Author's Note: I do not own Bones or Taylor Swift. If I owned Bones I wouldn't be working on school work, and if I owned Taylor Swift that would be illegal!
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand…
For once in my life I felt something.
I had always stated that love was irrelevant. That it is only a rush of chemicals that pulse through the brain. But tonight I didn't feel a rush of chemicals. For once I felt my heart dominating my mind. Pop's words were bouncing around my head screaming, "You don't want to have any regrets…" He was right. I didn't want to live my life secretly loving my partner. I couldn't continue living day by day knowing that I had turned down the best thing that had ever happened in my life. Booth and I were the center and he had to know how I felt.
I got the signal. It took me over six months, but I got it. I loved Booth and Booth loved me. At least he had before Hannah. Even if he didn't reciprocate those feelings anymore I felt the urge to tell him that I made a mistake, and so I did. I wasn't sure how he would react. A part of me hoped he would tell me he still loved me. That he and Hannah weren't working out, and that he and I were meant to be together. But I knew how he operated. Booth was noble to the core. He wouldn't leave Hannah just because I confessed my mistake, but a part of me still held onto hope that he would. He paused for a moment. I could tell that he was trying to phrase his wording just right. Now I can tell that he was trying to be gentle with me, but at the time I just wanted him to speak. When he did he said what I dreaded most.
"I'm with someone now, and Hannah…she isn't a consolation prize."
A part of me knew that was what he would say, but it still didn't ease my pain. I wasn't one to break down into tears, but I couldn't help the raw emotion that followed. Booth had turned me down. I finally broke down my walls and took a chance, and he said no. I wondered if that was how he felt when I had rejected him. At the time I wasn't ready for what he had to offer. I couldn't see myself committed to someone because I didn't believe that commitment existed. Now I knew, but it was too late.
He says he doesn't want to hurt me, and that those are the facts. Booth knew I relied on facts to live my life. Perhaps he was trying to help my rational brain realize that even though I regretted my decision the fact remained that he was with someone and she wasn't going anywhere. I could work off facts. I understood where was coming from. It didn't make me feel any better though.
My whole world had turned upside down. But like Micah said I could adjust. Booth asks if there is anyone he can call to be with me. Of course there isn't anyone because the one person I want to be with is him, but that's impossible now. I tell him I'll be fine alone. I had lived my life alone and I could remain that way. And that is how the night ended. We sat in silence until we arrived at my apartment. After a brief goodbye I exited his car and went into my apartment. I turned on my computer and began writing this journal entry. This night was too momentous not to document.
In parting there is one thing I know for sure. I took a chance tonight. I laid my heart on the line. I felt something. And if I were to die tomorrow I would die in peace. Suddenly, Avolan's words come to mind. "…this all works out eventually." A smile creeps onto my lips and I feel comfort. Perhaps she is right. Maybe one day this will all work out, but for now I can smile knowing that I have done the impossible. I felt love, and that is a fact.
Temperance
