1) Tequila shots are a valid liver function test

2) Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique takes two weeks to master

3) Always replace the animal crackers

4) Rats are smarter than you think

5) Best friends are for the good times and the bad

6) Never, ever touch the markers before consulting the flow chart

7) Flying V guitars are worth $12,000

8) You won't get cavitites if you brush your teeth. It doesn't even matter whose toothbrush it is

9) Pain is not a laughing matter

10) Accidents happen

11) Never take the bus home

12) The opossum wasn't meant for you

13) Chugging milk straight from the carton is bound to annoy someone

14) There is such a thing as a free lunch

15) Show a little gratitude, otherwise life will bite you in the ass

16) Grabbing someone's breast is not a logical next step. Not ever

17) Everyone needs a little freedom, at least once in a while

18) Delayed trains in the German Metro system just ain't good for the Jews

19) Languages come in handy

20) If you push hard enough, things will break. Superglue, however, is a useful tool

21) It's never Lupus. Well, almost never