A/N: got this cute (or, really, horrifying and angsty) idea by reading the lifestream black and white chapter of on the way to a smile. I'm optimistic it'll be a hit.. or just desperate for reviews because I'm really bored and like reading them…. its also inspired a little by kingdom hearts, and nightcored linkin park songs… and Sanctuary by Hikaru Utada...

this takes place a year before- and all the way through ACC, ignores DOC in part(sorry Vincent- I still love you, but the deep ground crisis and a living Sephiroth… not a good mix DX), and is slightly AU-ish. ships: Vincretia, Clerith, Zerith, RudeXTifa, and onesided clincent? crappy ship name -_-... but I like that ship a little… cidXshera… and elenaXtseng

So um, enjoy and review,onegai? n_n

I don't own a thing…. except my fucked up brain…

"If I smile, and don't believe

soon, I know I'll wake from this dream

Don't try to fix me- I'm not broken

Hello I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide

Don't cry"

-Evanescence, Hello

"I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my friends, and not my family."

Dust settled quietly on a creaky wood floor, old planks emitting clusters of musty smelling dirt like so much smoke from a stove. The goldish light of the afternoon sun filtered in from the jagged hole in the arched ceiling, and all spectra of color glistened off of the detailed stained glass of the sparse windows to illuminate the circle of amber colored flowers, and the blonde currently sitting crosslegged in front of them. Out of his reach, though only slightly, lay a small cell phone, which he glanced at warily. He was torn. He half considered throwing it out, and half wanted to keep it and run all the way back to edge. He shook his head.

"I can't pretend anymore. Tifa just isn't Aerith, and I'm not getting anywhere trying to forget how I felt." He whispered to himself despairingly. Memories of the brunnette mentioned flooded his mind. her concerned face when he fell through the roof of the same church where he currently sat, her smile as they walked around that park, her convincing him into a dress, the way the lights of the gondola ride at gold saucer reflected off of her hair. And just as suddenly flash the memory of seeing her smile contentedly then freeze forever as six feet of tempered steel impaled her from behind. In flashes not unlike snapshots of a camera, the memory continued to show snippets of itself- a glimpse of silver here, those startling cat-like eyes, and the man's smirk as he he drove the sword further. Shaking hands reached up to cover wavering blue eyes.

"Seems I was worried over nothing, as if you could ever forget me." Came the voice, sounding like silk sliding over water. Cloud's eyes snapped open. In a blur of motion the blonde was on his feet, casting wary glances around the empty pews. "Looking for someone? some would think you paranoid, the way you are acting." Cloud felt a leather clad hand rest on his shoulder, and heard the unmistakable rustling of feathers. His wide eyed gazed was cast downward, to examine the mossy floor board in feigned disinterest, hoping it was just his restless imagination conjuring the one-winged angel, not the man himself back from the grave for the second time. It wouldn't be the only occasion when such a hallucination plagued his mind. Of course, the other times didn't involve him hearing things in his mind, so he cautiously began to peek upwards to confirm. "Oh for the love of…" He felt gloved fingertips ensnare his jaw and jerk his face around. The second his azure orbs locked onto the murky green of the other, he blinked them closed. Slowly, he pried his eyes open, blinking again in disbelief. When the taller man remained after three consecutive attempts to clear his vision, broad shouldered arms crossed and lips twitched up in amusement, he stepped back in shock.

"No… you can't be…" His eyes widened, and he frantically searched the room for fusion, mentally slapping himself when he remembered leaving it on fenrir. "Shi-" He paused before he finished uttering the swear to get in a defensive stance.

"Calm down." It was an order, Cloud realized as his limbs seemed to relax on their own. His breath calmed without his consent.

"Stop doing that." He stuttered, angry and confused. Was he still susceptible to that?

"Stop doing what, Cloud?" Came Sephiroth's gloating reply.The blonde shuddered at the emphasis on his name.

"Making me do things like that!" He suppressed the bad memories threatening to surface, as well as a bit of bile. There was a shift of old leather, and the softer sound of a waterfall of hair changing location. Sapphire eyes shifted to see the the other man's smug expression.

"I would, if you'd actually obey anything I said normally." He made a tsking sound with tongue."And, tell me, how many times that same control saved your life?" When the shorter male didn't answer, he continued, smirking at the other's sullen look. "Even so, I'm amazed I can still use that like this."

"Like that?" The spiky haired man intoned quietly.

"You mean to say you haven't noticed? I'm a ghost, Cloud." Af if to prove his point, his form gave a spectral flicker. "I finally regained enough strength to leave the lifestream, and I have other plans in action to secure a body for myself. Currently, I'm more concerned with the plans I have set for you." He let the implications roll of his words, and sink in.

"What are you going to make me do?" The question sounded almost resigned, as though he'd accepted and come to terms with this already.

"Plenty, in time. Currently, extract a copy of my memories I left locked in your subconscious." At the confusion that filmed over blue eyes, the ex-general explained further. "In order to maintain shape in the lifestream, one has to focus only on one concept, or idea related to themselves. All other thoughts and memories are swept away.

"And your object of focus was me." The younger guessed. The older chuckled.

"Very good. Yes, because I knew you would also act as an anchor by obsessively reminding yourself of my existence, that you would be unable to forget anything pertaining to me." He cooed, reaching up a hand to rest on the twenty-two year old's cheek, who proceeded to turn away in shame. Then stopped, feeling the others hand pinch lightly in warning. Blue eyes the met green for a few seemingly endless minutes. On the outside, nothing appeared to take place, but internally the memories in question were moving between the two.

"Is that all you wanted?" The blonde uttered, sighing as the beginnings of a headache formed in his mind.

"In a hurry to get rid of me?" The silver haired man chided/teased. "I still have to reward you for being so compliant."

"Not interested." THe blonde started to walk away, only find the other in front of him, and holding his arm. There, right under where the calamity's son held his finger, an angry blotch of brown was forming. Geostigma? Cloud's head snapped up.

"Its not going to kill you, so you can calm down. Get used to seeing me around a lot more often, trust me, this is not the last visit I will pay to anywhere you happen to be."

"Wait, I have a question." The other raised one white eyebrow in curiosity.

"Well, then ask me so I can provide an answer. I'm a bit rushed for time at the moment." The older of the two hissed out in a condescending manner.

"Back at north crater, when my memories were still jumbled, why did you lie about me being a failure?" At the amusement and victory in the former general's gaze he added, "Reno told me something last week about a file on Hojo's old computer, that they dug up from the rubble."

"I dislike the fact that anyone bothered to salvage any of that man's research." He grumbled

"Like it or not, that man is your father. But I understand any animosity towards him." The blonde shuddered. "I hate him for similar reasons anyway."

"Don't remind me about that detail, don't even mention him again. I won't hesitate to cause more pain than you can even imagine through that." He pointed to the stigma he'd left on the blonde's arm. "As for your question, I had three reasons. Even with the delusions you had at the time, I knew your mind would accept the failure idea more. If only do to your complete lack of faith in yourself. Technically, I was talking to the part of Zack's spirit that was acting as you- he was the failure in this case, because I knew that the real you would resurface if I did. Naturally, I was also hoping a certain scientist we both despise would fall over with a heart attack when you told him. It is highly unfortunate that he didn't. "They both grimaced.

"That would've made two things I'm glad you did if it had worked. Currently the list only includes killing President shinra in his office." He looked ashamed of even thinking this, let alone uttering it aloud.

"I'm certain there are a few more things on that list." Came the response as the once respected man faded from sight.

Cloud picked up his phone, mind made up over his earlier dilemma. He couldn't worry the others with this, or dare to put them in danger- he knew they'd all try to help, and likely end up in the crossfire of something he hadn't foreseen. Not to mention, his growing aversion to anything that had a connection to TIfa. The guilt was still too strong to deal with, he couldn't deal with with her obvious affections at the moment. But he didn't want to leave all connection behind, so he pocketed his phone and mentally wished Aerith a goodbye, looking sorrowfully at the flowers as he walked out the doors. His boots even seemed to convey a sense of finality as they clunked along the ground. He climbed into the sun-warmed seat of Fenrir absentmindedly, and drove instinctually to a location he'd chosen subconsciously. Cloud couldn't help but smile inspite of himself at the familiar cliff face. He slid down from the motorcycle soundlessly, and made his way over to kneel next to the sword his friend had entrusted to him at death. Not feeling the need to say anything to the once understanding and hyperactive man that had wielded it before him. He knew Zack would have simply smiled at him and teased him out of his depressed state, had he still been alive.

He absently drew in the dirt of the exact spot where he had failed to protect his friend, where the other had breathed his last. Looking down, he noticed that his hands had unwillingly scribbled in the sand. Living Legacy. He smiled grimly, and looked away before the guilt set in. He hadn't even been able to keep that promise.

"I'm sorry Zack." He whispered dejectedly. "I even managed to fail you." He drove off, not even realizing that a wolf had sat behind to watch him leave. He decided to head to the place where the others would least expect to find him, and with that took off for the other continent, to return to the place he once called home, irrationally afraid he might find it burning once again, but determined none the less to make his way there.

He wound up staying the night in costa del sol, in the vacation home he'd purchased a year ago. Now it was more of a safe house, with blocked windows and non-perishable food, for whenever he travelled out for deliveries. Speaking of which, his cell was buzzing in his pocket- he assumed it was Tifa calling to tell him about a job moving someone's mail out for them, or bring a package to a friend of theirs. Shrugging it off, he waited until the ringing ceased, and a ding alerted him off a new voicemail. He picked it up to listen, for something to do while he cooked some of the canned soup he's stashed in a cupboard. Tifa's voice rang out over the speaker.

"Just wanted to let you know that Reno called today.

Said he has to talk to you, and that he's in healen with

a friend or someone who has something urgent, he wouldn't

say who it was, or what they had. I hope you're careful out

there."

He snapped his phone shut with a flick, and turned around. "Even more reason to leave." he shook his head in frustration. "I wonder who he has with him though." The blonde muttered to himself in exasperation for a handful of seconds about Reno's horrible timing.

"Leaving, hm? And where exactly are you planning on staying?" came a familiar baritone voice from behind. Cloud turned around to face the specter.

"Nibelheim. Or, the rebuilt rendition of it. No one would look there, because its too painful for me emotionally." He closed his eyes. "Well, other than you no one would."

"Your friend who's possessed by chaos just might." The silver haired man pointed out. "He hid there for several years despite the dislike he felt for what happened to him there."

"You mean, how much he resented your birth" The blonde stated.

"And the puppet suddenly realizes he has a mouth." the taller man chuckled. "Are you actually trying to be make me laugh?"

"No. And stop calling me that, it makes me think of that time when we got sucked into that fake world to fight Chaos and Cosmos's war for them." He paused to think. "Not that you actually did anything to help chaos."

"I was preoccupied with helping you." He replied with a smik. "You are simply too hopeless left to your own devices."

"Whatever." the blonde retorted

"Easy there, Squall." they both laughed a little bit to themselves. "Although, you seem to have picked up on his avoidance of people."

"Maybe." Cloud replied. "It just seemed easier than dealing with everyone." He turned to gaze out the window, after peeling back the covering.

"I won't disagree on that." his smile was cold. "Spend a few years in the lifestream, you might appreciate it more. There's literally nothing in there."

"You probably sucked it dry just by being there." The blonde said with a serious expression as he watched a handful of children running excitedly out in the street, with the only light source being a flashlight one of them brought. He covered the window back up. "What exactly did you want, anyway."

"In coming here? I'm checking up on you, to be certain you aren't going to attempt to end this all here. Not that you'd actually have the resolve to end your own life."

"Too many ties here I guess." Cloud turned back to face the man he'd idolized as a child. "Although, I'm leaving them either way. You included."

"I doubt the last part. I can find you no matter where you try to hide." The nightmare incarnate replied. "And I feel like you should deal with that phone call. If I know the turks, they won't leave you alone until you go, so either throw out your phone or see what Reno wants. He'll still be calling you next year if you don't."

"I…. think I'll deal with it next year then, if it comes to that." He paused. "I guess I'll stay here till new years. Its only a week away."

"Suit yourself." He turned as though to leave, "Its easier for me this way, your more…. available for things I want done."

"Don't count on it." The blonde replied as the other faded for the second time that day. He placed his phone in the kitchen, and scowled as he found that the soup he'd forgotten- in light of his half expected visitor, had not only caught fire, but had seeped out of the pot and boiled its way to the floor. He cast an ice 3 at it angrily, and went to bed without dinner. He didn't think he'd be able to stomach it anyway.

He tossed around on the bare mattress for around three hours, stewing over the torrent of thoughts in his tortured head. He knew he was playing a dangerous game- tiptoeing around the very man he'd fought so hard to try and avoid, more out of fear than spite: he didn't think he'd ever be able to feel spite for the other man. It didn't matter that he wanted to hate him for everything. That wasn't good enough. Cloud turned over again, a lump of something digging into his thigh (upon examination, he found it to be a loose spring), and sighed in defeat. The floor was more comfortable than this. He went to a cupboard in the upstairs hallway to gather a few fleece blankets and an old quilt, the proceed to make a bedroll on the wooden floor. He finally managed to fall asleep, his eyes closing blissfully as his mind floated into unconsciousness.

"Wake up." He felt someone shaking him. Cloud opened his eyes, slightly afraid of the words that the other person in the room said. Blinking away his foggy vision, he relaxed at the sight of black and red sweeping around in a non existent breeze.

"Vincent?" The blonde recognized his silent friend. "What's going on?" he whispered to the ex-turk. He'd been found? Of course, that week had passed, yesterday was new years. He should have known better than to stay in one place so long.

"I just came to warn you. I came here from Ajit, and something dark is clearly taking place there. Or is about to." The stoic gunman said, the collar of his crimson cape hiding the concerned frown that crossed his pale lips. Bright amber eyes looked the blonde over in slight worry. "And I'm hiding from Yuffie." He said, his deep voice hanging in the air.

"She'd never think to look here." Cloud mused. "That's a good thing, considering she'd likely spill my location to Tifa if she knew I was here."

"Avoiding unwanted affections as well." The raven haired man asked him, watching the other nod an affirmative. He knew neither of them had gotten over their past loves. Lucretia's crying face still haunted his dreams quite often. He didn't want to admit it, but there was a deeper understanding than just losing the people they loved. Vincent was afraid to act on it, or even admit it too anyone, himself included. He refused to say it. He wouldn't even think it. He couldn't, not now while tension was still raw and people were still recovering from the damage of nearly two full years prior, but… maybe, after a while? He shook his head. "The anniversary of her death is tomorrow, isn't it? And of meteor fall in two weeks."

"Not sure whether to mourn the latter, or celebrate." Cloud said dismally. He didn't have the heart to tell Vincent what he knew. How does one tell their best friend that the son of the woman he loved and the man he hated most, the one who went insane and tried to end everything, was returning? Even worse, telling your best friend that said insane man was using you to return? So instead of looking into to Vincent's unnatural crimson to amber eyes and saying what he knew, instead of calmly stating 'Sephiroth is returning' he turned his gaze aside and remained silent. There were a few minutes of awkward silence. "does i stop hurting? Losing.. losing…" he turned away, "because I… it's my fault, and I.. Vincent, I don't know what to do."

"I'm not sure." He put his hand over his heart to stop the agonizing pain that felt like someone was tearing it apart bit by bit. "I've never tried to… forget. Or to forgive." He closed his eyes. "Maybe I should, and tell you if it's worth it. But," he eyed the floor, "I don't even know where to start."

"Is it possible for sins to be forgiven? I want to know, but I… I don't…" He trailed off. Vincent's hand was suddenly squeezing his shoulder comfortingly, the intense warmth the demon-possessed-gunman radiated was a strong current of what felt like a security blanket in the eyes of a frightened child. They sat that way for a while. The sudden warmth he felt undeserving of weighed heavily on top of the guilt laid on his mind. He felt the urge to tell the fifty-two year old ex turk everything, but desperately choked it down. He didn't want to let the man get hurt over him, just another friend lost because he couldn't protect them enough: he wouldn't allow that to happen for anything. So he stayed silent. After a little while, Vincent disappeared from the room, leaving Cloud to gaze out the window again. The dim lighting glinting oddly of his sapphire eyes. He only shifted his head backwards in acknowledgement of the hand he felt on his back.

"Pretending to be sentimental and grieving?" Came the condescending words from behind. "Why do you still act as though you can feel anything, even this guilt you seem so fixated on?"

"Fuck off." He all but snarled, Not this conversation again! He gripped the wndow sill so hard his knuckles turned white and the wood splintered.

"Care to look me in the eyes and attempt say that with any meaning behind it?" Came the response, and the blonde responded by punching the window. Then he whirled around, fully intending to get in the silver haired man's face and yell it with everything he had. Instead the moment their eyes met he turned away.

"Its not worth it." He said, not willing to do what the man wanted. Cloud picked up a shard of the window only to whip around again at the sound of s surprised grunting sound; the source frequently moving. When he finally found the source of the noise, he was surprised to find Vincent aiming death penalty at Sephiroth's head.

"Why are you here?" The ex-turk demanded, shock not showing through his impassive mask.

"Just visiting an old friend, I don't see why that's so much of a threat to you." The ex-general replied.

"Vincent, he's just a ghost. You won't hit him anyway." The blonde called from across the room. "Trust me, I've tried." A week ago, in fact. He'd wound up hitting himself in the face from the momentum, and ended up getting an angry bruise of all sorts of color on his cheek.

"It was highly uncalled for." The taller swordsman replied mockingly, an evident smirk curling the corners of his mouth. "I just set a flower vase on fire." The red-cloaked gunman just turned to the door.

"How long has this been going on?" When he got no reply, Vincent continued. "even if you don't want the others involved, you at least could've told me you've been in danger. Because, Cloud… I," he paused, summing up his strength to say what he knew needed to be said, "I love you." And with that final blow to the argument, Vincent walked out and slammed the door behind him.