In Another Life

Main Pairings: Axel/Roxas, Roxas/Namine

Side Pairings: Xigbar/Demyx, Roxas/Kairi, Sora/Kairi

A fragmented tale. Details of a relationship gone sour. This fic is going to be horribly disjointed, skipping around in time from chapter to chapter. The first few paragraphs of each will establish place and time, though, so hopefully you won't get lost. This fic will be this relationship from beginning to end, and the beginning of the healing process. Enjoy. And also? Reviews make me incredibly happy.


The apartment feels empty, and he thinks that his footsteps are echoing now in this mausoleum that was once so full of life. Smiles are something afforded by other people, and never for him. Not now, anyway. Not that he would know, though; he hasn't left his room for days. His head is pounding.

Or maybe that's the knocking at the door. Slowly he manages to drag himself out of bed and for a moment he thinks he's forgotten how to walk for all the stumbling he does on his way out. He doesn't bother to look through the peephole. He already knows who it is.

"I'm here to pick up my things."

Roxas is twenty-two now, the same age Axel was when they met. That had been so long ago, Axel thinks, realizing for the first time in a while that he's twenty-nine. And he was going to be thirty soon. Dammit, he was old.

The young blond looks so put-together for someone his age, so much more so than other fresh-faced college graduates. He looks positively sober, standing there with his blank face and new suit. He looks dead, Axel thinks, except for that spark of life that has never left his eyes. Axel sighs at this, knowing that he kept that flame burning once, but now it was someone else. He points to a box in the hallway.

"Fuck, Axel, what have you done to yourself?"

This was actually said almost immediately after the first comment, directly after Axel's broken-hearted sigh. Roxas is looking at him now, really looking at him, and the blank, poker face he had put on for this visit is instantly replaced by a look of concern.

"Nothing," Axel says, and he lets loose a small laugh, "literally. I've just been lying in bed since you left."

"That was three days ago! Jesus, have you eaten? You look like hell."

"Gee, thanks. Glad to know you still find me attractive."

"Come on, you need to eat something, drink something! God, I'm amazed you didn't die."

With that, Roxas grabs the older man's arm and pulls him, wobbly as he is, into the kitchen. Axel sits at the small kitchen table while Roxas roots around in the fridge, noting that indeed nothing had been touched since he left. He hurriedly makes a rather plain ham sandwich and pours a glass of juice and sets them down in front Axel, who devours them as quickly as the blond had prepared them. Roxas sits down across from him, watching concernedly as the other eats.

"Why have you been lying in bed for three days?" Roxas asks, raking a hand through his hair.

"Why did you leave?" Axel counters.

"Please, please let's not get into this again. I came here to get my things and leave, not fight with you."

"So why haven't you?"

"Axel," Roxas shoots pointedly.

"What? It's a legitimate question," the redhead replies nonchalantly, wiping breadcrumbs from his shirt.

"You know why I'm still here."

"Yeah, I do," Axel answers, looking the younger man in the eyes, "so stay."

Roxas shoots up from the table. "No!" he yells, glaring at the other. "Dammit, Axel, I've told you why I left and that hasn't changed! It didn't fucking change in the last three days and it's never going to!" he spits, because yelling seems to be the only thing that gets across to the older man, even if his replies are always calm.

Axel huffs and looks to the side, his hands knotting in his lap. "You don't just fall out of love with someone," he nearly whispers, and Roxas feels like he's going to scream.

"I've told you! I've told you and told you and told you the whys and the hows and whatever else you asked me! I'm not doing this again, I'm not. I'm leaving. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Goodbye, Axel." He's already halfway out of the room when Axel stops him.

"You did love me, didn't you?" he says feebly, not moving from his seat.

Roxas turns back around to stare at him, and he looks so pathetic, and Roxas actually pities him and then hates himself for thinking it. Axel isn't someone you pity; Axel is strong, and proud and arrogant and rude, not a whimpering shell of a man, not what Roxas is looking at now.

"You know," Roxas sighs, holding a hand over his eyes, "I don't even know anymore." He's leaving again.

"Wait!" Axel calls, "you can't just say that and then leave!"

A sigh racks him as he reenters the kitchen. "Look at yourself, Axel. Can you even stand? My God. I used to think—" he pauses and swallows thickly, "I used to look up to you! When I was a kid, you know? I used to think you were so fucking strong, and so wonderful, and so fucking perfect, and now… and now you can't even fucking feed yourself!" He's almost crying now and he feels weak, but all of it's true, and it's like watching one of his heroes fall. Axel's watching him with an expression of utter heartbreak, eyebrows drawn and lips parted in words he can't quite find. Roxas sighs again and continues. "It all feels like a lie now. Everything you ever said to me; I look back on all the times you reassured me and it just feels like a farce because now you can't even… you can't even…." He covers an eye with his hand and takes a steady breath to hold back his tears. Slowly he lowers it, and when it reaches his side he looks composed again. "I have to go now, Axel. I just came to pick up my things. She's waiting for me. I told her to come up if I wasn't back in ten minutes."

He doesn't say her name because he doesn't know if he should. The first time he said it in their apartment, he felt like he'd broken something. She had been a secret, and saying her name in the sanctity of their room had just felt so wrong, so he had vowed never to say it there again.

"Roxas…" Axel trailed, almost getting up but feeling faint when he tried.

"Take care of yourself, Axel. Please. You need to get out of here, you need to—"

"Everything in this place reminds me of you," Axel says, almost desperately, "the couch, your clothes, the pictures—my God, the fucking pictures—even the damned wall color reminds me of you." He sounds so distant that Roxas wonders if he's actually talking to him or just thinking out loud. "The bed… the sheets still smell like you, sweetheart. I don't wanna leave it, 'cause if I close my eyes, and if I lean against the pillows just the right way, and if the fan is on, I swear I can still feel you next to me. I can still…."

Axel's eyes are unfocused; the normally vibrant green dulled as tears sheen over the surface and start to flow downward. Roxas takes a step toward him. "Axel—"

"Four years!" he shouts, and it's the first time he's yelled since Roxas told him he was leaving. "Four years, Rox! Has it meant nothing to you? For you to just… to just pick up and leave like this, surely it must have been nothing. Just some stupid fling; some stupid fling where you lived together, slept in the same bed, told the poor sucker you loved him, over and over until he actually believed it. So go ahead and laugh, Roxas. Go ahead because that was a great fucking joke; sure pulled one over on me, huh? Had me—"

He's stopped by Roxas throwing his arms around his neck, holding him close and stroking his filthy hair. "Take care of yourself, Axel, please. Get out of here; move if you have to, just… just keep living. God, please." He kisses the older man's cheek and smiles at him sadly as he pulls away. "I did love you, I just…" he sighs again, standing. "She's waiting for me," he says, the words more of a plea than a statement.

Axel nods, wiping at an eye. "I'll walk you to the door."

He stands shakily. Roxas offers an arm but Axel shakes his head. When they reach the doorway Roxas lifts the box containing personal effects that he had forgotten and holds it under one arm. His free hand reaches up to brush Axel's lanky hair away from his face.

"Take care of yourself," he says again, and offers him a reassuring smile this time. Axel nods again, somehow smiling back. He lays his fingers over Roxas' hand.

"Can I… can I call you?" he asks timidly. Roxas sighs.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, baby," he says, unable to control the pet name he slips in. Axel frowns.

"Well then, I… I. Goodbye, Roxas," he says solemnly.

Roxas smiles softly again. "Bye, Axel," he whispers, giving his cheek one last caress with his hand before pulling away. And then he's out the door.

Axel can hear him talking to her on the other side.

"Why didn't you come in?" Roxas asks calmly.

"I… you were yelling. I didn't want to disturb you…" her fragile voice trails, and Axel thinks that everything about the woman Roxas left him for is fragile, from her pale blonde hair to her long, thin fingers. He scoffs. Roxas had called him weak.

"That was a sign that you should've come in," Roxas replies with only slight irritation.

"I… I'm sorry," she says, and Axel can practically hear her hang her head in shame.

"…It's okay," he hears Roxas say, in a tone Axel had only ever heard the younger man use on him, the sound of a kiss, and then there's silence from the other side.

Axel takes a picture of Roxas off the wall and slides down to the floor with his back against the front door. He looks at the smiling face for a moment, and then breaks the frame over his knee.

He is going to get through this.