Ask Mrs. Bitters!

Mrs. Bitters sets up an advice column in the newspaper!

(I can never agree with her....but she's quite fun to write for!)


Q: Mrs. Bitters, help! My mom always makes me a yummy peanut butter sandwitch for lunch, but she always puts the jelly piece on the wrong

side. What do I do?

A: YOU STUPID, STUPID DOOMED LITTLE GIRL! EVER THINK OF TURNING THE RIDICULOUS SANDWITCH UPSIDE DOWN?! WEEEELLLLL?!


Q: Dear Mrs. Bitters, Oh, no! My mom says unless my Math grade picks up, I won't be allowed to go to Summer Camp! What do I do?

A: That's meaningless. Your existance is meaningless. You're meaningless.


Q: Quick Question, Mrs. Bitters. Do you believe the phrase "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink?"

A: As a matter of fact, I do, but I believe it needs some elaboration. I believe you should add, "But you can also make him drown. And when you

remind him of that, he'll probably be willing to drink."


Q: Dear Mrs. Bitters, I'm single and desperate. How do I score with the ladies?

A: Seeing as the world will eventually implode in on itself in a fiery ball of grease, you might as well enjoy singlehood while there's anything to

enjoy in this world.


Q: Can you give me a bit of daily wisdom, Mrs. B?

A: Certainly. Never insult anyone holding a bag of dog doo and a tennis racket.


Q: Do you believe in predicting the future, Mrs. Bitters?

A: I do! I do it with the yuck that's left in my hot chocolate after I drink it. If you see a heart in the yuck, it symbolizes love. If you see a tree, it

means you will live a long life.

If you see a pot of gold, you'll be very lucky soon. If you see a dead fly, well, that could quite possibly mean you'll be buying your hot chocolate

somewhere else in the future.


Q: Mrs. Bitters, how do I tell the jerks in my life to leave me alone?

A: Forgive them after you bury them alive. But be sure to wish them a good day like the worthless squirrels they are.


Q: Dear me! Mrs. B, I'm so embarrased! Every time I invite my friends over for tea, they see all the cat hair on my couch! What do I do?

A: Simple, you doomed clod. QUIT INVITING PEOPLE TO YOUR HOUSE!


Q: Mrs. Bitters, how do you feel about people in general?

A: In general? I think you're all generally rotten.

Maybe that's a little harsh.... I Love Everybody. Except You, Pinheads.


Q: What's your opinion about school?

A: It's skool, you little idiot, and skool prepares you for the real world, which is also a miserable place.


Q: Mrs. Bitters, my boss is so cruel to me, but I need my job. What do I do?

A: Simple. Summon a league of undead pirates and have him call you in the morning. I believe you'll be able to work something out.


Q: Mrs. Bitters, why are you called "Mrs" when you aren't married?

A: I just realized something. I don't care enough to answer your question.


Q: Mrs. Bitters, how does thinking about mankind make you feel? Proud? Upset?

A: Oh? Mankind?

Hating you makes me All warm and fuzzy inside.


Q: Mrs. B, I want to tell my student bullies to stop. What should I tell them to say to people they pick on?

A: Prevent violence. Give me your lunch money.


Q: I think you're the greatest ever, Mrs. Bitters!

A: ......Silence! Thank you for not making me kill you, however.


Q: How do I regulatee my rage, Bitters?

A: Let's Keep Notes On Who infuriates us the most-keep it around when you see them.


Very well, worthless little listeners. Run Along And Die Now. Shoo, shoo.