Getting Unstuck
She never thought that she would get her heart broken. She never thought that anyone would ever see her as more than….'creepy', to use Beast Boy's favorite word. She never even dared to hope that someone would see past her cold exterior to the emotional vulnerability that lay beneath, and yet not be repulsed by such weakness. Affection had been born in her mind surprisingly quickly, soothing Timid and providing a perfect companion for Happy, but was torn to pieces but Rage and Sorrow only a few days later.
I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way
To leave the love behind
Months passed by, and yet she could not quite forget Malchior; even the fulfillment of the prophecy and the subsequent battles with the Brotherhood of Evil were merely distractions from her memories. Every day something would remind her of him and it was like the hole in her chest had been ripped open anew. Every time it happened she could still hear his cold, cruel laughter echoing once again in her mind.
I ain't trippin
I'm just missing you
You know what I'm saying
You know what I mean
You kept me hanging from a string
Why you make me cry?
I tried to give you everything
But you just gave me lies
Sometimes at night she would replay her time with Malchior in her mind, re-watching everything like the memories were a part of a movie reeling through her head. She had trusted him with her innermost hopes and secrets; she had believed that someone as screwed up as her, pardon her French, could be loved unequivocally. For that short time she believed that being ruled by her emotions was not something to be feared, that she in fact, would be allowed to truly feel without consequences. In return for everything she gave him, however, Malchior just gifted her a package of lies before ripping through it, and throwing the pieces back in her face. Those nights Sorrow let our piercing wails as tears stained her pillow and rain poured down in her mind.
Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do..
I'm such a fool
For you
I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you
It's true
I'm stuck on you
Some days, while the other Titans were filling the Tower with cheerful noise, she would visit Malchior's book, running her fingertips over the leather cover. Those days Rage would take hold, screaming vengeance in her mind as she smashed teacups and scoured that pretty leather cover with her nails. How she hated him! Yet, she still loved him. Although fashioned from mistruths, the happy world Malchior created had completed her. Despite the fact that the Titans accepted her, even after the identity of her father was revealed and she became the portal for his sin, even after she began to feel true contentment with her new life, the hole left by Malchior's betrayal still bled. She remained stuck on him.
Now love's a broken record that's
Been skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we got to play these games we play?
This cycle of Sorrow and Rage repeated week after week. She loved him, she hated him. She cried for the loss of innocence she never knew she had and swore she would never open up to someone again.
Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
When the urge to call Malchior back to this realm struck her, to convince him that she was worth loving, that she was not just some toy, Raven could not help but be glad that she had learned to isolate her bond to Robin from her everyday emotions. While her teammates knew she was still upset over what had happened, the empath did not want them to see the entirety of her weakness. It would humiliate her if they knew that she still wanted the illusion her abuser had first provided her.
I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you
It's true
I'm stuck on you
It hurt. It had taken so much trust to believe in love after her childhood. It had hurt so much when that trust was shattered. Damn him, it still hurt when she thought of what they use to have. She still mourned; she was still trapped in broken lies.
"Hey Rae!"
The sound of her name broke her from her musings. Raven pushed herself into a sitting position, suddenly breaking out into humorless chuckles, too low to be heard outside. To think she was lying prostrate on her bed, in the middle of the day, wallowing. She shook her head; she had been strong enough to defeat Trigon, the proverbial, and literal, monster under the bed. She had to be strong enough to overcome heart-break.
"Raven! Come on man, open the door already!" The girl winced as she stomped to the door, stretching her arms over her head and readying herself for whatever mischief the changeling had come up with this time. How her teammate managed to be so loud, only Azar knew.
Raven pulled up her hood, took a deep breath, and opened the door a crack, asking in her best monotone, "What."
Beast Boy grinned-giving her a good look at his fang-and wedged his food in the door. The both of them had changed dramatically since the Titans were founded nearly six years ago, well dramatic physical changes at least. Beast Boy had grown nearly a foot, now standing at an impressive 6'2, filled out around the shoulders, and lost the baby fat in his face. Raven had also lost the last of her baby fat, growing a little curvier. The biggest change however, was that she grew out her hair, the purple locks now falling to her waist.
The two seventeen year olds, one nearly eighteen, regarded each other carefully for a moment. The youngest of the Titans, not even teenagers when the team first came together, were very different personality wise. Raven, introverted and secretive, was a scholar who often acted a decade older than her true age. Beast Boy however, was childish, cracking bad jokes, making extremely stupid mistakes, and had an ego bigger than the Tower. Back then, Raven was astonished that he was infact three months her elder. Not much had changed in that respect….except that every now and then, beginning after his seventeenth birthday, Beast Boy had exhibited moments of seriousness.
'Low and behold, he just might be growing up,' she though wryly. Suddenly Beast Boy broke the silence, uncertainty marauding in his eyes.
"I've gotta question for you Rae, and I want you to wait until after I'm done before you slap me."
The empath looked at him sideways, now extremely curious as to what her teammate wanted. "One: don't call me Rae, its Rae-ven, two syllables, learn to pronounce both of them. Two: no promises."
Beast Boy sighed, running a hand through his spiky green hair. "Not gonna make this easy for me are you?" he asked.
"Nope."
"Fine." He sighed again. Shifted his weight from one foot to the other, then back again. Opened his mouth to say something….and stopped.
"Get on with it," Raven snapped, annoyance in her tone, although she could not help but to be secretly amused by his nervousness.
"Raven do you like anyone right now?"
She tried to slam the door shut...only to find his foot in the way. Snarling, she raised her hand to slap him, claw him, make him leave, but he caught it.
"Come on Rae, I'm not trying to be a jerk. It's important!" Beast Boy pleaded, hand tightening around her wrist, not enough to hurt, but enough to make a point. He wasn't letting this one go without a fight.
Raven closed her eyes. There was no point in lying, even he could probably see the truth, just by the state she was in now. Best to get it over with, to take the ridicule head-on without letting anyone see her flinch.
"No, I don't. Not since…..him. Happy now?" she spat at him.
"Yes."
She stopped, shocked, as a new look slid into the changeling's eyes. This one she had no name for, and she was afraid to use her empathy to find out. Did he truly hate her? Did he think her as weak as she thought herself to be?
Beast Boy grinned again, the hand around her wrist loosening its grip. Suddenly he pulled her into the hallway, letting her limp body slip through the crack between the wall and door.
"I really hoped that would be your answer," he said, beginning to look very mischievous.
"And why would th—"
He kissed her, stopping all words in her throat and thoughts in her head. Beast Boy pulled back, laughing.
"I've wanted to do that for awhile," he admitted.
As he looked down at her, somewhere in her mind Affection began to pull together the bloody pieces of herself. Happy rejoiced, throwing long forgotten daisy chains in the air. Sorrow began to cough blood, collapsing under the newfound surge of power from Happy and the other positive emotions. Rage hissed and grumbled, but did not quite mind being usurped by the mob led by Affection. It had been raining in Raven's mind for far too long. Somewhere, in a small corner, a new emotion began to unfurl, one that had never truly been felt before. Hope stretched her arms up, to the now clearing sky, her white cape fluttering in the wind. Even Rude could not help but laugh aloud, saying to herself, "It's about time Raven stopped being stuck on Melchior."
A/N: This is my first BB and Rae fanfic so bear with me. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. PLEASE REVEIW!
