Warning: Character bashing. Which ones? All.

This is a parody folks. A parody. I'll make fun of anything that comes to mind, and no one shall be spared (except the characters I forget about).

Thanks to BlueDragonGirl1 for proofing the story.

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Prelude and Character Placement, Part 1

Welcome to the wild and wacky world of Naruto! In this world Sasuke has apparently not left for Orochimaru for whatever reason or perhaps this is set before Sasuke leaves and after Naruto and Jiraiya brought back Tsunade to be the new Hokage. Whichever way, it creates lots of discrepancies in the Naruto time line that the author doesn't care to explain any further then this. So deal.

Now, this story starts on a nice sunny, cloud free day, because we know that's the only weather suitable for our heros' village. God knows how Shikamaru has managed to make cloud watching his hobby.

At any rate, we also start off with Naruto at that Ramen shack, of course, because where else would he be? Training? Ha! Judging by the bowls he is on his tenth serving, because ten is a nice round number. Though two and four are also nice numbers, and slightly more realistic, ten shows his ramen obsession better, even though in the series it probably never showed him eating more then two or three bowls at a time.

Where were we? Oh yes! Naruto at the ramen shack gorging himself on ramen when Sasuke walked up and sat beside him. They exchanged manly grunts with each other to a) acknowledge each other or, more likely, b) insult each other in man talk. They waited in silence for Kakashi to show up and start their day of training. What happened to the normal meeting spot? After two hours of 'pleeeeeeeease' and Naruto's watering blue eyes even the copy ninja will fall.

A three hour wait later (and twenty more bowls of ramen, how, God, how hasn't his stomach exploded!) Kakashi finally showed up.

"You're late!" shouted Naruto and Sakura, who had showed up at some point but that wasn't important enough to mention. After all, she doesn't have cool powers, a demon, or an overly tragic past. She's just normal, and who the hell likes normal?

"Ah, sorry. I woke up this morning and thought that I didn't want to deal with Sasuke's bitchyness, Naruto's stupidity and Sakura's uselessness."

"…" said Sasuke.

"…" said Naruto.

"…" said Sakura.

"The hell!" said Inner-Sakura

Kakashi closed his one eye and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, I mean 'I got lost on the road of life'."

"...Liar!" yelled Naruto and Sakura.

"…" Sasuke said, because apparently he didn't read or socialize often as a child and as such never developed his vocabulary.

-

Now the author will skip the actual training since the only ninja training that ninjas seem to do involves kicking or hitting stationary objects or fighting each other. Option one sounds boring to write, and option two is impossible seeing how the author doesn't know how to write actions scenes. To summarize it: Sasuke did perfect in everything then acted smug afterwards, Sakura did nothing and swooned over Sasuke (despite her promise during the Chuunin exam to not be left behind anymore), Naruto acted stupid and fell down a lot and Kakashi wished he had stayed in bed.

As this ended Kakashi quickly said his good byes and got the hell out of there, heading to the nearest bar to go on a binger and wonder why the hell he passed this team.

"Sasuke-kuun," Sakura said in a voice whinier then her actual anime voice, "want to go out?" she asked, blushing slightly at the thought of him and her out on a romantic dinner.

"No," was Sasuke's response, even though he hadn't actually heard Sakura's question, nor did he hear Naruto trying to get Sakura to go out with him instead. In fact, the full sentence was 'No! There's no good reflective surfaces around here!'. Only the 'no' made it out and came out in an uncaring tone (though he did care greatly) because his voice didn't seem to have any tones other then 'angry' and 'uncaring'.

Why didn't the rest of the sentence come out? Well, as previously stated, Sasuke doesn't have much of a vocabulary.

And why was he upset about there not being any reflective surfaces? Well, as many of you fine readers may have noticed, Sasuke is a megalomaniac. When Kakashi was first asking about the team Sasuke lied when he said he didn't like anything. In fact, he enjoyed looking good very much. He wakes up at least an hour earlier then Sakura (the slacker!) in order to prepare for the day. Making sure every bit of skin is clean, every hair in place and every crease in his cloths screaming 'angst'. He enjoys the way he looks very much, but stating this fact would be very uncool.

It may have even dropped the number of swooning girls by .07 which would mean .07 less people boosting his already enormous ego. The only threats to his absolute superiority in looks was his brother, who he would soon kill, and one Hyuga Neji.

And why hadn't Sasuke done anything to the Hyuga in order to end this threat to his person? Because while the Hyuga is good looking, he has often been mistaken for a girl, unlike Sasuke. Until the Hyuga's gender is no longer confusing to tell, Sasuke is still on top.

At this thought Sasuke smirked (causing Sakura to swoon and Naruto to grumble) and wandered off in search of a reflective surface so he could make sure his three bottles of hairspray were still holding (when you're this hot, who cares about the environment?).

After refusing to go out with Naruto for the tenth time in six minutes, Sakura went off to see if Ino had finished with training so she could brag about all that Sasuke had done that day. Meanwhile, Naruto decided to train more so that he'd be able to beat Sasuke during the next days training, thus impressing Sakura. But not likely to happen.

---

Well, enough of the bastard, the fan girl and the idiot, commonly known as 'Team Seven', but more commonly known as 'the bastard, the fan girl and the idiot'. Let us move on to another team. A team that holds two of Sasuke's rivals and some random girl.

Tenten: Hey!

They were waiting in their normal meeting spot, which for some reason was like the same place where Team Seven meets up, only the bridge and stream were bigger (current score: 53-52 my eternal rival!). Wait until Gai finds out they've got a new meeting spot.

Neji, Lee and the random girl,

Tenten: Hey!

waited patiently for their beloved teacher to show up...Well, Lee was waiting patiently for his beloved teacher to show up (while doing some sit ups to start off the day), Neji was thinking of new ways to make fun of Lee, and Tenten

Tenten: removes kunai from the authors' throat

was wishing she were in a team where the teacher at least recognized that he did, indeed, have a third student.

"Hello, my youthful students!" Gai shouted, too loud and bright for this time of the morning, as he appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee shouted, as equally loud and bright.

"Hello Gai-sensei," Neji and Tenten drawled, sounding like they'd rather be telling him off.

"Well, my beloved student-er-students! It's time to start another day of training in this, your glorious spring time of life!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee shouted.

Tenten mumbled something under her breath and Neji simply declined to respond. And then they were off to their training spot, which is quite a walk from where they were. There is another bridge just a stones throw away from the training grounds, but it's smaller then Kakashi's team bridge. He, of course, covered up the real reason for their meeting place by telling his loving student(s) that walking was good exercise.

Once they got to their training spot, Lee and Gai went of to train together, which made Neji and Tenten wonder why they bother showing up at all. So they went to a smaller clearing about a minutes walk away to start their own training. Which involve Tenten taking to the trees and throwing sharp, pointy things at Neji. Neji then proceed to use his fine moves to avoid all the weapons. But Tenten was already good at throwing weapons so really she should be training in strength or endurance or something, and Neji was good at blocking weapons so he should be training in... something that deflates his ego at least.

About an hour later Lee came over to Neji and Tenten's training area and challenged Neji to a fight. Does he ever challenge Tenten to a fight? Does it matter?

After the embarrassing defeat of Lee by Neji, Lee fell into a funk. Which made Neji and Tenten shake their heads. Honestly, Neji would have liked to roll his eyes, but no one would be able to tell.

"Do not fear Lee!" Gai bellowed as he went over to his favorite student, "It is still your springtime of youth! With hard work and perseverance you shall one day defeat your rival!"

"Oh, Gai-sensei!" Lee proclaimed, his eyes watering like he was a female in a crappy shoujo series.

"Lee!" Gai responded, his eyes watering as well.

"Hey," Neji said, sounding irritated, "don't I at least get a 'congratulations'?"

Lee enthusiastically stood up from his previous slouched position, "I will now work my body into exhaustion, despite the fact that over working the muscles the way I do without taking breaks is bound to tear the muscles to pieces, hence making one weaker, not stronger! I could have been strong enough to defeat Gaara of the Dessert if only I had taken a damn day off to let my body rest and heal, but oh well! Hind sight is twenty-twenty! Now! Back to overworking myself!"

"Uh...Lee?" Tenten started, wondering why her teammate never bothers listening to his own observations. But she could get no further as Gai-sensei and Lee had entered into another scene that really only lovers should be in. -the world collectively shudders at the thought of Gai/Lee-

The character not even worthy of a last name sighed and wondered if any of the teachers in Konoha were actually qualified to teach. Well, back to throwing everything including the kitchen sink at Neji. For no other reason then maybe one day she'll actually hit the arrogant jerk.

And that finishes our journey with the other bastard and the workaholic.

Tenten: Ehm-hmm.

Oh, and um, the girl...Tenten.

Tenten: sighs

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This is my second try at a comedy. My last one failed utterly. I normally don't ask for reviews, but if you wouldn't mind telling what did or didn't work for you, I'd be really grateful.

Slam me horribly, and I'll smile and say 'thanks'.

Next chapter: Prelude and Character Placement, part 2