Warnings: Profanity, references to sex, mega Twilight bashing

Author's Note: So, this story is already finished. It's tiny and ridiculous and full of randomness, and to be quite frank, it's an embarrassment. Which is why it isn't on my main account. It was co-written by three authors, credited at the end of the story. The main author, however, was myself. Let's call me L-chan, shall we? Yes, L-chan works just fine. At any rate, this is very short and don't expect too much from any of the further chapters. Enjoy.

Edit: Apologies for the alert, I was simply fixing up the format a bit.


Baby

by L-chan, Tclc and Zeta Sigma


Prologue

Telephone


Bella was happy.

Of course, that was nothing new. The author, Stephenie Meyer, seemed to make it her goal in life to ensure that the girl never experienced any real troubles- despite her best friend turning into a pedophile. On her daughter. And Bella is perfectly okay with this. However, as The Thing does not exist in the following story, we shall now shut up about her.

It was just another day in the stupid, rainy (very rainy, don't forget to mention that) day in Forks. Bella and her husband were shut up in their bedroom for the fourth day in a row. If they had had a poor innocent daughter with an awful name like Reneesme, she would have been banished from the house in the interest of protecting her ears.

Note: Never let Bella and Edward name anything. Ever.

EVER.

(Sammyramidae and Loiiina feel compelled to note that this includes innocent fish such as themselves.)

At any rate, as Bella and Edward finally managed to control their raging hormones which had not improved much since she had been turned, the mailman arrived.

"MAIL!" he yelled.

"MAIL!"

"Mail?" Bella asked dumbly.

"That's right, miss, MAIL! MAIL!"
"Shut the fuck up," said Edward. "And stop thinking. Your thoughts are annoying."

Mail, mail! Thought the mailman.

"I SAID SHUT UP!"

The mailman stood at the door for four and a half hours while Bella and Edward got re-occupied.

Finally, they remembered him… mostly because his thoughts were distracting Edward.

"Bella, I love… I love… MAIL!"

At this point, they got themselves dressed (for the first time in a while, I feel compelled to add), and went downstairs.

"I have mail!" the mailman said proudly.

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you have mail. Now who's it for?" Bella asked.

"MAIL!" the mailman yelled.

Edward knocked him out.

After rooting through his mailbag for a while, he succeeded in finding an envelope with "Bella Cullen" written across it.

He then opened it.

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU OPEN MY- I mean, of course you can read my mail, Edward. I don't care if you're over-controlling and abusive. I love you."

Edward's face turned solemn as he scanned his (undead) wife's mail.

"BELLA! Oh… oh no! THIS IS AWFUL!"

"What is it, Edward?" Bella asked, feeling a bit like a babysitter.

"THIS IS AWFUL!"

"Edward, tell me. What the fuck. You're yelling about."

"YOUR VISA EXPIRED!"

-end of Prologue-