Can you never find that perfect place to take a family vacation?
Try Mordor.
You and your family can stay at the Tower of Barad-dur as guest of Sauron himself. Nice large torture chambers are available for those interested in the honeymoon suite. We do have room service, or as we call it Orc Service. Call the tower for details on the menu of the day; it varies (hobbit brownies with every meal).
In Every room
Sauna
Hot Tub
Leather Straps
A Hobbit's Tale : By Bilbo Baggins (Sauron's Fave)
Replica of One Ring, for last day ring toss on top of Mount Doom

So many things to do in one dark land, with a dark lord ruling. I mean tending to your every need.

Sun bath by the Dead Marshes. (Watch out for the Lights)
Visit Mount Doom and Toss Any Useless Jewelry In
Visit the Large Stone Gardens, don't forget the map
Go to the Black Gate and Pet One of the TWO Cave Trolls we have.
Take a tour of the Uruk-hai and Orc making factory, take one home with you.
WE KNOW ONCE YOU COME; YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE!

Sauron will not be held responsible for death ,dismemberment, torture, harm or any such acts that happen on your stay in Mordor.