This is the end my friends
The last battle before we part ways
I have always dreamed about this day in my night mares
Good-bye
There's still so many things that I've wanted to say
But I've never had the courage to tell you
So many times I've wanted to sit down and explain
My life has been spent in shadows and I...
I feared I couldn't change
This voice of mine has been drowned in self-doubt
So afraid that you'd hurt me I ran away before giving you a chance
Coward that I am you drew me back in
Held me like a precious china doll
And then I let myself fall
I was afraid and angry again
Afraid I would hurt you
Angry that I was soi weak
It has become so much easier to run
To let myself go
Become the monster I knew I had always been
I attempted to annihilate everything I knew
Everything that nade me humane
It was you
Trying to save me even as I betrayed you
I knew strength then
I am what I choose to be
What I want to be
The only one that was stopping me
Was myself
I used to be a girl named Terra
Now I do not know who I am
I have lost my identity
My friends
My purpose
And now I'm losing my soul
I used to be a girl named Terra
Used to love to hear someone call my name
I used to be a girl named Terra
Who am I
Can someone...help me?
Awake. I lay cold and naked on the warm ground, my eyesight fuzzy and my breath ragged. Couldn't see a damn thing. Something soft was beneath me; silky to the touch. Blinking hard I tried to focus but all I could see were dark outlines; upon breathing in I knew I was somewhere in the Earth. But I couldn't quite remember what had happened. I remember voices and I remember the taste of salty tears and scorching heat. I remember feeling a powerful anger...and then...that voice again. -You are the best friend I've ever had.- Those words...they rolled off my tongue so easily and I felt that I had said them. And then the awful realization hit me. A flood of memories bombarded my mind and I felt warmth on my cheeks...I touched them and felt water coursing down them. Letting it rain down I touched my wet fingers to my lips and tasted the tears of true sorrow as I gasped for air. I remembered falling asleep in the warm embrace of Earth. It cradled me in sleep...let me rest after I had over-exerted myself to save my friends...to save Beast Boy...to save...the people of Jump City...but I didn't save myself. The Earth did. After forcing the volcano back into slumber I remember the rock closing over me and how I didn't fight it as the horrid smell of sulfur and my own sadness filled me up. I even remember screaming but it wasn't the same...I was so angry...so very angry. But now the Earth has decided that I must wake and face the world but I am not so sure that I can. I have done so many things and yet...I was given a second chance. I wasn't going to mess up this time.
I felt dirt roll of my skin as I tried to stand; my legs too weak to support me. I fell and felt something that wasn't part of the rock...Words. Tracing them with my quivering fingers I felt the tears come again. Terra - A teen titan. A true friend. Curling up by the stone I allowed myself to sleep...this was a new beginning for me. But it also meant that something within had ended. I had night mares within night mares but the earth spoke to me, rumbled beneath me and wrapped its arms around me, rocking me to sleep in a way my mother never could. In a way my mother never would. I dreamt of Slade mostly and of how he had used me. My body was his to command I did...disgusting things. Horrible things that people would hate me for. I almost killed the only people that had cared about me including a boy that had always seen something special in me even if I couldn't or wouldn't see it. I had to rest and save my strength because tomorrow I would go up and into the sunlight...I had to. I wanted to. I needed to see if I could make amends.
Meanwhile...
As Terra slept the Titans worried over their favorite tofu-loving Beast Boy. He'd changed ever since Terra had sacrificed herself to save their lives from the volcano...and herself. Even Raven did not have a disparaging remark about the girl that had been both friend and enemy to them all. Beast Boy had locked himself in his room and one could only catch glimpses of him at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then when he went to put flowers by Terra's statue and then to look for a cure. Not even StarFire could coax him out of his room or out of his depression-induced stupor. So they merely watched over him...sometimes getting a peek of his room...the walls covered with pictures of Terra and bulletin boards of possible cures. Raven began expressing concern but they would do nothing. Not yet anyway. There were still many things to be done...so many repairs to help with...so many people to take care of. After Slade's minute reign of terror many villains had moved in and now the Titans had their hands full with throwing criminals in jail or sometimes even worse...but Beast Boy didn't or couldn't help them. If he said two words to them they would be blessed to even hear the echo of their words. They were annoyed by his actions but what could they do that would not be unjust?
StarFire was the only one that Beast Boy ever talked to but it was only to tell her where he was going because she hovered after him like a worried mother. Raven said nothing about it but that was Raven. She didn't have to...she was an Empath after all but she kept her thoughts and her emotions to herself most of the time. Cyborg and Robin dealt with it as expected...they said nothing and trained a lot more. The life at the Tower had taken a monotonous turn, the chain only broken by the occasional call for aid against some criminal. And then they worked as a team then...pretending for one moment that things hadn't changed...but Beast Boy wasn't there for the fights anymore either. He was off...trying to help Terra in anyway he could. Making deals and bargaining dangerously; ignoring the fact that he sometimes didn't have what was requested. But all the things he'd come up with didn't work...but Beast Boy would not give up. He simply refused to accept the fact that Tara might never come back.
As time progressed things worsened...and then...Beast Boy left. Just packed up his stuff one day and gave the girls a kiss on the cheek and disappeared out the door into the warm sunshine, leaving them to stare after him. Sometimes they caught him sleeping at Terra's statue but then he'd disappear and they wouldn't hear from him for a while...it was the same cycle all over again and the Titans were getting sick of it. One year had passed...and nothing changed. Something had to happen...the cycle had to be broken.
Beast Boy's Journal
Terra's gone but she'll come back. I know she will. She has to come back because I'm still here waiting for her...and she won't keep waiting for much longer...I hope she remembers me when she wakes up...I hope...I've tried everything to cure her and I won't stop...not for a second. Terra deserves better then what I can give her but I want her to come back. I keep having dreams about her, where she's hugging me like she did before...before IT happened. She's whispering something that I can't hear but I want to...I can't believe how much I want to hear what she's saying but I...I can't and I try to hear and then sound goes away...and then she touches my cheek and smiles and the earth seems to suck her under, leaving me alone. All alone for so long...I can't go back to the Tower...I can't go back and look at all their sad faces...angry faces. StarFire has always been there. She's so happy and then I make her sad because I am sad and she doesn't understand some things. She confessed that to me...but she said that she understood how I felt.
Raven understands too...I know she can feel me...hear my emotions and everything and that's another reason why I left the Tower. I didn't want what I was thinking and feeling to affect her but it did and I'm sorry that it happened. I never meant to hurt anyone but I did because I was hurting. I moved into this apartment and I've been doing fine by myself...at least I want StarFire and the others to think that. They have to or they'll try and drag me back by my pointy ears. I want something better for all of them. They deserve that much from someone like me. If I can bring Terra back then all my problems will sort themselves out, like they always do when she's around. It's always easier when you have her around...even if she was the enemy. Even if she still is the enemy. Even if she was dangerous she was something I needed...something I wanted. She liked me...she cried for me. She helped me become something more than I am and I thank her for that. Someone that gives so much shouldn't be left in a hard prison of cold stone. I won't let her stay there...someone might come along and break the statue...and then what will happen? What will I do? I will no longer have a purpose.
I have to keep trying to bring her back because if I can't succeed at that I can't succeed at anything. I want to win this one...by myself. WITHOUT the help of the people I used to call my friends. I need to do this myself to prove that I can. I have to do something that people will remember me by. With the others I'm just another Titan...and I used to like that...it used to fit me so well but now it's nothing to me anymore. Soon people forgot my name...and I didn't care anymore that I'd lost my identity. I WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM! I WANT TO BREAK THE MOLD!
-Beast Boy
