DIS: Wow. The only thing I have to say about this story is that I CANNOT believe I wrote it. It's incredibly perverted, even for me, especially since I haven't made something like this since Talk About Bizarre. In any case, I hope everyone will forgive me for the crude humor. I swear that it'll get cleaner after this first chapter. (PROMISE!!) But the warnings have been made - HEED THEM! Don't get pissy with me because you decided to ignore them... :P

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Title: Top Ten Reasons Why Yamis Suck

Rating: M

Genre: Humor

Summary: There are ten reasons why Yuugi, Ryou, and Malik hate their yamis, ten reasons why their house is constantly vandalized, and ten reasons why people tend to avoid dealing with Yami, Bakura, and Marik. VULGARITY.

Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh

Notes/Warnings: Humor; implied Bakura/Anzu; perverseness; language; insults; ten-part fic; ULTRA vulgar

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Top Ten Reasons Why Yamis Suck

Reason One: Yamis can piss you off, make you jealous, or simply make you seem LESS like a man when it comes to women. Therefore, keep them AWAY from women while you're with them. It'll help your ego.

Ryou knew that making Bakura go to school with him wasn't a good idea. Not only did he constantly bicker with Marik, Malik, and Yami, but he was always provoked Jounouchi, stole Honda's food or tore up his homework, and of course, he flipped Anzu's skirt up. Generally, that was something Jou and Honda did, but Bakura was a five-thousand year old spirit and hadn't been laid in that time. Obviously his mind was going to be circulating around Anzu, especially since she didn't piss him off as much as Mai did.

"Bakura, can you help me with something?" Ryou called into the family room from the kitchen.

"Yes." Ryou smiled to himself and then continued to stir the contents of the pot for a few minutes. He paused, frowning, and turned back to look at the hall, waiting for any sound of movement from the living room. The sound of the TV was still going and there were no squeaks from the couch and no footsteps that indicated Bakura was coming to the kitchen.

"Bakura!" He called again. "I asked you something!"

"And I answered you, didn't I?" His yami snapped back. "I told you I could!"

Ryou waited a beat and then turned the burner down, stomping to the living room doorway, frowning. "Well?"

"WELL WHAT?" Bakura glared up at him from his seat.

"You said you would help me!"

"No, I said I could help you." He turned back to the TV. "Why would I help you? You're a lazy ass, anyway." A corner of Ryou's mouth twitched madly at that.

"I cook, I clean, and I go to school and you are calling me lazy? All you do is slouch around everywhere and make fun of Yami, Malik, and Marik! I'm sick of you treating me this way! In fact..." Ryou turned around abruptly and stormed to the kitchen. Curious, Bakura rose to his feet and followed him, watching as Ryou jerked his apron off and threw it to the ground. He took the pot of soup from the burner and poured it down the sink and then took the lamb chops from the oven and violently threw them and the pan out in the yard. "I'm not going to clean or cook and do anything for you! You can do it ALLL by yourself." Bakura stood staring at his abiou calmly, his hands tucked in his pockets.

Smirking, he asked, "How big are you, anyway, Ryou? Do you even have anything in your pants, because from that little episode, I would think that you were a woman." Ryou flushed angrily, glaring at Bakura.

"Well – "

"Or do you actually have something, but your so busy with your hand that you can't form an actual relationship with a woman?" Ryou's jaw dropped while Bakura's smirk grew wider. After awhile, Ryou closed his mouth and then simply stepped away from the kitchen. Bakura watched him take his coat, put his shoes on, and then leave the house, shutting the door quietly behind him. Snickering, Bakura muttered, "He's going to go cry on the sidewalk now."

Outside, Ryou was beating his hands on the sidewalk while people walked around him, giving him an odd stare. "I'll show him, I'll show him!" He wailed to himself. "I'm probably bigger than he is! Bigger than any of them are!" He jerked to his feet, startling a young woman who was walking her dog. "I HAVE A BIGGER ONE THAT ANY GIRL WOULD LIKE TO SUCK!" He thrust his hands in the air triumphantly.

The young woman gawked at him, her cheeks going pink. Ryou blinked and lowered his hands. She glowered and then slapped him. Ryou held his hand to his cheek as he watched her walk away, baffled.

"What did I do...?" He wondered aloud.

The next day at school, Ryou was determined to show his yami that he was more manly in the pants by either getting laid, making out with some girl, or just getting a blow job. The first and last decision made him feel queasy since, really, Ryou wasn't the type to just GO AND DO THAT with any girl. He didn't much like the idea of making out with any girl, either, so he chose Anzu as his unknowing partner in crime. He only hoped that she wouldn't find him too forward.

At lunch, Bakura was just returning from eating lunch with Malik and Marik and Ryou was in the middle of a conversation with Anzu. He glanced at his yami, who was eating an apple, and clenched his fists tight despite the uncomfortable feeling in his belly. This is it! I'm going to show him that I AM manly! I can be the better one! I'm not a wimp like everyone thinks I am! I'm better! I'm cooler! I'm...I'm REALLY not looking forward to doing this... He glanced around. All of his other friends were here. Hell, even Malik and Marik had drifted over there to taunt Yami. The only one not present was Kaiba, but he was only a table away, typing at his laptop. I'm about to make an ass out myself. Oh, well, as long as I prove myself to Bakura.

Ryou looked at Anzu, who was smiling up at him absently, and then leaned down, grabbing her shoulders, and kissed her hard on the mouth. Bakura paused in eating his apple, raising his eyebrows in surprise. Yami, who had been ready to start screaming at Marik, halted and stared at the scene, his mouth opening and closing like a fish's. Malik's mouth was curling into a wide smirk and he and Marik were snickering, glancing at Bakura.

"WOW," Jounouchi exclaimed. "Am I da only one who didn't know about dis?" Yami snapped out of it and glared at Jou.

Umm, how come she's not pulling back or slapping me? Ryou wondered. He brightened. SCORE! I am manly! Hahahaha! Er...Wow, she has a really nice mouth!

When Ryou finally drew away from Anzu, they both were staring at each other in bemusement. Anzu was trying to figure out three things: 1) Whether she had given Ryou any idea that she was romantically interested in him, 2) Why she had just kissed him back when she WASN'T romantically interested in him, and 3) Why Yami and Bakura were eyeing Ryou evilly.

Ah, well, Ryou thought, even if I do get beat up by Yami and Bakura, at least it was worth it. At least I can say I've kissed a girl before, even if it was a friend.

"Humph," Bakura snorted, throwing the apple at Marik's head. Marik glared, his smirk falling off his lips irritably. "You just started a war, Ryou." Ryou blanched and Anzu looked from the two, utterly confused at what was going on. Yami's eyes flashed dangerously and just as he stepped forward to stop Bakura from what he expected him to do, Ryou's yami briskly shoved Ryou away and gave a taunting smirk to him. "I'll show you how it's done."

"Well, this should be interesting," Kaiba's voice cut in as Bakura heaved Anzu up to her feet. She gave a nervous look to her friends and then there was another mouth on hers, much more pleasing and experienced than the first. Kaiba chuckled, glancing at Ryou, "Whatever war he was talking about, you just lost the first battle."

"Wh-what?" Ryou snapped. "What's THAT supposed to mean?" Kaiba rolled his eyes.

"That out of the two of you, I think Mazaki has already decided which is the better kisser. Too bad you're no competition in the bedroom." He snickered. "You and Yuugi both."

Ryou exchanged a look to Yuugi and they both mouthed, Why do they all think that we're small in the pants??

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"I'M GOING TO BEAT THEM BOTH TO A BLOODY PULP!!" Yami roared in the courtyard after school. Yuugi sweat dropped, rubbing the back of his head. "They've defiled our innocent Anzu!" He put a hand to his forehead dramatically. "They've turned her into a common whore! MY ANZU IS NOT A WHORE, YUUGI!"

"Your Anzu?" Yuugi repeated blandly, raising his eyebrows. Yami frowned at him, his eyes narrowed.

"Whose else's would she be?" He demanded. "Just think of what those two damn white-haired freaks are going to do to her..."

Yami's Image

Anzu was chained up to a wall in a dungeon with a tattered gown on her and dirt smudged on her body. Bakura and Ryou walked in, looking like evil twins. "Oh, my! Please, you've already ravished me! What else could you possibly do?"

"My dear, don't you know that ravishment is not the worst of your problems?" Ryou purred, his hand coming up with a whip and handcuffs. "Now the real fun begins!"

Bakura laughed and lifted up a video camera to his face. "And we're going to tape all of it so we can post it on You Tube and everyone will jack off to it at night! Just imagine, little Anzu...thousands of old, horny, married men watching us bone you and end up making a mess all over their keyboard!" He laughed again.

"Oh, noooo! Please, I'm too good for this! I'm destined to be with Yami!"

"The Pharaoh wouldn't have a foursome because he's a loser. It's his own fault for missing out! He said he wanted to wait until you were married!"

"What a sweetheart...How I love him!"

"You have to love US now!" Ryou commanded, pointing a finger down at her. "We're your masters! Beg at our feet!"

"Yami is my master! Only he can whip me in bed!" Anzu cried. "I want him to bend me over and..."

"No! We're going to do that!" Bakura barked out.

"So cruel, so cruel..." Anzu turned her head and started sobbing while the two cackled.

End Yami's Image

Yuugi could only stare at Yami, his face twisted in disgust. The Pharaoh had a dreamy smile on his face.

"YAMI! That's SICK!"

"Oh, you know you want to do her, too," Yami scoffed. "You just wouldn't give her the right performance."

"(- -) What...do you mean by that?" Yuugi demanded quietly.

"We all know how small you and Ryou are. You MIGHT be as big when you're worked up as I am flaccid." Yami smiled while Yuugi – our little, innocent Yuugi, barely corrupted by Jou and Honda – stared at his yami with a pale face. "You have to admit that it makes sense, Yuugi. All short and stuff..."

"WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING ON ME ABOUT BEING SHORT?! SO WHAT IF I'M SHORT! I CAN PROBABLY MAKE A GIRL MOAN LOUDER THAN YOU CAN!" Yami's eyes widened in shock.

"YUUGI! Where did you learn such vulgar language?"

"...From YOU."

"Nonsense! I am pure as a god. Don't get me mixed up with common trash."

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M TRASH?"

"I think you need to take a nap, Yuugi," Yami informed him with a frown. At that point, Yuugi was practically seeing red.

"I AM NOT A LITTLE KID ANYMORE!"

"...anymore," Yami muttered under his breath. Just when Yuugi was about to say more, Ryou, trailing behind Bakura and sulking, came into Yami's sight. "YOU TWO INFERNAL BEINGS!" Yami leapt forward to intercept them. "HOW DARE YOU KISS MY ANZU!"

"Hmm?" Bakura smirked. "By the way her tongue was in my mouth, she sure as hell wasn't yours."

"WHAT THE FU – "

"UH, Bakura," Yuugi quickly interrupted. Even if he was pissed at his yami right now, that didn't mean he wanted him to DIE. "Can you try and not say those kinds of things? You know how Yami is when it comes to girls he likes."

"I just want to fuck her, so I don't know what his problem is," Bakura remarked, shrugging.

"THAT'S MY PROBLEM, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF – " Yuugi slapped a hand on Yami's both before he could finish that, giving a nervous smile to Bakura.

"Really, don't be saying those kinds of things. You're just going to piss him off."

"Hehehe...Not my fault his harem was running to me when I was raiding the palace. After all, only a REAL man can satisfy a woman."

"Well, then that means you wouldn't do shit to make a woman wet, huh, Bakura?" Another voice sneered. Bakura turned, glaring, at Marik. "We all know how women tend to run after you drop your pants. Let's face it, nobody can deny a body like this." Marik gestured to his tanned, finely toned body. Bakura's eyes narrowed into an even more vicious glare, if possible.

"Where's, um, your abiou, Marik?" Yuugi hesitantly queried, desperately trying to keep the conversation clean.

"Probably playing with himself in a bathroom stall."

(- -) That really wasn't something I needed to hear... Yuugi thought, sweat dropping nervously.

"Marik, have you looked at your hair lately?" Bakura casually remarked. "No matter what your body might look like, as soon as a girl looks up, they'll be screaming. Your hair looks like a porcupine has permanently settled on the top of your head." Marik's lip curled in a sneer.

"Let's not get into it about hair since yours is so white that it looks like you've aged prematurely. The women might think that other certain parts of your anatomy have aged, too." He smirked as a low growl emitted from Bakura. They might have continued if Malik hadn't called from behind. Everyone turned to see Malik and Anzu with each other, Malik carrying both his and Anzu's bags.

"I'm walking Anzu home," Malik told them simply, then the two of them continued on with everyone staring after them. Malik turned and smirked at the three yamis, flipping them off behind Anzu's back.

Reason One: ...But then, some abious know how to double cross their yamis.

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DIS: Hehehehe...No, I promise this isn't going to turn into another Malik/Anzu fic. It's a bit of Yami/Anzu/Bakura. Who knows who the winner will be? Although, I'm fairly certain you guys have an idea. I wasn't going to start a new story until later since I have three already out, but DAMN, I just had to get this idea out! It was too hard to resist. Please review on your way out! Ciao!