Hello. This is my first fan fiction so yeah, it's horrible. I think. I've already written some chapters, and I will try to publish them twice a week. Be prepared for the insanity.

Oh yeah. Here's this thing:

Our hero, TehAntiFangirl, crashes through the ceiling of Zim's base.

TAF: Hey, Zim, bro! Can I own you!

Zim: What? Who are you!? NO ONE OWNS ZIM!

TAF Well, that worked.

There, solid evidence that I do not own Invader Zim. This is pretty short but hey... enjoy...

Hey, here's a random update for y'all (all two of you, at least)- THIS THING ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS. It's a joke. Not a weird examination of the shows ethics. Because that would be unbelievably stupid- there are none to examine. Lak Shmi is meant to be a kind of parody of angsty, depressed fan fic characters. Note that the genre is "Humor" and "Parody". Sorry to destroy your hopes and dreams.


Chapter 1: Culture Shock

Lak Shmi was not having a very good day, and that was saying something. A good day for her would being escaping with her life from whatever situation inevitably arrived. Those lasers were a little much, though, and through a series of unfortunate events, she was kicked out of the Resisty for being "too resistant".

Of course.

So now, although she couldn't exactly say why, she was standing in front of a class on some sort on an alien planet. She remembered being kicked off the Resisty, then nothing. Now she was here... The kids all looked pretty clueless, except for two, a weird little guy with goggles a whole lot bigger than hers, and... HOLY VORT DOGS, WAS THAT AN IRKEN?

"Class, this is... Lak, the latest disturbing... crawling... thing to come to this horrible establishment," the teacher said, "If you want to say anything, say it now. That's the last time you will ever say ANYTHING in my class, got it?"

"Umm..." Lak Shmi looked around, trying to avoid a nervous breakdown, "I'm Lak Shmi... I'm just... normal, I guess... um... hi."

"That was the best one yet!" whispered Zita, "For a change, someone who ISN'T insane!"

"Go sit. GO!" Ms. Bitters waved Lak Shmi to the one empty seat, right next to... Irk Boy. Fuuuuun.

Lak Shmi sat down. Immediately, she got the pokey treatment.

Poke. Poke. Poke. "What are you doing here, Vortian slime?" asked Zim, poking her shoulder.

Poke. Poke. Poke. "Hey, do you have a 'skin condition'? That effects your KNEES?" asked Dib.

Lak Shmi turned to him, "I do not have a skin condition," she hissed, "I'm from another planet, you racist jerk!"

Dib's eyes widened, "MS. BITTERS!"

Ms. Bitters materialized over Dib with a hiss, "What NOW, Dib?"

"I... uh... the new kid said she was an alien..." Dib stuttered.

Ms. Bitters looked at Lak Shmi, who did her best to look innocent. "You racist jerk," she said to Dib, narrowing her bespectacled eyes.

Dib glowered at her. Zim was still poking her.

"HUH? HUH? HUH?" he was saying. Poke. Poke. Poke.

"CAN YOU STOP THAT?" Lak Shmi growled in her husky voice.

Zim pulled back his hand. "Are you one of those 'universal peace' weirdos?"

"Pft, no," Lak Shmi rolled her eyes, "Who are you?"

"I AM ZIM!" he said proudly, "And I am normal..."

"Uh-huh..." she said, then she realized the second comment had been directed at the other students. Why did the Irken go to such lengths to disguise his identity?

She leaned over to see what Dib was doodling. There was a freakish little goat girl screaming in horror as scientists ripped her organs out. She shuddered- if this was how the planet treated it's visitors, she'd have to follow suit and get a disguise as soon as possible.

"Guys, there are OBVIOUSLY two aliens in this class!" said Dib to his fellow students. "I mean look, he's a bug and she's a goat! COME ON!"

"Aw man, Dib," groaned Poonchy, "Next thing you'll be saying Goatboy's an alien."

The class turned to stare at Goatboy.

"Prisoner 777?" Zim and Lak Shmi gasped simultaneously. Prisoner 777 grinned sheepishly, but was tackled by Irken soldiers who dropped out of the sky and taken back to prison.

"Noooo! 777!" cried Lak Shmi, "He owed me money!"

Dib smacked his face, "Seriously? You guys gotta believe me now!"

"Wait... Goatboy was an alien?" Tae asked.

"YES!" Dib said emphatically.

"But... he liked Pokémon," said Brian. Everybody knows aliens HATE Pokémon. Zim and Lak Shmi shuddered at the thought- being stuck in those little balls. Aliens have a "thing" about being trapped. They kind of freak.

Dib groaned. The class reminisced on the good times spent looking through Goatboy's immense collection.

"...And they all died," Ms. Bitters finished, "Go now."

The children jumped out the windows in a mad dash for freedom. Lak Shmi felt someone poke her shoulder.

"WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" she said, exasperated, "Always poking! I swear, I'd have stayed in prison if I knew I'd just be poked again once I was free!"

Dib drew back, "You escaped from justice?"

"Irken justice is no justice," she hissed.

"You... you were captured by Irkens!? Good! You can help me defeat Zim now!" Dib grinned widely, but Lak Shmi shook her head.

"I don't like the way you think. Dissecting is bad," she winced, remembering unsavory things, "And I really just wanna go home. I wanna find Lard Nar and destroy him for dumping me in this civil rights sewer."

"I-" Dib started, "But... science!"

"Science," Lak Shmi said, "Uses an MRI machine. Science uses an X-Ray. How do I know this? I am a scientist. And I never had to dissect anything."

"You'd just let me use an MRI on you?" Dib asked, confused.

"Sure. It's for science, right? Might as well advance civilization while I'm here," she shrugged.

"I don't have one."

"Too bad."

"Um... I'm gonna go now," Dib said, "Find Zim and... catch him. Do some tests."

"He's sentient," she said coldly, "They all are, the Irkens, and that's why I won't destroy them. They wouldn't let me join the Resisty because of it. Lard Nar's a fool..."

"Sure, Zim's-"

"Sentient. That's the important piece. He'll know what you're doing. Why it's happening. He'll feel pain, Dib. He'll cry," she furrowed her brow, "Understand now, Dib, that I will never forgive you for making ANYTHING feel like that. NO ONE deserves that fate, that helplessness."

Dib took a step back. He looked around at the remaining kids, and then ran off. His feet were pounding the tiles. Why did the freakish goat girl have to come now? Why did she ruin it for him? Jeez, she was dark. Zim wouldn't cry... would he? How would she know?

He stopped. Zim was standing in the door, his hand over his eye. When he noticed Dib was behind him, he turned around. He left eye was swollen.

"Stupid pig-smelly," he grunted, "Hello, Dib. Do not think that your inferior bullying technology can bring down an Irken invader! I will have my revenge in 10-fold!"

Laughing wildly, he ran off.

"I dread tomorrow," sighed Dib, kicking the wall. No, Zim wouldn't cry. But why did the goat girl think he would? It was a mystery for another day, another battle. The boy sighed. Aliens were stoopid, granted, but they were the only people who would talk to him.

Lak Shmi brushed past him, her head tilted backward like she had saw a popular human girl do. She was followed by a couple of other girls, giggling to each other. Dib watched as they pushed her over and grabbed a snack from her coat pocket.

"Hey!" she called, "Kids are the same on every planet."

Dib snickered a little. Aliens were pretty nerdy, too.

Lak Shmi brushed herself off, and leaned back on her oddly-formed legs. She had to find a place to sleep... she looked around. There was a tree. There'd been trees on Vort before it was covered with prisons. She had slept under a tree before. She remembered that day, and allowed herself a brief flashback.

"Lak Shmi! Lak Shmi!" Lard Nar had called excitedly. They were still kids, playing at Lard Nar's house.

"What? What?" she had asked.

"Look- we can camp here!" he said happily, pointing to a lilac colored tree.

"I dunno..." Lak Shmi said skeptically.

"Come on, Shmi!" he said. She stiffened at the affectionate term. It was like calling your older friend "-chan" in Japan, you know?

"All right," she sighed, "But if it rains we go back in."

And they slept under the tree, and it didn't rain. It was perfect and happy.

Not so tonight. The rain fell around her. Lak Shmi pulled her legs to her chest and shivered. Too bad she didn't have any money. Lard Nar wasn't like the kid she used to know. He was all, "I wanna blow it up!" and stuff. Lak Shmi smiled at that memory. She wished he knew how to seriously form a rebellion. She wished he still liked her enough to listen.

The rain on this planet was hard and cold and kind of burned. Lak Shmi rolled over and sighed. Her back was never going to be the same again.