Harpers, Meet the Salvatores

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I hope L.J. Smith or the CW or the people who own Two and a Half Men don't pull an "Anne Rice" because I LOVE writing FanFiction about it!

Summary: A few months after Elena decided she would be better off without them, Stefan and Damon move to Malibu, where they meet Charlie and Alan Harper, who offer to let them stay for a little while. Two pairs of brothers with completely different lives living together …What could possibly go wrong?

A/N: I LOVE the Vampire Diaries, (of course) and I just recently got into Two and a Half Men. I got the idea when watching "A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer." When Charlie was trying to make Alan uncomfortable, I realized that these two reminded me of Stefan and Damon. HA!

Here are some examples:

Charlie/Damon: both drunken womanizers and hate having their brothers with them.

Alan/Stefan: both high-strung, self-righteous guys who secretly look out for their brothers.

And some of the dialogue in Two and a Half Men could totally work for Damon and Stefan. - In the episode I mentioned, Charlie climbs in the shower with Alan to make him uncomfortable and when it doesn't work, Charlie later on says to Alan: "The next time you drop the soap in the shower, I'm going to forget I'm your brother." LOL!

So…yeah…enjoy the story…:D

Chapter 1: Salvatores, Welcome to Casa de Harper.

"Where are we going?" Stefan asked Damon impatiently as he was led by his brother down a Malibu street at 10:30 at night.

"Just come on," Damon growled irately. "Stop brooding for a minute and have fun. Like the old days." He smirked.

Stefan frowned. "You mean when we were ripping women to shreds?"

"Exactly."

"Damon, where are you taking me?"

Damon rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of God, we're here."

A bar? "You took me to a bar?"

"Yes, Stefan." Damon smirked at him as they walked into the bar.

They both sat down at the bar.

"Bourbon, neat." Damon said to the bartender.

"Bourbon man, huh?" A guy sitting next to him said.

"Yep." Damon replied. "You?"

He held up his glass. "Oh, yeah."

The man next to him leaned forward to look at Damon. "Though at home, he has a wide variety of whisky, wines, beer…he's just your average alcoholic."

Damon smirked. "My man." And downed his drink.

Stefan looked over at the two guys. "I'm Stefan Salvatore. That's Damon. We're brothers."

"Oh, I'm Alan." The second one smiled. "Charlie and I are brothers too."

Damon laughed and Alan looked at him. "Sorry," He said. "I had a completely different picture in my head."

"What was that?" Alan asked and Charlie gave him a look. "Oh." He said and looked down.

Charlie turned to Damon. "Trust me; if I were gay, I would be doing a lot better than him."

Alan offended, looked up. "Yeah, Charlie's not gay; he'd rather spend thousands of dollars on promiscuous, selfish sex with hookers."

To their surprise, Damon laughed. "Again, my man." And he downed his drink.

Charlie studied Damon as he ordered another. "You can put it away can't you?"

"Oh yeah." He grinned.

"Bartender?" Charlie called. "Four shots of Tequila."

Damon raised an eyebrow at Charlie. "Competitive?"

"Ah, a little."

He grinned. "How about a little bet to see who can hold alcohol better?"

"Alright."

"Damon, we really shouldn't-" Stefan began but Damon shushed him.

Alan spoke up. "Stefan's right, Charlie. You know what Tequila does to me."

"Oh, don't be such a baby." Charlie replied.

"How about if I win, you let my brother and I stay at your place until we get settled."

"And if I win?"

Damon reached in his pocket and pulled out a roll of bills.

He handed on glass to Damon. "Ready?"

"Yep," Damon smirked.

Stefan rolled his eyes.

"Go!"

Damon, Charlie, Alan and Stefan downed their drinks.

Damon was the first to slam his glass down on the table, followed by the other three, Stefan and Alan coughing.

"Ah," Charlie said as another round arrived. "I see you have talent."

"Years of practice."

"I may have to step up my game a little." Charlie laughed.

"Go!"

Again, they all downed their drinks, this time, Charlie and Damon both finished at the same time.

"Woo!" Charlie yelled.

Coughing, Stefan rose his hand up. "I'm out."

Alan nodded. "Same here."

Damon and Charlie both smirked at their brothers then downed another shot.

This went on for hours, but by the end of the night, Charlie was so drunk that he couldn't even sit in the chair, and Damon was almost as bad.

"We'll get our stuff and meet you there." Damon slurred.

"Alright." Charlie replied after giving Damon directions to his Malibu beach house.

Alan shook his head, knowing Charlie would regret this in the morning, but called a cab to come pick the two of them up. He guessed that Stefan would drive Damon home – he seemed almost as wasted as Charlie.

Funny. Alan thought. Stefan didn't look old enough to drink.

The Next Day

Charlie groggily woke up with a massive headache. How much had he drink last night? He remembered meeting some guy and –

Oh, no.

Warily, Charlie opened his eyes and very slowly looked beside him. He breathed a sigh of relief that there wasn't a naked strange man in his bed with him. He slowly stood up and waddled drunkenly into the bathroom to pee and, more than likely, puke until he coughed up a lung.

Just as he suspected, he ended up throwing up in the toilet before walking down the stairs. He heard Berta laugh about something.

Odd. He thought. Since when does Berta laugh?

Someone must be in pain, He concluded.

He walked into the kitchen to see the man from last night – Damon Salvatore, sitting with Berta, laughing about something. Damon glanced over at him, waved and went back to talking to Berta.

What the hell?

"Oh, hey, Charlie." Alan said from behind him.

Without warning, Charlie grabbed Alan, towing him into the living room.

"What the hell is that guy doing in our house?"

"Well, you got drunk last night and offered to take him and his brother in for a little while."

"What? I hate having you and taterhead here already! What makes you think I would want two more annoying bastards in my house?"

"I resent that!" Damon said from his place in the doorway. He smirked. "Nah, not really." He walked over to them. "Who's this…taterhead you speak of?"

"My son." Alan replied.

"You have a son?"

"Yes. Jake."

"The kid's a moron." Charlie said.

"He's not a moron, he's…okay he's a moron." Alan agreed and Damon laughed. "He lives with my ex-wife across town. He'll be here in…" He looked at his watch. "Crap! A few minutes!" He began pacing. "Judith is going to be so angry with me. Charlie's not dressed and we have two strange men in our house! Crap, crap, crap! Jake is gonna…" He resumed his rant, leaving the room.

Damon raised his eyebrows at Charlie.

Charlie made a gesture to act like he was whipping someone. "Whatsscchh!"

"Ah," Damon nodded, grinning. "I've seen that before." He walked over and sat on the couch. "My brother. He's out…hiking by the way." He smirked.

"Ever been there?" Charlie asked, moving to follow him.

"No," He replied. "You?"

"Almost."

He nodded and Berta suddenly walked in, two cups of coffee in her hand. He handed Charlie his, then walked over to Damon, smiled and placed his on the table.

"Thank you, Berta."

"You're very welcome." Berta giggled like a school-girl before walking back to the kitchen.

"What the hell was that?" Charlie asked, looking at Damon.

"What?" He sipped his coffee.

"That! She never acts like that!"

"Really? What is she usually like?"

"Bitchy, ill-tempered, and a world-class smart ass."

"I heard that!" Berta called from the kitchen.