Hola, todos. This is a satirical one-shot I wrote for my friend Andrew sometime in March. It's basically me making jabs at the overly descriptive style of Stephenie Meyer. This is purely satirical and I do not mean to offend anyone. If you take offense, you don't have to review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Twilight.

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A Stephenie Meyer-esque Description of Professor Severus Snape

Most people think that Professor Snape is horrendously ugly. But I, Draco Malfoy, beg to differ.

I obsessively ogle him during potions, admiring his exquisite features. His ebony hair gleams in the dim light of the dungeons. Snape's dark, deep eyes are so piercing, yet somehow so lovely and enchanting. His deathly pale skin contrasts quite nicely with his dramatic all-black ensemble. When his pale, narrow lips part so he may speak, I excitedly hold my breath.

It is Snape's voice that I love the most. His voice is incredibly deep. I think that if I were to lay my ear on his chest as he spoke, I would feel each elegantly formed word reverberating from deep within him. His voice is like the most luxurious black velvet. It caresses me, filling my mind with fantastical and scandalous thoughts. As Snape prowls around the classroom, moving with an almost serpentine grace, I feel compelled to stare at him, to slowly drink in his unconventional handsomeness.

He pauses by my cauldron, leaning down to stare at the brew. The potent fumes waft up around him, framing his face in thick white steam. Snape looks up at me and allows a small smile to creep onto his lips. I feel my heart pounding in guilty excitement.

"Excellent work, Mr. Malfoy. 15,000 points to Slytherin." he says to me, whispering in my ear in a deep, sexy purr. My insides liquefy and I try not to emit a fangirly squeal. He lightly pats me on the shoulder---my knees go weak at feeling his touch---and with a swish of his black cape, he slinks off to scold Potter and Weasley.

There you have it.

~Mirei