Chapter 1: Inner Sickness
(Sodapop POV)
Something has been growing within me recently, something that should not exist. I can't really make it go away. I can push it away but then it comes back even worse. Maybe if I don't think about it, it'll go away. I don't think it's that simple but I wish it was though. I can't look at him the way I should, I shouldn't be looking at him the way I do. I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be,.
I'm in love with my little brother, Ponyboy.
I don't know when it all started, it was a gradual process. It mostly began manifesting after Sandy had left and I was heart broken still. Pony was there for me and he held me when I needed to cry. He understood if I cuddled up to him at night because I just wanted somebody close to me. I look at him with a new set of eyes now, I see him in a way I should not. I like to watch him do normal, everyday tasks. When we do the dishes together, our hands occasionally brush against each other and it sends electricity through my body. I don't ever see him looking at me the way I look at him. His body language seems to show some interest but I wouldn't dare act out what I wanted to do.
I should not be in love with my little brother. What would Darry think? What would the gang think? What would have mom and dad thought if they were still here? I feel like I have failed everyone by falling in love with Pony. I couldn't stop myself, it just happened. What makes it worse is the fact we're both men..let's just say that is not accepted. People don't even talk about gays. It's taboo, it's wrong but it feels so right to me. I think the sinfulness of it makes it feel even more worth it, or is that just me being a typical seventeen year old boy? I've never really felt the need to be rebellious.
Right now, it was time for me and Pony to go to bed. I had already crawled under the blankets, just wanting to go to sleep so I wouldn't even noticed Pony. Pony crawled under the blankets with me and he looked over at me.
"Soda?" he whispered and I sighed.
"Yeah?" I whispered back and yawned lightly.
"Do you have a crush on anyone?" he asked, softly and I felt my face get hot.
"No, not really. I've been trying to focus on other things besides love. Remember what love did to me the last time?"
Pony winced from remembering what Sandy had done to me, "Yeah, I know what it did.."
"So, no, I haven't really thought of having a crush recently."
"I think I have one.." Pony said shyly and shifted awkwardly.
"Really? Who is she?" I asked with a smirk and Pony giggled.
"No, I'm not telling you.."
"Aw, why not?"
"I'm just not ready to tell anyone who it is yet.." Pony said before yawning.
"I think we better get to sleep." I muttered and Pony rolled over so his back was to me.
"Okay..Goodnight, Soda.." Pony said in what sounded like a sad tone.
"Goodnight, Pony.." I whispered back.
Before I fell asleep, I swear I heard him say "I love you".
I was awoken by Pony shaking me, I knew I had slept later than I usually would.
"Soda, you have to wake up!" Pony said, his voice was still tired sounding.
"Ugh.." I groaned and slowly sat up, I did not want to go to work today.
For some reason, I felt today would be a weird day. I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel all fidgety. It wasn't a bad feeling but it wasn't necessarily a good feeling. Somewhere in the middle..
I stood up and grabbed some clothes, I then made my way to the bathroom for a shower. As I was walking to the shower, I ran straight into Ponyboy. I apologized and tried to move around him but he wouldn't let me pass.
"Pony, I already slept late, I don't need to be late for work." I said and attempted to get around once again.
"Sorry." he said dryly and stepped out of the way.
I walked into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it behind me. I felt confused on why Pony would stay in my way like that, not to mention the weird way he was looking at me. I got chills from just remember what look he gave me. I began running the shower water and got it to the temperature I desired. I began pull of my clothes and my hands occasionally brushing my skin made me feel weird. I had a sudden thought. I had a weird feeling that soon, it wouldn't be just my hands touching me later today. I brushed it off quickly and climbed into the shower.
I finished my shower and walked into the kitchen, Darry had already left which means I'll have to walk to work. Pony was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal.
"Did Darry not make any breakfast?" I asked confused and Pony looked up at me.
"Darry slept late too, he can't be late to work." Pony explained and went to put his bowl in the sink.
"Oh..," I began buttoning up my work shirt.
"Are you hungry?" Pony asked while turning to me.
"No, not really.." I admitted, the weird feeling in my stomach made me lose my appetite.
"Oh, okay." Pony muttered while walking to the living room and sat on the couch.
I looked at the clock and noticed it was time for me to leave.
"Pony, I have to go, have a good day today!" I said happily and walked to the door.
"Bye, you have a good day too." Pony muttered and sighed.
I stepped out of the house and closed the door behind me. The morning air was cool and crisp, dew was shining off the green grass. I stepped down the sidewalk and opened the gate. I started walking to the DX, I had a million thoughts going through my head.
"I hope today will be okay.." I muttered to myself and continued to walk to work.
I finally reached the DX and sighed heavily.
"Let's get today started.." I said while approaching the DX.
A/N: Here is chapter one of my new fanfiction! I'm really excited and I hope you all enjoy it!
