Chapter 1: Hello, Goodbye
Land. It's so much different than Space. Land: solid, stoic…static. The monotony was not needed and not wanted. There was too much pain being felt. Too much to think about. She needed space. She needed Space.
Moving a hand to massage her bruised shoulder, she found that it offered no relief. She was beyond bruised. She was broken. Physically, Mentally. Whatever else, she was broken.
And now she had to sit through this ceremony. This damn ceremony. Who would give a medal to a soldier who survived an attack that killed her entire team? She didn't need a medal for her cowardice. She really just wanted to sleep. …To die. Why did she deserve to live? Why couldn't she save them?
"Luciana! Just run! Please!" He pushed her hands away from his body as she had tried to stop the blood. There was just too much. He was going to die. She shook at the realization, tears streaming down her face. She couldn't save him. Reality seemed to be crashing down about her.
"I just found you! I just found you! I can't lose you again!" He squeezed her hand, holding it close to his heart. It broke at the thought of her grief. He loved her. God, he loved her.
"Go, Luciana. I love you." His eyes closed and his ragged breath stopped. She reluctantly pulled her hand from his grasp. Standing, she drew her pistol. They will pay.
The shrieks of her team, her brothers and sisters, filled the air as it grew putrid with the smell of acid and blood. It was chaos. She couldn't focus. Every time she turned her head more were dead. Clutching her sniper rifle close, she tried to hit one of the monsters that were attacking them. She was too terrified. Her shots were off. She couldn't breathe. Her incompetence was killing them. She needed to focus.
"Shepard! You have to get out of here. We'll hold it off. You're the only one they'll listen to, ma'am! Run, that's an order, ma'am!" Toombs.
"I won't leave you!" She screamed, clawing at him as he pushed her away from the battle. "NO!" Her smaller frame gave way easily as he hoisted her into the air to get her away faster. She beat hard against his shoulders to no avail. "Let me down, Toombs! Let go!"
He wrestled her into the inner compound before locking and shorting out the door. He heard her bang hopelessly on its steel as he readied himself to face the monsters. She was their only hope. She needed to survive.
She ran. She ran so that she could kill the things that had eaten an entire colony and her team. She would have vengeance. She was a coward.
How far she had come, to avenge him. By the blood of her men, she had won. The Batarians had been massacred. Torfan had been won. But at what cost? Did their lives equate to this?
She lay wounded amongst the dead bodies, bleeding. She couldn't move. Not only because of her wounds but because of her guilt. She felt relief and remorse at the same time. It made her sick.
She closed her eyes, wishing for death. It would be so much simpler.
But it did not come. Catherine Luciana Shepard awoke in an Alliance Med bay with another medal and title to her name: Commander.
"Cate, it's been six years." Anderson looked over to her, watching as she slunk into the grass, kneeling, as they watched Alliance Military officers change guard in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. This was where she remembered those she had lost. This was where she decided that she could best pay her respects to her dead soldiers, for they had no grave; just a plaque on a wall and ink on her back.
They had come in the drizzling rain at her request as it had been the first time she had gotten shore leave on the home world in almost three years. Guilt and sorrow had eaten her up along her travels as she found it was difficult to grieve them without a physical grave. To just stare at a list of names on her Datapad felt wrong and inhumane to remember them in such a way.
She snorted. "David, you and I both know Akuze is not the only reason I am here. I'm here for Torfan too. And for the Blitz." She had proven to be a hero, a survivor and an avenger in three years and she was proud of none of those titles. "I thought, stupidly, that somehow someway by avenging him on Torfan, sacrificing my men to achieve my own personal vengeance, I'd get him back… or just be comfortable with him gone. I was wrong. I paid my price." She ran rough fingertips along her jawline, uncomfortable in her own skin.
"It's a difficult lesson to learn. It's made you who you are now: the best soldier I've seen in a while. You have compassion and this charisma that would make any soldier follow you to the ends of the galaxy – hell, I would – but, you're not weary about making tough decisions when you need to make them. That is what sacrifice has built in you. We need more soldiers like you."
Cate ran a hand over her face as she thought about his words. He did not really understand what sacrifice meant to her. He had sacrificed himself out of love for her on Elysium, she had risked her life to save Elysium, her soldiers had sacrificed themselves for her to escape on Akuze, and she had sacrificed her men on Torfan to achieve a nasty revenge. Sacrifice had taken a toll on her. …Maybe Anderson did know something about what sacrifice meant… He knew that now, she would give her life to save anyone else's.
Standing and facing him, she tried to discern the true meaning of why he had agreed to escort her to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. He had ulterior motives. She could tell by his pointed looks and his willingness to talk about her record. He wasn't proud of Torfan. He hated it. When he had read the report, he was so disappointed. He had lost the little girl he had known; she was a different woman now. And when Hannah had asked him about why her daughter had made such ruthless decisions, he couldn't bear telling her that it was for revenge. "What do you want me to do, sir?"
He couldn't deny her the truth. He couldn't ever. He had passed information to her about Torfan. He had requested that she be sent to Torfan as she knew her foe from the Blitz. He was responsible for her actions because of his unwillingness to hide things from her. Now was no different. "I want you to join me. It would be nice to work with an N7 again, graduate."
Her graduation from the N7 program was the reason for her shore leave on Earth. She had sat through another damn ceremony. At least this one only celebrated her future survival and the death of others. She hated ceremonies. "Aboard that Turian ship?"
"The Normandy is of Human and Turian design. I want you as XO. Well, I need you as XO, Cate," he chuckled, wrinkles forming on his forehead and at the sides of his eyes. He loved this girl as his own daughter. He wanted what was best for her but he also wanted what was best for the galaxy. She needed to be a Spectre.
Cate smirked, reaching out to touch his arm. "And I need Space. Get me off this rock, Anderson."
A few months prior
Admiral Hackett impatiently checked his watch as he waited for the now late Captain Anderson. They were supposed to already be meeting the Ambassador. He understood that Citadel traffic was bad sometimes, but still… Making the Ambassador wait was not at the top of his priority list. He knew Ambassador Udina had a temper, one he rarely kept in check. Hackett just didn't want to hear any of the political bullshit that was going to fly out of his mouth. He had had enough of that recently with overseeing parts of the SSV Normandy's construction. Yes, he had had enough of being paraded about as the Alliance's new dealer of all bullshit. Truly, he was just a soldier. He did not want to be visible in the political sector at all, but apparently he had a 'knack' for it – something, he cursed himself for. Sometimes, he wished he could just be that lowly seaman, just following orders and keeping his head down.
No, that was not his life. Not anymore. And he was reminded of that as Captain Anderson joined him in the Ambassador's antechamber. "Sir," the Captain addressed him, giving a quick salute. Hackett nodded to him and they informed Udina's attendant that they were ready for the meeting.
They exchanged greetings and handshakes with the Ambassador as they sat down and got down to business. Anderson placed three identical files on the table, handing one to each of the men there. Hackett's eyes found the name on the file: Catherine Luciana Shepard.
Shepard was a household name. Hannah was a legend. She had been very involved in the First Contact War, leading intelligence teams into very trying situations. She was now the Executive Officer of the Kilimanjaro, an Alliance dreadnaught. But her daughter Catherine was something else. Everyone knew her service record, of the Blitz and Akuze and Torfan. She was as much a legend as her mother.
These talks they were having had been going on for months over comm calls. It was different in person. It felt more official. Shepard was the last of their candidates they were considering putting forth for candidacy for a Spectre. Hackett hoped she was the one. They needed a human Spectre.
Udina did not open his file while Hackett and Anderson both did. "What can you tell me about her? I know she's a Spacer, grew up with Mommy Shepard. Poor papa was out of the picture though," he sneered. All of the other candidates they had put forward had received the same treatment from him. Hackett hated how disagreeable he was. Politicians.
Anderson narrowed his eyes at the man and stated flatly, "If you really need the reference, open the file and you would remember that she was the hero of the Blitz." Anderson was briefly happy about Udina not reading the file as he did not see the true reason why she joined the Alliance. It wasn't because of her parents, it was a sentence.
Hackett joined him. "She rallied what little troops there were and held off the invasion until help arrived." Paraphrasing the file, he added, "She's the only reason why the people of Elysium are not in chains and why we hardly lost any troops until reinforcements came. She's good at her job."
Finally opening the file, Udina read over some lines, information he already knew about. "Akuze. She's off the table." He closed the file with a thump, folding his hands over top of it.
Anderson exploded, smacking the table in rage. "Why? She's our best chance. She's the best damn soldier we have to offer. You know Akuze was not her fault." Picking up her report, he read verbatim, "'…Toombs requested that I leave the vicinity very aggressively. In the accompanying audio, he told me to "get out of here" and that it was "an order". It was the hardest decision of my life. I didn't have to make it. He forced me into shelter, trapping me. I ran as my squad held off what I know now as Thresher Maws… I couldn't avenge my team. I need to kill the monsters…'" Dropping the report rather violently, he stared fiercely at Udina. "She has scars. She faced a very tough situation. It would be understandable if she was now mentally unstable. But," he pointed his finger harshly at her file. "She survived."
Udina snarled slightly. "Is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy?"
Wearily, Anderson answered him, hoping that he would understand why they needed her. "That's the only person who can protect the galaxy."
Not wanting to interject into the other men's quarrel, Hackett cleared his throat softly. Their silence gave him leave to say, "We should not question Akuze. It is Torfan we should worry about. She got most of her squad killed on Torfan."
Luckily the file and none of the reports had mentioned him or her personal investment in Torfan, Anderson thought. If the Alliance brass knew…
It was Udina's turn to defend her. From the reports he had read about Torfan, he had supported her choices. "She gets the job done, it seems," finally conceding to Anderson. "No matter what the cost. I think that is something we need in a soldier."
"I do worry about her obedience. She's never been one to follow the rules and regulations. She's been court-martialed more than I would like a candidate to be. Could we trust her to do what we ask of her?" Hackett felt like he really needed a nap; better yet, a drink. This Spectre nomination process was hairy and too political for his liking. He would have preferred to put an N7 who had a clean record on the podium, just because he knew they would be a little more controllable. Based on resume alone, Cate was the perfect candidate. She had seen terrible situations and made the best of them, she had top records in all of her tests and training modules, and he couldn't deny her lineage or reputation. People both feared and respected her. Amongst the Alliance, she was a juggernaut, a titan among men. Even aliens seemed to fear her, especially after Torfan. Normal people didn't do what she did, does. She was bred for this and trained for this. The heavens had aligned themselves for this.
"Hard decisions have to be made. We need someone who has had her experiences. We need her. She is the most qualified person in the galaxy." Anderson's eyes pleaded with them. Hear me out. Please.
Hackett tugged on his beard for a second before nodding. "She's the only one, I suppose."
Looking to Udina, both men searched his face for his answer. "I'll make the call." He shook their hands as they stood, gathering the files. "I'll arrange for her graduation ceremony from the N7 program to take place on Earth soon. Good day, gentlemen."
She found herself growing ever more frustrated with every passing second. Earlier, she had zipped up her boots before noticing that they were on the wrong feet and had missed a belt loop or two.
Cate now fiddled with the pockets of her black standard issued cargo pants as she waited for Anderson in the Alliance Base Reception so that he could escort her to the new ship. Noticing her actions, she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to force herself to calm down. Which she did not achieve and began messing with her hair. Soon, she would be likely to pull her N7 tee-shirt from its place tucked snugly into her pants to toy with it as well.
Attempting to call Anderson one more time, Cate grew even more irritated with his absence. She began pacing. When she noticed she was, she forced herself to sit. And when she noticed her legs shaking as she sat, she forced them still with her hands. She was a wreck.
The receptionist observed her with slight amusement and sympathy. Standing, the woman made her way over to the soldier with coffee hair. "Miss, can I get you something? Water or some coffee?"
Cate jumped at the woman's sudden appearance, offering her a pinched smile. "Could I have some water?"
"Certainly, miss." She watched the receptionist retreat back and fetch her a cup of water. "Here you are."
"Thank you," Cate flashed a smile again. She was a mess and this woman had seen that. She was thankful for the water, but even more thankful for the woman's sympathy and willingness to set her at ease.
Just as she was about to ask the woman her name, Anderson called out her name, "Cate! Sorry, I'm late." He put a hand on her shoulder. Cate sent him a dirty look. "Thank you, Ms. Cordova, for taking care of her. Have a nice day."
"Thank you." Cate managed to get out before Anderson turned her away and they started to briskly walk to his taxi.
"Damn traffic," Anderson cursed as they squeezed into the taxi, securing their belts and instructing the driver on where to go.
As she watched the other cars zoom by, she thought about how much she loved Arcturus Station. It brought her peace. It was like having all of her favorite land amenities, but on a giant space station. Yes, she'd rather be here than on any planet. It was the best of both worlds.
She had calmed down, she noticed, though she was still drumming her fingers against her leg. Anderson smiled at her habits. Trying to reassure her, he said, "You're a good leader, Cate." She knew that he knew why she was upset. A tabloid had released an op-ed about her that smeared her name. The writer claimed that they had several witnesses that said that she knew that the thresher maws were on Akuze and led her people there on purpose. This information apparently correlated with the fact that she had gotten many of her men killed on Torfan as well. The tabloid had released this story because of her joining the Normandy, a ship many felt like she should not be in charge of because of her bloody history. As the article had said, why would they give a top of the line warship to a traitor and a murder?
Of course, she felt like this story could impact her initial meeting with her crew. She could not have distrust working against her. Then people could get killed. She already had her public record against her when it came to meeting people. She didn't need to have others adding fuel to the fire with their wild speculations.
The look of gratefulness she gave him made his heart soar. "Thank you, David," she told him as their car stopped outside the docking bay. She straightened her posture as they exited, all signs of her frustration gone. She was Catherine Luciana Shepard. She should not let others shape her story and certainly shouldn't let it warp her into a mess.
As they entered the beautiful Normandy, she couldn't hide her grin. The ship was magnificent. It was pure art. And she loved it. She was too busy geeking out to hear someone shout, "Officers on deck!" Cate was turned at the sudden sound of heels clicking together as all of her subordinates saluted her and Anderson.
She took a second to return the salute as Anderson said, "At ease! I am Captain David Anderson, your CO. This is Commander Shepard. She will be your XO." She felt suddenly judged as everyone stared at her, evaluating her – she assumed. She could just hear their thoughts: "Hero of the Blitz," "Butcher of Torfan," "Akuze."
Anderson left her to the crew he apparently already knew or just didn't have time to mingle with. "Hello," she offered a tight smile, tugging at her pockets. "I'm Commander Cate Shepard." She straightened up, assuming more control. "I look forward to working with you and for you. I know you have heard the stories and rumors about me. Know that I am not defined by my titles, other than XO. Do I make myself clear?"
There was a chorus of "yes, ma'am" and then silence. Cate truly didn't have anything else to say yet. She was exhausted. She had been up late worrying about this situation, practicing different outcomes and speeches in her head all through the night. She did not regret it though. Being worried allowed her to be distracted from her normal nighttime routine of ghoulish nightmares. She was worn from the constant reminders of their deaths. They had haunted her ever since Elysium.
"So if you have any questions…" she was cut off by a bearded man in an Alliance hat, leaning heavily on his crutches. "So, Cate, I've heard you love ships, being a spacer and all. But what about their pilots?" He beamed a big grin at her and she could not help but return it.
"It's Shepard to you," she replied shortly, but not without humor, arching an eyebrow, "Mr. …?"
"Name's Joker," he stated proudly. Commenting on the nickname, he explained, "It's supposed to be funny." He stuck out his hand for her to shake. She grasped it firmly, knowing that this man was the best pilot in the galaxy. "It is nice to finally meet the woman behind the legend. Honestly, I was expecting the Grim Reaper itself or something hellishly sexy like a she-demon. Close though. You're actually not too scary."
She raised an eye brow at the pass at her and made a mental note to chat with him about the commander-subordinate boundaries. "I try to smile a bit more than the pictures in the tabloids," she offered. "It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Joker."
"You've heard of me? It's a dream come true! Let me have the crew introduce themselves." He motioned to the two men that stood slightly behind him. He moved out of the way and leaned heavily once more on his supports.
Taking their cue to introduce themselves, a young, excitable man stuck out his hand quickly before the older man behind him could. "Corporal Richard L. Jenkins, ma'am. Did you really do all the things they say you did?" Before she could answer, he shook his head as if it had been a silly question. "Of course you did. You're N7. You're the best there is." Apparently, he didn't need any additional gossip about her. Anything he heard he assumed was true. She gave a small smile at his naïveté, knowing it wouldn't be that harmful.
The man behind him placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't overwhelm her too much, Jenkins. I'm sure the Commander is a little tired after her recent journey from Earth." As Jenkins stepped to the side, he gave her a warm smile and a hand. She sized up her second, admiring the seasoned warrior. Anderson had given her all their files. She had taken slight interest in her LT as he was an L2 Biotic. To her surprise, and probably many others, he still functioned normally. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Jenkins and I are your assigned ground team for this mission, Commander."
Cate nodded swiftly. "I look forward to working beside you, Lieutenant." She released his hand, eyes following his back as he turned around and helped Joker back to the cockpit. Those two were the ones to watch. They would be her best men. Granted, everyone on board the Normandy was the best in their field. But those two were legends in the making, if they weren't already.
