Spy's Problem: A Tale of How Spy Almost Lost His French.
Auathers Nose:
Hello, and welcome to my Team Fortress 2 fanfiction, after nine minutes in development, hopefully it will be worth the wait…
Genre: Family/Friendship
Rated S for Sexy Fucking Smiley Face ;)
WARNING: The forthcoming pile of goat shit contains: Bad attempts at Accents, Racism, The motorboating of man boobs, Frequent mentions of Hitler, Pain is, Anal sex, Oral sex, Über sex, Über cum, Scottish wizards, Skull fucking, Mpreg, Piss drinking, Shit sandviches, Decapitated head stealing, the KKK, French people, Women with penises, a nun?
Prepare Your Anus.
It was a bright and sunny morning in Tuefort, New Mexico. The birds were singing, the Mann Co. store was selling useless fucking hats, and RED Sniper was taking a man piss in a filthy scrubber jar like the gypsy, homeless, fuck that he is.
"Arrrrr… piss," grinned the Sniper, tasting the cloudy, concentrated urine on his finger. "That's how we do it in the bush." He chuckled, placing the jar on top of the dining table before pouring himself a large glass of water. He would have to drink a lot of water if he was to collected enough of his piss for battle that would be battled on two days from now and he had only two days to make all the piss that he needed.
"Guten Morgen, Herr Sniper," RED Medic sayed walking into the kitchin' which is where they was, giving him a Nazi salute (because he is of the German and this is how all germs greet people). "Ze supply train vill be passing through today!1"
RED Spy materialized into da room like a Spy "Hon HOn HON!" He Snorted. "This is the good news gentlemen, I have ordered Pornography (-this is a proper noun now) of Scouts whore of a mother from her brothel in Boston. We can have a maison de trois and jack off to it together."
"ALL RIGHT!" Sniper yelled, doing the taunt he does while holding the SMG. He was super excited now because Scouts Ma was a hot skanky bitch with a BIG penis, and Spy was a pricey poofer who moisturised his hands like a woman which meant they felt nice when they rubbed up and down the Ozzies cock.
Medic was not as happy though because he did not find women with penises attractive, he liked real men with big hairy balls that could slap him in the face so hard it would give him a migraine, he also liked mass killings, in fact just thinking of the holocaust made him want to rub his nipples and stimulate his prostate with a knackwurst sausage.
All of a sudden RED Scout burst through the door, interrupting Sniper and Spy who were now making out, and snapping Medic from his sexual fantasy of submerging Jewish twins in scalding hot water, and school shootings. "IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE!11" he shouted, "COME ON YA LAZY FAGGS." And with that he ran to fetch the other five mercenaries.
Grouping together the nine mercs ran outside carrying handfuls of keys.
"I want a new FOOKING SWORD!" the Scottish RED Demoman said.
"I want some PAIN IS!" RED Soldier shouted slapping Demo's ass with the disciplinary action (a riding crop to you and me.) Everyone started to laugh hard at Soldiers SUPAR funny joke.
They all gathered around a pallet of Mann Co. crates that had been dropped off by the supply train.
"Open zem! Schnell, schnell! Said Medic," said Medic, so excited that he thought he might mutate into Hitler.
Scout opened the first crate. "Frickin' unbelievable," he said, "It's another sandman."
RED Pyro started to laughing at him badly "Mmmph mmmmph mmmph," he taunted uncarting an awesome hat making scout supper jelly.
Within the next few minutes all the mercenaries had opened a crate.
"YES!," said RED Heavy Weapons Guy, the obese, bald, Russian of the group, "I got sandvich."
Scout, still pissed that Pyro got a cool hat and he didn't, LOLED and ROFLED at him, "Hey tons 'o' fun why don't ya eat a salad."
Heavy suddenly felt very sadly because people were always making fun of his weight, and when he was a little flabby boy in Russia people would mistake him for a grizzly bear and try to shoot him. A tear rolled down his cheek like sweat rolling between a buttcrack, he no longer felt like eating his sandvich in case Scout or someone else bullied him again.
"It's okay Herr Heavy," Medick said pinching the Hoovy's chunky ass, "You don't need to lose veight, but Scout could lose about 10 pounds in his head."
Heavy hugged Medic. He liked him because he worked with him a lot on the battling field and sometimes at the end of a medical procedure he would give him a happy ending. Also Medic liked Pringles.
Spy rubbed his hands togetzer like a fly does when it lands on your food and you watch it for a bit. "It's time for ze Pornography staring Scout's mother." He said sexily pulling a key out of his zipper. The other men gathered around looking forward to seeing that Boston hoe with her vagina out. All except Scout who was embarrassed about his ma been a stripper resulting in him been a bastard child. And Medic who was giving Heavy a quick BJ. "To open a crate gentlemen," Spy began "you need to be gentle with it, like making love to a beautiful penis-less women." He circled the key around the lock before slipping it inside, simultaneously jizzing his pants.
The lock fell of the crate and they all stared inside.
"Well where are the pic of the lass then lad?" Demoman asked.
"Yes, as a true bred American I was looking forward to masturbating to Pornography of an American woman with a pain is." Everyone laughed at soldier again because 'pain is' never got old, even Medic who had a mouth full of cock and G men laughed before he had chance to swallow, spraying the ex-contents of Heavy's balls over everyone.
Spy rummaged around the bottom of the crate desperately. "Must have le P0rnz," he whimpered. Searching each of the corners he noticed a white piece of paper, it read:
"RED Spy Dearie, I'm very sorry I can't send you the Pornography that you ordered but I recently had sex with the enemy Spy who gave me BLU waffle (LOL get it?). Because of this I am having a vagina transplant, I will get the Porn to you as soon as possible. Love, Scouts Mother, official dildo tester."
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!" Yelled spy, almost deafening the other mercenaries and causing the glass of Medics spectacles, RED Engineers goggles and Pyros gasmask to shatter. "What am I supposed to do without my monthly dose of Porn?"
Sniper put his arm around him, "Awww, that's apples mate… but we can still jack off together without Porn."
"You don't understand monsieur Sniper, I am French non? If I don't stimulate my baguette using Pornography then I will lose the gift of seducing super models, a power only bestowed on le French."
Pyro stroked the nozzle of her gasmask in thought puzzling out this conundrum before snapping his fingers, "Mmhp mmmmhp, mmhp mmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp... Huddah huuh mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmhp mmmmhp mmmhp mmmmhp huddah mmmmhp huuh mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmhp huuh huddah huuh mmmhp mmmmhp mmhp, mmmmhp mmmmhp. Huddah mmmmhp mmmhp mmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp mmmmhp, mmmmhp mmmmhp. Mmmmhp mmmmhp!" he explained, making suggestive gestures with her hands. (Inconsistent gender pronouns FTW)
"Good idea Partner," Praised the Engineer.
"What is idea?" Asked Heavy.
"Y'all stay here and I'll be back in a minuet." Engie said running inside of the base with Pyro.
There was an awkward silence.
"You have a bit of spunk on your face doc," demopan said, who was looking like everyone else in the group except with darker skin.
"Oh," spoke the Medic, licking the viscose white liquid from his chin and lips. "Zank you."
All of a sudden Engie came running out carrying his Construction PDA (magic building device), with Pyro behind him carrying a camera. "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerecting a dispenser."
The dispenser built its self as dispensers always do, but it didn't look like a normal dispenser. It said Sex-O-Matic across the top and was a pretty pink colour. "I built dat," Engineer said taking the camera from Pyro. "Alright Spah, if ya need some porn then we better make some… I like to make things…"
Spy was going to say something on the matter but he was distracted by seeing Scout start to make out with the pink dispenser.
"Ohhhh baby, you like it when I hold you like that don't you?" he said. It was the most beautiful dispenser he had ever seen and he just wanted to touch it.
Engineer clicked the record button on the camera. "Just keep doing what you're doing scout this is going to look great on film."
Scout began to finger the slots of the dispenser and play with the many knobs on the front of it. The dispenser, so stimulated by the horny Scout, upgraded to a level 2 dispenser. A tray popped out of the front but instead of containing medical supplies like a normal lvl2 dispenser it contained an assortment of sex toys and different flavoured lubes. "Wooooooo, major league," Scout said, unzipping his pants like a boss and covering his bonking stick with crit-a-cola flavoured lube. "Look at me, ma." All the mercenaries watched as Scout rammed his dick into the grate of the dispenser, grinding it against the sides like a cheese grater as he started to fuck it. *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!* *MINI CRIT!*
"Yeee haw," said the Engineer, filming the scene. He was so turned on by seeing the barely legal scout fucking his dispenser that he reached into his overalls and pulled out his meat wrench.
Scout continued to mini crit the dispenser with his crit-a-cola cock, stimulating it so much that it once again upgraded. The grate of the dispenser promptly slammed shut slicing off his erection. "Arrrghhhhhhhhh!" screamed the Scout trying to stop the blood from pumping out of his body by holding his mutilated member against the bloody stump. "DOC! LITTLE HELP, I'M DYING HERE!"
Medic was in hysterics, laughing so hard that you could almost see his digestive system. He hadn't seen something so funny (and so stimulating) since he watched that documentary on Nazi medical experiments.
Scout started to get woozy from the blood loss, stumbling around and collapsing against the dispenser. "Kill… me…" he whimpered.
"Oh, don't be such a baby," Medic LOLED, "Cocks grow back…" *troll face* "No they don't."
Soldier started to facepalm very hard. "You call that fucking?" Soldier said to the passed out Scout, "You're an embarrassment to the stars and stripes son, I'll show you how a REAL American fucks." Soldier reached out his arm for the closest merc "CUM 'ERE SWEETHEART," he said to the Pyro. "I'm gonna enjoy ramming each and every one of you sorry sacks of cum… I mean scum. Except Spy cos hes too French"
":(" said spy.
Soldier LOLED "I love ya realy ya slimy bastard." He winked and blew him a hiss.
"Mmmmph?" asked Pyro angry about been ignored, "Hudah huh?"
Soldier was like 'Oh yeah, I was gonna fuck ya' and began to mac out with Pyros gasmask. After the minuet or so of stemmy gasmask makeinout time S;ldier got all hots and stemmy like a sauna. He was so hot that he started to undo Pyros asbestos suit. Suddenly the sky got all dark and cloudy and Gabe Newell appeared there like an angel from the heavens.
"Holly flippin' burgers, IT'S GABE!" said Engineer.
Gabe looked at Pyro "Uhh no," he said. Pyro nodded that he understood, now was not the time for her gender to be reviled because if he did Valve would have to stop trolling people. Just as this happened soldier ripped open the suit. Pyro felt her breathing stop as he collapsed onto the floor, from his suit a load of potatoes poured out of his suit leaving nothing but his clothes and her gas mask and potaters.
"Dammit," Said solider, realising that he had almost broken the universe by trying to undress the Pyro, but thankfully he turned into a sack of 'taters. Gabe disappeared into the sky smiling, off to troll more people and make tons of money, as the clouds cleared.
"Oh Solider," said Demoman getting onto his knees "like all Scottish men, poetasters get me really horny.
Solider got da big smile on his face, taking his pain is out of his pants. "You are a very pretty black, one eyed man," Said Solider.
"Awww, thank ya mate," said demo, lifting his eye patch and reviling a deep, wet cavity where his left eye should be. "Would ya like ta fuck ma socket?" he asked.
"Affirmative," solider said, taking a butt plug from the dispenser. He pressed the butt plug into his own anus and adjusted it so that it was comfortable. "All right sugar plumb, let's dance." He let his engorged cock circle the demomoman euye hole. Then he promptly began to fuck Demo in the eye socket. His eye socket was very warm, moist and fitted nicely around his pain is.
"You like this don't you Solly," Demo said using his tongue to play with Soldier's sticky testicles. Solider thrust harder and faster into Demos head.
"SCREAMING EAGLES!" Solider cried, launching a hot rocket of cum into the back of his partners head. All of a sudden the air became cold and there was a bright green fog pouring from Demo's eye socket.
"What the FOOK?" said demo. A large dark figure rose from out of the fog… it was….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….….… MERASMUS1! OH NOS.
"MERASMUS HAS CUM," sayed Merasmus holding up a hand dripping with Soldier's cum.
"Merasmus, YOU SON OF A BITCH!1" said Soldier.
"ARRRHHH" A VIZARD, Screamed Medic like a pussy, defecating in fear. (- This is an important plot point, so take note! :p )
"SOLIDER HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH A BLACK GUY!" merasmus said like a sassy fat black woman.
"URE A RACIST FUCK MERASMUS, GO BACK TO SCROTE LAND!" He pulled the butt plug out of his ass and threw it at Meras a moss.
"You sick bastard I will teach you TO THROW YOUR BUTT PLUG AT ME." Merasy said a majic spell. "I have your decapitated heads solider" Solider looked at the fence where he kept his decapitated heads, THEY WERE GONE. Solider thought Marasmus was a fuck.
"I'm going to KILL YOU!" said solly. Marasmus laughed.
"Those aren't the only heads I took solider." He smiled like a troll. Solider looked down at his crotch, THE HEAD OF HIS PAIN IS WAS MISSING.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1" said solider sadenly. Merasmus disappeared.
"CUM FIND ME SOLIDER… IF YOU DARE" Marasmus said sexily.
So Demo and Soldier went to find marasmus and get soldiers heads back.
While this was all happening spy was jacking off sniper with his soft subtle hands. "BOOM HEADSHOT!" said sniper shooting spy in the forehead with a thick shot of hot sea men.
"You disgust me," Spy said all frenchly because he was French. He wiped the cum of his head and took out his butterfly knife.
"Carve me a new vagina" Said sniper.
"But of corse :D" Spy smiled and began to cut a slit between Snipes balls and cock which he promptly began to fuck.
Heavy watched them very closely-ly, it was so Kawaii that he couldn't help but rub and squeeze his fat man boobs. He was so horny and didn't know what to do…
"Doktor…" he said zesty-ly "Is team time?"
Medic *0% Übercharge* shook his head. "Nein!" he wanted to 'do the nasty' but he didn't want to ruin his German purity by making lovings with an inferior race.
Heavy felt very sadly that his Medic didn't want to make the sex with him, especially after everything that tey had bean through together. His face turned into a salad of anger. He was so aroused and mad about be rejected that he thought about raping Me dick, but didn't because that would make work awkward on Monday.
But then he had an amazing, totally gonna work idea. "Wait here Doktor he said I be right back." And he ran to the closest shop he could see owned by the KKK and bought an super sexy book. It was (Dun Dun duhh) Hitler's Biography. He began to read it to Medic who got VERY happy. So much so that his crotch started to SIEG HEIL*25% Übercharge *
"Oh Heavy :3" Medic said "I love Hitler, he is mien Idol." He began to motorboat Heavy's man tities which jiggled sexily like water balloons. "I vant you to Fuck me schweinehund, I am so horny. I vant you to fuck me harder zen Hitler fucked over the Jews" *50% Übercharge*
"Yeess" said heavy " my love quest is over ." He opened Medic legs to find that Meddys cheeks and inner thighs were caked with faeces from when marasmus had been scary. (Insert '2 girls, one cup' music here)
Heavy laughed well naturedly. "Uh oh, looks like somebody soiled diaper."
Medic blushed. "Oh, how embarrassing," he said, all teary eyed because he had shat himself in front of his new Boyfriend.
Heavy shrugged, "Do not cry, is not problem." And he got his sandvich "Da, this will work." Medic closed his eyes and felt the soft slices of bread wipe his thighs, the cleft of his arse and his tight puckered hole clean.
"Moist and delicious!" Heavy smiled, taking a few bites out of the sandvich, the gooey brown shit trailing down his chin "Mmmm, so filling."
"Zis is FILTHY!" Medic giggled "But I like it." Noticing that Hoovy had finished his sandbitch, Medic pulled his legs apart further. "Now use your tongue" he instructed.
Heavy smiled, licking clean any remnants that the white (more like brown, oh yeah) bread hadn't wiped off, before proceeding to press his tongue deep into the doctors anal cavity, pushing past the rings of muscle.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, vat a curious sensation," the physician said.
Heavy mounted him like a horny walrus and invaded his anus like Germany invaded Poland.
"Ohhhhhhhhh, Mmmmmmmmmmm, JA, JA, JA! =]" medic moaned as ta big Russian Pen15 pressured against his prostate "I AM ZE ÜBERMENSCH" *75% Übercharge*
Heavy gave another few hard thrusts making medic gasp desperately for air in pleasure. He felt like he was in a special Nazi happy shower. His cock starting to throw of red sparks at the end, a pearl of glowing, red, flashy pre-cum seeping from his slit. "MIEN GOTT, H-HEAVY… I'M, I'M FULLY CHARGED!" *100% Übercharge*
"One second please," said spy, close to ejaculating in Snipers makeshift vagina. "Arghhhhhhhhh!" he screamed filling Sniper with his French dressing before pulling out leaving the bloody cum covered flaps of skin. "Alright, at your pleasure doctor."
"Jawohl. Ready Comrade?"
Heavy nodded "Da, cum doctor." Medic pressed M2 on his mouse, popping his Über.
"OOOOOOKKKKKKKKKTTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!111."
Thick red glowing ejaculate erupted from his magic heal-ly gun with such force that it spurted several meters into the air like a Chinese firework display before raining down on everyone.
"Thanks doc," said Sniper, feeling his flesh merge back together as he was over healed by da cum. (THIS WORKS BECAUSE MEDIC IS TA HEALING CLASS SO STFU PLZ :3)
Scout slowly came back around, covered from head to toe in flashy healing semen of doctor. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and was relieved to see that the Über cum had made a new member grow back in the sliced off ones place. "Thank Gabe!" Scout said.
All of a sudden there was a lot of screaming and clanging from inside the base and Marasmus came out been chased by Soldier and Demoman, giggling like a school girl.
"You'll never catch me Soldieeeee…." Marasmus was cut off as he slipped in the big puddle of blood, excrement, and semen. from ze sexay time, causing him to smash his head on the ground. "Oww my head said Marasmus" Marasmus said.
"Give me back my heads YOU UGLY WIZZARD WIZZTARD." Solider shouted.
"NEVAR LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL."
But then the Announcer Announced "Mission Ends In 60 Seconds."
"Oh SHIT," said everyone. It was time to complete the mission.
Engineer dfucked behind his dispenser while everonelse began to beat the fuck out of Marasmus and his face.
"Ouch my pancreas" said Marasmus. "PLZ STOP DIS HURTZ SO MICH, CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? =("
"GIVE ME MY HEADS BAK DEN!" Solider souted.
"FINE, JUST PLEASE STOP HITTING ME =:::(" Marasmus snapped his fingers returning Soliders heads to their respected place on the head fence.
"VICTORY" Said the announcer. Everyone was super excited and high fived becasuse they had beaten marasmus.
But then….. Medic opened a packet of Dora fruit snacks and drank a alcoholic beverage and said "Whoops… that was not medicine." He pointed at Soldiers crotch.
FUCK SIAD SOILDER, marasmus had indeed returned the head of soldiers pain is but medics healy healy healy healy healy healy cream gravy had caused an extra head to heal next to the first meaning … He now had a two headed painis."IM AN ABOMINATION," solider cried.
Everyone LOLED at him.
"And that's a rape" said Engineer, finishing the recording. "This is some hot shit right here" he said in his Texan accent.
Butt spy collapsed onto the floor. "OH NO" said medic, shoving his tongue down spys throat to take his temperature. (HE'S allowed to do dis without permission because he is doctor and they get away with al kinds of pervey shit like shoving fingers up peoples asses and looking at crusty old vaginas without getting put on sex offender registrars.)
"WHATS THE MATTER WITH HIM DOC?" Asked sniper, all panicky.
"He hashbrown got much time left…" said medic, " Ve need to gets him to mien infirmary B4 he loses da ability to seduce suppermodels.!"
Tey piked up Spy and ran to de infirmary bitch was decorated with swat stickers. Meic took Seye into the operation room with the Porn tape Engie had filmed. His stripped of Psy's clothes off and put on sum surgical gloves ontop of his surgical gloves. "I am prepared to do whatever it takes," he said, pressing play to play the Porn vid, grasping the Frenchman's penut with his skilled surgeon hands.
Everyone else waited outside. Sniper started to hyperventilate in fear because he liked Psy and didn't want him to be less French, so Marasmus magicaled up a paper bag for sniper to breathe into.
Just then the door flung open. "Anozher Successful Procedure!" Medic said triumphantly Opening another packet of Dora fruit snacks and starting to nom them.
Spy Stped out wearing a beret and a stripy blak and white shit. "I feel très bon!" he said and he steped out. Sniper hugged him all gayely "Don't eva scare me like dat again you fucking spook" he said kissin him.
"Well now I've seen everything," Engineer said, taking back the tape from Medic. It had been a long day and everyone was tired now. Sniper went to his van with spy so that they could play twister together and master bat. Engie went to pootis his awesome P0rn on RED tube (Get it? LOL (Cerialy though don't look up RED tube kids… also Bracketception!)). Solider, Demo and Marasmus when to da cinema to see an X-Rated movie. Scout went to thank the dispenser for a good time. And Heavy and Medic went to the supermarket because Medic had run out of Dora fruit snacks and he was craving them like a fat kid craves Mc Donald's.
THE END…
Or is it?
Nope . Avi
"Hi" says Morgan Freeman "Im'a be narrating from now on."
Anyway, after the story it was the summer holiday so…
Spy and Sniper travelled the world in Snipers camper van and posted the pictures of places they wet to on Pinterest, for all the other Mercs to comment on.
Engineer video became so popular on RED tube that he won a saxxy and became a professional Pornz director in Hollywood becoming known as Vagineer. He went on to make such erotic masterpieces as 'Sexceptiption – we goto go deeper', 'How the Grinch Stole my Virginity' and 'E Three, The Extra Testicle."
Scout took the dispenser on a hot date, and tried to have sex with it, but the dispenser had him arrested for sexual abuse and had a restraining order put on him.
Soldier joined a freakshow because of his 2 headed pain is, along with demo and Marasmus. Together they mad lots of money and opened a nunnery where everyone would pray to their overlord Gabe Newell.
Pyro reformed in a Mexican potato field and arose from the dirt before walking across the border back to the RED Base.
Heavy and Medic porked regularly for the next month. Medic continued to have cravings for Dora fruit snacks, and started to gets all fat and hormonal and stuff. Then one morning Medic went to Heavy and told him all excited like "I am full of babies :D" (u did NA ZI that coming) And Hoovy seed "I not know men could get pregnant fat." And medic said "zhey can't but vhy should zhis story start making zense now." So Medic went into labour a week later and gave birth to twin boys and they named them Adolf and Stalin, after their favourite dicktators... And then Medic experimented on them 'cause he is a Nazi.
THE END…
Or is it?
Yes.
Auathers Nose:
Tanks 4 reading, please leave god revolves and no flams :)
