First Sight
In Narnia, Edmund was a just and good king. And in Finchley, Edmund is a just and good boy.
But, of course, it was not always so.
He knows what it feels like to be alone. He knows all too well mistrust and disbelief. What it is to be disappointed and inadequate. Cold and faithless.
This is why, he thinks, he is the first to see the change in Susan's eyes.
The first time is when they are all huddled together in Lucy's bed, quietly reminiscing about their days as Kings and Queens of Narnia. Edmund brings up with a light jab the time Peter almost fell off a tower at the Archenland royal castle, and they all laugh. Susan gives a derisive snort that could easily be put off as her usual disapproval of her siblings', at times, reckless behavior. He looks at her face, though, and sees something that sets an uneasy feeling in his stomach.
"What's wrong, Su?" He asks very quietly.
She shoots him a bewildered look, traced with guilt, and he feels the hairs on his arms stand on end. "N-nothing, Edmund, why ever do you ask?"
The utter formality throws him, and he wonders, for a moment, what it was he saw there in her face, though deep down in a place he hides his regrets and fears he does know.
Peter and Lucy look from Edmund to Susan curiously, unable to know or understand what has passed between them. Susan stands and excuses herself for bed, and Edmund follows quickly at her heels. Once the door is shut behind them, he asks again.
"Susan, what is it? What's wrong?" He tries to put all of the concern he has into it, but he thinks it must come off as boyish annoyance instead.
She looks at him, as a person who is falling off a cliff and understands and accepts it might look at another. "Edmund, what's on your mind? There's nothing wrong with me. Is there something the matter with you?"
He feels worried, but uncertain. What had he seen? Had he imagined it? "I just thought… there was something in your face…"
"On my face?" And her hand flies up to one cheek as though to wipe the imagined offender away.
"No… In your.. Eyes, I mean." He looks at her trying to convey his meaning, and she understands. A great sadness washes over her face, but only for the barest of moments. Then she is prim and serious again.
"I'm just tired, Edmund. That's all. Goodnight." And she turns and leaves to the washroom to get ready for bed.
"…Goodnight, Su."
That night, Edmund, feeling quite foolish but unable to help himself, weeps inconsolably into Peter's worried arms, unable to explain his tears. As he clings to the fabric of his brother's nightshirt, he feels as though he has failed. He feels as though he wasn't able to save something, and he isn't sure at all what it is.
It will not be until much later that he knows what he wasn't able to save, what Susan lost and his siblings mourn. Eventually, his tears will fade and feel silly, and Susan will continue for a while to sit through their stories and memories of Narnia, though it will be less and less and she will one day have completely faded away without any of them really realizing it. They will continue with their lives, each knowing the past, the trials and tribulations, the strange transformation from Kings and Queens to children again.
And Susan will never quite realize that something inside her has died, not until it is far too late. She will go on with her life, dressing up for parties and living in a grown-up's world, and pretending that Aslan was pretend.
And then, one day, Edmund will know, and Susan will be gone.
