The Mansion Incident - A Resident Evil Spoof

By Silver-Fist

Disclaimer

All characters and names used are copyright to Capcom, but apart from that it's all mine ;-)

Note from the Author

This spoof I wrote is actually the first story I've ever written myself. It is based off the storyline from the original PSX Resident Evil game, but includes some references to events taken place in the GameCube Remake version, and also the book 'The Umbrella Conspiracy' by S. D. Perry.

I may make alterations to published chapters, but it's a spoof so no crucial changes will be made.

Enjoy


"Bizarre murder cases have recently occurred in a western American suburb called Raccoon City. There are outlandish reports of families being attacked by a group of about ten people; victims were apparently beaten... around the head a few times with a frozen fish. The Raccoon City S.T.A.R.S unit (Special Tactics and Rescue Service) immediately began investigation. Bravo team went to the possible hideout of the group, and disappeared."

Alpha Team flying around the forest zone situated in North West Raccoon City, where we're searching for the helicopter of our compatriots Bravo team, who, for some bizarre reason, decided to go fishing during the middle of our mission.

It was nighttime, the Helicopter ride was rough, all team members sat in the darkness of the small compartment, waiting.

"Hurry up with changing the bulb, for fucks sake Barry, I can't read my magazine." Chris said with a frustrated grunt.

All of a sudden the room filled with brilliant light, and Barry slowly stepped off his pogo stick and returned to his pork pie.

"Look Chris!" Jill shouted over the roar of the helicopter, Chris distracted his thoughts from his playboy, and walked over towards Jill.

"What?" Chris replied, looking into the darkness.

"Chris, that's the wall; look out the window."

"Holy Testicles!" Chris shouted.

"Heads up guys!" Shouted Brad. "We've found them."

"Let's load up." Chris shouted.

"Excuse me, I'm in charge of this operation." The smooth musical tone of Wesker rose into the small compartment. They all looked towards the shady character in the corner, and Chris was struck with disgust.

"Barry man, have you farted?"

Barry blushed "I'm sorry, I got... careless." The whole helicopter shook as Brad attempted to land.

"Hang on guys, this bird is fighting with me." They all glanced over just in time to see Brad get caught in a headlock by a sparrow. He successfully managed to break free, and then rushed over to the grab the controls.

"Mmm... Sparrow sandwich. Heh!" Barry muttered before checking his piece for dirt.

"Barry, now is not the time to examine your manhood, let's get ready to depart." Wesker switched off his CD player and shoved a pair of rolled up socks down his trousers. The rest grabbed their equipment; Jill had brought along her Lucky Beret, a pair of large shoulder pads spray-painted blue, a plastic yo-yo, and an ice cream.

"What's that for?" Joseph asked Jill.

"To eat, it's my favourite flavour." She replied.

"No, the Beret." He responded.

"That's what I was talking abou..." Jill's words was cut off by the screeching of bending metal; which meant we had either landed, or Barry had sat down too fast. The helicopter lay still, the clicking of metal cooling and the plucking of Joseph playing the banjo were the only sounds to be heard. The howl of a wolf pierced the air about them, and Brad shrieked in terror as the sound was joined by several others. A shadow seemed to pass over the face of each individual in the helicopter.

"The Bulb's bust again." Chris finally pointed out.

They stepped out of the Vehicle into the cool air, Jill followed by Chris, then Joseph, and finally Wesker.

"I think I'll stay in here with the majority of the ammo, the only radio and the rocket launcher." Brad said while dancing to the distinct sound of static from his headset.

"You do that." Wesker replied to the quivering little individual. "But don't forget your patriotic duty, to scarper when we run into the slightest bit of trouble."

By now Chris had already made a campfire and was cooking Barry's underwear when Wesker spoiled the fun and instructed that they do some work.

So the search began in the heavily wooded area, searching impossibly for the lost Bravo's. But from the minute they started investigating, they knew something was wrong. Wesker cracked his neck to grab everybody's attention. All the team members stood silently, awaiting the captain's orders.

"All right people, stay sharp, we have to find the lost Bravo's. Barry, put that Gameboy away."

Wesker was a good leader; occasionally the team members found he was a little cold towards them, so they all decided to wear warmer clothes. He hadn't been with the S.T.A.R.S that long, but the team trusted his judgement. The group set off towards the spot where they had seen the crashed helicopter. As they neared, the smell of fish rose into the summer air.

It was Bravo teams helicopter, nobody was in it, but strangely, all the Trout was still there.

"Mmm... Fish sandwich!" Barry muttered as he continued to prod the ruined vehicle with a sharpened stick. Chris was taking a piss on the wreckage, while Jill was busy playing football with the pilots' head.

"I wonder where the Bravo's could be? There's no trace of them anywhere." Chris muttered to himself.

"Hey, whose hand is this?" Joseph shouted out from the patch of long grass near by.

"It doesn't make any sense," Chris continued. "they've completely disappeared."

Wesker once again grabbed the attention of his team by farting loudly in Barry's face.

"Let's search the area nearby; Me, Chris, Barry and Jill will search over here. Joseph, go and search over there where the noises are coming from. Yes, near the patch of blood."

Joseph wandered out into the clearing of a group of trees and was busy restringing his Banjo, when all of a sudden he heard a noise behind him. A pair of red eyes met him as he turned around; five feet lay between him and an unknown foe. He clumsily kicked the feet out the way before continuing forwards.

From the bushes ahead of him, a dog jumped out, from the size and shape of its silhouette in the dimly lit forest, it looked like a Doberman. Joseph focussed his torch beam over the panting creature, and staggered back in fright. It was covered in red slime, and a lot of its skin was missing. It was wearing a bright yellow woolly hat, paper clips and other office accessories hung from its tail.

It took one look at Joseph and began to growl, readying its legs to pounce. Joseph aimed his shotgun and fired. He missed his mark by a clear yard, and the dog took its chance to attack.

Joseph squeaked loudly as the dog bit into his thermos, spilling hot coffee all over his leg. Joseph clutched his thigh, and the dog again readied itself to pounce.

Jill raised her head as she heard the gunshot and began to run towards the spot where she had last seen Joseph, Barry and Chris did the same. Wesker pretended he hadn't heard anything.

She reached the place where the constant screaming and whistling had come from, and all she could do was stand and watch as the mutant beast was tucking into Joseph's packed lunch. Another joined the feast, and another and another. Joseph lay nearby, shaking in a spasm violently, either from the fatal injury from his throat, or the dog humping his leg. Suddenly, one of the dogs turned around and bound towards Jill at full speed.

The dog leapt forwards, jaws open, hungry for blood, when all of a sudden a gunshot rang out and the beast yelped, stopped and lay still.

"Jill, move your ass!" Chris's voice distracted Jill from the disgusting, yet strangely attractive, mess that was once a dog. She quickly proceeded to follow Chris through the woods, which wasn't difficult, as he kept diving into trees in an awkward manner.

As they were running, the roar of a helicopter could be heard. They arrived back at the landing site just in time to see the helicopter take off, with Brad's grinning features and obscene hand gestures clearly visible through the cockpits window.

"Brad! Where the hell's he going?" Chris yelled while picking out bits of bark from his forehead.

Suddenly he heard the scampering of paws behind him. He spun around just in time to see four mutant dogs chasing them through the woods.

"Brad! He's insane! What the hell?" Barry cursed while munching away on a cheese pasty.

"Well...uh... I didn't see that happening." Wesker said unconvincingly. "Let's go look for Jill and Chris, there's bugger all else to do here."

Jill and Chris had managed to distract the dogs, but the 'Sit' command and occasional thrown rubber ball wouldn't hold them forever. They glanced in all directions, where eventually they saw Barry's huge mass emerge from the bushes nearby, sweating heavily, with Wesker perched on his crumpled spine piggy-back style.

"Chris! This way!" Wesker shouted, Chris and Jill followed his instructions. Barry threw Wesker off his shoulders before pulling out his huge Colt Python and fired it randomly in the air, completely missing every dog that came his way. Chris pulled out his baseball bat and instinctively started swishing it about in all directions, hoping to hit something. He succeeded in knocking Wesker several times in the back of the head. The cool captain was about to kick Chris in the bollocks when Jill suggested that we get the hell out of here.

So they started sprinting through the dark forest, ducking under branches, jumping over logs, tripping over roots and running into trees, until eventually they saw their passage to safety.

"Jill, run for that house!" Chris shouted.

Sure enough, no more than a few hundred yards away, an ominous house stood silent, occasionally whispering, in a large clearing in the middle of Raccoon forest. The mansion was very elegant; the smooth stonework was covered in many twisting vines of greenery and vegetables. A mail box stood just outside of the entrance, as they neared, they saw the postman on his scooter drive off into the night, just before being ripped apart by dogs.

All team members ran towards the entrance, Barry attempted to open the doors by launching a fierce head butt, but only succeeded in splintering the solid oak. Wesker pulled out a large ring of keys, and picked the one with the large paper tag 'Secret Umbrella Mansion' written on it. He slid it into the lock and the door opened with a loud creak.

They escaped into the mansion, where Barry thought there might be food, yet...