For my sick and twisted purposes, I made Eddie a bit younger than he is. I own nothing!
Edward Nigma had been around the criminal block. He had come up with the most complex conundrums, and solved the most difficult of puzzles. In Nigma's natural element of brain teasers, he reigned supreme. Sadly, this did not transfer well to how to handle day to day life. Even more depressing, being a super genius constantly fixated on puzzles meant he did not concentrate on social interactions at all, making him what Harley affectionately referred to as a "social retard".
All of the 'masked villains' of Gotham had been meeting up at Ozzy's finalizing a grand idea on how to dupe the caped crusader when Harley made some offhanded remark about the Riddler's extravagantly drawn out plans being the result of him not getting enough tail.
"I mean, honestly, Riddlah. When's the last time ya got laid?" To be honest, he had never been 'laid'. Sex was how children were created, and he did not want children. His relationship with his father was enough to make him never want to bring another soul into the world. Besides, sex was unnecessary. He was just never interested. The most anyone taught him about it was his dad by leaving a girly mag in the bathroom by accident. He didn't find the women that attractive. All fake breasts, bleached hair, and airbrushed. Or maybe it was his dad beating the shit out of him when he saw him holding the mag that made him not want to have sex, nor associate those things with something pleasurable.
"What? What does that have to do with taking down Batman?" He was genuinely confused as to why Harley gave a shit about his sex life. None of them discussed their sex lives. Harley's face dropped into one of horror, then extreme manic. She pointed at him and started laughing. "What?"
"You've nevah had sex!" How did she know? What gave it away? Why did it matter? They were trying to finalize some of the most intricate and complicated, well thought out, joint plans they had ever all attempted together. "Oh my God! Hahahahahahahahahaha! I can't believe it! How old are ya, Ed? Mid twenties? No wondah you spend so much time workin' on your crap!"
"It's not crap!" He snapped defensively, he worked hard and poured every ounce of love and devotion (or cold and calculating menace) into each of his creations.
"Hah! You don't even deny it!"
Ozzy cocked a brow in surprise and let out a slight chuckle. Ivy shook her head in a tsk-tsking fashion. Two-Face let out a grin that screamed 'you are missing out'. Croc looked at him like he was crazy, Croc of all peop-, well, things. Dr. Crane raised a brow in curiosity. The Joker was focused on the plans on the table.
Harley walked around the table and clapped him heartily on the back, which he tolerated, then on the ass followed by a firm squeeze. He froze. That was an area no one other than his hand with a bar of soap in the shower went for purely platonic reasons. "Nice ass, Eddie."
He didn't know what he looked like, but if every other villain's expression of concern was any indication, it wasn't a pleasant expression. He swiftly grabbed his plans, he was in charge of some of the more intricate traps, and marched out of the club with a farewell of, "Fuck this working together shit."
In all honesty, he liked Harley, but she never knew when to draw the line. Actually, she knew, she just chose to ignore the line.
He felt… deficient. Like there was some rite of passage he was supposed to have taken, and now there was something wrong with him that made him less of a person. He hated feeling deficient. Now he was depressed. He didn't want sex, but he didn't want to be looked down upon by his peers for something so trivial. That was it, he felt humiliated, and he didn't even understand why.
"Fuck!" He snapped as he kicked a can down the empty streets, his brown raincoat billowing out behind him. How had everything gotten so derailed? He frowned as he heard a familiar voice behind him.
"Does it anger you so much?" Two-Face. How annoying.
"No." He ground out as he picked up his pace intent on getting to his house without the psychopath Two-Face following him home. The footsteps followed him for about a block, until he decided he had had it. Edward spun around with enough fury to make Two-Face take a step back. "Riddle me this, what the fuck do you want?"
Two-Face took a few minutes before responding. No wait, not Two-Face. Two-Face didn't cower from anyone. "I thought I could offer you a ride home."
"Oh." He felt… rude… "I apologize." He looked at the ground a bit nervously. He really didn't need to let his temper get the best of him. "Yeah, sure." It was a long walk home. He had taken the subway to get to the Iceberg. The trains were long closed by now though.
Two-Face led him to his car. The driver promptly opened up the door and the two of them got in. The ride was in awkward silence, even more awkward when he was let out at his flat. Harvey was polite enough to walk him to his front door. He unlocked it, and half stepped inside.
"We can count on you, right?" Nigma sighed at the question as he turned around to face the scarred man.
"Yes. You can count on me." There was no way he wasn't going to be a part of the biggest heist of the century. With that Harvey smiled softly. Edward smiled back as a friendly gesture. Harley had at least taught him not to gape at people like he used to.
Then something in Harvey's eyes changed. In the next second, Edward found his mouth trapped against Two-Face's lips. His shock allowed Two-Face's tongue to swipe inside his mouth. He suddenly realized they were being inched further inside his front door.
What was happening? He had never felt so bewildered. He knew what was going on, but he didn't know why. Two-Face wasn't gay, right? Harvey had a fiancé at one point. When were their coats removed? How did the front door get closed? How did they get on his bed?
His wake up call was his pants being yanked down, and a hand squeezing his ass followed by a husky, "You do have a nice ass…"
"Stop it!" He scrambled out of the bed quickly and into the adjoining bathroom, slamming the door closed and locking it.
"Hey…" It was Harvey's voice.
"Get out." After about five minutes the front door was heard opening and shutting. He couldn't believe what had happened.
