Author's Note: This is a sequel to Reindeer Games. That doesn't have to have been read to understand this story. That one was pure smut. Don't get me wrong, there will be smut in this story, but I wanted there to be more. This story is more about self-exploration about sexuality, and I'm talking about more than sexual orientation. I think that sexual interests, kinks, and fetishes are still considered to be very taboo, and there isn't enough dialogue that lets people know that there is nothing (in my opinion) wrong or abnormal about having sexual interests/fetishes, so long as they are done safely and by consenting adults (as all sexual acts should). I'm hoping this story is more about the journey someone (in this case, Kurt) takes in trying to understand what he wants in terms of sex and sexuality, and that life and love are not black-and-white.

Disclaimer: Thoughts and ideas are mine, characters and anything else Glee related are not

Chapter 1: Internal Struggles

Kurt was only a few weeks into his first semester at NYADA, but was already beginning to feel overwhelmed. Oddly enough, though, it had nothing to do with the coursework (which was strenuous nonetheless). It seemed liked the last few months in Kurt's life was a complete roller coaster. He finally gets to New York, only to then find out Blaine cheated on him. Then, he seems to make peace with Blaine and his cheating, but learns that his father has prostate cancer (he doesn't care what stage his father says it is; you hear the word cancer, you freak out).

But, it was none of these things that currently have Kurt distracted. He can't help but think back to a week before Christmas. Santana had come to visit and Rachel had gotten them jobs as elves. Then . . . they met him, Cody Tolentino (aka Sexy Santa). They thought inviting him over would be fun. Kurt couldn't deny that he found Cody extremely attractive (maybe he had something going with the Sexy Santa nickname). Thanks to Santana's pointed comments about Kurt's lack of sex appeal and Cody's special rum, Kurt completely lost his inhibitions and found himself making out with Santa for much of the evening. Santana and Rachel disappeared (little did Kurt know that Cody's rum knocked them both out cold), and Kurt found himself alone in his bedroom with Cody.

Cody suggested role-playing, and Kurt was almost too happy to oblige. Before he knew it, he found himself hogtied on his bed, and he was actually enjoying it. He was gagged with Cody's Santa hat and was informed that he and the girls were being robbed. It was just a ploy all along to get their things. Those kind of things can really interrupt a sexy happening.

Kurt was replaying everything that happened that night over and over in his head. Rachel had even suggested he see a counselor, believing that Kurt may be suffering from PTSD. Kurt kept telling Rachel he was fine, but was considering the possibility of talking with someone. However, it wasn't the reason that Rachel (or anyone else) suggested. Kurt hasn't been able to get out of his head how much he enjoyed being tied up.

Every time that Kurt thinks about that evening (and he thinks about it almost all of the time), he berates himself. He gets angry at himself for being turned on, especially knowing that Cody just ended up robbing them. He let something with a complete stranger go further than he should have. He then gets angry for getting turned on, again, when he thinks about that night. Kurt remembers being left tied on the bed, harder than he ever recalls. He relieved himself only after the police were called, and he came almost instantly. The desire to have Cody make him cum is now one of his typical fantasies. Mostly, though, Kurt thinks about what Cody said to him that night:

Cody reached down to Kurt's obviously erect penis and felt dampness. "Yeah," he chuckled, "you are enjoying this." He rubbed Kurt gently, causing a moan to emit from Kurt's gagged mouth. "You are definitely enjoying this, Kurt. And I think I know why."

Kurt could only look at Cody confusedly before Cody continued. "Like I said, Kurt, you're sweet. But you're boring. Before all of this getting tied up nonsense, I know you were having fun. You threw caution to the wind and took a walk on the wild side. You made out with a stranger. You ended up in this position and you're getting robbed, which sucks for you, but I hope you've learned a lesson. Have fun in your life . . . just don't get so drunk and make poor decisions."

Much like everything that evening, Kurt hates to admit that he somewhat agrees with what Cody said. For the most part, his life, at least sexually, has been boring. Before Cody, all Kurt knew was Blaine. And he'd never begrudge the time he and Blaine spent together. Blaine respected the fact that Kurt loved romance and musicals, and wanted to take things very slowly. Kurt couldn't have asked for a better first boyfriend, a better first love. He will always have fond memories of the night he and Blaine shared together after the school play. But, Kurt began to think that maybe he wanted more, or at least something different. He certainly wanted to find a relationship and to eventually start a family, but would it be so bad if he had some fun while he looked? And why did the two have mutually exclusive? Kurt wanted to explore if there could be more than just romance. He's young and single in New York, so why not have some fun?

Kurt had all of these feelings, and he wasn't sure what to do about them. For all of the notions he had about exploring his sexuality, Kurt couldn't help but think of what his dad told him when they had "the talk." His father said that sex is supposed to be something shared between two people, and it's something that mattered. Once again thinking back to his first time with Blaine, Kurt agreed. He couldn't shake the notion, though, that he did enjoy the times where he and Blaine simply had sex. Sure, there was lovemaking, but there were also times that were rushed and where it was more about relieving the sexual tension rather than connecting with someone with whom he loved. Though Kurt tried to look at things in terms of shades of gray, he had a hard time differentiating between black and white here.

Cody was definitely right about one thing – if Kurt wanted to have some fun, he would need to do it safely. There would be no alcohol and trust would have to be there. Trust . . . that was a difficult word for Kurt to even comprehend at the moment. First, he was having idea with trusting himself. Any erotic thought suddenly turns into a guilt trip, where he continues to have that battle of pleasure vs. love.

Second, how could he trust someone after what happened? Sure, he wanted to be touched and even wanted to get off, but what if someone wanted to go further than Kurt wanted? Would he respect Kurt's boundaries? Would Kurt know what his own boundaries are? How exactly would he even approach the subject with a guy?

Finally, there was no one that Kurt could trust to share these feelings with. Rachel would freak out (and probably make it about herself; Kurt loved her, but that was a habit she has still had a lot of trouble breaking . . . especially since the Winter Showcase). Santana had already left New York (Kurt knew she'd be back), but Kurt wasn't sure he could talk openly with her. Sure, she's had many sexual experiences, but Kurt couldn't deal with all the judgment and the ida that she'd tell everyone back home (and he didn't need his dad to have another heart attack). And, of course, he couldn't tell Blaine. Sure, they were starting to work on having a friendship, and Blaine even offered to talk with Kurt about sex before they got together, but Kurt believed it would be in bad taste to talk with an ex about sexual fantasies involving a hookup that ended in a robbery.

Kurt closed his laptop, sighing with frustration and putting his head down on his desk. He was ignoring the tenting that was happening in his pants. He started to regret that every pair of pants he owned were so damn tight. Finally, it dawned on Kurt as he picked up his head and stared at his computer. There was always the internet, a place where he could explore what he wanted under strict anonymity. After texting Rachel to confirm that she would still be gone for a few hours, Kurt tentatively opened up his laptop and started his search, not quite certain of what exactly he's looking for.

Thanks for reading the first chapter. I have a general idea of what I want this story to look like and have a skeleton of the next few chapters. I don't want to make any promises about when I'll update because I don't want to rush anything. I will promise, though, that I'll see this story through. I am always open to comments and some suggestions (as I said, I know where I want this story to go, but if someone says something that really strikes me, I'm happy to incorporate the idea).