Queer Eye, for the Goblin Guy
Name says it all!! Goblin Guy being our favorite King J/S
No Homo-Phobs allowed!!!!! But girls dont worry Jareth isnt gay in this!!!
I do not own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or the Labyrinth, its characters and its socks! hehe
'Ok guys, who's the lucky boy to receive our services today!!?' Jai jumped up gleefully.
'Well hons, it is quite tragic." Carson explained. "His name is Jareth, occupation - Goblin King ruler of the Labyrinth, His fashion crime- Still believing he can run a kingdom wearing a lifetime supply of spandex, leather vests, belts and riding crops that could also class as bondage gear, oh and slutty knee high boots- complete sissy and he is apparently straight!"
"Oh gawwwd Kyan, He wears MAKE UP!, I mean guys he is more of a poof than we are, and he just LOVES Glitter!!!" But the dead give away that he isn't is that his so called goblins cut his hair!!!! I mean it just sounds nasty doesn't it?"
"Ewwwww I so cant wait to get my hands on this man. I mean come on as if they don't have a qualified professional hairdresser underground?? " replied Kyan
"Trust me it gets better. In his Labyrinth Garden is.., oh god …..Thom you are gonna freak, a place called 'the bog of eternal stench' that apparently its PPEEEEE -EWWWW. And his castle is completely drab, his favorite room is an Escher room –literally- with just stairs in it that defy gravity and go nowhere!!! Its like BORING!!!"
"Ewwwwww, this guy needs to leave the artists to the art- and interior design!" Thom replied "Oh and as for this stinky bog….I am so seeing myself with Jareth and bags of scented candles, although I have to give him snaps for the rest of the Labyrinth gardens, I hear they are quite nice"
"And Ted darlz Oh god where do I begin........" carson said with a wrist flick
"Don't start it off by saying his goblins cook for him…." Ted said worriedly, "Please tell me he can atleast COOK!"
"He has never cooked a meal in his whole ROYAL life, and his goblins DO the cooking, I mean grotesque…but what's even sadder is that most of the time he just lives on peaches!"
"Oh god no, He has a peach fetish, I have heard of it its quite dangerous, especially when they are only supposed to be used for hallucinations…." Ted told the group seriously.
"Well his kitchen is a bomb, apparently specials of the day include 'slime and snails and puppy dogs tails'"
'Shudder'- all of the fab 5
"And Jai you will have your work cut out for you. He wants to propose to his poor fiancé Sarah Williams according to his friend Hoggle but it's a big secret, Sarah only knows that we are coming to help get Jareth metro the right way! His hunny has had a bit of a rocky past with him after he stole her baby brother in which she had to defeat his Labyrinth to get the lil boy back, while he drugged her with one of those so called peaches."
"Say WHHATTT!!" they all said in unisen, hand on hip, wave of other hand in air
"YA, and he wants to propose tonight of all nights!! So Jai he's gonna need some prepping!!! And remember guys …SARAH CAN'T KNOW- she thinks that after we are here shes just gonna go on a date with him!"
"Oh don't worry about that! I am sooooo on to it already" Jai said knowingly, "He wont know what hit him when I make him remember 10 pages of cliff's notes!!"
"Well its alllll in the past now, he came to his senses, apologized, she rocked his world and now they are completely in love one another!!!!"
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!" the group sighed happily
"But as we all know, love is grand but he has to pick his act up if he wants to be a big strong, straight man, with taste, to wed this bella…so that's where we come in (apart from the straight part!)!." Carson said proudly looking at his friends.
"He is completely confused by the sounds of it, running around looking like a woman, yet has no concept of how to treat one, we so gotta help him out!!!" Jai cried out, slapping his forehead. "Sarah might prefer to marry one of his goblins otherwise!"
"Ok but how do we get underground?" Thom asked
"Well according to Sarah she said stay in the car and wish for the goblins to take us away, and we can go in between worlds by using these crystals Hoggle gave us, so come on fella's lets go get this pansy who dares to call himself straight!"
Theme song, all things keep getting better!!!! yaeeeaaayyyy
Underground- Jareths Castle
Throne Room
Ding dong ding dong DING DONG
"Oh my lord who installed this infernal racket device" Jareth said getting up off his throne. Dressed in his spandex, poets shirt, black leather vest and knee highs. Still hot none-the-less.
"Oh errr Lady Sarah got it installed your Majesty" a goblin said cowardly.
"Sarah, sigh My love…….Ding ding ding dong ding dong ARGH OK I AM COMING!" a frustrated Jareth said, thinking it may be Sarah though, getting up off his throne walking to the front doors.
For what Jareth was about to endure he had no preparation for, as Sarah and Hoggle sneakily arranged the Fab 5 just to show up!! Payback for a LONG engagement on Sarah's part, Knowing that Jareth was planning on proposing tonight on Hoggles part!!
"Ooooooooooo You must be Jareth" Carson cooed hugging him abit too closely for Jareths liking "YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!", followed by the rest of the Fab 5 swarming him with hugs and oo's and ar's.
Jareth left looking dumbfounded, then came to his senses, swatting them off him with a WTF look on his face
"Oh I can see what Sarah was talking about though- the Spandex!!, I don't know whether to handcuff you now…glancing down at Jareths 'package'….or in my bedroom!!!" Carson said pulling at the spandex then letting it go, snapping at Jareth's right leg.
"OUCH! THAT HURT YOU KNOW" Jareth whined
"Awwww sawy baby" Carson replied pouting with a baby voice
"Its alright" Jareth said straightening himself then realizing what Carson just said he yelled again.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE AND HOW DO YOU KNOW SARAH" Jareth roared
"Oh no let me investigate this…." Kyan said cutting in grabbing a large strand of Jareths hair, "No NO NOOOO, Jareth feel your hair you naughty man" at which Jareth actually obeyed and felt a piece of his hair with a questioning look on his face.
"Yes what is exactly wrong with it?????"
"Omg OH MY GOD you cant feel that??
"No" Jareth said definsively
"Its called dry, un-managable, IN DESPERATE NEED FOR A TREATMENT!!!" Kyan said slapping Jareth on the arm
"Actually I like it this way….ARE YOU IMBECILES going to answer my question, why are here and HOW DO YOU KNOW SARAH??!!!!"
"Oh chill J-man, I see I am gonna have to work on your anger management issues. Sarah is our fag-hag! " Jai replied protectively but laughing.
"Your what??"
"Fag-hag…ya know….FAG……HAG..…..Look, the thing is she and your friend Hoggle sent us as a present to you" Jai said then whispering to Ted "One that you don't give back in this guys case" at which they both laughed, peeving off Jareth even more
"Sarah I can understand all of…this…for some strange reason…but Haggle, I thought he would give me abit more respect!"
"WHAT on earth!" Thom said as he pushed his way past Jareth, flapping his arms around like a mad women, looking around the messy, very un-hygienic throne room, seeing drunk, passed out goblins on the ground. "OK First things first you little goblins get the hell out of here and get some facials", handing them all Jurlique Gift Certificates. At which the goblins actually accepted, even jumping up and down in excitement of getting a 'facial'
"Awww how sweet Thom, babies first facials" Ted said at which they both started fake crying, holding one another
"Commminnnnnggg through" Carson, Jai and Kyan yelled like trains going 5,000km per hr, making a sprint for Jareths bedroom for his wardrobe. Jareth still just stood there looking, mouth wide open at the rudeness of invasion of privacy, then realizing where they were going, chased after them, scared of what would happen next.
"Hey Ted you better come in here" Jai screamed. He had taken a detour into the 'Kitchen' and Ted ran in and nearly died on sight. There was One word for it. 'So wheres the nearest McDonalds'.
Ok so it was five words! OKAY A SENTENCE!
Back in Jareths Room
"Now where's the porn, where's the porn……." Carson said throwing out all of Jareth's wardrobe contents on the bed " if I was a spandex luvin Goblin King Id keep my porn….AH HERE!!!!" Carson grabbed out a box hidden in a small storage spot above one of the top shelves, that had written clearly on top 'Private'.
"IF YOU OPEN……uneven breathing from running……………. THAT I WILL THROW YOU ……………gasp……….STRAIGHT INTO THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH BEFORE YOU CAN BLINK" Jareth said who was now leaning on the door frame puffed out, after chasing the men into his room. He wasn't used to this much 'excitement' if that's what you could call it, but he couldn't exactly hurt them if these people were meant to be some kind of 'present' from Sarah, or even Hoggle.
"Oh my god is that SARAH JESSICA PARKER " Carson pointed with one hand in the direction behind Jareth, but as soon as Jareth turned around, Carson had already ripped the lid off the box!!
"What is this!!! H A HA HA HA HA HA OH GUYS COME SEE THIS" Carson bellowed out at which they all came to investigate. Inside Jareths so called 'porn' box was a bunch of drawings of Sarah naked, a copy of Kama Sutra – Goblin Style, and Jareths 'personal' Diary.
Jareth by this time was fuming so bad you could see steam coming out of his ears.
"I am gonna pee myself so bad!!! Listen to this…" Jai started reading from the Diary he snatched out the box, "Day 1,590, Sarah was about to take me to the next step in our relationship today until she felt me up and discovered 'sockie' in my pants. I swear its like I forgot I put him there, I mean I know I am big down below, but I am still SOOO self conscious, and on 10th date. I've never hit a home run in my LIFE for all the times I've bragged, Im just A SIISSY VIRGIN!! IT'S NOT FAIIIIIRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!but still I don't know how Id live without 'sockie, we go everywhere together….."Jai couldn't finish he was laughing so much
And by this time even a few remaining goblins were literally pissing their pants over hearing this confession from the Kings diary, and well the Fab 5, were in hysterics rolling around the floor.
"I have tried to be kind, tried to be fair by not killing you on first sight, BUT NOW YOU HAVE REALLY PUSHED ME TOO FAR" Jareth yelled "GIVE ME MY DAMN DIARY BACK" he rushed over to Jai and snatched it out of his hands like a girl on her monthly.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
"Oh come on Jareth" Thom said with a reassuring hand on his shoulder
Jareth flinched and crossed his arms. "Well WHO do you people think you are rummaging through my 'personals', I am King and could have you all seriously hurt for this" Jareth said walking over to the bed snatching his private 'porn' box away and making it vanish into thin air.
"Jareth babe, we are a bunch of lovely lads, or poofs, whatever u want, here to help you with your big night tonight. You do want your sweet lil Sarah girly right?" Carson said getting up off the floor, walking over to Jareth.
"Well of course I damn well do, she is my life, my love, I want to give her everything, I want to be the man of her dreams"
"I don't know if you know much about mortal women, but we know what they want in a man, what they dream about in a man, becausewe want the same men they do!" At which Jareth raised one eye, a bit confused at what they were saying but interested
"Look, think of us as a bunch of girls here to guide you in the right direction concerning Sarah" Carson added
"You are already the man of her dreams, but the man of her dreams by the looks of it needs a bit of tuning up before he pops the big question tonight" Kyan said still eyeing the crazy hair.
"Pop's the big question….HOGGLE! He hasn't said anything to Sarah has he?" Jareth said angrily when he finally figured out what Hoggle's part behind this was
"No no nooo, Hoggle hasn't said anything to her, just us!! Take those tights off they are making you all antsy pantzy!- and no more 'sockies'!!!!!!" Carson said turning back towards the wardrobe, shuving balls of socks into an empty cardboard box
"Hmmm ok, maybe I do need a bit of help…" Jareth admitted stroking his chin with a leather clad glove
"ABIT! HA! understatement of a Vogue Living century " Thom said from the hallway staring into the throne room that basically just consisted of a throne and cushion pit in the middle, grey being the predominant colour. Ale and food scrapings all over the place from dirty goblins.
"You think that's bad Thom! Jareth come with me…I think you need to know where your kitchen is and what state its in" Ted said dragging Jareth by his arm
"What are you DOING, I am King, I have GOBLINS who COOK for me" Jareth said while Ted was still persistent, dragging him along
"Yes, and that's the FIRST problem identified" as he dragged him into the messed up kitchen, ten times worse looking than the throne room
Kicking a drunk goblin that got in the way, which brought some relief to Jareth but made Ted give him a 'You bad man' stare, he walked up to the main bench and had to agree with Ted.
"Jareth,..." Ted said, now behind the opened refridgerater door, "I have no idea what kind of meat this is but I am pretty sure it shouldnt be moving" Ted said holding up something that looked a dead skinned rat crossed between some other form of road-kill, and it was 'shaking'. "I just hope you lil goblins havent been serving you up this....whatever it is"
Jareth now looked like he was about to puke himself, looking away with his hand over his mouth.
"Ok I can see we are going to have to go on a little above ground mission to some place foreign to you, the grocery store, and THEN I am going to teach you how to cook, I want you to cook something for Sarah tonight so she knows you are not completely domestically-challanged"
"Ok Ted but first " Jai bounced in and grabbed Jareths arm "We need a lil talk on exactly 'how' he plans on proposing tonight to Sarah!!!" and with that dragged him out into the hall way to a seat.
