SGA: Deadly Alliance Part 1

Warning: This fic, like Sora's Grand Adventure (which you should read if you haven't.), is very retarded. Also like Sora's Grand Adventure, it has many random character deaths. So if you you get upset and flame me, don't say I didn't warn you!

I don't own any of these characters, except for Joint.


Cloud stumbled along a dark pathway outside, trying to get home. He was completely wasted drunk from Sora and Kairi's wedding party, and so he couldn't drive home to his lovely wife Tifa. As Cloud neared the shack he called home he tripped on a small round item and landed flat on his face. Cloud sat up and spit out dirt, all the while cursing his bad luck. "Double darnit! What the flip did I trip on!" Cloud, after fumbling around with the thing he was felled by, finally recognized the stone as a rare gem. "Ooh, perty," he said at his discovery. "Tifa would like this!" Just then, the bipedal mutt we all love to hate, Goofy, jumped out of the nearby bushes and landed on Cloud, planting him against the ground.

"A gummie!" Goofy exclaimed, and then bites off Cloud's hand, consuming the orb as well. Cloud kicked free from under Goofy's suprising heavy wieght, and held onto his bleeding stump.

"You freakin', gravy-sucking pig!" Cloud, in his druken fury, quickly unleashed an Ultima attack upon the poor retard.

"Guarsh!" Goofy stands unfased as his torso begins expanding like a hot air balloon. Cloud eyed the enflated dog in confusion.

"What now?" As soon as Cloud uttered this question of uncertianty, Goofy exploded into a bloody mess. Cloud's eyes widen as he beholds a strange creature now standing where Goofy's splattered remains lay. The creature was only three feet tall, had black fur, and wore both bright red thermal underwear and a bloody and ripped scarf around his neck. His eyes glowed with the flames of Hades, and his unnerving toothy grin completed the terrifying image of the little demonic being. "W-who are you?" Cloud questioned.

"I am Joint," the short devil answered with a high and raspy voice. "And I will be your doom."

"I didn't ask for your life story! Sheesh!" Cloud chastised.

"Shut up, before your destined way of death increases in pain!" Joint threatend the drunken fool.

"Stupid! I'll kill you, just like I killed Goofy!" Cloud declared.

"Fool! I killed Goofy and absorbed his protiens and kidneys! Don't ask why," Joint added.

"Why?" Cloud asked stupidly.

"Are you freakin' deaf?" Joint exclaimed. "I said don't ask why!" Joint slapped Cloud across the cheek, causing the swordsman to tear up.

"Now you made me cry! WAAH!" Cloud bawled hopelessly. Cloud's cries caused Tifa to come running up from their home.

"Oh, Cloud, don't cry," Tifa tried to stifle his tears. Tifa turned to Joint with the angry glare of a protective mother. "You listen here, mister! I don't tolerate anyone abusing my Cloud!" Tifa grabbed both sides of his waist, spun him in the air, and brought him hard into the ground with a powerbomb. Joint jerked as he readjusted his spine, and quickly hopped back on to his large furry feet.

"I don't tolerate abusing me!" Joint pulled back his arm and sent it forward, delivering a crushing sucker punch to Tifa's face. Tifa bounced across the ground and held her damaged jaw. Cloud stood straight up and a huge hateful aura burst forth from him.

"You'll pay for that!" Cloud tossed a handful of pebbles at Joint's face. Joint shielded his eyes and retaliated by throwing dirt into Cloud's eyes. "Stupid, poop head!" Cloud brought his strong jaws down on Joint's ear, and pulled as hard as he could.

"Ow! Stop it!" Joint elbowed Cloud in the nose, finally freeing his chewed up ear. Tifa finally sprung into action.

"Raugh!" Tifa roared as she poked Joint right in the eyes, and followed up with a high kick to the groin. Joint hit the dirty ground and rocked back and forth while holding himself.

"Pain! Terrible pain!" Joint recovered and shot forward, grabbed Tifa by her hair, and swung her across the air, busting Cloud in the leg. Both of them rolled painfully to a dead stop on the ground, unconcious. "Muahahaha!" Joint laughed triumphantly. "Golem! Golem!" he coughed.

"What's so funny? I must of missed something," Donald attempted at a cool entrance, failing miserably. Joint licked his lips at the site of the large water fowl.

"Roasted duck!" Joint breathes fire and sets Donald aflame. Donald ran about while burning to death and finally fell over, about ready to die.

"Sora, hear my cry!" Donald called out with his soul, trying to reach the Keyblade master. "A-ah-ah-ah-ah-allrighty then!" (Its from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.)


(At Sora and Kairi's honeymoon suite.)

"Oh, Kairi, your so good," Sora said.

"Oh, I know it," Kairi answered in a sexy manner.

"This is the best game of Scrabble ever," Sora said happily. Both lay on their queen-sized bed while playing Scrabble, in their nice little square room encompusing a small kitchen and a TV set, as well as a bathroom with a large enough bath tub for two. Kairi scans her letters and puts down the word 'ZFLANXA'.

"Triple bypas heart surgery!" Kairi raised her slender arms up in excitement. Sora looked at her confused.

"Don't you mean triple word score?" Sora corrected. Just then he sat up straight and began shaking. Kairi stood up in surprise and concern.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Kairi questioned her young husband. Sora turned with wide eyes.

"Somebody killed Donald! Somebody evil!" Sora worried. Kairi sat back down, no longer startled.

"I'd say killing Donald's a good thing. Don't worry about it," Kairi pursuaded Sora to calm down.

"You're probably right," Sora sighed still suspicious. Kairi came closer to her husband and began fiddling with his shirt buttons.

"How 'bout we have some real fun?" Kairi asked seductively as she turned off the light.


(Back outside Cloud's place.)

"Foolish poultry man," Joint chided as he stood over the scorched and lifeless body of Donald," everyone hates you. Your call has fallen on dead ears." Pretty much out of nowhere, Clayton, mounted on a huge gorilla, appeared before Joint.

"I have felt your power, and have come with an offer," Clayton smoothly began. "Come Joint! Together we can rule the galaxy as hunter and freak!"

"Can I have figgy pudding (has anyone eaten some recently? I don't really know what the stuff is.)?" Joint asked with stars in his eyes.

"But of course," Clayton answered.

"Then I'm in!" Joint agreed. He jumped onto the gorilla, and they all flew off to enact their plan. Cloud had woken from his involuntary slumber a while ago, and had heard all that was said.

"I must prevent this evil!" Cloud then braced his head with his one hand. "After my hangover."

And thus the Deadly Alliance is formed.


(The Tower of Bad.)

Within the dark and twisting corridors of this evil construction, the Council of Death (doom is already taken.) hold their secret meeting with only the greatest, most evilest members. Spawn, Bowser, Cell, and Count Dooku all sit in their comfy arm chairs watching the current events on their little crystal ball, which displayed Clayton and Joint.

"This event is most disturbing," Spawn spoke first.

"I still say the hunter and the freak are gay," Cell scoffed.

"This problem doesn't compare to the power of the Dark Side," Count Dooku mused. Bowser turned to Dooku.

"We don't believe in your retarded 'force' thingy!" Bowser said, just trying to pick a fight.

"Speak for yourself!" Spawn responded. Dooku stared into Bowsers large reptilian eyes.

"Perhaps I can change your mind!" Dooku launched himself into the air and knocked Bowser out of his chair. Dooku then impaled Bowser through the heart. "What do you think now, sucka? Huh?" Dooku huffed.

"I believe he's dead," Cell told the upset Sith Lord.

"Oh." Dooku stood somewhat dumbly. "Oh well, lets go kill those idiots!"


To Be Continued...

Please Review! Tell me what you thought and tell me if I need to improve on anything!