This is a story for Lili
For Nina
For Lea
For an apology.
This is a story.
It is an apology.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places
thereof
Author's note: I can't say how much of this will be in poem. Sorry. For
now, it's a poem, and later it may change. This story goes in the Naikele
series:
Cold Steel
Forever Mithril
Thicker Than
Nightly Gleams the Blade
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one. For those of you not familiar with the
series, most of the stories can stand on their own but this one goes very
closely with Cold Steel.
*****
I am
I am
I am
I am riding in the rain
The rain is
Rain is
Rain is soaking into my clothes
My clothes are
Clothes are
Clothes are so wet against my skin
It almost hurts
Almost.
But then a lot of things
Almost
hurt.
Some things really do.
You and I, buddy, you and I together
We can take pain, can't we?
We can weather the storms.
We're invincible.
You and me together.
In the distance in my mind in my heart in time ahead
In the space ahead of me I can see a light winking
It is a destination an ending a beginning a safehaven a solace
It is
It is
It is not my home
It is my destination but
It is not my home.
Why would I be going to my home?
Why would I be going there when I am headed I set out for I want to go
There.
If I try to get there too quickly my horse will tire
It will take another day and I will have to spend a miserable
Cold
Lonely
For ever
Night in the wind and rain.
To pass the time I trot, rising trot, rhythmic--
Up-forward-down-up-forward-down-up-forward-down. . .
After ten posts I switch diagonals but I do it wrong
Now my rhythm has changed:
Up-forward-down-SMACK-up-forward-down-SMACK-up-forward-down-SMACK
I fix my rhythm
But keep on posting
It feels so right so good so natural so--
So easy!
I switch to a canter, rhythmically faster:
Upforwarddownupforwarddown--
After a while even this
Is too
Easy.
The stirrups, I think, and I
Kick my feet
Free of their bindings
And I
Keep posting
With my feet hanging free
I didn't used to be able to do this
I can do this now
Look at me!
My legs are beginning to feel tired
I keep on posting keep on cantering keep on feeding this fire keep on going
After a time I
Stop
And put my feet back in the stirrups
Slow my horse to a walk
And I think to myself
How beautiful the rain sounds
How it sounds so soft so innocent somehow even so lonely yet so many pieces
all at once a symphony an orchestra a million players a hundred children a
thousand arrows a thousand swords--
Intricately laced are the million
Different sounds
The slow drops falling from branches of trees sliding from leaves dripping
from my boots slipping off rocks
Some are not stopped hit the ground without anything standing in their way
smashing sounds hitting sounds violent raindrops smashing hitting crashing--
There are other raindrops
There are some that just return to the stream and fit right in and are as
one and are a family and are friends and are lovers and flow smoothly and
are in their place a place for every one and every one in some place and
aren't they lucky and why can we be so unlike them and so like the
violence, violent violent hitting smashing crashing down and I just wonder
I look up and the light the light in the distance the light in my heart the
light in mind my light
The light my light has gone out
Or at least has gone
Gone from me
I cannot see
Where am I going now?
Where am I now?
Where will I be then?
Then suddenly because I am
Because I am
Because my mind is
Is so
So distracted
Because I am my mind is so distracted I don't see the branch until
It is slapping me in the face
Dragging across my face
Slimy wet leaves and rough violent rough painful bark and it hurts so bad I
think maybe maybe I should feel but then this pain, is this pain real or am
I imagining am I really here am I really wet and cold and does my face
really hurt quite this much that I cannot feel the pain I ought to feel?
The branch is gone and in front of me right in front my eyes right in my
distorted vision I see I see
A light
I see the light
I see my light
My light my destination my ending my beginning my haven my solace
The light is close now
So close
So near
And I
I am so near to it
So near to my light
So close to my destination
Just a few more steps and I can--
Here! There.
I dismount, legs slipping on the muddy ground fall down and ouch and
squelch and maybe I should have worn different pants I like these ones I
should have worn ones I don't like but too late for that
Regain my balance my footing stand back up
Grab the reins, take them, take the reins, take control, lead my horse
Lead my horse to the stables
Nice and warm
For a minute I have to pause as it hits me
I am standing
Dripping
Soaking
Dripping water onto the floor
Water dripping from my
Clothes
My hair
My hands
All of me
All of me wet
The stables, though
The stables are so so warm so comfortable so bright so friendly and I do
something
Something I rarely do
Something I thought I would never
Never do again
I smile.
I smile.
I smile because I am
Because I am
I am happy.
I am happy to be here, in these warm stables bright stables friendly
stables in this home the home of a friend the home of solace the home of
redemption the home of peace the home of healing the home
Home.
All of me is happy and that is why I why I why I smile
I smile because all of me is happy.
What a picture, I think, what an image I must be standing here
With the door open and the storm raging behind me and the lightning still
striking and the thunder still rumbling and here I am, here is me,
Smiling.
Like I've nothing in the world
But peace
And now, my friend, now that is so.
now I have nothing but peace.
So here is me:
Here is a boy with wet hair hanging around framing his face
Here is a boy looking ahead and seeing nothing
Here is a boy with wet dripping clothes
Here is a boy standing in the mixing of the smells of hay and horse and
lightning and rain
Here is a boy smiling
Here is a boy happy.
Here is a boy.
Suddenly even through my happiness I know I cannot
Cannot just stand here
All day
All night
Cannot just stand here
Framed by the darkness beyond
Yellow hair glowing
Cannot just stand here because
I have a horse that needs to be
Stable
Untacked
Fed
Watered
Groomed
And all of these things these tasks the responsibilities
I embrace them
I face them
I complete them
And by the time the horse
Is rolling in sweet fresh sawdust is coating his coat in a coat of wood
I am suddenly free of responsibilities
I am suddenly free to
Roll in the hay
Race through the stables
Dance in the rain.
I am free to skip
I am free to sing
I am free to be
Happy
So happy
So happy it feels like
Feels as good as
Sin.
I stand on my hands
I am silent
I am loud
I am vibrant
I am exuberance
I climb up atop a stack of hay
Bundles of hay all tied up
Tied up all nice and neat and organized
I climb on top and I jump
I jump to the ground below
When I hit the ground I fall
I roll
I laugh like mad
I am having fun
I am living life
I am
I am
Insane?
Maybe.
Does it matter
If I can be happy and jump from the hay and turn cartwheels and skip and
sing and be
So
Free
So for a minute I cannot say exactly
Who it is
That I am
Maybe even that you are
Perhaps even
I cannot say where I am
But of course you know
You know, so I will forget
Just for a minute or two or three or. . .
My next jump from atop the hay
I see you standing
In the doorway
Watching me and looking
Puzzled
Standing in your pyjamas watching me
Holding an umbrella over your head
Looking slightly strange with a black umbrella pyjamas of plaid flannel--
Naturally I have the same ones--
And your boots tied on without any socks
You look so funny that I laugh
And I cry
"It has been too long!"
and you set down your umbrella
and you say
"By the Valar, you might have told me
you got here
I could have helped you
stable your mount."
"Wet blanket," I tease
because I am soaking
and you are dry
Remind me, friend:
Is this funny?
I think it is.
You laugh so I laugh too.
Then we embrace,
You so nice and dry and warm and clean
Me so wet and dirty and cold and sweaty
And we just fit.
You know how these things are.
We fit.
"Too long, Legolas," you say, slapping my shoulder
I realize that I am
Taller than you
I never realized that
Before.
"Were you this short last time?"
I mean it but it sounds so
Absurd
That we both laugh
And you say,
"Shut up, Legolas. Carry your things
"I'll carry the umbrella
"And let's go inside.
"It's late. Ada is not going to be happy about this."
"Really?" worried.
"Aw, come on. Ada always said you could visit
"And you know he loves when you do
"So quit worrying."
"Hey, 'Ro?"
"Yes'm?"
"Forget it, 'Ro." I grin. It feels strange.
"Let's go in."
****
To be continued
For Nina
For Lea
For an apology.
This is a story.
It is an apology.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places
thereof
Author's note: I can't say how much of this will be in poem. Sorry. For
now, it's a poem, and later it may change. This story goes in the Naikele
series:
Cold Steel
Forever Mithril
Thicker Than
Nightly Gleams the Blade
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one. For those of you not familiar with the
series, most of the stories can stand on their own but this one goes very
closely with Cold Steel.
*****
I am
I am
I am
I am riding in the rain
The rain is
Rain is
Rain is soaking into my clothes
My clothes are
Clothes are
Clothes are so wet against my skin
It almost hurts
Almost.
But then a lot of things
Almost
hurt.
Some things really do.
You and I, buddy, you and I together
We can take pain, can't we?
We can weather the storms.
We're invincible.
You and me together.
In the distance in my mind in my heart in time ahead
In the space ahead of me I can see a light winking
It is a destination an ending a beginning a safehaven a solace
It is
It is
It is not my home
It is my destination but
It is not my home.
Why would I be going to my home?
Why would I be going there when I am headed I set out for I want to go
There.
If I try to get there too quickly my horse will tire
It will take another day and I will have to spend a miserable
Cold
Lonely
For ever
Night in the wind and rain.
To pass the time I trot, rising trot, rhythmic--
Up-forward-down-up-forward-down-up-forward-down. . .
After ten posts I switch diagonals but I do it wrong
Now my rhythm has changed:
Up-forward-down-SMACK-up-forward-down-SMACK-up-forward-down-SMACK
I fix my rhythm
But keep on posting
It feels so right so good so natural so--
So easy!
I switch to a canter, rhythmically faster:
Upforwarddownupforwarddown--
After a while even this
Is too
Easy.
The stirrups, I think, and I
Kick my feet
Free of their bindings
And I
Keep posting
With my feet hanging free
I didn't used to be able to do this
I can do this now
Look at me!
My legs are beginning to feel tired
I keep on posting keep on cantering keep on feeding this fire keep on going
After a time I
Stop
And put my feet back in the stirrups
Slow my horse to a walk
And I think to myself
How beautiful the rain sounds
How it sounds so soft so innocent somehow even so lonely yet so many pieces
all at once a symphony an orchestra a million players a hundred children a
thousand arrows a thousand swords--
Intricately laced are the million
Different sounds
The slow drops falling from branches of trees sliding from leaves dripping
from my boots slipping off rocks
Some are not stopped hit the ground without anything standing in their way
smashing sounds hitting sounds violent raindrops smashing hitting crashing--
There are other raindrops
There are some that just return to the stream and fit right in and are as
one and are a family and are friends and are lovers and flow smoothly and
are in their place a place for every one and every one in some place and
aren't they lucky and why can we be so unlike them and so like the
violence, violent violent hitting smashing crashing down and I just wonder
I look up and the light the light in the distance the light in my heart the
light in mind my light
The light my light has gone out
Or at least has gone
Gone from me
I cannot see
Where am I going now?
Where am I now?
Where will I be then?
Then suddenly because I am
Because I am
Because my mind is
Is so
So distracted
Because I am my mind is so distracted I don't see the branch until
It is slapping me in the face
Dragging across my face
Slimy wet leaves and rough violent rough painful bark and it hurts so bad I
think maybe maybe I should feel but then this pain, is this pain real or am
I imagining am I really here am I really wet and cold and does my face
really hurt quite this much that I cannot feel the pain I ought to feel?
The branch is gone and in front of me right in front my eyes right in my
distorted vision I see I see
A light
I see the light
I see my light
My light my destination my ending my beginning my haven my solace
The light is close now
So close
So near
And I
I am so near to it
So near to my light
So close to my destination
Just a few more steps and I can--
Here! There.
I dismount, legs slipping on the muddy ground fall down and ouch and
squelch and maybe I should have worn different pants I like these ones I
should have worn ones I don't like but too late for that
Regain my balance my footing stand back up
Grab the reins, take them, take the reins, take control, lead my horse
Lead my horse to the stables
Nice and warm
For a minute I have to pause as it hits me
I am standing
Dripping
Soaking
Dripping water onto the floor
Water dripping from my
Clothes
My hair
My hands
All of me
All of me wet
The stables, though
The stables are so so warm so comfortable so bright so friendly and I do
something
Something I rarely do
Something I thought I would never
Never do again
I smile.
I smile.
I smile because I am
Because I am
I am happy.
I am happy to be here, in these warm stables bright stables friendly
stables in this home the home of a friend the home of solace the home of
redemption the home of peace the home of healing the home
Home.
All of me is happy and that is why I why I why I smile
I smile because all of me is happy.
What a picture, I think, what an image I must be standing here
With the door open and the storm raging behind me and the lightning still
striking and the thunder still rumbling and here I am, here is me,
Smiling.
Like I've nothing in the world
But peace
And now, my friend, now that is so.
now I have nothing but peace.
So here is me:
Here is a boy with wet hair hanging around framing his face
Here is a boy looking ahead and seeing nothing
Here is a boy with wet dripping clothes
Here is a boy standing in the mixing of the smells of hay and horse and
lightning and rain
Here is a boy smiling
Here is a boy happy.
Here is a boy.
Suddenly even through my happiness I know I cannot
Cannot just stand here
All day
All night
Cannot just stand here
Framed by the darkness beyond
Yellow hair glowing
Cannot just stand here because
I have a horse that needs to be
Stable
Untacked
Fed
Watered
Groomed
And all of these things these tasks the responsibilities
I embrace them
I face them
I complete them
And by the time the horse
Is rolling in sweet fresh sawdust is coating his coat in a coat of wood
I am suddenly free of responsibilities
I am suddenly free to
Roll in the hay
Race through the stables
Dance in the rain.
I am free to skip
I am free to sing
I am free to be
Happy
So happy
So happy it feels like
Feels as good as
Sin.
I stand on my hands
I am silent
I am loud
I am vibrant
I am exuberance
I climb up atop a stack of hay
Bundles of hay all tied up
Tied up all nice and neat and organized
I climb on top and I jump
I jump to the ground below
When I hit the ground I fall
I roll
I laugh like mad
I am having fun
I am living life
I am
I am
Insane?
Maybe.
Does it matter
If I can be happy and jump from the hay and turn cartwheels and skip and
sing and be
So
Free
So for a minute I cannot say exactly
Who it is
That I am
Maybe even that you are
Perhaps even
I cannot say where I am
But of course you know
You know, so I will forget
Just for a minute or two or three or. . .
My next jump from atop the hay
I see you standing
In the doorway
Watching me and looking
Puzzled
Standing in your pyjamas watching me
Holding an umbrella over your head
Looking slightly strange with a black umbrella pyjamas of plaid flannel--
Naturally I have the same ones--
And your boots tied on without any socks
You look so funny that I laugh
And I cry
"It has been too long!"
and you set down your umbrella
and you say
"By the Valar, you might have told me
you got here
I could have helped you
stable your mount."
"Wet blanket," I tease
because I am soaking
and you are dry
Remind me, friend:
Is this funny?
I think it is.
You laugh so I laugh too.
Then we embrace,
You so nice and dry and warm and clean
Me so wet and dirty and cold and sweaty
And we just fit.
You know how these things are.
We fit.
"Too long, Legolas," you say, slapping my shoulder
I realize that I am
Taller than you
I never realized that
Before.
"Were you this short last time?"
I mean it but it sounds so
Absurd
That we both laugh
And you say,
"Shut up, Legolas. Carry your things
"I'll carry the umbrella
"And let's go inside.
"It's late. Ada is not going to be happy about this."
"Really?" worried.
"Aw, come on. Ada always said you could visit
"And you know he loves when you do
"So quit worrying."
"Hey, 'Ro?"
"Yes'm?"
"Forget it, 'Ro." I grin. It feels strange.
"Let's go in."
****
To be continued
