It had to be at least two in the morning, there was no light in Ally Dawson's bedroom, however the couple remained silent on her carpeted floor, Austin's back against her bed as Ally's petite frame sat in his lap. The silence wasn't awkward, it was far from it, Austin wrapped his arms around her petite frame, her head resting on his chest, inhaling his boyish scent.
Tonight had been worse than any other night. Usually, Ally would call Austin up at ungodly times in the morning because she was having a panic attack and she didn't feel comfortable with her dad, so he would sit on the other end of the phone, helping her through it and whispering her words of comfort in his sleepy, yet alarmed, state.
However, when Ally called Austin tonight, she was crying and freaking out worse than usual, and since her dad wasn't home, she couldn't do anything. Never in her life had she experienced a panic attack as bad as the one she had had half an hour ago, she was almost screaming as she begged for him to come over.
Of course Austin came over. With every cry down the phone that came his way as he quickly drove to her house, his heart broke even more and he became even more determined to sit with her through her panic attack. He was nervous; he had never seen her have a panic attack in person before, he had only heard her desperate cries, heavy breathing and freaking out over the phone at three am- he didn't know what to expect.
When he turned up, he didn't bother going through the front door as he knew it was locked and Ally was upstairs in her bedroom, so he climbed up the tree in her back garden and through her window which was open ready for him to come through. His best friend remained in the corner of the room, her knees pulled up to her chest as she rocked herself back and forth, her breaths heavy and tears streaming down her face.
Austin, the very first day he found out Ally had anxiety, looked up how to help someone having a panic attack- so he knew faintly the basics of what to do. He asked her whether she needed space or not, and Ally shook her head, reaching her arms out and wrapping them around his neck. He whispered sweet words of comfort into her ear, not asking what had happened since it could trigger another panic attack, rubbing her back and letting her cry on his shoulder.
He wondered why Ally didn't call her boyfriend, Dallas, since they had been dating for about two and a half years now. He had had a crush on his best friend since the moment he lay eyes on her at Sonic Boom three summers ago. In fact, there three-year friendship anniversary was in four days. Austin hated Dallas with a burning passion; he knew that there was something wrong with the guy.
"I-I," she let out a shaky breath. "Oh my God, Austin. I can't breathe, it hurts, I can't-" Austin didn't say anything, he just hushed her, pulling out a cold water bottle from his backpack that he had in his car for emergencies. She took a sip, her hands shaking and her heart beating so much that Austin could feel in thumping against his chest. It wasn't like a normal heart beat- it was like someone knocking frantically on a door over and over.
It lasted half an hour- the longest half an hour of both of their entire lives until Ally had managed to calm down with the help of Austin. Now they just remained on the floor at two in the morning, cuddling each other, more like a couple than best friends. But secretly, neither of them minded, they both wanted to help each other and love each other in more ways than just a best friend can do, ever since they day that they first met.
Yes, Ally liked Austin; she knew that it was terribly wrong to not love the man she had been dating for the past two and a half years, however she had always had a small crush on Austin for the past three years. Dating Dallas got rid of her crush, but recently her feelings started to return as Dallas became more distant.
He remembered the first time he found her having a panic attack. They were both only fifteen and he walked into the practice room only to find her rocking back and forth, breathing loudly, her hands tugging at her hair. They had only been friends for about two months, but since then he had vowed that he would help her every time she had a panic attack- and he had kept his word up to date.
The blonde teenager wanted to know why she had panic attacks and such bad anxiety, he wanted to know why she was so scared of the world when it was so beautiful and why she wasn't confident when she was so beautiful. He had looked up on Google causes for anxiety and the website that came up just said a bunch of rubbish about how it wasn't sure but it could be stress, biologically, low self-esteem, personal weakness, character flaws and a bunch of scientific words that Austin didn't understand.
So of course he couldn't ask the scared brunette in his arms why she was the way she was, because chances are, she didn't know how she developed anxiety disorder. She said she'd had it since she was around twelve, but that didn't come as much use for Austin. His closest guess was that she had an extremely low self-esteem and was constantly cautious of what other people thought of her, so she would dwell on it for hours at end and panic about it.
Austin knew that even Dallas didn't know about her awful panic attacks and how it was him that she always called to help her at three in the morning or two in the afternoon. It was him that she trusted with her secret- that she had an anxiety disorder. And every time Dallas would brag about how he had Ally, he wanted to brag about how Ally trusted him more than Dallas, however he respected Ally and girls in general far too much.
Sometimes he pondered why Ally didn't trust Dallas with her anxiety disorder. They always told each other that they loved each other- did that not mean that he would love her unconditionally, anxiety disorder or not? He dared to ask Ally once, and she just shrugged. She didn't say much, something about it being embarrassing and that Austin's gentler with her. That just made him think more; did Dallas get angry with her often?
He couldn't help but worry and be over protective over his best friend that he loved so much. Austin was willing to do anything for her. Trish and Dez had even came up with a name for how Austin reacted; over protective best friend mode. They would always exchange glances when Austin became enraged with a guy hitting on his best friend, or when she looked ill he wouldn't stop worrying. He cared too much about her.
He wasn't sure why most of her panic attacks where at three in the morning, he wasn't even sure why she was up at three in the morning. Austin would always be in bed warm and comfy by at least ten, maybe text Ally or Dez for a while and then go to sleep afterwards. But it had become a routine for him to wake up every other day from Ally's scared phone calls, and lately his body had adjusted itself to wake up at half past two, just before when she called most nights.
Austin wasn't mad at Ally for making him so tired in the mornings; he could never be mad at the girl that he loved so dearly. He'd rather be tired in the morning than know that Ally was upset and scared and he was just sleeping through it. To help and hear Ally calm down through the phone about three nights a week made him feel proud.
His phone buzzing on the floor beside him brought him back from his thoughts and he saw that his parents were texting him, asking where he was.
Sorry mum, Ally has an anxiety disorder (please don't tell her I told you or tell anyone else) and her dads away so she had no one and she was having a really bad panic attack so I went over to help her.
Okay, honey. I hope you're not lying to me otherwise I will be very disappointed Austin Moon. Be home tomorrow by ten x
"D-Do you want me to stay the night, Alls?" Austin hesitated to ask, feeling butterflies in his stomach as he watched her nod, sniffle and stand up. Since the both of them were already in their pyjamas, Ally took his hand and pulled him into her bed, cuddling his chest as she pulled the blankets over them. "A-Are you sure you don't want me to sleep on the floor?"
"You're my best friend and I need you," she whispered against Austin's chest, her arms wrapped around his torso as he moved his arms to wrap around her petite frame, their legs tangled together under the sheets. As Austin rested his chin on her head gently, the only noise in the room was Ally's fan buzzing by her open window since it was summer in Miami and her soft snores as she drifted to sleep.
Ally woke up the next morning, stretching her arms slightly to wake herself up. The sun was beating down through the window since she hadn't closed her curtains last night and it had to already be around seventy degrees in the room. She felt calm as she watched Austin sleep beside her before realising something.
She wasn't wearing any makeup. No, it wasn't about what Austin thought about her beauty and how she looked; it was about the scars and bruises across her body that he couldn't see last night since it was so dark. A feeling of dread was placed on her shoulders and she felt like weights were in her stomach as she rushed to the bathroom, gently pulling herself away from Austin's tight grip on her body.
Once she was in the bathroom she looked in the mirror at the fucked up mess that was herself. Bruises of every colour, scars, cuts and burns of every shade and width were dotted around her body, making her feel ugly. She quickly applied all of her moisturisers and creams before putting on her makeup so that she didn't get spots or bad skin.
After around fifteen minutes Ally looked at herself in the mirror with a smile of satisfaction on her small face. She put on some lipstick, not too dark, some mascara and light eyeshadow, and finally brushed her teeth before leaving the room to find Austin sat up, a confused and sleepy look on his face.
"Good morning, Austin." She smiled, like nothing from last night had happened. Austin just blinked a couple of times, running a hand through his hair and looking around the room, taking everything in. "I'm about to get dressed so you can use the shower if you would like."
He nodded, a small smile on his face as he gave her a quick hug and wondered down the hallway, locking himself in the bathroom. Ally took this as an opportunity to quickly rip off her clothes and put on some black skinny jeans, wedges and a red and black plaid shirt. She sprayed a little bit of her perfume and deodorant before going downstairs and starting to make pancakes for Austin.
It was the least that she could do for him since he came over last night and stayed with her until he knew that she was okay. Ally made the pancakes into different shapes, only she found them really difficult so she just settled with love heart shapes. Austin came downstairs, squealing at the sight of the pancakes being flipped in front of him.
"Where did you get those clothes from?" Ally asked him when she placed a plate of eight heart pancakes in front of him. Austin was dressed in a white muscle tee that stuck to his body (and damn was Ally having trouble not staring at the beautiful creation in front of her), blue jeans and his favourite high tops, with his hair finished to perfection, topping off his whole look.
"My mum always makes me leave a backpack with stuff in it in case my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere so I have clothes, food, drink and other stuff. That's why I had the water bottle for you last night," he smiled at me as he began to eat his pancakes. "Hmm, these are so good Ally!" He raised an eyebrow. "Heart pancakes? Does someone have a crush on me?" He joked, winking.
"Ha, no!" Ally laughed, trying to sound convincing. Luckily it worked because Austin just laughed too, despite the fact that it had really took a blow to his heart. He sunk into his chair, trying not to seem disappointed as he carried on eating the delicious pancakes on the plate before him. He tried not to take it to heart, after all, what had he expected? They had broken up four months ago, it wasn't like she liked him back- she was dating Dallas for goodness sake.
Besides, he said it in a joking manner anyway- it's not like he expected her to confess her undying love for him then and there and for them to get married and have babies called Calum and Cara. It was a joke- she didn't like him like he liked her, she responded exactly how he knew she would respond and he was being pathetic. But deep down it still hurt that he knew that they didn't have a future together other than being best friends.
Austin had been so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed Ally get up and go and get herself a drink of organic orange juice, pouring him a glass. He thanked her as she sat down, smiling at him and taking out her song book, writing a couple of lines in there. He hadn't seen her song book in ages, she always seemed to leave it at home for the past five months. She always used to have it with her, wherever they were, even on the beach.
Sometimes, not lately however, Austin and Ally would sit behind the piano in the practice room, where Ally often taught children how to play different instruments, and mess around, writing random songs- some serious, some just stupid ones about rude stuff that they would show Trish and Dez and the four of them would laugh and perform them to each other. However, what was said in the practice room never left the practice room- it was like a law between the four best friends.
"What's the time?" Austin suddenly asked her as he finished up his pancakes and orange juice.
Ally looked at the watch on her wrist, "Ur, it's quarter to ten, why?"
"My parents want me home by ten, will you be okay if I leave you now?" He asked, standing up, tucking his chair under the table and putting his things in the sink.
"Of course," Ally smiled, hugging him goodbye at the front door. "Trish and I are going shopping and then for lunch anyway. Maybe you and Dez can come for lunch around one?"
"Sounds great, bye Alls." He kissed her forehead, something they always did, and rushed out the door into his car, driving down the road since he was going to be late home.
Ally sighed as she closed the door, lifting up the sleeves of her plaid shirt to rub her wrists gently. The scars on them ached, they had been aching since her last relapse; seven O'clock last night. She thought that she would be fine; that she could live her life without wanting to hurt herself because of him. But she was wrong. No matter how hard she tried to love herself, she couldn't.
She told herself a long time ago that she deserved it. Around the time that it started happening, she would do it so she felt control. Anxiety is a flaw; anxiety gives you no control, you can't help feeling scared even in the safety of your own home, the panic attacks just consume and take over your life. She couldn't control him, she couldn't control her anxiety, her friends, her parents, or anything else in the world except the pain that she made herself feel. The pain that she wanted to feel because she inflicted it, she did it to herself.
Ally Dawson was dangerous. Not to others, but herself. She could pull out the blade from a sharpener anytime she wanted and cut herself, make her feel control and the pain that she thought she deserved. Telling Austin about her anxiety disorder was enough, she couldn't handle to see the pain in his eyes if she told him that she hated herself to the point where she felt the need to permanently damage and harm herself.
Ally's phone buzzed in her hands, snapping her out of her train of thoughts as she read her text message.
I've been waiting at sonic boom for ten minutes now. Normally I'm the one that's always late. The first time I show up on time and you're late! – Trish
Sorry, Trish. Austin only just left :/ I'm on my way :-) – Ally
Austin stayed the night!? Did you break up with Dallas? – Trish
No! I love Dallas. – Ally
The sooner you leave him the better- Trish
I'm not leaving Dallas, Trish. I love him like you love Dez. – Ally
I love Dez one hundred times more than you love Dallas and you know it Ally. The sooner you break up with him the quicker you're free and he won't hurt you anymore. I'm sick of having to cover for you and watching all these bruises appear on your body! – Trish
But I love him- Ally
Clearly your idea of love is kind of fucked up then- Trish
He treats me like a princess! – Ally
Yeah, if he treats you like a princess then he must be Bowser. – Trish
He bought me a necklace a couple days ago- Ally
To replace the one that Austin gave you because he was mad at you for wearing Austin's and not his. And then what did he do? Huh Ally? -Trish
I don't want to talk… or text about it Trish, the past is in the past – Ally
Yeah well you need to start thinking about your future too. You're not going to get anywhere with an abusive boyfriend beating you every time you say something wrong or talk to your best friend – Trish
I'm dealing with it. I'll be there in a few- Ally
Trish sat at the food court, drinking from her strawberry milkshake, furiously texting her naïve best friend with the other hand. She wondered what happened to Ally. Ally signed petitions to stop domestic abuse, she fought for equal female rights, Ally was a feminist. And now she makes up excuses for her boyfriend beating her up? It wasn't the Ally that Trish knew.
She sat there, waiting for Ally to turn up, debating whether to screenshot and send their conversation to Austin.
Hey guys, Alisha here!
I am fully aware that this chapter was fucking awful and I'm doing my best to make up a good plot for the rest of the story. This is just kind of a chapter that tells you what exactly is going on behind closed doors, Austin and Ally's relationship and who knows what.
The next chapter should have some drama in it, however I am debating whether this story is just going to a flop as I have more Austin and Ally ideas that are much more exciting than this and I really want to write them.
Anyways, hope you guys have a great new year!
