A/N: Here's the first of many stupid, random, and totally pointless fics that I've written, but never typed up or posted! I'm going to try to post a few new fics, as well as finish the ones I've started! We all know this will never happen, but let's remain optimistic, shall we?

I just want to say that I love all the characters, despite the way I portray them. I do this sort of thing a lot, come to think of it…

Anyway, I LOVE feedback and I'll accept any sort of review-- flames, empty flattery, in-depth critique—anything makes me beam with happiness and sing songs of praise! So have fun and REVIEW! You never know—you and I could even become friends or something. Or better friends if we already are.

Ch.1: Campfire Philosophy!

In some remote, forested corner of Begnion, Greil's mercenaries were huddling around a campfire fueled by Hardtack biscuits and Rawhide. Assuming the stuff could burn in the real world, the fire stunk horribly, creating ideal conditions for what was about to happen, not unlike spontaneous bacterial growth. Except these weren't Bacterium, but rather Ike, Soren, Titania, Rolf, Oscar, Boyd and Marcia.

The camera zoomed in to allow us a closer look at what their Hardtack and Rawhide campfire will do to our dearly beloved mercenaries…

"The fire's low," Titania said with a shiver, wrapping her colossal braid around her like a shawl, "Put some more Hardtack on the fire, Boyd."

Boyd did as he was told and threw more "tinder" on the fire. After a minute or so, it began to crackle happily along with its kin. The very second the smoke wafted past Soren's nose, he dry heaved violently.

"Ike," Soren began weakly, "The smell is revolting—"Soren gagged and continued, "I can't stand to eat the stuff, much less SMELL it. So why are we burning this when we're in a FOREST!"

Ike shrugged with folded arms, "I Dunno. It was the first thing I came up with."

Holding his stomach, Soren gave a helpless whimper that no one heard, and he realized that nobody cared. Then he had the sudden urge to puke his guts out, so he bolted to do so at the base of a nearby tree.

"Eww!" Boyd exclaimed, "Why'd he have to toss his cookies closest to me!"

"You think you're so cool 'cause you're so smart, huh Soren!" Rolf protested, "But we aren't so dumb! We STARTED the fire with wood!"

"That's my little brother!" Oscar said, patting Rolf's head proudly, "We didn't raise you to be a dummy, that's for sure!"

"Wait a sec," Marcia said, "Aren't these supposed to be emergency rations?"

"…Maybe." Ike reacted, shooting her a dangerous glare, "Who wants to know?"

"Umm…I guess I do." She answered.

"Oh, ok." Ike said, and resumed his basket weaving as if nothing had happened.

Meanwhile, Soren had ralphed himself as clean as a whistle and stumbled back to the circle to bask in the warmth of the fire. "It's the worst when it first starts to burn."

There were various nods and mumbles of agreement emitted from among his comrades. After that, nobody really had anything to say, but it didn't really matter because conversation wasn't really a priority among them. Rolf, on the other hand couldn't stand the silence anymore and finally decided to turn the flow of conversation, or the lack thereof, to something to drastic, so crazy, it could only be blamed on his ignorance.

"So…" He piped up uncomfortably, "What's with all the Racism and stuff?"

Marcia, Oscar and Boyd all gasped in utter surprise.

"People are afraid of what's unfamiliar, that's all." Explained Titania, "Maybe one day you'll be able to help bridge the gap between the Laguz and Beorc."

Everybody grinned and gave Rolf an encouraging pat on the back. The world was a beautiful, happy place until it was shattered by Soren's critical snort.

"That'd be nice, but it'd never happen; especially if Rolf is heading the movement."

Rolf frowned. He huffed angrily, and grabbed a nearby stick to draw circles in the dirt.

"Why not?" Titania inquired, "All of us Mercenaries are getting along just fine."

Soren sighed exasperatedly, "Nobody's going to listen to mercenaries. The only people whose opinions really matter are the nobility, and the way things are going, I think they're more likely to kill each other than bear the other's presence."

Ike sat up, taking sudden interest in the conversation.

"C'mere boy." He commanded Rolf, "Come here and sit on my knee."

Startled, Rolf dropped the stick and glanced at his brothers questioningly. Oscar and Boyd exchanged glances and shrugged back to Rolf in reply.

Ike scowled, "I said get over here boy."

Rolf complied uncertainly, and hopped onto Ike's knee.

"Rolf," Ike began, resting a hand on the boy's shoulder as a father would, "An ideal world would be like a box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers."

Rolf's face contorted grotesquely due to the brain cramp he was experiencing, "Screaming Yellow what?"

"Screaming Yellow Zonkers. You know those things that are kinda like Crackerjacks or Caramel corn, except they're better." He explained as if everyone should know what he's talking about, and continued on despite their looks of total confusion.

"Rolf, it's your responsibility to construct this place; a utopia in a black cardboard box where both races are distributed equally, like crunchy popcorn and buttery caramel coating."

Rolf tilted his head to one side and scratched his noggin.

"A place where all can be educated and learn to co-exist with one another, realizing that a world with just crunchy popcorn or just buttery caramel coating would be a bland one indeed. That together, we can be far tastier than we ever could become on our own."

Rolf cocked an eyebrow, "What? Do you want me to lead people or a box of Caramel corn?"

"Screaming Yellow Zonkers." Ike corrected.

"Whatever."

"Rolf, once these quarrelling races have realized this, there WILL be a utopia where they can exist in harmony, lying undisturbed on a convenience store shelf for eons and eons." Ike drew to a close with sparkling eyes.

"Wow…that was, um…deep Commander." Oscar commented politely.

"Yeah, and that reminds me that I have to go now." Boyd said, taking off like a racehorse.

Rolf's eyes lit up, "Yeah, me too!" He said, hopping off Ike's knee and running for his life.

Gradually, the others carefully slipped away; first Marcia, then Soren, followed by Oscar, and lastly Titania.

Ike didn't even notice. He sat in solitude for a few minutes when suddenly a small owl swooped in and began flying around Ike's head and hooting like it was his job. Ike did his best to politely ignore the owl, but when it started running into his head, THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back. He drew his sword and in a flash, he had defeated the owl, slicing it in half.

He stood breathing like an enraged bull, but with his body otherwise totally frozen with one hand on his sword sheath and his other still fully extended from the previous sword stroke. A triumphant grin crept across face as he looked around for his foe. He spotted it, and the smile was instantly wiped off his face; he had killed an endangered Spotted Owl.

He sighed and sheathed his sword. He just knew that Lethe was going to have his head for this. She knew every animal in the forest on a first-name basis, and would notice if any of them didn't show up for one of her "seminars."

He almost began to fear for his life, but then he realized that she never had to know. So, he went to work putting together an incredibly complex plan involving both halves of the owl and a large pile of leaves.

He chuckled deviously and rubbed his hands together in satisfaction when the dirty deed was done and the wretched owl was safely hidden under a grand heap of leaves… or so he thought, but that will come later.

He turned to make his way back to camp when to Ike's utter surprise, his experience bar popped up and was topped off taking him from level 20 back to level one again, which could only mean one thing.

The heavens opened up and all the heavenly host broke out into awesome choruses praising the Almighty. The clouds parted and beams of glory poured out upon Ike, transfiguring him and filling his soul with a warmth he'd only felt once before in his life— the time had Oscar baked him an entire cherry pie and he ate it in one sitting before he had to share. But Ike turned his joyfully teary eyes to the heavens as his body was reborn, and he realized his new calling in life.

The light gradually dimmed and the new Ike was revealed to the world.

The title "Feng Shui Master!" popped up on the screen and Ike's new stat boosts magically pinged on his info card; he got a one up in Intelligence, coming to a whopping two points, and he even got a new mystery category called 'Chi' which started out with three points.

Now, confidently, Ike marched back to camp with his cool new title and his renewed determination to change the world in a way he would never had thought of before.

He disappeared into the darkness, and suddenly Soren's blood-chilling-- not to mention feminine-- scream pierced the night.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF, IKE!"

A/N: Well, what did you think? This is a pretty short chapter by my standards, and I hope it doesn't suck too badly.

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