Criminal Minds

The Man Behind The Mask

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Summary: This story takes place directly after the events of the Season 5 Episode 2 'Haunted'. Emily is at a crossroads, she has a choice to make. Will it be the right choice? Will she get what she wants…what she so desperately needs?

Today has been a stressful day. It was Aaron's first day back and immediately we all instinctively knew that there was something 'off' about him. He wasn't himself. He wasn't the Aaron that we all knew. We chalked it up to the fact that he had been through a harrowing and traumatic event and had been away from the job for 34 days.

Then things deteriorated throughout the day. He snapped at Penelope implying that she hadn't done her job properly. He was abrupt with the Team. He was uncharacteristically dismissive of the local LEOs and then he told us that this situation couldn't get to the point that Foyet's investigation had.

Then his behavior went from bad to worse. Aaron broke protocol and entered an unsecured house without a vest, without a firearm and without back-up. It was at that point that we all realized that he was acting like a man who had nothing to lose; nothing to live for.

There has been no sign of Foyet and it has been 35 days since Aaron has seen his son. Every day that goes by and Foyet does not kill and expose himself to us, he continues to mock and torture Aaron. Each day without Foyet, Aaron dies a little more completely cut off from Jack.

I know that Derek thinks that Aaron came back too soon. He is worried that because Aaron feels that he has nothing left to live for that he will continue to be a maverick, a cowboy doing his own thing while flagrantly disregarding and disobeying the Bureau's rules all in the name of getting results. The results that we never got with Foyet. Every case going forward will be about Foyet and Aaron. Derek is worried about Aaron. We are all worried about Aaron.

That evening in my apartment I return to what has become my favorite pastime these past few months, I think about these two men; Derek and Aaron. I love both of these men but which one is right for me? Which one do I pursue? Which one will give me what I am looking for? Which one do I risk giving my heart to? The confirmed bachelor with the heart of gold or the quiet, divorced family man who loves his son dearly? They each have their own set of baggage, but I know that I can handle it. Can't I?

So that night, I make my choice. I go to Derek. I feel as though since he sometimes wears his emotions on his sleeve like a badge of honor that I will be able to see beneath his surface. When I ring his doorbell, the door is opened almost immediately. He doesn't look surprised to see me. Was he expecting me? Does he know how I feel about him? Does he feel something for me as well? I walk past him and he closes the door behind me.

Suddenly we are in each other's arms, kissing hungrily, our hands ripping the clothing from our bodies. I barely hear the ripping of the condom packet before he bends me over the arm of the sofa and slams into me. Our coupling is hard and fast and so good. After he pulls from my body, he does something that surprises me; he reverently kisses between my shoulder blades. It is tender gesture.

When I turn he is staring at me with this strange look in his eyes and I sense that he wants to say something, to show me something. He picks me up and carries me to his bedroom. I can feel that it is a big step for him, bringing me into his sanctuary. He lays me on the bed and then he proceeds to worship my body. He turns me over onto my stomach and kneads and kisses the length of my body. He flips me over and then starts at my toes and works his ways up my body, licking and kissing, avoiding my sex and my breasts; the places I am aching for him to touch the most. When he finally pulls one of my nipples into his mouth I cry out in ecstasy and relief at his touch. He spends the time relishing my breasts, tugging and chewing on the pert nipples, dragging his teeth across the hypersensitive peaks, before laving them with his tongue.

He kisses his way down my stomach and down to my sex. It is bare and completely open to him. Will he reciprocate, will he lay himself bare to me; allow me to see all of him? He descends and works me into a frenzy with his tongue and fingers, his gaze locked with mine until I climax, moaning his name.

He climbs back up my body and positions himself at my entrance, looking at me, silently asking my permission. At my nod he pushes into me, slowly, inch by inch. Soon, his length is completely sheathed in my silken embrace and we look at each other in the stillness of the bedroom in the middle of the most intimate of acts. Again, our gazes lock and I feel like I am looking into his soul. His eyes, his beautiful brown eyes, they speak volumes to everyone he has ever met. He shows his emotions in his eyes, will he let me see inside? Will he let me behind his mask? He starts to move within me and all thoughts leave my mind replaced with the pleasure that he brings moving his length in and out of me.

It has been years since I have felt this skin to skin contact, but I had to do it for him, for us. I wanted to feel him, to know him. All of Him. I raise my hips to meet each of his thrusts and soon our rhythm is perfectly in harmony. Still our gazes are locked and then I see a shift in his eyes and he lowers himself, bringing his arms under my shoulders and pulling me as close to himself as possible. I wrap my legs around his waist and he speeds up his thrusts, his body pounding into me. His head is cradled in the crook of my neck my mouth is against his ear, our breaths ragged and loud as we hurtle towards our climaxes.

Let me in, Derek. Let me be the one to see the man behind the mask. I scream silently in my head.

Almost as if he hears me, he lifts his head and brings his lips to mine. The kiss he presses against them is like a butterfly's wing; soft, fleeting and oh so gentle.

Again our gazes lock and I watch as his lips part and then barely a whisper,

"Emily…"

There is so much behind the one sound. There is vulnerability, there is uncertainty, there is resolve, there is hope.

I smile and say, "Derek."

I inject into the one word as much encouragement as I can.

Tell me what you need to tell me. Show me what you need to show me. Take your mask of and show me YOU. I urge him silently.

The sluicing of our sweaty bodies and the slapping of our skin are the only sounds rending the air as our bodies speed up their motion; we are so close and so close. He moves one of his hands from behind me and uses it to lift my left leg over his shoulder. The new position changes the angle at which he pounds into me; now he is reaching deeper than any other man has ever gone. It is my undoing, my body begins to clench around him and then I am hurtling off the edge of the cliff. My orgasm is so powerful, my body lifts to meet his, his last thrusts are deep and strong and then he climaxes with a guttural moan as my walls continue to milk him. He falls against me his head buried in my neck, spent, sated.

Minutes later when our breaths and heartbeats have quieted; he lifts his head to look down at me and I can see that the mask is back, fully in place. The moment of vulnerability is gone. I know now, that I made the wrong choice coming to him. I would not get what I came here for tonight. I will not get it ever. Derek will never let anyone behind his mask; because he wears this mask, not as a shield to prevent you from seeing his emotions. This mask is part of the armor he wears over his entire body to protect himself from others.

Now I truly understand him. The emotions that we see everyday are what he is comfortable showing us; concern, kindness, righteous indignation, anger, fierce protectiveness and the never-ending quest for justice. The deeper emotions like love, trust, vulnerability, weakness, sadness, loneliness - he will never show them to anyone if he has the choice. This is what his past has done to him. This is what Carl Buford has done to him.

I know in this moment as we stare at each other in the aftermath of our lovemaking that I will never see the man behind the mask. He kisses me again, softly. I see the meaning in his eyes. He knows that I understand that he will never let me in. Now he is offering me the choice. Do I want to stay, not have the man behind the mask, but be able to access more than what we see on a daily basis or do I want to leave because I need more? I know myself. I will never be satisfied with just knowing the shell of Derek Morgan; I want all of him or none of him. So for me the choice is clear. I reach up and I kiss him once on each cheek and I know he understands. He eases away from me and I feel him slip from my body. The loss is poignant because of its profound meaning to the two of us at this very moment.

"I…" he begins hesitantly, but I bring my fingers to his lips to silence him.

"I know." I say.

I do know. I know that he really wants to open up to me, but he feels that if he does he loses himself. I understand now and that is why I made my choice. I would rather have him as my friend and my colleague than have a hollow husk of a man in my bed. He rolls to the side and I rise from the bed and make my way into the living room to retrieve my clothing. He watches me dress as he leans against the sofa. The silence is heavy, suffocating, but no words need to be spoken. He pulls on his lounge pants and walks me to the door and then out to my car. As I get behind the wheel, buckle my seatbelt and turn the key in the ignition, he reaches into the open window and runs his finger along my jaw before he leans in and kisses me on the cheek.

"Drive safely." He says and I drive away.

Later as I stand in my shower washing him away, his very essence, his unique scent of honey and sandalwood, I know that I will never forget this night with him. It was the night I came so close to seeing the man behind the mask; but it was not meant to be. The Mask Slipped…Then Was Firmly Back In Place.

A/N: Thanks for reading. I'd appreciate it if you would take the time to review and let me know what you think of the story. Thanks!