When I was younger, I liked sunsets because they were pretty. I liked the peace that came with watching them, and I liked the way the colors all blended together and faded slowly to dark and the stars would come out.

I still watch sunsets now, but it's for Johnny. It's because it reminds me of innocence I was once unaware of because my heart still held it. It may have been ignorance, but it was bliss, though I didn't know it at the time. I learned of the innocence, I learned of how good we had it when Darry hit me, when I ran away, when the church caught on fire, when Johnny died and Dally followed. Just because something is painted golden doesn't make it gold.

In the same way, everything seems to be losing its shine. The army was brave and good, protecting our country until it drafted my brother. College was a great opportunity I had in the bag as long as I kept my grades up until grades weren't enough, until I learned just how expensive college was, even with scholarship money. Steve was mean and inhuman until he became an addict due to Soda's absence and eventual death.

Every day, I get up, and I wonder what is going to happen. I worry. I think about all the things that could happen. People could die. I could die. Or things could be good. I could become a better person or do something great. I could save someone's life. Hell. I don't hop out of bed and hurry out of the house so I can do something fun, see people I know. I dwell. And I think. I think too much. I think myself into unhappiness.

It was a vicious cycle, I had learned. As humans, we try to discover and learn more and more and more, always trying to advance, except that for every advance there is a tragedy that coincides. We lose that ignorance which is debatably better. We keep pushing forward to know and see everything we possibly can, only to realize time and time again that for every good thing you see, there are twice as many bad things.

I read a lot, and it seems like so many of the smartest people in the world kill themselves. Hemingway is my favorite example. I'd read anything I could find by him. But there has to be a reason it's that way. There has to be some correlation. The more you know, the worse the world seems, the less and less you feel like it's even worth it.

Sometimes I wonder, if it's that bad, why do we keep going? Why can't we just stop and let well enough alone?

But there it goes again. I'm wondering. I'm thinking. I can never stop thinking. Why can't I ever stop thinking? When I was little, I liked sunsets because they were pretty.

I liked them because they were pretty.

I do not own The Outsiders.