Help Myself

All the usual disclaimers: I am owned by two cats who require much service, but me, I own nothing.

This is titled after a Julia Fordham song, "I Can't Help Myself"

"I can't help myself / Help myself / I'm lost in you"

Summary: Shippy, but it doesn't end where it begins. Sara's leaving Las Vegas, but her past follows her.

Leaving Las Vegas

"What's this?" Grissom asked, holding up the envelope with a puzzled look.

Sara gazed at him with the saddest expression he had ever seen on her face. She looked worn and tired; the dark circles under her eyes, hollow cheeks, and worry lines, all recent, he knew, did nothing to diminish her beauty, but the spark in her eyes was gone. She looked hollow, emptied, and her voice when she spoke did nothing to dispel the impression. "Have you figured it out?"

"What's in the envelope? No, otherwise, I wouldn't have asked." His voice is patient, quiet, and soft in his attempt to put her at ease.

She shook her head. "No, not the envelope. We'll get to that later." She raised her head from where she had been studying the floor, "Have you figured out what to do about this?" The slight emphasis on the last word told him all he needed to know, and he exhaled audibly.

"Sara..." he began.

She cut off his explanation. "It's a yes or no question, not an essay. Have you?"

He saw the pain and anguish in her dark eyes, and he knew he had caused much of it. He had hoped, someday, to be able to be the person to make her happy. All of his rationales aside, he had invited her to Las Vegas simply to be closer to her, to see her everyday instead of talking to her on the phone. He had wanted her, as friend and colleague, but once she got here, he had realized his mistake. His feelings were beyond friendship, but he was powerless to act on them. Had been powerless to act on them for years, and while he had suffered because of it, the real toll had been taken on Sara. And still, he was unable to act.

"No." He saw her eyes close and her jaw clench as she absorbed the pain, and he wanted to take her in his arms and make all that go away. But he had never known what to do about love, even though he had agonized over it for the last two years.

When she opened her eyes, Sara nodded her head, as if she had anticipated his answer. And she had. "Then I have." He knew what was going to happen next, a scene he had relived over and over again to try break himself out of the avoidance pattern he had been in. "My resignation is in the envelope. I've leaving."

"Sara... Is there anything...?"

Her quiet laughter stopped him. "The chance to convince me to stay expired about three minutes ago." Her gaze froze him to his chair when he opened his mouth to speak again. "Gil." She had never used his first name, and it felt like a knife in his gut as his name came out as a cry of anguish, and not love or passion, as he had once imagined. "Let me go. Please. I can't... do this anymore. I've waited but I can't, not anymore."

He nodded his understanding. If he couldn't make her happy, at least he could stop making her so sad. "Can you stay until we get a replacement?"

"You have two weeks," she said, with a finality that made his heart stop. "I start my new job in a month."

"FBI?"

She shook her head. "Back to San Francisco."

His brows knitted. "San Francisco? But the lab is clearly inferior, in every way. Solve rate, equipment... At least look at some federal labs, where your expertise will be valued."

The smile on her face was the first genuine one he had seen for a while. "Actually, that's why they want me. I'm going to be the second shift supervisor."

"Congratulations," he managed to squeeze out past the lump in his throat. "We'll miss you." She nodded, again as if she anticipated his response, and turned. "Sara?" She turned back. "I'll miss you." Then she was gone and he sat in his office in silence for a long, long time.

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Catherine walked down the hall, mentally kicking herself for walking into such a personal moment for both Grissom and Sara, and not leaving as soon as she realized what was happening. Everyone knew about Grissom and Sara in the lab; it had been hard not to, they way they acted around at each other when Sara first arrived and the recent tension and angst between them recently. It was also clear that they never acted on their feelings, and while most of the people at the lab had watched with some degree of concern, they had also silently supported the two getting together, secretly wanting them to be happy. But now, it was over, and while Catherine was sorry to see Sara go, she hoped Sara would be happy again. Catherine paused outside the break room, sighed and ran a hand through her hair, before plastering a smile on her face and walking briskly in.

Everyone looked up and said hi, but Catherine only had eyes for Sara, who was curled up on a couch reading a forensic journal. While she looked sad, Catherine could see the strain which had pulled the features of her face into a permanent scowl has lessen, eased, as if making the decision to go had lifted a burden from her shoulders.

"Hey Cath," Nick called, "have you seen Grissom? He's late again."

Catherine started to reply when Sara interrupted her, "He, um, might be dealing with some paperwork. Guys, I have something to tell you." All eyes were on her now as she quietly told them the news. "I gave my notice. I'm leaving."

"You're leaving?" Nick looked heartbroken. "Why?"

"Job opportunity, too good to pass up."

"But," Nick sputtered, genuinely upset. Warrick, meanwhile, caught more of the subtext of her words, and walked over to her and enveloped her in a big hug and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Congratulations, Sara." He held her in the hug for a few more minutes, gazing down at her. "We're going to miss you," he said, unintentionally echoing Grissom's words, and her eyes filled with tears. "But some lab is going to be very lucky to have you." They shared a laugh as Sara blinked away the tears.

Nick caught her in a bear hug as soon as Warrick let go. "I'm going to miss you," he said quietly, in his soft Texas drawl. "It won't be the same around here without you." He kissed her forehead, and rested his chin against hers. "Your constant caterwaul... I mean singing, and... ouch!" He pulled away, rubbing his shoulder where Sara had punched him, and they shared a grin. He got serious again, "You'll be missed."

Catherine pushed him away, saying, "My turn." She looked at Sara with an ironic smile. "I know we're not exactly the hugging type, but..." She pulled Sara into a tight embrace and whispered, "Be happy," before kissing her lightly on the cheek. The look they shared told Sara Catherine understood all the reasons she was leaving, and she whispered 'thanks' back.

Grissom cleared his throat from the doorway. "I'm guessing you've heard Sara's news? Well, she's still with us for the next two weeks, so there's plenty of time for hugs." He smiled to take the sting out of his gruff tone, and resolved to plan the best going-away dinner for her, before giving out assignments. "Catherine, you and Warrick have a 419..."