All along it was a fever

I walked along the beach with my headphones in. The day was cloudy and the waves were huge. Everything seemed somewhat melancholic. I watched the waves; the way they would suddenly hit the surface and drag back the ground underneath them in a constant rhythm. The sand would never be prepared for it; it would always have to obey the water's will. It was constantly altering things, controlling change itself. Change…

I wasn't prepared for this change. I had initiated it sure, but I didn't imagine it would hurt this bad. I took the high road for once and told him about my feelings and not to let them grow stronger… for her sake. She really loved him, ever since 7th grade. 3 whole years and now she finally had him for 5 months. And she deserved him.

But damn, I couldn't stop thinking about him all the time. He completely controlled my mind. I was the sand, and he was the water.

Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move

I imagined us running around my house; him chasing me playfully. The biggest of smiles across my face, and for once it wasn't painted on. He would eventually catch up with me and hug me from behind, and I would accept the embrace.

I imagined falling asleep in his arms… being able to sleep because he was there to calm the anxiety I get at night that keeps me up.

I imagined waking up in his arms the next morning, seeing his smile.

I imagined us playing video games for hours on end with him, screaming in frustration whenever he won, but not ever being able to stay mad at him.

Makes me feel like I can't live without you, it takes me all the way…

I imagined having TV show and movie marathons with him in my theater room.

I imagined kissing him in the rain.

I imagined him holding me whenever I cried.

I imagined an emotion that I had never fully experienced... happiness.

I want you to stay.

But that's all they were; imaginations. And no matter how much I wanted that to change, it never would.

I felt the tears gathering in my eyes. I couldn't let myself cry, there would be evidence since I did my makeup today.

It's not much of a life you're living.

I fought my emotions again, no matter how much it tightened my throat. I learned over the years that your makeup doesn't smear as much if you keep your eyes opened while crying; so that's what I did. I pursed my lips together and made myself as quiet as a mouse.

Round and around and around and around we go

I let one single tear roll down my face slowly.

Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

The rest of the tears that were resting in my eyes finally faded away, and I turned around back to the beach house.

Not really sure what to think about it…

This time I imagined her chasing him, a huge smile across her face and them embracing.

Something in the way you move.

Her falling asleep in his arms.

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

Her waking up next to him.

And it takes me all the way…

Him comforting her when she cried.

I want you to stay.

These weren't fantasies. This time it was a reality. This is how things really were. And no matter how much it sucked to accept it, I had to. So I masked my feelings and walked back to the beach house.