Trump Part 1

Alfred wanted to bang his head against a wall until he broke through it.

He loved his people- he really did!- but sometimes, he was ready to "accidentally" press the metaphorical Red Button. The massive headaches Alfred got during any major event where his people had a choice to make would be the end of him. Especially during catastrophes like the upcoming election.

Usually, Alfred was really into the amount of freedom his citizens had, especially their freedom to vote. Getting a new President was always a pleasure (mostly for the laughs he would get upon the President's reaction to the revelation of the human personification of America), the debates were interesting, his people's commitment to him shown bright, and the challenges to priorities and world-views was healthy for everyone.

With this upcoming election, however, Alfred was ready to blow his top. Why? For one very obvious, short-fingered reason.

Donald Trump. Just the name was enough to piss Alfred off. The neo-Nazi asshat was running for President and actually getting supporters. What the hell was everyone thinking?! How could his people turn against each other like tha-

Civil War. Right…

But how could they be so blind to the absolute atrocity that was the inconsiderate, intolerant, inconsistent, ignorant, and-a-bunch-of-other-rude-words-that-are-nearly-synonymous-and-start-with-"I", douchebag that was Donald Trump?

Alfred expected more from his people than this narrow-minded bilgesnipe trash.

Honestly, it wasn't like Trump had been subtle with the blatant racism and sexism he almost constantly spewed; The dumbass's idea to build a wall between Alfred and Mexico really agitated Alfred, who enjoyed the friendship he had with his neighbor; and he didn't even want to think about the absolute impoverished wasteland his economy would become if that unscrupulous snozzwanger came to control.

Plus the utter hypocrisy of deportation - actually, now that Alfred was thinking of hypocrisy, basically all of Trump's campaign was hypocritical - because, really, to force someone seeking a better life in the place of refuge and freedom he, America, was supposed to be? Could there be a stronger contradiction?

His citizens must have forgotten their ancestors were once in the same position as the immigrants they were currently trying to deport from his borders, forgotten that America was born from a few English ships that sailed across the ocean blue to establish colonies of religious freedom.

Now Alfred was getting nostalgic.

Seriously though, fuck Trump and his treatment of Alfred's precious cinnamon rolls for citizens. Alfred's people mattered. ALL OF THEM. Trump's egotistical flat ass could not, apparently, grasp that every soul was important and should be treated equally. Alfred should have expected that from the Single-Brain-Cell-That-Can-Walk.

Though Alfred understood the southern colloquialism, "you can't fix stupid," the utter idiocy of Donald Trump still made him want to bash a cartoon-ish, head shaped hole through a wall.

Well, at least he could console himself by stealing Trump Campaign signs. You can't arrest the United States of America, after all!

Omake

Alfred had been in prison since noon.

It was now three o' clock and he was bored to death.

A nameless and faceless police officer strolled up to the cell Alfred was in and beckoned the country forward as he unlocked the door.

"Call for you."

Alfred eagerly rushed to the phone and began babbling before the receiver had reached his ear.

"HEY MR. PRESIDENT, I don't know what they told you but those signs totally are not campaign posters that I stole because let me tell you they ATTACKED me! Jumped right through my windows and wouldn't leave me alone until I locked them in my trunk and it may have looked like I was stealing that last one before I was arrested but I was just taking the poor, escaped signs home where they belonged even if there were about a hundred of them. Also when is my ride gonna be here because I'm don't know what I'll die of first: boredom or hunger. So, like, if you can send a driver with a burger that wou-"

"I'm not bailing you out Alfred."

"Sorry, dude. I didn't hear you right, haha. What was that?"

"I am not bailing you out, Alfre-"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT BAILING ME OUT? YOU CAN'T ARREST THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! THIS IS TREASON!"

"You're right, the police cannot arrest the United States of America. However, they can arrest Alfred F. Jones. Consider this your punishment. Goodnight, Alfred. Oh, wait, one last thing: you should have said something to me about your plan. Joe and I changed the WiFi password to "ILoveMexicanWomen" in case Trump got in and would totally have been up for shutting down a few blocks of street cameras for you to grab some posters. That's what you get for dissing the Prez."

Click.

…..

….

"Sheeeeeeeiiiit."