you go. History according to the oldest senshi in the system, who is pretty damned old, if I do say so myself. Make of it what you will.

I'll deny writing it to my dying day, though. Just so you know.