A/N: I don't own Gravity Falls, and I don't care about the Super Bowl. Read and review, if you want to.
Hey, kids! Do you like football? Do you like huge games? There's one event that combines both of those, and it's called the Super Bowl! I have a patented technique for how to enjoy it! Welcome to my tips for enjoying Super Bowl Sunday!
1. Family bonding is key! Drag your kids in the room! Lie to them, if you have to! I lie to Dipper and Mabel all the time. For example, when I feel sad about my increasingly aging and creaky body, I say to them, "Hey, Ducktective is on!" Once they're eagerly in the room, popcorn in hand, I turn on scary medical documentaries about old people! Trust me, it works every time.
2. Food! As I have mentioned before, Soos is a good cook. Still, on this day, we need the gourmet food! Ordering out from restaurants is the best way to get snacks! But, what is more fun than buying the food? The eating! Soos and I have our annual nacho eating contest! Two people, one ten pound sack of chips slathered with cheese and marshmallow sauce, and, typically, at least one call to the emergency room, either from a heart attack or choking. I'll let you in on a little secret, though. I fake the heart attacks, just so I can win the contest! Soos always falls for that trick, just like the paramedics! Every year, I make a new enemy. On the plus side, I get better at faking my choking noises. I just listen to Dipper sputter after Mabel accuses him of only doing something just to impress Wendy.
3. Comas! No, not the medical kind. The binging on snacks and the excitement is a little much for an old man like me, so I need a nap! And when I do take my restful snooze, I use Bored Steve's Mattress Shack! "All the comfort a rusty bed can give you or half a tin can back!" What? Even an excellent businessman such as myself has to give some credit to another salesman! (Okay, his lawyers made me. So what? How should I know that he had security cameras? Feh!)
4. Commercials! And speaking of commercials, just enjoy this little ditty for the Mystery Shack!
(camera pans to the Mystery Shack with a halo over it)
GRUNKLE STAN: (voice-over) BUY, BUY, BUY! Horror, spooks, and thrills! Authentic merchandise! The Mystery Shack, open anytime! No, really. ANYTIME.
