Disclaimer: My analyst says I should be over the fact that Hey Arnold! doesn't belong to me by 2047. I think she's an optimist.
Possibly Dangerous
By Pyrus Japonica
Chapter 1
Curse
Crazy, n.: someone deranged and possibly dangerous, See also: wacko, psycho, teenager. For specific example, see: Gammelthorpe, Thaddeus "Curly".
-- taken from the Hillside City Collective Dictionary, edition VII
Penguins are not fun to wake up to.
Don't get me wrong, I love the little flightless birds. But still, they're not really the kind of animal that you want to start your day with. Especially Jackass ones.
"Shut up!" I yelled into the void of my room. The braying stopped just long enough for the penguins to be amazed that the lump under my covers was making noise, then started up again. I groaned and stuck my head out far enough to check my clock.
"Dad! It's freaking 5 am, can't you shut up the penguins??"
A shadow appearing on the floor told me my dad was standing in the doorway. Probably fully dressed, the freak, but I wasn't about to check. I swear the shadow was smiling.
"Thaddeus! Wonderful to see you awake!"
I made a rude gesture at him from under the covers.
"Aren't they beautiful?" he cooed at the birds waddling around my room. "Sadly, they can't stay long. Even though I turned off the heat they really need their own environment. They're just stopping here long enough for a bit of a visit before they head off to a State Zoo."
I poked my head further out of the covers to look at him. He was dressed, thank God.
"Which one?"
"Hmm?" he had been distracted by one of the penguins eating my homework. Another great excuse in the making. "Oh, I don't know. Probably Michigan."
I jumped out of bed, then jumped right back in when I realized how cold it was. I wrapped myself in blankets and stood on the bed to yell at my dad. "Michigan? As in, Detroit Zoo?? Dad, you can't!"
"Now Thaddeus, it's not like I have a choice here son. This is my job, it's how I put food on the table. I transport animals. If you don't like it, maybe you'd like to get a job and support me and your mother!" He glared at me, then stomped off to the kitchen.
"Dad," I yelled after him, "I'm 17! I'm a junior in High School! I could get a job if you'd let me!"
"You mean if the city would let you!" he yelled back.
"Same thing," I mumbled.
I sat down and watched the penguins wreak havoc in my room. "Jackass penguins," I rattled off automatically, "Are named for their ability to bray like a donkey and are native to…well, not Michigan anyway." One of the penguins had figured out how to get onto my desk, and was playing King of the Hill with the other penguins.
Well, there was no way I'd be going back to sleep in all this. I got up and started shivering uncontrollably. Clothes. Must get clothes. I headed to my closet and one of the few comforting constants in my life. The same striped shirt, the same black pair of shorts that I've been wearing since I was who knows how old. I managed to make my way to the closet door and open it. And scream.
I jumped over the penguins and hurtled towards the kitchen. My dad, probably still mad at me, was slamming the refrigerator door. I skidded to a halt in front of him and caught my breath.
"Where. Are. All. My. Clothes?!" I sputtered.
My dad stared at me, half-eaten wheat toast in hand. He pointed at a freezer lying sideways and open on the floor. I knelt and peered in. It was lined with my clothes, now shredded and covered in penguin poop. Great.
"Uh, Thaddeus?"
"WHAT." I wasn't in the mood for small talk. I stood to face him and glanced at the clock. Well, at least I had plenty of time to find something to wear before school.
"Ever considered say…pajamas?"
I looked down. Ah. That would explain the draft I was feeling. I attempted to muster my dignity. "Perhaps, if I owned any…"
"Didn't we get you some for Christmas last year?"
"No dad, that was a porcupine. Not exactly comfortable sleepwear."
"Your birthday then."
"On my birthday, you bribed a guard to let me into the zoo."
"Oh, that's right," he narrowed his eyes at me, "Do you still have that uniform?"
"No," I lied, "Any other questions? Because I need to learn how to sew before the bus comes, or I'll be wearing a sheet to school." Actually, that might not be a bad idea.
He waved his hand at me and spoke to my mother, who had been sitting at the kitchen table during this entire exchange. "This Christmas, pajamas. Got that Christina?"
My mother nodded and sipped her hot water with lemon. My dad looked disappointed. I don't know what he had expected. At least she acknowledged him. I turned and walked back to the chaos of my room.
It was covered in feathers. Apparently while I was gone one of the birds had had the bright idea to rip open my pillow. I could get some tar, and then invite my dad…but no, I had bigger problems to solve first. Like what I was going to wear today.
A sheet was probably out unless I could find some scissors, and my luck wasn't running too well right now. Where were the clothes I was wearing yesterday? Let's see, last night when I got back…but thinking of last night suddenly brought everything back to me.
"Oh no!" I said aloud, "I'm cursed!"
"Not while you're under my roof!" yelled my dad.
I ignored him and tried to recall the events of last night…
It was the Cheese Festival, again. I had gone underneath the Tilt-o-Whirl to see if I could break it but I forgot my wrench, so I had to crawl out again to find it.
Unfortunately, I must have gotten turned around under there, because when I finally got outside I was on the opposite end from my tools. I was just about to go back when a hand grabbed my shoulder.
"You are come to have your fortune told, yes?"
I was near the Destiny Tents, Fortunes Told for 25 Cents, and the ample lady gripping me was obviously a gypsy.
"No!" I yelled and tried to bite her hand, but nearly chipped a tooth on one of her bangles. She frowned at me and pushed me into her tent.
"I will tell your fortune now." She sat me down at a small table and seated herself at the other side, blocking my exit. I hunched down and glared at her.
"I don't have a quarter."
"Now you don't." She smiled and held out her hand. In it was the thirty-five cents I was saving for moldy cheese later.
"Give that back!"
She snatched her hand away and frowned again. "Be glad I don't sue you for assault. This will only take a minute. Relax."
"Relax? I've just been kidnapped! I've just been robbed! I—"
She clamped one large hand against my mouth, and wouldn't move it despite my licking it desperately. She put her other hand to her head and began to hum loudly. I wished I had a laser beam.
"I see that you are greatly troubled. Your life has not been as easy one."
I managed to pull her hand away long enough to spit out, "Maybe if I hadn't just been mugged…" before she muzzled me again.
"But there is a ray of hope…something to say about your future…it is coming…coming…almost here…"
I went for all out panic. Arms and legs flailing wildly, I knocked over the table, breaking her concentration and a few of the glass objects in the room besides. The table hit a tiny portable radio which switched to a pop station.
"He was a boy,
She was a girl.
Can I make it any more obvious?"
"Hey, I like this song!" I started to dance but the gypsy grabbed me by the neck this time.
"Erk…"
"Destiny brought you here tonight boy, you cannot escape it," she brought her face closer to mine, and I could smell alcohol on her breath, "You may think you can do without help from the fates, but I know you cannot do that either." Looking over to the floor, she muttered, "You broke my crystal ball. That thing cost me $29.95, damn it." Then she squashed her nose against mine. I held my breath. "A curse on you, Thaddeus," she whispered.
And with that, she kicked me out of her tent. Literally.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I had never told her my name.
I came back to the present. Was I really cursed? I thought carefully about the events of the day so far. Nothing unusual. I'd have to keep an eye out for strange things happening to me.
I turned my head slightly and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Still a handsome devil. My bowl cut was getting really long, it was past my ears now but dad kept forgetting to cut it. Even my bangs had grown out so I had to comb them out of the way. I flexed and grinned. Oh yeah, all those zoo raids were paying off in muscle-tone. No doubt about it, I am to die for. I swatted a penguin away.
That's when I remembered that my clothes from last night were in my hamper, of all places. I dug them out. Not my normal outfit exactly. Actually not at all. I had only worn them because the Cheese Festival has a nasty habit of kicking me out if they recognize me. A black t-shirt and some black jeans, both of which were a bit tight. (Aunt Frieda had bought them for me right before my last growth spurt.) I slid them on and looked in the mirror again. At least they matched my hair, which kept falling into my eyes. Annoying. Really need to get Dad to cut that.
Ok, all set for school. Except…something was missing. I stared into the mirror, going over every detail of my appearance. Nothing. Then I turned and scanned my room. Other than more penguins, again, nothing. I looked back at the mirror again. Then it hit me. I could see my reflection.
Not that I'm a vampire or anything, it's just that usually first thing in the morning my reflection is all fuzzy because…I don't have…my glasses…on. The truth was dawning slowly on my mind. I stared at my eyes, one more time for good measure. Blue. Bright deep blue. But no glasses.
Panicked, I opened my specially locked drawer in my desk, pulled out a crushed velvet case, opened the case and put on my beautiful thick lovely official Gammelthorpe glasses.
I couldn't see a thing. It was like looking through clam chowder. Not that I've ever tried. Much.
I took off the glasses. Perfect vision. Slowly, I folded my official Gammelthorpe glasses that everyone in my entire extended family wore except my Great Uncle Rubert who we never talk about anyway, replaced them in their case and locked them away.
And now I was scared.
A/N: I am too. I think this chapter will be the least random of them. And don't worry I'm working on Hot Air, I just needed a psycho break and this is it. :) ~PJ
